Let's get serious again

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IAmGoingToTri

IAmGoingToTri

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Ok. I fucked up for a while. I started many of my worst habits again: smoking, eating fast food, drinking alcohol, eating chips. On top of that, I quit exercising.

About a week ago I decided that I don't want this and that I should get control over my life again. Since doing that I have quit smoking, and it's getting easier already. I have started running again, and I also walk a lot. This helps me calm my head (instead of smoking). I have decided that I won't drink alcohol, nor eat fastfood or chips alone. When I am with friends I allow myself to eat and drink these things (I like the clarity that restrictions such as these give me, they make it easier to live a healthy lifestyle, but it's also good to let go every now and then). These things allow me to create a calorie deficit again, and lose.

I am about 93-93.5 kg now, which is still 4.5 - 5 kg lighter than I was about 8 months ago. Even if this was not the case, I would go for it again, but it's nice to have this fact to remind myself that I don't have to start from square one again (even though the real square one was 3 years ago, when I was 106 kg).

This time I won't set any more goals in terms of weight loss. This did not help me. I will just keep improving my lifestyle, and put all my energy in that. For example, I will start cooking more often (so that I can have more healthy meals) and I will exercise much more.

Also, I don't ask of myself to do a triathlon again. I will just enjoy living a healthy lifestyle, and I trust that I will get fitter and stronger in time, perhaps to the point where I will want to do a triathlon. Right now thinking about it feels like a burden. I think I got off the wagon because of this part of my psychology. I push myself a lot, and this can help me make some initial progress, but in the medium to long run I break and I find myself not able to motivate myself to do anything.

My greatest success in life has not come from living in this way. It was when I was more friendly to myself, more patient, and this allowed me to keep slow but gradual progress over the weeks and months, which eventually accumulated to something awesome, without exhausting me in the process. One of these periods was almost about 2 years ago, which was just after the deepest (worst) point in my life. The next 6 months were awesome, and I have been growing ever since. Where I am now is just a little dip in the mountain that I am climbing. I can get out of it, and in fact I am already doing it, the last week was already a big improvement.

So, it's good to be back. I've missed you all. How are you all doing?
 
Welcome back, Tri! Sorry to hear you´ve been struggling but judging by your new starting weight you didn´t mess up too much. Let´s get serious again indeed :)
 
IAmGoingToTri said:
My greatest success in life has not come from living in this way. It was when I was more friendly to myself, more patient, and this allowed me to keep slow but gradual progress over the weeks and months, which eventually accumulated to something awesome, without exhausting me in the process. One of these periods was almost about 2 years ago, which was just after the deepest (worst) point in my life. The next 6 months were awesome, and I have been growing ever since. Where I am now is just a little dip in the mountain that I am climbing. I can get out of it, and in fact I am already doing it, the last week was already a big improvement.

So, it's good to be back. I've missed you all. How are you all doing?
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Being kind to yourself & making positive changes that are sustainable to me is the key. Welcome back Tri. You can do this!
 
Thanks Cate and LaMaria!

Holidays led to a slight weight gain, but I am taking all the necessary steps to lose it again and to lose more. December has been a great month for other things though, especially for improving my psychology/mindset. I feel much more in control of my life now (and this is visible in my behavior; I do more things that I should do/want to do and less things that aren't beneficial - especially, but not exclusively, at work), I find it much easier to stop negative thinking patterns and replace them with positive ones and I just feel more relaxed.

One thing I learned very recently is to appreciate my body more as it is now. I once was 106 kg, which was horrible (not changing my opinion on that); I had pain in my leg, my clothes did not fit well and my face was really round (it looked weird in the mirror), it was much harder to move around, etc. Now I am around 94 kg, which is still far from where I would like to be, but I do not have any of the downsides that I just mentioned. Sure, I see that being lighter could increase this benefits, but I don't really think that there is a problem right now. I think I am fit, healthy and I look good already. I now try to see losing weight as an opportunity to increase these benefits. Life is wonderful now, and losing weight can make it slightly better. It's not completely life-changing, but it's a meaningful thing to do, and it's something that I want to do.

My point is not that I am less motivated now to lose weight. I just want to be more relaxed about it, to have a healthier mindset. I used to see weight loss as something that I should do if I want to be happy, if I wanted girls to be attracted to me. Now I think that losing weight will not help me a lot with that, it may help me a bit, but most should come from who I am as a person; being confident, friendly, fun, reliable, etc. Those are the thing I want to cultivate.

That said, while I no longer think losing weight is something that I should do, I do feel it's something that I must do. Let me explain. I don't think it's an obligation, I don't think it is totally necessary, but it's something that I want to work on and achieve. I like the challenge, I think it's an interesting journey to do. Losing weight is a great way to build character, and that is what counts most to me. I want to do it because it is hard. It's something that most people don't pull off (and I haven't done so far either). I am sure that I will learn a lot on the way. But I also have more simple motivations: I just would like to see what my body can look like when I hit the same weight as when I was in my late teens, and I want to feel what that is like.

So, this is what I am doing: I am running a lot again, and I am also walking a lot. This week (hopefully today) I will go to the bicycle repair shop and get some parts for my bike, so that I can continue to repair it. Having a good road bike means that I have another sport that I can easily do (instead of running). I like to do several different activities, makes it more interesting. I have plans for other activities (ice skating and swimming are on the top of the list now).

On the diet side: I am eating more healthy foods and less unhealthy ones, but sometimes I am also fasting some (half) days, which is something that used to work well. I do allow myself to eat fast food and to drink soda and beer, but only when I am with friends, and then still not every time. That's a new rule for me. Not doing these things on my own prevents it from being a problem, and allowing me to do them with friends prevents a lot of frustration, and it allows me to actually enjoy it because it's a rare treat.

I am sure that I will make a lot of progress this year, and so I have something to look forward to, but I also will enjoy every day, because there are plenty of good things already! :)
 
I liked the old Tri but it looks like you managed to improve him :) Yay for being relaxed, happy and confident without losing track of your plans!
 
Thanks LaMaria! :)

I had a deficit in every one of the last 5 days, high enough to be on-track to lose 1 kg in this first week of the year (7700 calories). I created this by running on most days (except yesterday, which otherwise would be my fourth day of running in a row, so it was time for a rest day. I did 5 kilometers of walking though :)). I also walked a lot. And I just ate less (but enough to fuel my body).

Now, losing weight feels again like something I can achieve. I am very thankful that I can do this, it feels like a luxury that I can give this priority... 2016 has been good for me.

That brings me to a story. Last week, I was in a pub, it was around midnight and I was working on a programming problem and I was writing down some business ideas (with a beer; you should combine work and pleasure). After an hour, a girl next to me at the bar asked me said that she wondered what I was doing; she was looking at me for a while and she told me that she thought I may be writing poetry or something. I laughed about that, and told her that I was programming on paper. I moved next to her and we talked for a long time. At the end, I thought I should ask for her phone number. However, my brain tends to shut off at those moments, which is not very useful :p. But I want to live courageously... I try to do something I am afraid of every day and that seemed to be a great moment for that... so I ask her "do you have a phone number?". It was meant as somewhat of a joke... I admit it was a really stupid one :p. She gave me her number.

I texted her and proposed asked her on a date (another opportunity to ignore my fears). We went yesterday and it was great! We talked for 4 hours, and thought it was 2 (we both were surprised that it was already 1 o'clock at night when we first looked at the time).

I am 30 and I'd call myself a late bloomer, so I always expected only to find interest in girls that are younger (because we are in the same spot in life)... however, she is 34, and has already been working for 10 years (I have been working for less than 1), but it does not seem to be an issue, at least not yet. Rationally, I think it does not make sense, but it feels like we are on the same level and I think that's what counts. Interested in hearing your thoughts about this.

Anyways, I will see how long it lasts. At least this gives my life a bit of focus... it gives me a bit of extra motivation to keep improving things, including my body.
 
Yay for having a great time with new friends! I think a lot of self-identified late bloomers have a tendency to go for younger women because of insecurity: they don't value their own life experience as highly as that of others, even though there's just as much of it (just in other areas). Which is a real shame because when an insecure person gets together with an inexperienced person the result is rarely a healthy relationship. More often than not the younger person stays for a couple of years, feeling more and more suffocated while the insecure person feels more and more threatened and misunderstood... And then the cycle is likely to restart with a new, younger inexperienced person.
So yay for taking risks and daring to look at women in your own age bracket! Whether you end up with a long-term relationship or not, you're sure to learn new things by getting to know exciting new people. And they'll learn new things by getting to know you :)
 
Thanks for your kind reply LaMaria, I like your perspective. I agree that it's not a good idea to date with significantly younger people to compensate for lack of confidence. I agree with your analysis that that's not leading to any good outcomes for either side of the relationship.

It's boring to play it safe! Taking risks is much more exciting... even though it could be difficult at times. I mean I am not looking forward to getting dumped :p. Or having to do that to someone else. But I will ignore those fears, because they are just necessary risks, and you can survive them. My sense of self-worth should not depend on a specific girl's willingness to have a relationship with me or not.

What about you LaMaria? Are you still single, or do you have a boyfriend?
 
:D Let´s say I´m starting to reach a point where I could imagine being in a relationship again. But I´d probably have to leave the house sometimes for that, so... I´m not holding my breath :p
 
LaMaria said:
So yay for taking risks and daring to look at women in your own age bracket! Whether you end up with a long-term relationship or not, you're sure to learn new things by getting to know exciting new people. And they'll learn new things by getting to know you
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Good for you Tri. Enjoy your new friendship. You seem like such a nice guy & this should help you become a little bit more confident.
 
Wooo! Yay for new dating fun :) Well done, sounds like you're getting more confident and that can only be a good thing!
 
Thanks Sunflower and cate! I hope to have a good time! :) I must say that it's also a bit scary... yesterday my feelings were like a rollercoaster, going in all sorts of extremely positive and negative directions. I chose to not get lost in those thoughts/feelings and stay calm, and that worked, telling myself what I posted yesterday... that it may not work out, that it may lead to uncomfortable situations, but that it's an exciting journey and that I have nothing to lose.

I had a new thought about motivation/confidence and how it relates to building habits. My insight is that healthiest and strongest motivation to improve a new habit, is to do it because you think you believe that you are worth it. That sounds very cheesy, I know ;), but to me it's actually pretty profound. It means that I should not mainly rely on willpower/discipline to build and maintain habits, because that does not work on the long term, but that you should learn to enjoy it, to make it fulfilling, and that you shouldn't do them because you think you "should", but because you want to take good care of yourself, because you respect yourself.

Let me illustrate with an example what I mean; I have been trying for a long time to start cooking again (I hardly ever cook... let's say I cook 5-10 times per year). I wanted to do it, because it has many benefits... it's cheaper, healthier, etc. And I wanted to do it, because I think I should. The main reason that I didn't, was that I decided that I was free not to, so that I could focus on improving other things first. It saves time, that I can spend on working or resting (so that I can work again). That was my main focus of the last year. I think that was a good move, because last year my career was the most important area that needed improvement.

However, now that my career seems to go smoothly, I don't have to make sacrifices like this. I have been trying to start cooking for a long time, on willpower, but yesterday I had the new thought that even though cooking takes a bit of time and energy, especially when I have to get used to it, I deserve to give myself that attention. It's a way I can respect my body. Seeing it like this, the idea of starting this habit becomes a lot less heavy in my mind. It's not my duty to cook. It's a healthy way to love yourself.

Another recent change in my mind that's connected to this is that I have started to learn to see myself as handsome and healthy already. I am not broken and in need of fixing. And my personality is fine too, including my flaws. I think it's good to keep improving yourself, but I am now learning to do that from a place of self-acceptance/-respect/-love, instead of doing it to find/fix yourself.

This is also connected to another change in my mind, that I made in the last month (but was developing in the last years before that and keeps growing); I learned that most suffering is in my own mind, that I can speak very harshly to myself, and I learnt to not accept that any more. I used to be able to get depressed for months when I made a mistake, getting lost in feelings of shame and guilt. Now I am seeing that I don't take those thoughts that occur when I make a mistake seriously anymore. It's like I had a software update. When I make a mistake, I can still get some negative thoughts/feelings, but at the same time I see that my mind is resisting that, that I am actually defending myself, almost reflexively. I tell myself "ok, it's logical that you feel that way, but you don't actually believe what those negative thoughts are saying about yuo, and you are conscious of those negative thoughts, so they have no power anymore. and now you deserve a break, to let them fade away. In a few minutes you will feel better already". I think this a few times per week, whenever I feel anxious for some reason, and it always works. It feels like a superpower, that I can use to protect myself, so that I can keep doing what I need to do and I can do it with a clear and positive mind.

I hope that makes sense. The bottom line is that I am starting to learn that a healthy body comes from a healthy mind, that if I learn to love myself more that I will also have the motivation to take good care of myself.

Curious to hear your thoughts on this. And feel free to post any personal experiences/stories, even though this is my "diary", it's doesn't have to all be about me :p.
 
Now there´s a superpower that´s useful to cultivate! You seem to be on a roll, Tri, keep up the momentum!
 
IAmGoingToTri said:
. The bottom line is that I am starting to learn that a healthy body comes from a healthy mind, that if I learn to love myself more that I will also have the motivation to take good care of myself.
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My thoughts exactly Tri. I am glad you have come to that realisation & that you are able to follow through with it. That is wonderful!
 
Thx cate and LaMaria. I am glad that this new mindset is developing, it's very good for me.

My weight was 97+ kg for some days this week... I had a lot of water weight caused by the salty food on the new year party and I increased my exercise routine significantly. Now I am 93 kg, which I think is closer to my "real" weight.

It's not so bad. With my current exercise routine and eating habits, I think I could lose 0.75 - 1 kg per week. So I could hit my lowest weight 2016 before the end of January (89.5 kg)... and then I can make progress towards my lowest weight of 2007 - 2015, which was around 83 kg (which was my weight in the years 2007 and 2015... in between I weighed more, most of the time around 90-95 kg... and (in 2014) I was at my heaviest (106 kg)).

Anyways, I am not talking about targets... but it's interesting to see that I am not as far off track as I thought.
 
That's right LaMaria! :)

I am just careful with not setting such specific goals... they make me act stupid and irritional. The only thing that's really important is to develop a healthy lifestyle that I can realistically maintain. That means that it should not take an unrealistic amount of willpower, time, money or whatever to keep doing it, otherwise when either of these resources is limited, I will not give up and lose all my progress.

I have talked about this desire to make an sustainable change a lot already, but I find it helpful to keep writing about it. It helps me to solidify this way of thinking in my mind.

This week has been good. I think I have created a sufficient deficit to lose 0.75-1 kg. The last two days I did not create a significant deficit, but that's ok too every now and then. I didn't overeat either.

Today I will create a bigger deficit. I want to run again. My last run was 3 days ago, so I have rested enough now. I needed a rest, because I ran 4 times last week, and I also walked a lot. I think I ran around 30 kilometers, and I walked about 20. I felt that my legs didn't have as much power later in the week than when the week started. I expect the run today to go much better. I hope to do a 10-12k run, a good start for my week.

I belief that I am now really building something. I feel that my desire to make this happen is stronger than it has ever been, and I trust in my ability to make this change. I look forward to the benefits that this will bring to my life. I am thankful for every little step forward that I will be able to make. That is what I will pay attention to, that is what counts to me; not how many steps I still have to make, but the progress that I have already made. And I will often remind myself that I am already ok. Striving towards goals like this one is important, but I can accept and love myself before hitting now already, and I should do that.

Like I said earlier this week: a healthy body comes from a healthy mind.
 
Today I had a great day... extremely good. I burned almost 4000 calories in total (by cycling, running and walking) and I ate around 1200. So, I may have lot a few hundred grams of fat. Don't worry, I won't go this extreme often... otherwise I will lose muscle... and my life and that would suck :p.

I see this as a fasting day. Something I can do once every 1-2 weeks.

But... that is not all that was great today. I haven't done it for a long time... but I cooked again... and I enjoyed it! I made spaghetti... and it tasted super good! I added plenty of vegetables, cheese and fresh pasta (from my christmas (food) box... in the Netherlands we get those from our employer... is that an international tradition?). The reason that I was able to motivate myself to do this, because I decided that coooking is not a chore... it's a meaningful activity and even an act of self-respect. Sure, it takes a bit of time, but it's good for me and I want my body to do well... because I deserve it. Has to do with what I was writing about earlier this week.

And I immediately got the feedback.. because (as I mentioned) I really liked the taste and it just felt good. I also liked the cooking itself, it was relaxing. I was listening to a podcast while doing it, which made it even more enjoyable. This is definitely something that I will do more often... in fact, I will try and see if I can eat homemade food (almost) every day! That doesn't mean that I have to cook every day, I now have leftovers for 1-2 days and I will probably always cook multiple meals... just makes sense if you life by yourself.

It's interesting to see how much of a difference mindset (how you approach and think about yourself, reality, challenges, etc) can make. It almost seems like magic.
 
I loved reading your last 2 posts, Tri.
"It's interesting to see how much of a difference mindset (how you approach and think about yourself, reality, challenges, etc) can make. It almost seems like magic."
Indeed it does.
 
Yay for home cooking! It does taste so much better and it definitely has more vitamins and less additives than the alternatives.
 
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