Losing It - For REAL this time

You're so right... and I definitely do NOT want to have feelings for him again, I know I'd just get hurt.

So yesterday I had to go back to school and finish moving out. I also had a show in the afternoon (I'm in theatre). There was no time for food so I snacked a little here and there on yogurt and crackers. So when dinner time came around and I was still in the city and had no food or means to cook anything, I agreed to go out to dinner with some friends. We went to one of my favorite restaurants. I figured since I'd been on my feet all day and hadnt racked up too many cals I would splurge a bit. Big Mistake!

I ordered the gnocchi, which was only $6 and a small portion, so I felt that, even though it wasn't the healthiest, I was limiting my intake still. Unfortunately my friend Brenna ordered their frites and dip (a creamy chipotle) for a starter. When it arrived she put it between us and told me to split it with her. I did not put up a fight :(

I paid for it though. After eating healthy and not cheating for so long, my stomach totally rejected the grease and I;ve been feeling like crap. I was so mad at myself.

But the key is forgiveness. I'm over my slip-up (even though my body isn't yet) and I'm getting back on track.

I've got one final paper to write today, which I'm going to start right now, then I'm going to work out, make some lunch, then it's one final trip back to the city to help my friend move.

I just hope it doesn't take too long because I don't want to have to buy my food again and tempt fate.
 
RachelSilvana said:
But the key is forgiveness. I'm over my slip-up (even though my body isn't yet) and I'm getting back on track.
Click to expand...

That's so true! Sometimes I take a slip as an excuse to do horribly the whole day or next day too and that is not the right attitude! I need to accept where I went wrong and just do better going forward. I love gnocchi so much too so I probably would have ordered the same.
Pack something with you when you head to the city tonight - even if it's just an apple in your purse you will find that will help when you really need something and aren't tempted to hit a fast food joint! Have a great weekend and keep it up!
 
I haven't been online much the past few days. I got super stressed over school since one of my professors emailed me saying that she never received a paper of mine worth 15% of my grade, and without its completion she could not accept my mark for the rest of the project, worth 30%. Therefore, I would get 0 on 45% of the course. Since I did not get 90% on the rest of the stuff, that would have meant that I failed, which would be terrible since I need the course as a prerequisit for my 4th year theory course, which is a requirement to get my BA. We finally worked something out and she is accepting it (thank God!)...but it made me a crazy person. I was waking up at 4:30am b/c my anxiety was taking over. I had no appetite, but when I would get hungry I ate a lot since I didn't know when I'd feel hungry again (at least it was healthy food). I didn't exercise because my mind couldn't focus on anything else. I went on walks with my mom and dog to try and distract myself. I didn't tell anyone what was going on because I didn't want to worry/disappoint my parents. But it's over now! But I still woke up at 6am today...I guess I'll have to break this whole getting up too early habit.

I am still down another pound though, but I need to get back into a regular, less crazy routine. It's this kind of stuff that I need to not let affect the rest of my life. It's a process.
 
I need a new scale! Ours is so old, and I have no idea how accurate it is, so my progress may be a little off. I'm just afraid of finding out that I'm actually much heavier than I thought.

Had an awesome stirfry last night with chicken, snow peas, bok choy, red pepper, mushrooms, onions and a little bit of brown rice in a light yellow curry. Just ate the leftovers for lunch (no rice this time). Feeling satisfied. Going to look up recipes for chili to make tonight.

Spent an hour on the recumbent bike this morning and raised the resistence up to a 7...man was I drenched in sweat!

My Dad is working afternoons this week, so things are a little different around here with him home until the afternoon. I've been working well just doing my own thing, but with him around I don't know what it is, but I get anxious and embarassed. I don't want to work out with him around and I feel like he's judging what I eat. I know its in my head, but I'm just crazy like that. My sister comes home on Sunday from Florida so that'll be a challnge. She has the best body I know and I'm always comparred to her. She's also the most gorgeous girl that I know, and she'll come back with an awesome tan to boot. (sense my jealousies?) The good thing is that I can talk to her and she understands, as long as she's not in a bad mood, she'll be supportive.

I feel good today, but I don't look good (to me at least). I had such a complex and I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I've lost 12lbs, but in my twisted mind I see no difference. This sucks.
 
I bought a new scale last year at Shopper's and it's digital and I love it - make sure if your going to buy one you spend the money and get a good one because some of them die or break in a year and a good one will probably last most of your life.
I loved the comment "I know its in my head, but I'm just crazy like that." and I can totally relate - I think up crazy stuff all the time in my head and my hunnie tells me I think too much. I really think I should have gone to law school because I think of a situation and then I think about all the different ways it could play out and what different people are thinking and why - it's exhausting really and sometimes my own thoughts make me laugh.
I'm excited for you that your sister is coming home - I get to see mine this weekend too! Once again I know what you mean about always being compared to her. Is she younger? One thing that I have learned is that although she might be the hottest in the family at the moment - it doesn't always have to be that way and there might be some things that make her jealous that you never knew about. My sisters were always smaller and prettier until one day I decided I wanted to wear the sizes they wear and with a lot of hard work I got there and now I'm smaller then them! Plus they turned 30 and their metabolism is slowing down so it's harder for them to maintain a healthy weight and now they have to work for it too! they see me now and tell me they are jealous!! So just remember one day the tables may turn!!
I think you are doing great and I bet you are looking great too! Remember it's going to take one day at a time and just try your best! Your doing great so keep it up!!
 
Rachel, you reached out to him, sent him an email because even if you are no longer together you care about him. It is difficult, but believe me it gets better. I would say take him off from your msn, facebook. You need to be able to move on too, you need to be able to like and love yourself. What you had together was good, now you both want different things. You are not removing him from msn and fb because you hate him (you've said yourself that he is someone you'll care for a long time), but sometimes you just need to take these steps for yourself. You deserve to love again, have fun, make a life outside of the world you and Matt knew...and how can you do that without being happy first.

Be strong. You are doing so so well taking good care for yourself. We are here to support and cheer.
 
Thanks for the tips about the scale. I'm going to not weight myself for a little bit and see what happens. If I see a pound or two flucuation in a day I freak which is so silly, so I need to get away from that obsession.

With the whole ex thing, I've realised that he obviously still has issues about it and we're best to just leave each other alone...I just wished that he wasn't a coward and would reply to me, even to just say it's not time to reconnect. Oh well.

I was babysitting my cousin yesterday. She's 2 years old and a handful so I was running around a lot. She's such a doll, and pretty much the only kid who I would ever agree to babysit (I stopped when I was 17). After I put her to bed, my aunt called and said that she would be a little bit later than expect. I was a little hungry so I raided their cupboard :S I had a big handful of multigrain tostito corn chips. Not smart. BUT, they weren't that bad for me and my calorie count for the day was pretty low (around 1150) so max I ate was 1400. My BMR is about 1600 so I was still good. I didn't work on the bike though, but I got in a good long walk down by the river with my dad and dog.

I worked super hard on the bike today to make up for not doing it yesterday. I'm down 13lbs! Stepping off of that scale today made me feel so good. I'm the girl who likes big results fast, but for the first time I truly understand that the steady gradual pace is what's going to get me to my long-term goals.

And you know what? It's not that hard! It's just an adjustment of lifestyle and I'm finding it quite easy. I think that it's because I'm actually serious about it now. In the past I just wanted a great body but didn't want to work for it. I was young and vain. Now I want it for so many more reasons. Health is number one!

There is heart disease on both sides of my family. My dad's side has a lot of overweight people in it, and arthritis ties right in. I don't want to be fat and then not able to be active b/c my heart or joints can't take it. If I don't let my weight be a problem then I can manage any health issues that come my way. Also, my grandfather has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and a fatty diet is a HUGE contributor for it! I know that 'they' say that everything can cause cancer, but we have to take care of our bodies as best as we can. And I'm going to do it now, before it's too late!
 
Going out tonight...
First night of alcoholic drinks in 3 weeks..
possibly dangerous
but I've eaten well all day and want to treat myself
any tips?
 
No wine! I usually have vodka with slim line tonic or diet lemonade! Gin and slim line tonic is really good calorie wise as well! No beers or wine though! Unless it's a little glass ;) Have fun!!
 
Hi Rachel, been reading your diary for the first time and I wanted to say well done on the weight that you've lost so far. I completely understand the daily struggle to keep your hands off the food (am there myself!!) but every time I reach for somethign I try and have a mental picture - usually one of these three: 1) how awful, absolutely awful I looked and felt at my heaviest weight 2) how unbelievably better I look and feel now...and will do in the future or 3) I imagine some guy I fancy looking at me with a "you are eating more?!? but I just took you out to dinner?!" puzzeled look on his face!

As for Matt...hmph. You aint gonna have the friendship you used to, and why would you want a friend that isn't considerate of your feelings? Maybe in a few years you two might find a happy aquaintance/some kind of friendship thing, but right now, I think you got to step back and just go in another direction. The world is full of other people to make friends with and have good times with, spend your energy on someone who is going to be happy you want to be friends and reciprocate. So you live in a small town>? well be nice if you bump into him or are at a mutual friends thing but don't seek him out to talk to him.

No wine!! some kind of spirit and slim line drink (I'm a lime and soda gal too but oh those mojitos are so tempting!).

Keep it up!!
 
Thanks so much!
Unfortunately, it was a jack and jill/stag and doe type outing, and the drinks were limited to beer or hard stuff like whiskey. I drank lightly before we went out and then had a few light beers when I was there, but I feel like crap for it. My stomach is eating itself. I also divulged into the late night table of snacks. There were veggies but lots of dips and I had a few scoops too many. After being strict I let loose which was wrong. I have to work on that. Back on track today though! I just need to find the motivation to work out since my stomach is telling me to sleep all day.

Had a great time last night though. Saw lots of people who I hadn't seen in a while. It was like a high school flashback (but a good one!)

Went grocery shopping with my mom just now. Bought tons of healthy stuff. We walked down the aisle with chips on one side and candy/chocolate on the other and it was torture! After a night of drinking I usually make a big greasy breakfast and pig out the whole day, so I had to fight the urge to grab my usual comfort foods. (I also shopped on a hungry stomach, which is so stupid)

On an unrelated note, I got my hair done this morning. First time since December. It had gotten so long. She layered it a lot and I feel I have no hair left, but everyone tells me they can hardly tell that I got it cut. There goes my crazy brain again. I also got some lighter blonde highlights. I felt I needed a spruce up, especially for the summer. I haven't put any colour in it since August.

Let's hope I make it on that bike today!
 
Hey how was the weekend? I love those nights where you get to see a lot of old friends but there isn't unnecessary drama! Hope you got back on the wagon after the night of drinks! It's a new week so let's kick some butt!
 
Hey it's another new week!! Time to start fresh and do some damage control from the weekend if your anything like me. Hope you good and maybe just busy moving or spending time with your sister? Looking forward to an update!
 
It's good to be back!

My internet has been down and we've been having a ton of entertainment problems haha. They were doing some work on my street and accidentally cut into some important cables and we haven't had any TV either. But it's been nice... I also turned my cell phone off and have had a wonderful week independant of technology.

But back to business!

I got my period this week and it was no fun at all. I tend to have crazy bad cramps and had no motivation. I retained a ton of water and stupidly weighed myself and was back up at 197. So I avoided the scale and now that I'm feeling better I'm down to 193! That's a total of 15lbs lost! Go me!
It's actually been fluctuating from 191-193, but I like to focus on the high number so I don't feel bad when the scale says I'm 2lbs heavier than I've been stating.

I worked out everyday for at least an hour Mon-Fri last week, and it felt super good. Friday night my uncle's band was playing at the local pub in town and me and the fam went out for dinner. I had soup (not cream based) and a chicken wrap, so no harm done really. But I had 3 beers throughout the night. And they were fantastic! I love beer (almost as much as wine) and I worked really hard and enjoyed them thoroughly.

It's nice to have my sister back when she's in a good mood and wants to hang out. She let me do her makeup the other day like an old lady. I took a stage makeup course at school this year and I want to keep up my skills. It was a lot of fun. Then she did my makeup :S It was ridiculous and multicoloured. But we both kept it on through dinner with our parents.

Unfortunately, she's been on vacation mode for so long that she's not helping otu around here. Both my parents work and it's up to us to clean up around the house, empty the dishwasher, set the table, start dinner, etc. It's basic stuff, but she doesn't do any of it and just makes a mess. The girl changes outfits 3 times a day and leaves her disgarded clothes in her wake. She left a carton of cream out for 4 hours yesterday. Trying to keep the peace, I do it all by myself, but it's frustrating. And when she does one little thing, she acts as though we're all in her debt and she's superior. It makes things stressful as hell at home.

Her and I took my Nonna (grandmother) out the other day. We went to the mall and my Nonna wanted to buy each of us something for successfully finishing another year at school. She allotted us $50 each. I got a few accessories and then I found this summer dress that I loved. I tried on the large and it fit nicely everywhere except for the tummy/lovehandles area. Not too bad, but not good enough so I'd feel comfortable in it. I decided I'd get it as incentive. I didn't feel as though I deserved a new dress now, but by July I am determined to look smashing in it. So I bought it.

Then, of course, my sensitive sister tells me that I'm making a mistake, and that I'll buy it with hopes to fit into it, but I won't reach my goals and I'll never end up wearing it, so I might as well have bought something that fits me well now. THANKS A LOT!

She can be so ignorant sometimes. She knows and sees how hard I have been working, and 15lbs gone is a great start in my mind, so who the hell is she to tell me that I'm going to fail! And it so was not a reverse psychology thing, where she brings me down so I'll feel like I need to prove her wrong...she's not smart enough or caring enough for that.

It's going to be a struggle being alone in the house with her everyday until July. It's best when we avoid eachother and do our own thing...but I want to have a good relationship with her. She's just still at the stage where her friends and being "cool" are much more important than family.

Anywho, I just finished a delish spinach omlette, and now I'm going to work out.
 
Yeah good to have you back! Sounds like things have been good in the weight loss world - I think 15 pounds is totally something to be proud of and I know you are going to fit into that dress. I ordered a bridesmaid dress a couple sizes smaller for my sisters wedding a couple years ago and I hung it up on my wall in my room so I saw it every morning and every night and tried it on once a month and it was so exciting to see it getting closer and closer to doing up. I think it was two weeks before the wedding when it actually fit good and it was so exciting - I know you will have that feeling too. You know what you want and are willing to work hard so go for it! Looking forward to seeing you around more often! Feel free to vent about your sis as much as you feel necessary! It's good to get it out!
 
15lbs is bloody awesome. She's just jealous ;) You're kicking ass. I've been lazy this week because of my ankle but I'm working out tonight now because you've motivated me! Keep it up xxxx
 
Wow that sounds so much like me. No job, no friends around this area, no car, and I'm stuck in this small shit hole town in Washington state, feeling like a caged animal. I'm originally from NY, you can imagine what the difference is. I always have had a bf for 3 years and our relationship is starting to fade, badly. He kind of just walks around the house, ignoring me, i get no attention from him at all. I have two friends here, one married another in a relationship. but they have jobs and i don't so yeah...

But dont let the fridge lure you in. I have been wearing a bracelet that i made to remind me that I am not going to sabotage myself again. having something physical on me helps me remember why i am doing this. Every time i loose a lbs i add a charm to it.

Keep your chin up Rachel
 
Don't listen to your sister - 15lbs is great going and I bet by the time you go to wear that dress...it will be too big! Keep it up!

SilverMetal said:
But dont let the fridge lure you in. I have been wearing a bracelet that i made to remind me that I am not going to sabotage myself again. having something physical on me helps me remember why i am doing this. Every time i loose a lbs i add a charm to it.
Click to expand...

I really love this idea. I'm not a charm bracelet kind of person but I think I'll go for a simple chain / leather string with beads on it to remind me WHAT I am doing and WHY and HOW WELL I've done so far.
 
I've got goal clothing too, hanging on my wall, right in sight when I'm working out! And when those last 5 lunges seem too hard, I look up and remember one other reason that I'm doing them. I think it's great motivation that you bought the dress, one more thing to keep you on track!!
 
Hi Rachel,

This is my first post in this forum, and I figured that your thread should be the
one where I start. First of all, congratulations to the results that you have
already achieved in your current weight loss journey.

One of my hobbies is helping people lose weight. In the small European country
where I live (Latvia) this is something that I truly enjoy doing. I have deeply
studied this subject for the last 15 years, and have been able to help many
women to create permanent fat loss.

This subject is really interesting to me because in 1994, after 8 years of dieting
I reached 285 pounds and had 44% body fat. But, after discovering the "root"
of my problem, I was able to lose 110 pounds of unwanted body fat in one
year, reach my ideal weight of 175 pounds with 10% body fat, and have been
able to maintain this weight for over 15 years.

Thoreau has said "For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is ONE striking at the root."

...and what I discovered in 1994 was that this root is that the majority of
people are not fluent in reality! And, when I looked back on my eight years
of dieting, and how I went from weighing 185 pounds when I was 16 to
reaching 285 pounds when I just turned 24, I noticed that I have been
completely ignoring the current reality that was "right in front of my eyes"

This was a startling discovery! I went straight to a gym next to where I was
living and asked the trainer to explain exactly what do I have to do to lose
all the unwanted pounds of body fat that I was carrying around with me
everywhere that I went. This guy had 7% body fat year round, so he knew
what he was talking about. Plus he had hundreds of women that were his
clients that he helped to reach and then maintain their ideal weight!

Here is exactly what he told me that I have to do:

1) drink plenty of fresh water during the day (and stop drinking my calories
from all other beverages that contain sugar, or sugar based sweeteners)

2) eat 4 average sized meals, every 4 walking hours of the day! He said that
I had to make sure that 50-60% of my meal were made up from fresh
vegetables and fruits, 20-30% from lean meats, or poultry, or fish, and
20-30% from good dietary fat, walnuts, etc. Much of the dietary fats is
contained in our food sources like fish and vegetables, so he suggested
that I stay focused on eating mostly a large variety of fresh vegetables
and fruits, with a moderate intake of lean meats, poultry, fish, especially
salmon, and other safood.

3) Last, but not least, he suggested that I walk every day, in the morning,
and also in the evening for 45 minutes per session until I reach my ideal
weight, starting with two 15 minute sessions, and building my way up.

Considering that I weighed 285 pounds, walking for 15 minutes was a tough
task, but little by little I increased my walking sessions by about 5 minutes
per week. Eventually I reached two sessions per day, 60 minutes per session,
and kept doing this until I reached my ideal weight of 175 pounds in one year.

To maintain my weight for the last 15 years, I have also followed his advice,
which is basically the first two steps, with only an adjustment in my exercise
routine. Since the Spring of 1995 I have been doing cardio training three
times per week, (M,W,F) and doing weight training three times per week,
(T,Th,Sat) with Sunday completely off.

But, this process is not what is important! The goal that I had to create the
body of my dreams is also not that important!

What was, is, and always will be important is current reality, the present
moment. My best friend in Latvia is a psychologist, one of the best ones in
the country, and it is he who made me realize that the root of my problem,
and from his words -- 99.99% of his patients problems -- is the denial or the
ignorance of WHAT IS !!!

When I asked him, why I could not lose weight using diets, he asked me if
I want to know the truth, and if I answer yes, would I promise him that I
would take action after finding out this "bitter truth." Obvioulsy I said YES.

Anyway, he told me that almost everyone lives in their mind, and not in the
present moment i.e. "current reality." He told me that he has noticed that
all his patients live either in their past, thinking about what happened in the
past, or lived in the future, thinking about what is going to happen in the
future, and not one person knew how to live in the now, in the present
moment, in the current reality!

When he told me this in my kitchen, this truly HIT ME HARD! I have been
interested in self-help and motivation since I was 12, and at that time I was
24, and have never heard anything like this.

This changed my life completely, and as I said, the first thing I realized is that
i wasn't "really" living! I was like Neo in the Matrix. Except, instead of living
in that cocoon, I was living in my mind. I had an internal dialogue in my head
that kept my focus in the future, where I thought everything will be better,
or in the past, where I thought that my life so far was pretty horrible, and
there were so many circumstances and people to blame for this!!!

Anyway, to make a long story short, I think you are on your way to reaching
your ideal body weight, all you need is to start living in the present moment
and not allow your mind to run your life so much. You have a good heart, and
I can feel from your writing that you are a loving person.

If you are interested, and have any questions, I will be happy to answer them
and maybe you can create the body of your dreams, and then it will be your
sister telling everyone that you have the best body in the world, and that
she wishes she could have a body like that!

That's it for now, good luck to you :waving:

Alex Platups
 
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