~~Journey to a Better Me~~
- Thread starter Amlika
- Start date
Ok, that was the happy go getter kickstart haha. Now reality. This is how I feel deep down inside right now.
At 5'6 and 130 pounds, I've officially become the fattest I've ever been. Saw an ex today from a distance, and hurried off in the other direction to avoid him, because I didn't want him to see me the way I am: bloated and flabby. Am also avoiding friends that are going clubbing tonite. What's the point of going if I look like crap and don't have the confidence to look at any guy in the eyes... To say that this weight is affecting my life would be an understatement.
Been spending hours and hours checking food labels, reading about the perfect sugar replacement online (xylitol's my fav), working out, spending money on workout clothes, downloading work out videos... Only to end up binging on food (even though I only allow healthy food in my house now), and watching my weight go up steadily.
Yesterday I got yelled at by my professor for not spending time and effort on my master project. When he said "I really don't know what you spend all your time on", it was hard trying not to cry. From the outside I have everything: people think I look about 110 pounds, tall, outgoing, have a great future ahead. But only I know that my kitchen is always filled with empty plates and food packagings, from all the continuous binging. I volunteer and workout and fill my days with everything positive. But deep down inside there's this hollowness that only food fills. I have lost so much motivation for life that procrasination and sleep consume most of my time at home. When I'm away from home I would get this nagging unhappiness, and the constant constant urge to drive home, cook a lot of food I'm content with (only allows healthy food, but huge portions), and go to sleep.
It feels good to finally reach out, no matter how timidly, and write about what's happening. It's also taken me by surprise how everything just rushes out, and how much pain lies in what I just wrote. I NEED to try to live better. To cure this sickness on my own and get on with the rest of my life. before it's too late and the damage is too irreversable.
At 5'6 and 130 pounds, I've officially become the fattest I've ever been. Saw an ex today from a distance, and hurried off in the other direction to avoid him, because I didn't want him to see me the way I am: bloated and flabby. Am also avoiding friends that are going clubbing tonite. What's the point of going if I look like crap and don't have the confidence to look at any guy in the eyes... To say that this weight is affecting my life would be an understatement.
Been spending hours and hours checking food labels, reading about the perfect sugar replacement online (xylitol's my fav), working out, spending money on workout clothes, downloading work out videos... Only to end up binging on food (even though I only allow healthy food in my house now), and watching my weight go up steadily.
Yesterday I got yelled at by my professor for not spending time and effort on my master project. When he said "I really don't know what you spend all your time on", it was hard trying not to cry. From the outside I have everything: people think I look about 110 pounds, tall, outgoing, have a great future ahead. But only I know that my kitchen is always filled with empty plates and food packagings, from all the continuous binging. I volunteer and workout and fill my days with everything positive. But deep down inside there's this hollowness that only food fills. I have lost so much motivation for life that procrasination and sleep consume most of my time at home. When I'm away from home I would get this nagging unhappiness, and the constant constant urge to drive home, cook a lot of food I'm content with (only allows healthy food, but huge portions), and go to sleep.
It feels good to finally reach out, no matter how timidly, and write about what's happening. It's also taken me by surprise how everything just rushes out, and how much pain lies in what I just wrote. I NEED to try to live better. To cure this sickness on my own and get on with the rest of my life. before it's too late and the damage is too irreversable.
-- How much weight do you want to lose?
15 pounds
-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
six weeks
-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
1000 to 1300 calories diet + working out
-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?
this diary, looking better everyday in the mirror, seeing goals accomplished in life
SO EVERYONE PLZ REPLY AS MUCH AND AS OFTEN AS YOU'D WANT TO!!! NEED ALL THE SUPPORT I CAN GET!!!
-- How realistic is your goal?
quite doable I think
-- When will you start?
THERE'S NEVER A BETTER MOMENT THAN NOW
15 pounds
-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
six weeks
-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
1000 to 1300 calories diet + working out
-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?
this diary, looking better everyday in the mirror, seeing goals accomplished in life
SO EVERYONE PLZ REPLY AS MUCH AND AS OFTEN AS YOU'D WANT TO!!! NEED ALL THE SUPPORT I CAN GET!!!-- How realistic is your goal?
quite doable I think
-- When will you start?
THERE'S NEVER A BETTER MOMENT THAN NOW
Choice
You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.
Commitment
I believe life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and life's greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. This level of resolve can move mountains, but it must be constant and consistent. As simplistic as this may sound, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret.
You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.
Commitment
I believe life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and life's greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. This level of resolve can move mountains, but it must be constant and consistent. As simplistic as this may sound, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret.
fatgurrlnomo
New member
I fully understand where your coming from I'm just glad for you that it didn't get so out of control as it did for me. I'm 24 and have never really seen a small me but I've seen comfortable until 3/15 when I stepped on the scale and it was a 300lbs(you can see I have a long way to go) I just cried because the last time I weighed myself I was 187 now that is not healthy either but I could have turned around there but food controlled me. I found myself eating late nights fast food. Starving my body during the day drinking only soda and eating king size snickers to just binge at night while laying in the bed. I came home that day after my first weigh in a my local gym and saw exactly where my problem was. There were food bags from every food joint you can think of in my room around my house everywhere. I just sat there and thought back and could remember times I would eat before my boyfriend would take me out and then eat a full meal again when we went out. I look at some of my credit card statements and it would be a full day of charges at eating places sometimes minutes from each other. My goal is to lose this extra person I have gained which is 150lbs so far from 3/16 I've lost 10 lbs its a start excited to see more shed. I just made a life change started eating better and on a schedule even if its the same thing everyday I follow it to the T. I've started my workout just 45 min a day of cardio and its really helping with shaping. If you would like to work together I would be more than happy to help you through hard times and vise versa(pardon my spelling) Hit me up at amwright80@austin.rr.com or on my diary and let me know. Keep your head up girl even when you think you can't remember this God only puts so much on us only that we can bear and you can do all things thru He who gives you strength.
awwww just came to check before going to sleep and wow, my first reply
thanx sweetie! yeah i usually eat before going out to eat with friends too, with good intentions but never works out. with the last guy i dated it was getting really bad. he would cook a day's worth of food for me. we then eat together for one meal, while he complains i barely ever eat anything. then he leaves and i eat everything he cooks in minutes. then i come up with all these excuses for him not to come over for a day or so, so I could pretend that I'm still bringing the food he made for lunch and etc.. I tried to portion everything in individual containers into the freezer too, but always ending up defrosting all of them one by one and end up eating everything in one meal But I never touch anything unhealthy though, I think because while the guilt of binging on bad food would be untorelable, binging on healthy food seems justifiable in my mind. Damn it who on this planet binges on apples besides me??!!
thanx sweetie! yeah i usually eat before going out to eat with friends too, with good intentions but never works out. with the last guy i dated it was getting really bad. he would cook a day's worth of food for me. we then eat together for one meal, while he complains i barely ever eat anything. then he leaves and i eat everything he cooks in minutes. then i come up with all these excuses for him not to come over for a day or so, so I could pretend that I'm still bringing the food he made for lunch and etc.. I tried to portion everything in individual containers into the freezer too, but always ending up defrosting all of them one by one and end up eating everything in one meal
But I never touch anything unhealthy though, I think because while the guilt of binging on bad food would be untorelable, binging on healthy food seems justifiable in my mind. Damn it who on this planet binges on apples besides me??!!
Fuunkymonk
New member
Ha, well I've been known to overeat fruit, in addition to other things. Overeating of any kind isn't a good idea. It sounds like you've gotten yourself into an unhealthy pattern with the bingeing that may be more psychological than anything else. You're at a healthy weight for your height. But your eating patterns aren't healthy. It seems to me that's what you need to change. Your goals are pretty realistic, which I commend you for. Make sure you're getting at least 1,200 calories a day. I think you'll do great!
thanx Funnkymonk! That's a cool name btw. I wonder if u are buddhist...Yeah I'm like a textbook case of binging
except I never allow myself to binge on bad food, which is why the damage is not too immediate. But I'd say I binge on 9 days out of 10 Working out really pays off though. Did Tae-bo yesterday and think I look less bloated this morning
It's funny how in my mind I'm always planning leisure activities around how I look that day. Like today I caught myself thinking "oh i wish it wasn't easter then I could go do volunteering and put my one better looking day to good use by being around all the hot guys that work there". I seriously don't know why I'm always looking to impress, subconsciously always caring about how ppl see me, even though always looking like I don't care about a thing in the world on the surface... Why DO I care? Anways, going to community health store to stock up on xylitol before the sale on it is over
($1.30 for 100 grams, cheapest I've found anywhere!). And 2 bux for 500 mL of egg white, yum that will be breakie!Totallyscrappy
New member
Amlika,
Welcome to the forum. I agree with Fuunky that while you may not have a "weight problem" you sound like you have an "eating problem." Other than a calorie guideline, what are your goals regarding food? If you can binge on apples, I'm guessing you probably don't have huge bags of goodies laying around, so it must be harder than just ridding your kitchen of the goodies.
Good luck! I'm looking forward to your posts!
Totallyscrappy
Welcome to the forum. I agree with Fuunky that while you may not have a "weight problem" you sound like you have an "eating problem." Other than a calorie guideline, what are your goals regarding food? If you can binge on apples, I'm guessing you probably don't have huge bags of goodies laying around, so it must be harder than just ridding your kitchen of the goodies.
Good luck! I'm looking forward to your posts!
Totallyscrappy
thanx for the welcome scrappy!
my house has no processed food. or any type of large batch food for that matter! because i can't control myself. If I buy a litre of ice cream i end up going back to the freezer every 30 mins until I finish it all. so far my solution is to have only veggies and raw stuff that need to be cooked. and fruits that are not too sweet and really really small i have a bag of mini apples and a bag of mini oranges that i snack on right now
maybe one day I'll be able to eat like a normal person but for now this keeps things under control at least
My goals regarding food are
1. to be able to buy a container of food and eat a normal portion and be able to leave the rest (that's my challenge for myself. so far no success )
2. to eat ONLY when I am hungry (by god that's a toughie! right now I wake up sometimes in the middle of the nite just to go to the fridge mindlessly to grab something. thank god for mini apples...
3. to be less picky about food, ie. a meal with friends out IS a meal, shouldn't have to come home and cook another one. It's very weird, I always have these specific food in mind, and if I don't eat them the meal doesn't feel like it counts. And they are not really cravings per say, because they are normal food (eg. soup with veggies and tofu and fish).
ps. got a kg of xylitol will try to cut down though because i suspect it gives me cramps, and from reading I think it's best to get rid of adding sweetener to anything, despite the fact that xylitol has such a low GI rating.
my house has no processed food. or any type of large batch food for that matter! because i can't control myself. If I buy a litre of ice cream i end up going back to the freezer every 30 mins until I finish it all. so far my solution is to have only veggies and raw stuff that need to be cooked. and fruits that are not too sweet and really really small i have a bag of mini apples and a bag of mini oranges that i snack on right now maybe one day I'll be able to eat like a normal person
but for now this keeps things under control at least My goals regarding food are
1. to be able to buy a container of food and eat a normal portion and be able to leave the rest (that's my challenge for myself. so far no success
)2. to eat ONLY when I am hungry (by god that's a toughie! right now I wake up sometimes in the middle of the nite just to go to the fridge mindlessly to grab something. thank god for mini apples...
3. to be less picky about food, ie. a meal with friends out IS a meal, shouldn't have to come home and cook another one. It's very weird, I always have these specific food in mind, and if I don't eat them the meal doesn't feel like it counts. And they are not really cravings per say, because they are normal food (eg. soup with veggies and tofu and fish).
ps. got a kg of xylitol
will try to cut down though because i suspect it gives me cramps, and from reading I think it's best to get rid of adding sweetener to anything, despite the fact that xylitol has such a low GI rating.Recap on today's food eaten, calories totalled from fitday.com (kickass website btw!)
Cals Fat Carb Prot
Kiwi fruit, raw - 2 93 1 23 2
Sugar, NFS -2 tsp 29 0 8 0
Milk (1 cup) 82 0 12 8
Grapefruit, raw (1 large) 106 0 27 2
Ground beef, extra lean (2 oz) 142 9 0 14
Couscous, cooked (3 tbs) 35 0 7 1
Onions, mature, raw 57 0 13 2
Egg, white only, raw (200mL) 122 0 3 26
Tomatoes, raw 38 1 8 2
Cabbage, napa, cooked 13 0 2 1
Orange, raw (2 small) 90 0 23 2
total 807 cal
in summary i had lots of fruits and two meals:
1. beef with lots of veggies (didnt put down green onion and mushrooms and carrots and garlic and soy sauce and etc) and a little couscous
2. egg whites and tomatoes and lots of onions and green onion
they didnt have xylitol so i put down equivalent amount in sugar. but this has been a no refined sugar, no binging day so far except its only been 6 hrs since i woke up, and im still eating while not hungry.
goal for until 12am sleeping time: no more food except maybe a few fruits, tea, and maybe plain yogurt with fresh fruits (and a little xylitol damn it ).
will try to eliminate xylitol AND do get lots of work done!!
Cals Fat Carb Prot
Kiwi fruit, raw - 2 93 1 23 2
Sugar, NFS -2 tsp 29 0 8 0
Milk (1 cup) 82 0 12 8
Grapefruit, raw (1 large) 106 0 27 2
Ground beef, extra lean (2 oz) 142 9 0 14
Couscous, cooked (3 tbs) 35 0 7 1
Onions, mature, raw 57 0 13 2
Egg, white only, raw (200mL) 122 0 3 26
Tomatoes, raw 38 1 8 2
Cabbage, napa, cooked 13 0 2 1
Orange, raw (2 small) 90 0 23 2
total 807 cal
in summary i had lots of fruits and two meals:
1. beef with lots of veggies (didnt put down green onion and mushrooms and carrots and garlic and soy sauce and etc) and a little couscous
2. egg whites and tomatoes and lots of onions and green onion
they didnt have xylitol so i put down equivalent amount in sugar. but this has been a no refined sugar, no binging day so far
except its only been 6 hrs since i woke up, and im still eating while not hungry. goal for until 12am sleeping time: no more food except maybe a few fruits, tea, and maybe plain yogurt with fresh fruits (and a little xylitol damn it
). will try to eliminate xylitol AND do get lots of work done!!
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massive cleaning up and...... found a package of diet butterscotch instant pudding mix... naturally had to eat the whole thing supposedly four servings...
100 calories, but still. totally crap food and all that aspartame , my god... tasted ridiculously good though, haven't had butterscotch anything for a while...
and ~80 cal for milk powder added.
11:21pm - had a big handful of dried asian berries (~250 cal hopefully, not sweet)
- a mini orange (~46 cal)
11:51pm - craving to eat anything hits. made soup with beef stock powder and lots of lettuce and carrots and mushroom, filling and practically no cal. should be good now. (~50 cal) & a mini orange (~46 cal)
no work done but no xylitol either, so an ok nite i guess
total today: ~1400 cal
moral of the day: no more berries without knowing calorie content
btw im beginning to think that I undercalculate a lot of things. I just read the following:
black bean sauce: 100g 178cal
dry red dates (the red asian berries I had): 100g 287cal
thats like almost 6 mini apples!
found a package of diet butterscotch instant pudding mix... naturally had to eat the whole thing supposedly four servings...100 calories, but still. totally crap food and all that aspartame
, my god... tasted ridiculously good though, haven't had butterscotch anything for a while...and ~80 cal for milk powder added.
11:21pm - had a big handful of dried asian berries (~250 cal hopefully, not sweet)
- a mini orange (~46 cal)
11:51pm -
craving to eat anything hits. made soup with beef stock powder and lots of lettuce and carrots and mushroom, filling and practically no cal. should be good now. (~50 cal) & a mini orange (~46 cal)no work done but no xylitol either, so an ok nite i guess
total today: ~1400 cal
moral of the day: no more berries without knowing calorie content
btw im beginning to think that I undercalculate a lot of things. I just read the following:
black bean sauce: 100g 178cal
dry red dates (the red asian berries I had): 100g 287cal
thats like almost 6 mini apples!
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Listening to Beethoven's 2nd symphony again. One of the few ways for me to forget my own pathetic struggles and obsessions momentarily
Beethoven's Second Symphony is a testimony to extraordinary courage. It dates from the composer's middle years, the darkest time in what continued to be an unhappy life. Although his career was progressing well, Beethoven's hearing was failing quickly, and by 1802, he could no longer ignore the approach of deafness. Doctors suggested that a quiet, countryside vacation away from the noisy bustle of the city might be therapeutic, at least emotionally if not physically, so in the spring of 1802, Beethoven left Vienna to spend several months in the nearby village of Heiligenstadt. It was a vain effort. His hearing did not improve, and despite the lovely, pastoral surroundings, the composer fell into the deepest of depressions. His tortured emotions are preserved in a letter written to his brothers, a letter never mailed, but found amongst his papers at his death: "It was not possible for me to say to men, 'Speak louder, shout, for I am deaf!' Alas, how could I declare the weakness of a sense which in me ought to be more acute than in others ... How humiliating was it, when someone standing close to me heard a distant flute and I heard nothing, or a shepherd singing and, again, I heard nothing. Such incidents almost drove me to despair."
In the letter, which has become known as the "Heligenstadt Testament," Beethoven wrote that life had become so intolerable as to lead him to consider suicide, but he stayed his hand for, in his own words, "it seemed as if I could not quit this earth until I had produced all I felt within me, and so I continued this wretched life." Here was a man who chose to live solely for the sake of his art, for as long as his inspiration might last and no longer. It lasted to the day of his death twenty-five years later. In that last half of his life, Beethoven produced his greatest compositions, including piano sonatas of epic scope and monumental symphonies which defined what symphonies would become in future years. Yet of all those works, none is more truly heroic than the Second Symphony, which though completed during this traumatic year, shows none of its creator's torment. Rather, it is filled with sunshine and high-spirits, as if it had been written by a man without a care in the world. Only a composer of single-minded devotion to his art, who could set aside his own most pressing concerns in favor of artistic goals, could have produced such a symphony at such a time. In that aspect, this charming composition is the essence of heroism.
Sacrifice and focus on the goals in life and nothing else!
Beethoven's Second Symphony is a testimony to extraordinary courage. It dates from the composer's middle years, the darkest time in what continued to be an unhappy life. Although his career was progressing well, Beethoven's hearing was failing quickly, and by 1802, he could no longer ignore the approach of deafness. Doctors suggested that a quiet, countryside vacation away from the noisy bustle of the city might be therapeutic, at least emotionally if not physically, so in the spring of 1802, Beethoven left Vienna to spend several months in the nearby village of Heiligenstadt. It was a vain effort. His hearing did not improve, and despite the lovely, pastoral surroundings, the composer fell into the deepest of depressions. His tortured emotions are preserved in a letter written to his brothers, a letter never mailed, but found amongst his papers at his death: "It was not possible for me to say to men, 'Speak louder, shout, for I am deaf!' Alas, how could I declare the weakness of a sense which in me ought to be more acute than in others ... How humiliating was it, when someone standing close to me heard a distant flute and I heard nothing, or a shepherd singing and, again, I heard nothing. Such incidents almost drove me to despair."
In the letter, which has become known as the "Heligenstadt Testament," Beethoven wrote that life had become so intolerable as to lead him to consider suicide, but he stayed his hand for, in his own words, "it seemed as if I could not quit this earth until I had produced all I felt within me, and so I continued this wretched life." Here was a man who chose to live solely for the sake of his art, for as long as his inspiration might last and no longer. It lasted to the day of his death twenty-five years later. In that last half of his life, Beethoven produced his greatest compositions, including piano sonatas of epic scope and monumental symphonies which defined what symphonies would become in future years. Yet of all those works, none is more truly heroic than the Second Symphony, which though completed during this traumatic year, shows none of its creator's torment. Rather, it is filled with sunshine and high-spirits, as if it had been written by a man without a care in the world. Only a composer of single-minded devotion to his art, who could set aside his own most pressing concerns in favor of artistic goals, could have produced such a symphony at such a time. In that aspect, this charming composition is the essence of heroism.
Sacrifice and focus on the goals in life and nothing else!
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Snacks, pretzels, hard, whole-wheat 205 1 46 6
Orange, raw 45 0 11 1
Kiwi fruit, raw 93 1 23 2
Fish, NS as to type, raw 94 1 0 20
MORI-NU, Tofu, silken, firm 104 5 4 12
Cookie, pizzelle (Italian style wafer) 64 3 8 1
Cookie, almond 103 6 10 2
shortcake, sponge type, with whipped cream and fruit 270 6 51 5
Squid, breaded, fried 111 5 7 10
Mushrooms, cooked, fat added 76 4 8 3
Chicken, roasting 70 3 0 11
Eggplant parmesan casserole, regular 71 5 4 3
Olives, black 71 6 4 1
Shrimp scampi 91 7 0 8
Sugar, NFS 33 0 8 0
Almonds, chocolate covered 135 11 8 4
total about 1635
worst choice of the day: the pretzels, it was 12 pretzels!! what a waste of calories, could've had 2 bittersweet chocolate pieces for that price!
oh boy, easter dinner at an italian house...
the dessert... ameretto cookies, pizelle, homemade strawberry shortcake, dark chocolate covered almonds, espresso with cream and sugar... i had to escape before the liquor round started, and before i grabbed a piece of the apple pie & pumpkin pie...
and the sad thing is... I still feel anxious, like I must munch on something. even though im definitely full... its gonna be tea and carrot and dip for me (ketchup + yogurt = thousand island dip, cool heh? )
Orange, raw 45 0 11 1
Kiwi fruit, raw 93 1 23 2
Fish, NS as to type, raw 94 1 0 20
MORI-NU, Tofu, silken, firm 104 5 4 12
Cookie, pizzelle (Italian style wafer) 64 3 8 1
Cookie, almond 103 6 10 2
shortcake, sponge type, with whipped cream and fruit 270 6 51 5
Squid, breaded, fried 111 5 7 10
Mushrooms, cooked, fat added 76 4 8 3
Chicken, roasting 70 3 0 11
Eggplant parmesan casserole, regular 71 5 4 3
Olives, black 71 6 4 1
Shrimp scampi 91 7 0 8
Sugar, NFS 33 0 8 0
Almonds, chocolate covered 135 11 8 4
total about 1635
worst choice of the day: the pretzels, it was 12 pretzels!! what a waste of calories, could've had 2 bittersweet chocolate pieces for that price!
oh boy, easter dinner at an italian house...
the dessert... ameretto cookies, pizelle, homemade strawberry shortcake, dark chocolate covered almonds, espresso with cream and sugar... i had to escape before the liquor round started, and before i grabbed a piece of the apple pie & pumpkin pie...
and the sad thing is... I still feel anxious, like I must munch on something. even though im definitely full... its gonna be tea and carrot and dip for me (ketchup + yogurt = thousand island dip, cool heh?
)
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ok. deep breath
10:27
- nothing is done
- anothe binging session (4 oz of beef, 2 mini homemade fat free muffins, 2 grapefruits, 2 oranges, 3 tsp xylitol, 3 tsp brown sugar) = at least 800 cal
Feeling really really crappy...
wish theres a reset button for life... wanna out of this place and this life... maybe im just not destined to be career driven. maybe I should just settle for being mediocre and have a typical, relaxing but fulfilling and happy job working at a charitable meaningful organization. maybe i should just be happy with the fact that my weight will never drop again, and just eat anything i want. maybe i'm just never meant to have the perfect mate in a great big european city like I've always wanted. maybe i'm just meant to stay here for the rest of my life with one of these boring but responsible nice guys that I have no interest for.
it feels like running frantically in the dark, only to realize that it's been in circles, and I wouldn't know what I'm running towards anyways...
must think positive... will wash dishes, vacuum the house, do a little pilates, make some tea/coffee, sleep for 5 hrs and wake up and do a fantastic job with work!
I'm sick of this sensible diet thing. Not seeing results at all. Maybe I'll do a few 500 cal days just to see some water weight loss, so I'd be more determined with saying no to binging.
10:27
- nothing is done
- anothe binging session (4 oz of beef, 2 mini homemade fat free muffins, 2 grapefruits, 2 oranges, 3 tsp xylitol, 3 tsp brown sugar) = at least 800 cal
Feeling really really crappy...
wish theres a reset button for life... wanna out of this place and this life... maybe im just not destined to be career driven. maybe I should just settle for being mediocre and have a typical, relaxing but fulfilling and happy job working at a charitable meaningful organization. maybe i should just be happy with the fact that my weight will never drop again, and just eat anything i want. maybe i'm just never meant to have the perfect mate in a great big european city like I've always wanted. maybe i'm just meant to stay here for the rest of my life with one of these boring but responsible nice guys that I have no interest for.
it feels like running frantically in the dark, only to realize that it's been in circles, and I wouldn't know what I'm running towards anyways...
must think positive... will wash dishes, vacuum the house, do a little pilates, make some tea/coffee, sleep for 5 hrs and wake up and do a fantastic job with work!
I'm sick of this sensible diet thing. Not seeing results at all. Maybe I'll do a few 500 cal days just to see some water weight loss, so I'd be more determined with saying no to binging.
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Raisins, chocolate covered 27 1 5 0
Coffee and cocoa (mocha) mix, dry instant powder with whitener, presweetened 75 3 12 1
Fish, NS as to type, raw 94 1 0 20
Cabbage, napa, cooked 39 1 7 4
Caribou, cooked 141 4 0 25
Korean dressing or marinade 15 0 3 1
Desserts, puddings, KRAFT, JELL-O Brand Fat Free Sugar Free Instant Reduced Calorie Pudding & Pie Filling Vanilla, with aspartame and acesulfame potassium sweetener, powder 66 0 16 0
Bread, pita, toasted 124 1 25 4
Seeds, sesame butter, tahini, from raw and stone ground kernels 171 14 8 5
Mayonnaise, low-calorie or diet 72 6 5 0
Onions, mature, raw 29 0 6 1
Banana, raw 152 1 39 2
Grapefruit, raw 106 0 27 2
Orange, raw 45 0 11 1
Apple, raw 81 0 21 0
Sugar, NFS 65 0 17 0
Milk, NFS 62 3 6 4
Egg, white only, raw 122 0 3 26
Totals 1487 35 211 95
less fruits tomorrow, since i only have the crappy apples i bought now. c'mon let's diet already
Coffee and cocoa (mocha) mix, dry instant powder with whitener, presweetened 75 3 12 1
Fish, NS as to type, raw 94 1 0 20
Cabbage, napa, cooked 39 1 7 4
Caribou, cooked 141 4 0 25
Korean dressing or marinade 15 0 3 1
Desserts, puddings, KRAFT, JELL-O Brand Fat Free Sugar Free Instant Reduced Calorie Pudding & Pie Filling Vanilla, with aspartame and acesulfame potassium sweetener, powder 66 0 16 0
Bread, pita, toasted 124 1 25 4
Seeds, sesame butter, tahini, from raw and stone ground kernels 171 14 8 5
Mayonnaise, low-calorie or diet 72 6 5 0
Onions, mature, raw 29 0 6 1
Banana, raw 152 1 39 2
Grapefruit, raw 106 0 27 2
Orange, raw 45 0 11 1
Apple, raw 81 0 21 0
Sugar, NFS 65 0 17 0
Milk, NFS 62 3 6 4
Egg, white only, raw 122 0 3 26
Totals 1487 35 211 95
less fruits tomorrow, since i only have the crappy apples i bought now. c'mon let's diet already
fatgurrlnomo
New member
Hey
Just poppin in to say whats up and don't get discouraged!!! You can acheive Don't give up ok we are here for you
Just poppin in to say whats up and don't get discouraged!!! You can acheive
Don't give up ok we are here for you .........
thanx fatgurrlnomo
if only its true though...
had a lot of food again... prolly around 2000 kal, too scared to even calculate...
bought 2 packs of 5 no fat ice cream sandwiches each. wanted to attempt portion control again (ie. leave SOMETHING in the package instead of eating everything)... had 2 sandwiches so far and has been eating everything else under the sun while trying to keep mind off those damn things talk about having issues...
life otherwise is super stressful as usual. went for the interview. great, except now im freaked out about asking my prof for reference... another sleepless nite trying to get work done before the weekly meeting........ presenting next monday and the big one the week after...... just thinking about it makes me wanna pass out...
listen to a bit of beethoven again... i have to stay committed to everything in life. there's no margin for error. the only option i have is to keep trying after giving up every time.
thanx fatgurrlnomo
if only its true though...had a lot of food again... prolly around 2000 kal, too scared to even calculate...
bought 2 packs of 5 no fat ice cream sandwiches each. wanted to attempt portion control again (ie. leave SOMETHING in the package instead of eating everything)... had 2 sandwiches so far and has been eating everything else under the sun while trying to keep mind off those damn things
talk about having issues...life otherwise is super stressful as usual. went for the interview. great, except now im freaked out about asking my prof for reference... another sleepless nite trying to get work done before the weekly meeting........ presenting next monday and the big one the week after...... just thinking about it makes me wanna pass out...
listen to a bit of beethoven again... i have to stay committed to everything in life. there's no margin for error. the only option i have is to keep trying after giving up every time.
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