Feeling kinda low at the moment, i shouldnt be but i am.
I weighed in today at my lowest - 57.8, im finally in the 57s - so thats pretty good. But im not jumping around for joy - im actually feeling very depressed.
I thought my eating was getting better but im having a bad day today. Its 1pm at the moment, i havnt eaten anything yet today. I am so hungry but everytime i pick up food i just want to cry. Over the weekend i got fairly drunk, on Saturday was the day i was drinking, but i was also worried about looking fat. However i was not wanting to get wasted so i always try to eat - but i didnt really. I just wasnt hungry. But in the end i made myself very sick, was throwing up a lot.
Yesterday i ate food, i knew i was hungry so I ate. After two bites i felt full. I tried to make myself eat more but it wasnt going to happen. So I spred it out over the day but ended up being sick anyway.
Im sorry i am not making much sense at the moment. Im all shaking and cant think straight. But i just keep thinking about what happens if i dont lose the rest of the weight. I know that my boyfriend doesnt care about that, but i do. I want to be able to go to the beach in a bikini and not feel like a whale, i want to be able to go out in town and not be running to the bathroom every five minutes to look at myself sideways to make sure that my clothes are sitting right so that i dont have any flabby bumps.
I mean I have been doing this battle all my life, in 12 months i have lost 16kg but it just seems the more I lose the more i realise i have so far to go.
Im so confused right now - i dont want to eat, i just want to excersise but i know that is a stupid thing to think. My logical side at the moment is having a fight with my ultimate desires... and im just so sad...