Kay's Journey to Happily Ever After

kayleejburgess

kayleejburgess

New member
My Story

Character Sketch
Name: Kay-Lee Burgess
Age:: 21
Height: 5’3”
Starting Weight: 244.5 lbs (as of May 6th, 2009)

Dedication
In memory of the girl I once was and in honour of the woman I will become.

Foreword
I have struggled with my weight for many years. I’ve been overweight most of my life and it was particularly difficult when I was a figure skater. I’ve dieted on and off and joined several gyms, but always quit going shortly after.

As some of you may remember, I am no stranger to this forum. It was a great support system for me about a year ago when I joined as rivardk. I lost about 10 lbs when I first joined, but when I returned to University in September 2008, I fell back into my old habits. I wasn’t getting any exercise and I was eating anything and everything I could order from a menu.

In October 2008, I met the love of my life, but not before I hit a low point. I was depressed, I stopped going to school, and eventually I dropped out completely. I spent my days in bed, loathing my life, but not doing anything to change it. When I met Chris everything changed. He motivated me to change things.

In November I moved back home and began to get my life back on track. It didn’t last for long, however, and Christmas rolled around. On Christmas morning my grandpa had a heart attack. Christmas wasn’t Christmas anymore, and I wasn’t who I wanted to be.

In January, Chris came to visit me from Kentucky for my birthday. We had the most amazing 4 days of my life and he made me feel like I was good enough for the first time in my life. Unfortunately it couldn’t last forever and Chris returned home. Although I was sad to see him leave, I had a ring on my finger and a smile on my face. I was happier than I had been in a long time.

In February, Chris was on his way to Canada for Valentine’s Day when he got stopped at the border. Circumstances prevented him from entering the country so I met up with him in Buffalo where we spent a great few days. Not wanting the trip to end, I went with him to meet his family and friends in Kentucky. We were happier than ever and on February 27th, 2009, we eloped in the basement of his best friends’ home. It changed my life.

I returned home on in March and started my search for a job in order to save money for the visa process. The last little while has been hard. I’ve missed Chris so much and I really haven’t been myself but I’ve finally decided it is time for me to get back on track. I want to be happy all the time. So it’s time. I’m starting over. I’m going to become the person I have always wanted to be. One step at a time.
 
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Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – Running towards the future
Yesterday I started down the road towards the new me. I finally got back to my old routine of logging my calories in my food journal and working out full force. I found my appetite had diminished and I was able to restrict my calories appropriately. When I was hungry, I pulled out some strawberries and other vegetables instead of the junk I would have chosen not so long ago. When I stepped onto the treadmill, everything was right in the world. I had my music blasting and my mind was clear. When I reached the last 5 minutes of my workout, I found myself looking back.

My wedding day wasn’t anything spectacular. In fact, it wasn’t my day at all. We spent most of the day helping our witnesses move and only one person showed up to our casual reception which was held at a karaoke bar. Regardless, we didn’t care. We were happily married. When I got the pictures developed, I was devastated. I didn’t look like the beautiful bride I had hoped to be on my wedding day. I was chunky and overweight. Looking at the pictures, I felt ashamed. It wasn’t what I expected. So yesterday before I began my workout, I taped the worst picture to the treadmill. It strange, but looking at the picture was a great motivator because it made me run towards everything I hope to become.

The past can be a great motivator, but I find that my strength lies in things to come.
 
Chapter 2 – Week One in Review!
So my first week went brilliantly. I was more inspired and motivated than ever. I worked out every day and managed to keep track of all my calories. In the end the result was amazing. I lost 7.5 lbs in my first week! I am thrilled. I've definitely gotten off to a great start and I'm looking forward to seeing even more results. I think my proudest moment happened on mother's day. I went to visit my grandmother and as soon as I walked in she had a shocked look on her face and said I looked great. She told me how proud she is of me and it made me incredibly happy! So now forward to week two! I'm looking forward to continuing on the right path! So far so good!
 
Hi there Kaylee!

Congrats on your 7.5 pound loss so far.. and on your recent Wedding :D

I am happy for you that you have found the motivation to do this for yourself.. maybe at the end you can "redo" your wedding pics :p

Best wishes for your continued success anyway :waving:
 
Thanks Kori!
Since we eloped, we're actually planning a big wedding with family and friends for a couple of years from now, so I actually do get a do-over! It'll be great to see the difference in the wedding pictures! Not to mention I wont be afraid to put on that big white wedding gown!
 
Chapter 3 - Feeling Discouraged
As motivated as I have been for the last few days, I've finally hit the point where I'm feeling slightly discouraged. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I want so much to join a gym, at financially, it's not realistic for me right now. So at my disposal I have only 5 lb free weights, a stationary bike, a yoga mat, a treadmill, and an exercise ball. I know it's a lot to have and I could do a lot with it, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough. I've been working out 5 days a week for an hour and I want to add more but I've been so exhausted I just cant do it. I've gotten some headaches and shin splints. I just feel like I could be doing so much more and I'm not seeing the results I want. I know it hasn't been long but my impatience has always been my downfall. So I'm going to try to get my spirits up and keep pushing through.

On a side note, I'm so disappointed that Tara didn't win the Biggest Loser, but she's still my hero! They all looked amazing and I am so inspired by them.
 
Don't be discouraged hun! I know how you feel.. I can't afford to join a gym right now either.. AND I don't have any of the equipment you mentioned!!! You can do a lot with it I am sure!

The exhaustion could well be what you are eating.. or not.. you haven't said much about food or your calories yet.. so what is your plan for that and what are you eating? You might not be eating enough According to a quick look at a calculator, you should probably be eating around 1800cals per day to lose 2 lb per week .. what are you currently eating?

I am massively impatient also, so dieting never worked for me.. it has taken a total mind shift to get something that is working now, and I know will keep working! Unfortunately we can't compress 12 months of our lives into an 12 week TV show run like BL... You just got to accept that the quicker it comes off the less likely it is to stay off! Once you get your head around that concept it is easy... learn about what to eat.. learn about how MUCH to eat.. and keep on smiling hunny!
 
Thanks Kori. I'm definitely doing my best to get my mind in the right place.
On average I'm eating about 1200 calories per day. I should be eating more but I just don't have the appetite. I've been mostly eating anything grown from the ground, as well as fish, chicken, shrimp, etc. My typical breakfast is 2 eggs scrambled with an ounce of shredded cheese along with a decent size banana, a few almonds and a green tea and that generally gets me going pretty well in the morning. I eat often enough throughout the day but the food I've been eating hasn't been high in calories. I also cut out coffee which accounts for the headaches so that should stop soon.

I mean, yeah I'm discouraged, but I also have to remember that I did manage to lose 7.5 lbs in the first week so I must have done something right. I guess I'm just getting anxious. I'll be moving to Kentucky with my husband soon and I want to look and feel great when I get there.
 
I can understand you wanting to look your best.. but you got to remember he loves you and married you as you were ;) and he will love you no matter what size! - Got to love good men that way, my hubby is the same!!!

And Yes you did have that loss up front, it is probably just a little plateau - maybe try eating a few more almonds etc to increase your cals :)
 
If there is one thing I've slowly, grudgingly learned, it's that you cannot be too impatient with this, and it is easy to overdo it as well. Okay, that's two things.

If you have an eating plan (logging calories, realistic calorie deficit), and you are doing the work (don't overdo, then you end up hurting, and get discouraged), have some faith in your plan. Don't get upset with it, or become impatient.

I've fought this battle off and on for years,and I think I'm slowly winning, but my attitude is finally getting better about it.

Your wedding doesn't sound much different from mine in some respects. We paid a visit to the town hall with a pair of witnesses and went on from there. Almost 22 years later, we're still together...
 
Thanks for all the support. It definitely helps :)
I'm also realizing that I'm cranky and bloated this week so I can't expect to be losing weight when mother nature comes knocking. Aren't we just so lucky to be women sometimes? lol I was just having one of those days but I'll wake up tomorrow and do it all again and I'll feel better about it. Thanks :)

Edit: In regards to what you said about my husband loving me no matter what, I actually forgot to add this. I was skyping with him the other day and I had made a comment about Scarlett Johansson's body. Chris always loved her and I don't remember exactly what I said but he replied with something along the lines of "You don't think I like what I have? I think it's you who doesn't like what you have" and it really opened my eyes. It made me incredibly happy but broke my heart at the same time. I know Chris loves me no matter what size I am and he really made me realize that I have some personal demons to sort out so that I can love me no matter what.
 
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Hey Kaylee,
congrats on the wedding that is awesome (I have been trying to convince my boyfriend of 5 years to marry me once I am at goal, just in case I can't maintain that weight... ;) he is not up for it!).
I will be saying the harsh truth because I think it is important someone does:
if you are going to do this right, if you want to be thin and stay thin, you need to change your lifestyle, but realistically. 1200 cals is not enough and we all know that we CAN eat more, we just don't want to because we are afraid we won't lose enough weight this week. I have lost 33 pounds so slowly... I wished it would all come off quickly, but it didn't. Now I realize it is good because my behaviour had time to change with my slow weight loss and now when I am not consciously eating my 1500 cals I still do not put much weight on!
So I'd say eat 1800 cals (it is not that hard, have an extra slice of toast and you are almost there, a handful of nuts and you've done it!), exercise in a way that will fit into your life. Yeah going to the gym would be nice, but there is so much you can do from home. Now the nicer weather is coming, you can go for a walk for a couple of hours and "walk the weight away". You can do your exercise at home, you can go run in a park, you can do sit ups etc at home.
If you start at 1200 you have no wiggle room, no room for improvement. I weigh 127 pounds right now and still eat 1500 or more cals a day! Starving yourself (not in the "starvation mode" type starving, but starving nonetheless) is going to lead to failure and it will lead to failure fast!

I hope you find a way, I am sure you will, and we will be here to support you (and to kick your bottom when you need that!), have a great day, Camy
 
I understand what you are saying about my calories, and I know I should eat more, but I honestly don't have the appetite to eat more. I eat a lot but the food is all low cal so I'm not getting the number of calories I should be getting but I'm getting a ton of vitamins. Ideally I should have a lot more calories but I can't eat when I'm not hungry. When I am hungry between meals I reach for the veggies and it's just a habit now. 1200 is pretty much my average but the last few days it has increased to about 1400-1500 which is getting better and as of this morning I dropped 1 lb. But again, I really can't eat when I'm not hungry.
 
Chapter 4 - Early Morning Motivation
So it is currently 5am and I can't get my butt back to sleep. My husband is working night shift so he generally sends me a text message when he gets home letting me know that he is alright and we either skype or he goes to bed. Tonight his body was aching so off to bed he went and now I'm wide awake. Since I'm awaiting my visa and I'm currently living with my mom, I have to be very careful that I don't wake her in the morning. She gets up around 7am so anytime before then I can't really do much because noise carries in this house. Unfortunately I feel like getting on the treadmill and going for a run, but I can't. I feel incredibly motivated right now and there's really nothing I can do about it.

So I'm sitting in bed coming up with a plan for my day. The hubby will be awake at around 4pm and he heads to work around 5pm so for that hour I'll need to be around the laptop. Other than that, my day is completely free. I'm thinking I'll do half an hour of yoga in the morning as there tends to be a few yoga programs on tv when I get up. I'll have my typical breakfast and take the dog for a walk which typically lasts 30 minutes. Oddly enough he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye just as I typed the word walk. After that it's break time. I'll relax, have a snack, then lunch. Around 2pm I'll do my typical 40 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on the stationary bike. Which gives me about an hour to shower and look decent for skype time with Chris. Then I can relax, watch some tv, spend time with mom and see what happens to Izzy on Grey's Anatomy! It should shape up to be a pretty decent day. I just have to decide what's for dinner!

I'll update later today and let you know how it went! Yoga might not work out so well since I've got a bit of wrist pain, but I'll push through it! :waving:
 
Congrats on the weight you've lost so far!

There are many ways that you can boost up the calorie intake without eating a lot. You munch on fruit, nuts, protein bars, wheat bran, juices, etc.
 
So after my last post I was going to try to get some more sleep but that failed. I spent my morning really missing my husband and feeling completely broken down. When I finally got up, had a green tea and a couple of scrambled eggs I felt a little better so I got my onto the treadmill for an hour 30 minutes of intervals and 30 just walking. I was going to take the dog for a walk but unfortunately the weather didn't want to cooperate today so I compensated on the treadmill. So I'm off to get myself some almonds and bananas and I will update again later in the day when more has happened. :waving:
 
Soo yesterday didn't end up going so well. My mom and her staff had a party at work and she brought home pizza. Stupid move on my part but everyone has their days and I won't dwell on it, I'll just do better next time.


Chapter 5 - Passport to Happiness
On another note, it's 3pm right now and I literally just woke up. The hubby got home at 4am and we ended up skyping so I got to bed at about 6am. Not so good. However, I do have good news. I finally got my passport in the mail yesterday so I'll be able to travel visit him again since the new laws at the American border will be in effect soon and I will need a passport this time. In addition to that excellent news, my friend Jen messaged me yesterday telling me that she will be driving down south to visit her boyfriend and if I would like to join her, she could drop me off at the greyhound in London Ontario and I could visit my hubby. So I guess I should explain a little. I live in Northern Ontario, so if I were to take the bus to Kentucky directly from here, it would take me 12 hours just to get to Toronto Ontario and then from Toronto it is another 24 hour bus ride. So there goes 36 hours of my life. Lovely isn't it? So if Jen were to drive me down to London it would be significantly shorter. Definitely a great help. Right now I feel like missing my husband is a huge obstacle for me.

I've always been an emotional eater and without him I'm incredibly emotional. Some days I find myself sitting in my bedroom crying because everything reminds me of him. I've been afraid of so many things throughout my life, needles, heights, darkness, but nothing compares to the thought of waking up without the love of my life. It's a pain that I can't even describe. I've struggled with a lot in the last few months but he always brought me back from the darkness.

To give you an idea of what I have been through the last few months, I'll go back in time a little. I was living in Toronto for 2 years and in January just as I was about to head back to Toronto after Christmas with the family in Timmins, I got a call saying that our house flooded. While the house was being torn apart and renovated I was displaced. I lived at home with my mom for a little while but we fought so much that I couldn't do it anymore. On January 17th, I went to stay with Jen in London for a few days. When that was over I was to meet Chris in Toronto for my birthday. We stayed in a hotel for 4 days, the most amazing 4 days of my life, and then he was gone and I was left to stay at my dad's house 2 hours outside of Toronto. The house was still not finished in February. When Chris attempted to come back to visit me for Valentine's Day, his past prevented him from getting into Canada, so I met up with him in Buffalo and we later traveled to Kentucky. While I was in Kentucky I got an email from my best friend, and landlord, who informed me that they weren't going to renew my rental contract and I had to be out by May 1st. It would be fine if my life weren't in Toronto. So that week, I married the love of my life and then headed back to Canada to sort out the rest of my disastrous life. When I got back to Toronto I found out that I had been replaced. They had moved the basement tenant into the main house and I was being displaced. If you knew the friendship between the 3 of us, you would understand my betrayal. So I packed up the house in Toronto and stayed with my dad in Madoc for a while. When the time came, I packed up again and moved back to Timmins with my mom and I've been here since about the end of March. In April I finally found a job at the mall. It was going really well and my boss said everyone really liked me. I had been working there for 3 days and on the 4th day I went in for my shift as usual when my boss said they would like to speak with me. She pulled me aside and said "We had no idea you were married and if we had known we wouldn't have hired you. Maybe next time you will be more forthcoming in job interviews". She then handed me my pay in an envelope and sent me on my way. I had been wrongfully dismissed. At no time during the interview did they ask me if I was married, nor is it relevant to my job performance. It is discrimination and completely illegal, but I digress. Since then, I haven't been able to find a job. I'm 21 years old, unemployed and living with my mom. I haven't seen my husband since I left Kentucky and it doesn't get any easier. I just want to start our life together and right now the immigration process is preventing that from happening. We finally filed the first round of paperwork last week, but we still have about 6 - 8 months to go in the process. I'm emotionally worn out and I just don't feel like I can do it anymore. The only thing keeping me from falling apart is my husband.

So with all of my emotions, the hardest part of this journey has been not reaching for something to eat when I should be reaching for a tissue. I'm incredibly proud of myself for what I've already accomplished, but I feel incredibly guilty when I make a mistake and I'm really hard on myself for it. This isn't going to be easy and it's going to require some serious emotional and mental changes but I finally think I'm ready. So I'm going to end my long rant and make something to eat! After that, I'm going to spend some time talking to my husband before I get my bum on the treadmill! :waving:
 
So I made it through the weekend and it wasn't easy. Right after I made my last post, my husband and I had our first fight. It wasn't really a fight per say. I got upset and started to cry and he was already upset because he wasn't telling me but he has been unhappy for a little while and he's not sure why. So we finally hit that rough patch and when I tried to talk to him, he refused. I've gotten some sporadic texts over the weekend but mostly they just told me that he's not ready to talk so we haven't spoken in 3 days. It's been the hardest few days for me. The first night I was worried sick so I didn't sleep and I even completely forgot to eat. The next day I put all of my emotion into exercising but I ruined it and drowned them in a bottle of vodka and some tequila that night. Sunday I woke up feeling like I had been hit by an 18 wheeler and I felt more guilty than ever. One of my rules for this new journey was that I wasn't going to drink anymore. I just went through so much this weekend that I didn't know what to do with myself and I wanted a distraction. But now I'm getting my mind straight and I'm getting back on track this week. I still haven't spoken to my husband but he's working night shift so I suspect we're going to have communication issues this week since we'll both be fairly busy. My heart is hurting and I can't fault myself for that, but I know better and I really messed up. It's time to fix what I broke this weekend.
 
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