Meshellibel
New member
Sounds like you have the right idea. I like what amomono said about the water. It does work just be prepared and have a ton of tp. You will going a lot! 
~~Journey to a Better Me~~
- Thread starter Amlika
- Start date
amomono
New member
Hey Amlika... haven't seen you around for a few days... hope everything is okay... I KNOW that this time of the year is rough with school... i'm totally there too =) Keep it up girl, and don't get too down on yourself... the stress about your bad habits will only make you want to binge more... take care of yourself - and i hope your thesis is going well!
thanx meshellibel and amomono...
i'm so tired... don't know how to do this any more.
school is going. presentation went well. i was happy for a brief moment.
for a while the binging issue was under control. simply because there was nothing in my house to binge on anymore. i can binge on anything now. spoonfuls of salad dressing just for the taste. cans of stewed tomatoes. if its food i can usually find someway to binge on it until it's all gone.
working at the rehab center was great for curbing the binging issue for a while. because food was provided there and i was too embarrassed to eat too much in front of other people. but lately it's actually been a worse place. because there's all the forbidden food that i'd never have in my house: ice cream in huge tubs, cookies, candy, lasagna, fish and chips, i haven't even had luncheon type deli meat for a long time simply because of the high fat content. but now im around a kitchen full of all these food. and after we put the kids to sleep we have 2 hours of slacking time. and most people snack out of boredom.... it got so bad today that i started eating in the kitchen simply i didn't want people to see me eat so much.
what am i suppose to do? this is getting so out of control...
i've tried everything. i always have a bottle of water with me at all times. and pop different vitamin and mineral pills all the times. i exercise too. but the binging issue is just getting so bad it's really scary. what is missing in my life? why am i stuffing myself on any food in sight until my stomach hurts? the only way i'd not binge is either by eating in front of other people, or by just not having any desirable food near me (but this may be why it's getting worse, the deprivation). maybe i'll try to eat in front of other people as much as i can. and not have any food in the house at all!
i'm so tired... don't know how to do this any more.
school is going. presentation went well. i was happy for a brief moment.
for a while the binging issue was under control. simply because there was nothing in my house to binge on anymore. i can binge on anything now. spoonfuls of salad dressing just for the taste. cans of stewed tomatoes. if its food i can usually find someway to binge on it until it's all gone.
working at the rehab center was great for curbing the binging issue for a while. because food was provided there and i was too embarrassed to eat too much in front of other people. but lately it's actually been a worse place. because there's all the forbidden food that i'd never have in my house: ice cream in huge tubs, cookies, candy, lasagna, fish and chips, i haven't even had luncheon type deli meat for a long time simply because of the high fat content. but now im around a kitchen full of all these food. and after we put the kids to sleep we have 2 hours of slacking time. and most people snack out of boredom.... it got so bad today that i started eating in the kitchen simply i didn't want people to see me eat so much.
what am i suppose to do? this is getting so out of control...
i've tried everything. i always have a bottle of water with me at all times. and pop different vitamin and mineral pills all the times. i exercise too. but the binging issue is just getting so bad it's really scary. what is missing in my life? why am i stuffing myself on any food in sight until my stomach hurts? the only way i'd not binge is either by eating in front of other people, or by just not having any desirable food near me (but this may be why it's getting worse, the deprivation). maybe i'll try to eat in front of other people as much as i can. and not have any food in the house at all!
11:50 100 cal egg white
one whole wheat pita with mayo and spread
diet coke
1:00 pm an apple
3:00 pm coffee with sugar and milk, bit of hot chocolate
4:00 pm 2 pieces of small cookies
5:00pm a bit of kraft dinner, salad, a piece of hamburger
10:00pm cup of yogurt with a big banana
11:00pm piece of toast with sugar free jam, piece of ham and cheese
11:30pm 2 apples, diet coke
one whole wheat pita with mayo and spread
diet coke
1:00 pm an apple
3:00 pm coffee with sugar and milk, bit of hot chocolate
4:00 pm 2 pieces of small cookies
5:00pm a bit of kraft dinner, salad, a piece of hamburger
10:00pm cup of yogurt with a big banana
11:00pm piece of toast with sugar free jam, piece of ham and cheese
11:30pm 2 apples, diet coke
Last edited:
rosered
New member
It sounds like you are going through some terrible struggles at the moment. The only thing I can suggest is have a really large breakfast then as soon as you start feeling hungry have a piece of fruit. There are a few girls at ww that were having the same problem so they switched there meals around having there dinner at breakfast lunch at lunch and breakfast at dinner time they said that this helped them immensely and a few snacks of fruit yoghurt ect in-between and they are now loosing weight and enjoying themselves a lot more. I hope this helps.
coastergirl4
New member
I just read your diary and I feel for you! I am just now making my way back after having quite a bad "dieting" time lately. Anyway! Just wanted to say, if you were still looking for a buddy to message and such, let me know. I'd love to have that myself! Good luck girl and keep your head up!
hey guys! thanx so much for the encouragement!
yeah rosered I don't think binging is about hunger at all. but I have heard about the idea of having the biggest meal in the morning. I am trying to limit my food intake at night since that's when i binge the most. it was just hard recently since i've always studied so late at night and was super stressed out. but now everything's a little more relaxed again. i can just go to sleep when i want to eat something really bad at nite.
hey coastergirl4! thanks for the offer. maybe i'd take up on it soon but right now i think i should get adjusted so that it's not too out of control. dieting is secondary now, getting this binging issue under control is my primary goal. i just feel so sick everyday.
But I have hope things will get better soon
yeah rosered I don't think binging is about hunger at all. but I have heard about the idea of having the biggest meal in the morning. I am trying to limit my food intake at night since that's when i binge the most. it was just hard recently since i've always studied so late at night and was super stressed out. but now everything's a little more relaxed again. i can just go to sleep when i want to eat something really bad at nite.
hey coastergirl4! thanks for the offer. maybe i'd take up on it soon
but right now i think i should get adjusted so that it's not too out of control. dieting is secondary now, getting this binging issue under control is my primary goal. i just feel so sick everyday. But I have hope things will get better soon
coastergirl4
New member
Hey no problem. If you ever need to chat or anything, my msn is on here. Good luck at taking control. You can do it! I don't blame you one bit for making dieting secondary. Well go get 'em, and keep us updated!
Good luck at taking control. You can do it! I don't blame you one bit for making dieting secondary. Well go get 'em, and keep us updated!Totallyscrappy
New member
Sounds to me that you are really struggling! I hear you saying that it is really difficult and that you are looking for a solution. Why do you binge? Maybe if you found out why you binge you might find it easier to put the brakes on it. I'm no expert, so this is just a thought...
You seem like a very busy person. You mention other aspects of your life, but in terms of your eating (the food they have at the rehab house, for instance). How are you enjoying the rest of your life? School, family, friends, church, work?
Totallyscrappy
You seem like a very busy person. You mention other aspects of your life, but in terms of your eating (the food they have at the rehab house, for instance). How are you enjoying the rest of your life? School, family, friends, church, work?
Totallyscrappy
smiley1
New member
not to butt in on your diary...but i agree w/ totallyscrappy. i think you might need some help in figuring out why you binge. to me it sounds like stress might set it off but im no expert.maybe you need to find something to relieve your stress like yoga or something soothing. just a thought. i feel for you girl and i wish you luck, in finding a solution
thanx for checking up on me girlz
if only i could find out why i binge.... i've been through some light therapy (group session, too whimpy to be completely honest in front of everyone), read a lot of the so called "self help" books, spent lots of time writing in journals and etc. and i do pilates and tae bo and pop dance and working out... still cant get to the bottom of it. its getting just a little better. i could have some left over in my fridge now. and i can talk myself out of that desperate momentary craze, but i still find myself finishing whole packages of the weirdest things, even after i restrained myself from eating it the night before.
life in general has its ups and downs. i'm not happy with school. but i'm uncertain if it's the subject that doesn't interest me, or i just lack the dicipline and am always looking for an easy way out. but one thing i do well in life is to never give up. just keep going, be open minded, try out differernt things constantly, and hope for the best.
p.s. the new oprah magazine is awesome!! bought it at walmart for 10% off as well hehe. Here's a few sappy but lovely quotes for everyone, as a thank you for all your support I truly appreciate it.
"If you don't know what your passion is, realize that one reason for your existence on earth is to find it."
"If you feel incomplete, you alone must fill yourself with love in all your empty, shattered spaces."
if only i could find out why i binge.... i've been through some light therapy (group session, too whimpy to be completely honest in front of everyone), read a lot of the so called "self help" books, spent lots of time writing in journals and etc. and i do pilates and tae bo and pop dance and working out... still cant get to the bottom of it. its getting just a little better. i could have some left over in my fridge now. and i can talk myself out of that desperate momentary craze, but i still find myself finishing whole packages of the weirdest things, even after i restrained myself from eating it the night before.
life in general has its ups and downs. i'm not happy with school. but i'm uncertain if it's the subject that doesn't interest me, or i just lack the dicipline and am always looking for an easy way out. but one thing i do well in life is to never give up. just keep going, be open minded, try out differernt things constantly, and hope for the best.
p.s. the new oprah magazine is awesome!! bought it at walmart for 10% off as well hehe. Here's a few sappy but lovely quotes for everyone, as a thank you for all your support
I truly appreciate it."If you don't know what your passion is, realize that one reason for your existence on earth is to find it."
"If you feel incomplete, you alone must fill yourself with love in all your empty, shattered spaces."
Saw my ex at his party tonite. His gf is still no show. She never parties. Considering DJing is his passion in life, that just about sux. But he's so in love with her, and no matter how much I love dancing and share all the same interests as him, it never worked for him. When he was being all drunk and hugging me and telling me that he made a song just for me I was going to cry. Standing on the street, listening to him tell me how it's the best track he's ever mixed in his life, and how he was thinking of me when he made it with over 100 layers and nearly crashed his laptop, I tried so hard to smile and pat him on his back like a good friend. Driving home was hard, thinking of all the things about myself that I'd never told him, all the fear in my that prevented me from opening up. He was the last guy I'd ever pour my heart out for like that. And we both still care so much. But I was just not good enuf. I came home and finished 2 pounds of strawberries. Kept eating mindlessly until it was all gone. I'm starting to think that I AM an emotional eater...
Sometimes life is so hard it hurts.
Sometimes life is so hard it hurts.
quite accidentally, saw a short video clip from PETA called "Meet your meat". I have quite a tough personality in many aspects (love to travel alone, didn't even cry after getting mugged, etc.), but this video clip took me by surprise. it was one of the few things in my life that i couldn't even finish watching. I just spent the last hour throwing away anything meat related in my kitchen. If anyone considers themselves an environmentalist, humanitarian, social concious, or just a normal person with a good heart, i urge you to watch this film if just to be aware of the massive torture and cruelty occuring everyday for the sole purpose of stimulating our taste buds.
ps this video is free on dvd if you order the free vegetarian starter kit on PETA.
ps this video is free on dvd if you order the free vegetarian starter kit on PETA.
now in terms of my own food dilemma, just wanted to jog down some free flowing thoughts of the moment to see what's on my mind:
It's hard to say if the binging is under control now or not. My weight is still going up (I'm at about 133-135 now). Heaviest as I have ever been, but I don't want to put myself into a guilt trip over it. Have been spending a lot of time and energy working on it. Am now trying to grasp the idea that I should honestly be able to say that I love myself regardless of my weight or my appearence. Tried diet pills, only got a heavy headache and other caffeine withdrawl symptoms out of it. Tried sugar substitutes (stevia, xylitol, sucralose), only to realize that it doesn't get to the core of the matter at all. The fact that I binge on anything regardless of its content. Can leave some food in the fridge overnight now. although only overnite, usually still finish it off the morning after. Am becoming more and more dissatisfied with the side effects of binging: major bloating, water retention, terrible digestive system, major lack of energy, general depression (mostly due to the fact that even I hate the way I look in the mirror). And i'm hoping it is true that dissatisfaction is always the start of positive changes in life.
Everything else in life is moving very slowly as well. I just find that I have no drive to complete any task on time. I'm constantly late for everything. My relationship with my professor is becoming more and more strained. Is this because of the lack of energy? or because im trying to do too many things at once? or the fact that I still haven't found my true passion? I'm at a loss. and I feel like there's no one i could get help from. For once it's a battle I have to win internally....
It's hard to say if the binging is under control now or not. My weight is still going up (I'm at about 133-135 now). Heaviest as I have ever been, but I don't want to put myself into a guilt trip over it. Have been spending a lot of time and energy working on it. Am now trying to grasp the idea that I should honestly be able to say that I love myself regardless of my weight or my appearence. Tried diet pills, only got a heavy headache and other caffeine withdrawl symptoms out of it. Tried sugar substitutes (stevia, xylitol, sucralose), only to realize that it doesn't get to the core of the matter at all. The fact that I binge on anything regardless of its content. Can leave some food in the fridge overnight now. although only overnite, usually still finish it off the morning after. Am becoming more and more dissatisfied with the side effects of binging: major bloating, water retention, terrible digestive system, major lack of energy, general depression (mostly due to the fact that even I hate the way I look in the mirror). And i'm hoping it is true that dissatisfaction is always the start of positive changes in life.
Everything else in life is moving very slowly as well. I just find that I have no drive to complete any task on time. I'm constantly late for everything. My relationship with my professor is becoming more and more strained. Is this because of the lack of energy? or because im trying to do too many things at once? or the fact that I still haven't found my true passion? I'm at a loss. and I feel like there's no one i could get help from. For once it's a battle I have to win internally....
I had a guy walk away from me at the gym yesterday.............
He patted me on my back when i walked by cause he recognized me from dance class. We had a great conversation (I look at him so differently now because i had no idea he went through so many similar experiences in life). But out of nowhere he was like oh we can talk about all this next time when we go dancing, and then he almost ran out of there. it was soo weird. I blame it on the way i look: fat and bloated. I dont even recognize myself anymore. the binging is finally catching up with me, my weight is going up very fast now. today i printed out a food diary chart to place on the fridge. this has to stop.
He patted me on my back when i walked by cause he recognized me from dance class. We had a great conversation (I look at him so differently now because i had no idea he went through so many similar experiences in life). But out of nowhere he was like oh we can talk about all this next time when we go dancing, and then he almost ran out of there. it was soo weird. I blame it on the way i look: fat and bloated. I dont even recognize myself anymore. the binging is finally catching up with me, my weight is going up very fast now. today i printed out a food diary chart to place on the fridge. this has to stop.
what a day...
after all these days of good eating, i still couldnt stop myself from binging today. ate a bag full of granola, tons of fruits, pretzels, half a container of cream cheese, carton of ice cream... i feel so gross right now...
I've always believed that it's always best to hear the truth no matter how much it hurts. but i'm not sure anymore. somehow i wish my friend didn't tell me all the truth last nite. that I was lied to all along by yet another guy. living in lies, dating a nonexistent image of a guy he has created with all his stories. feel like such a failure. after all I've been through i was yet deceived again. barely escape before becoming another victim again. went through the day at work in a trance. came home and just kept eating. and felt worse as i ate more. feel like i could never go back to the old confident and normal me again. that i'm just getting further and further away from the right path. i'll try again to be better tomorrow, but tonite i just feel like letting everything go.
after all these days of good eating, i still couldnt stop myself from binging today. ate a bag full of granola, tons of fruits, pretzels, half a container of cream cheese, carton of ice cream... i feel so gross right now...
I've always believed that it's always best to hear the truth no matter how much it hurts. but i'm not sure anymore. somehow i wish my friend didn't tell me all the truth last nite. that I was lied to all along by yet another guy. living in lies, dating a nonexistent image of a guy he has created with all his stories. feel like such a failure. after all I've been through i was yet deceived again. barely escape before becoming another victim again. went through the day at work in a trance. came home and just kept eating. and felt worse as i ate more. feel like i could never go back to the old confident and normal me again. that i'm just getting further and further away from the right path. i'll try again to be better tomorrow, but tonite i just feel like letting everything go.
