I was going to post this on the 31st, my one month, but after writing it..I feel like I should post it anyways now.
Letter to Me
Hello Ken,
You might be surprised to read this but I am you, well I am you about 15 years later. I know where you are, in the hospital after having your stomache pumped. This was suppose to be the last time. You took those pills fully ready to die. It was only when something inside of you screamed out that you called the campus police to save you.
Yeah, I know you are in pain. You don't know who you are or what sort of future you have. That is where I come in. I'm here to tell you the truth. Some of the truth will be hard to take but it's truth I have had to learn, and you will too. The truth is you hate yourself. It is why you have tried to kill yourself several times. You hate yourself but you wore a mask for everyone while you was stabbing yourself inside.
The first thing you have to realize is why. Why do you hate yourself? I'm going to tell you and you are just going to have to lay there in the hospital bed and listen to it. It really came down to your childhood. I can tell you from here that I have many gaps in my memories as a child. You do too I know. I am not sure why. Hell, I am pretty sure my love for Disney is trying to capture something I don't think I ever really had. It comes down to family.
Our family does love us. No matter what you might think, they do. However, they are a family is a family who expresses themselves badly. Instead of encouragement, they throw jabs and remarks. their idea is that it would toughen you up. all it did is break you down, much like boot camp in an army. Look at all they 'attacked': you wore glasses, spoke with a speech impediment, short for your age, a geek (making computer games at 9 on a computer in a way that freaked out your engineering father who didn't really know how to approch you), socially awkward and sensitive to the world..thinks they never was. In many ways, you felt they saw you as the outcast, someone who could never be one of their family. You are a wiz in school..their answer was don't show that you are smart. You was suppose to get into sports which you wasn't into. Don't read so much. You want to be a teacher or a counciler..they said no money in it, be an engineer. You wanted to go to school in Colorado or Ithica or F.I.T. in Florida..no, go to Clemson cause the company your Dad works for hires engineers from there. They love you but they never have understood you or where you come from. Eventually you put on a mask to try and make everyone happy. You also turned to eating. As you ate, you grew. As you grew, the comments grew. It was a cycle that had you stabbing yourself inside. That came out a few times in reality..that is why you are where you are. You hate yourself because you could never be yourself.
The truth was hard to hear. It took me time to come to grips with it all and it will take you that time too. That's all the bad stuff..now for the core of why I'm writting this to you...I love you.
Funny sounding but the fact is, all that hatred of myself is gone. Ok, not ALL of it but almost all. I want you to hear how your life is now. You have a woman who will be your wife. Her name is Amy and she has seen your heart and soul like no other. She sees everything you hid from the world. The mask you always put on for people is gone. You are finally who you are. Who you always felt you was. You have found your faith in Wicca. You have a job and two cats (well one is missing her leg so we say 1 and 3/4ths cats). More important than the physical things are the emotional things. You no long hide your intelligence. You no longer hide your geekness. You no longer hide your faith and your thoughts. You no longer hide..period.
And you are happy and you love yourself. You have finally gotten to the point to work on the one last hurdle, your weight. Your weight comes from the eating of emotions. you found comfort with food. They never looked at you with disgust or laughed at you. That is how you use to look at food. Feel in bad or stressed? Eat that candy or pizza or hamburgers. That has changed. Oh you still love food. You still love to cook and create, to sample and experience but you don't turn to it for comfort. That's not completely true. You slip here and there but you are eating smarter..analysing and using your greatest weapons, your intelligence and your believe in yourself. You never thought I would say that do you? It's hard to see that where you are. The world seems void of hope and life.
I'm telling you it isn't. I'm going to take us places you never imagined..from Kuwait and Iraq to Tokyo and Thailand (you are even going to get a tattoo). I'm also going to take away that pain. I'm currently dropping the weight and every pound is another layer of that pain. You are going to shine Ken. You are going to be brighter than you can ever imagine. You are going to touch more lives and change their lives in ways you don't even think you are able to do. You are going to shine..and I promise you you will never think about turning that light out ever again.
Love,
Ken
