In need of accountability...

T

timeforachange

New member
Dear Diary (and everyone who reads this),
Maybe this is what I've been looking for. I'm at this crossroads where it's like "now or never." I look in the mirror and the image I see makes me think, "look what you've done to yourself." Meanwhile, my 8 month old smiles and me and just knows me as Mommy. I want SO BADLY to end this lose/gain cycle. I want her to grow up with a healthy mommy who loves to be active and who feels good about herself. Not one who's constantly trying to not look too fat in her clothes and suck her gut in. Getting this out is therapeutic and if anyone responds, please be kind. This feels like a beginning. There may be a lot of this for a while. Just be patient with me and let me get it out. Will tomorrow be the day I decide I'm worth it? I sure hope so. For now, I have a beautiful baby wondering why I'm not paying attention to her.
Bye for now :)
 
Welcome sweet-heart! Now is the time to really change your life for the better. I wish so much that I could have learned to love myself back when my 2 lovely sons were born. I have always had self-esteem issues & it's only in the last few years that I can say that I do love myself & know that I have real value. It's not just for your own sake that you need to start really loving yourself, but it's for your beautiful baby. Our children look to us as their role models & they take on so many of our views.
I still feel teary that our younger son, who's now 32 still has serious issues, especially about his weight. He had Bulimia as a teenager. He heard & saw his mother obsess about weight for almost all of his childhood. I can't undo that but I can let others know so that hopefully they don't repeat my mistakes. It is heart-breaking to hear him say that he is a couple of kilos more than he likes to be. He is as skinny as!
I'm so glad you have come into the forum. You will find a very supportive group of people here. Let us know a few more things about yourself (how much you think you need to lose for example or what your current BMI is) & give us something to call you, even if it's not your real name. It's easier than typing timeforachange ;) I'm guessing you don't have too much to lose if you can suck in your stomach.
Use your diary as a place to say how you feel. You're right it is very therapeutic. It helps me work my way through things & I get wonderful support.
Bye for now & give your beautiful baby a hug from me (I'm a grandma) look at both of yourselves in the mirror & say "Look at us. We are beautiful!" & smile & you will be, xo Cate
 
Hi Cate! I just wrote this ridiculously long response and somehow lost it. SO FRUSTRATING! Anyway, maybe my response will be AMAZING this time :) Your response brought me to tears. It really feels good to know I'm not alone. It even feels good to have a place where I can encourage other people too. We humans need each other so much more than we are willing to admit! I'm sorry to hear about your son but thank you for sharing-I'll be praying he's able to overcome everything. So...about me. You can call me Annette. It seems silly not to give you my "real" name, but my husband is into internet security so I can hear his response if I gave my real name. All of our passwords are ridiculous and I'm pretty sure there's no way anyone could ever crack them. I can hardly remember them! LOL! Anyway, enough about that. I live in the U.S. and am 5'7' and weigh 217 lbs. My heaviest weight was 240 lbs and thank God I'm not there, but my lowest has been around 170. Oh, how I would LOVE to see 170 again. I felt comfortable in my own skin back then. Anyway, life happened and, unfortunately, I haven't learned a different way to deal with stress other than eat. I'm a teacher and I work 1 hour away from where I live. I get up at 4:30 daily, take my daughter with me at 6:15, and get back home around 5 or 6. My husband doesn't get home from work until around 8:30. We've been in our current town for 2 years-we moved for my husband's job-so we do not have family close by. When I'm working, my weeks are a whirlwind. I have 8 weeks off for the summer and I will be SO DISAPPOINTED in myself if I don't lose a little weight and make some positive changes. My husband is working on getting a job with a different schedule so we can both be home in the afternoons and function like a team. I feel like I'm all over the place! Anyway, one thing that I've struggled with is a crazy strong desire to stay home with our daughter. I had no idea how quickly and strongly that would hit me! Our goal is for me to work one more year but I want to do this next year without gaining weight. Actually I want to be losing weight! Here's what I want to accomplish next week: find healthier alternatives to the sweets I LOVE to eat & do this strength-training program for 15 minutes each day. Baby steps, I know but I'll feel successful if I can do these two things. Again, thanks for your encouragement and for the hug for my sweet daughter-she brings us such joy! You are a great encourager and a blessing!
Annette :)
 
Dear Diary,
Today hasn't been the worst but it hasn't been the best. I had a cake mix left in the closet and I'm trying to "phase out" some foods-in other words, I'm using this as an excuse to eat these foods "one last time." How do I not feel overwhelmed when I start a healthy eating program by thinking, "What if I never get to eat _______ again?" Ugh! Why do I put so much stock in WHAT I eat? I am self conscious. I watch what I eat in front of other people. We do that though, right? Like if they see that I don't have dessert, they won't know that I eat it when they are not around. Silly, I know. I have no desire to buy clothing. I went to the mall today and saw myself in full-length mirrors a few times. I don't even want to shop. And tell me, why is it that if you need a bigger size, it often has to have some loud design and be as long as a dress? Anyway, a different topic. I got up and swam with my family this morning, had a good breakfast, a good snack, and then I remembered those cupcakes I'm "phasing out." I sent the rest with my husband to work but not before I ate 2. I feel like I'll be missing out if I don't. Like I'll never have another opportunity to eat cupcakes made from a box. Like that is decadent. They felt good in my mouth, tasted yummy, but afterwards I thought, "not really making much progress towards getting those pants any looser." I am not the best cook either. Unfortunately, that is a goal for another week. Right now, I want to find healthy alternatives for desserts with a small amount of sugar (honey, if possible). And I'd love for it to be chocolate. I've never had anything chocolate sweetened with honey-would that even be good? I'd try it. I've also thought about making a sorbet with bananas and watermelon or mango or some combination of 2 of these 3. But what about when I want that cake feel in my mouth? What do I eat then? I still have lots of searching to do. Maybe some type of chocolate granola bar sweetened with honey? Would that satisfy? It should. Come on, Girl! So much yummy fruit this time of year-make it work...and not in a cake or pie-LOL! I also am not a big meat fan but lots of protein is helpful when trying to lose fat. Chicken gets this weird taste when it sits in the fridge overnight. Anyone else think so? Anything I can do about it? I feel like I need a chef to come in here and teach me from the ground up, how to make easy, healthy meals for my family. I'm looking into freezing meals and making meals either for a week or a month, although I'm not sure I could be organized enough for a month. I've been eating lettuce wraps with chicken deli meat and cheese wrapped up inside. They are pretty good and filling. How can I overcome the carb/sugar love? I know it will help and I'll FEEL better. I want to feel better. I need LOTS of energy with my schedule. This is really awesome. I mean, I don't know who'll read this but I still feel like I'm getting it off my chest and sharing it with someone, even if no one reads it. I'm going to do this right-baby steps, one day at a time. I know I'm worth it :) If you're reading this, you are too.
Annette :)
 
Thank you Annette. We do need humans & you get to know people pretty well in here. I like the idea of your baby steps. Try having fresh fruit when you feel like sweets. My day would be weird now if I didn't have a fruit platter after dinner. Sometimes we have one after lunch as well. It is the best sweet & you satisfy the craving. I just grab 3 bits of fruit- almost always an apple, maybe a kiwi fruit, a mandarin & 10 grapes & halve it.
Wanting to stay home with your baby is a perfectly natural thing. I was lucky in that I was able to spend the 1st 5 years home, but after that it was crazy as we ran a bar together for 18 years, working 7 days a week. Sometimes you just have to do what you do.
I have to go as we're off to golf & G (my husband) wants me to look up some handicaps online, xo Cate
 
Thanks Cate! Thanks for sharing what works for you. I will end with fruit, am looking into alternatives and am determined to find things to work for me. Hope you had a nice time golfing :)
Annette
 
Hi Annette. We had been typing at the same time yesterday & I missed your 2nd last post. I just tried sending you a pm, but was not allowed to (too soon maybe for you?). Read your 3rd post in your diary. You can edit it & remove anything that maybe shouldn't be there ;)
You can learn to really love fruit. It's all about mindset. The more healthy you eat the more healthy you will want to eat. As you feel better about yourself you will want to eat more nutritious food and be healthy. Your body is your temple Annette
 
Dear Diary,
Well, today was okay. It was always starts out much better than it finishes but I'm okay with that. This has been a SLOW transition for me so I'm doing things in such a way where I'll be able to live with it. I went swimming alone this morning-it was nice. And I ate well all morning because I knew we were going for Mexican (fresh guacamole) and I knew I would get dessert again. I got tiramisu cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. I want to feel like I've recently had something AMAZING so I can begin my search for other alternatives as I transition into a lifestyle of not letting what I eat be the main thing in life that excites me. When I am working out, I'm much more likely to eat well. I really noticed that today. It's like I don't want to "waste" what I just did by eating something that will work against me. I do have in my mind that Monday is my "official" start but I'm really trying to make better choices even now. I don't want to be this size anymore. In fact, I'm due for highlights and today I told myself I could not get my roots done until I'm 210. I'm 217 now so PLEASE let that be a motivation so I can stop walking around with these dark roots :) I don't want to continue to reward myself if all I'm doing is harmful to me (in terms of eating). So, I'll let you know if that works. I wanted to buy some shorts yesterday. Are all popular shorts super short now? It's like my alternatives are daisy dukes or bermuda shorts. Daisy dukes make me look desperate and bermuda shorts make me feel older. Are there in-betweens? I don't know. The fact that I hate shopping now doesn't make me want to go out and look for alternatives. My spare tire is what bothers me most in terms of my physical appearance. This gut that sticks out and screams "here's the result of eating the wrong way! Look at me! Here's what NOT to do!" LOL! I am not self deprecating. I do have a good sense of humor and although I'm not at my happy weight, I try to enjoy life where I am. I would love to wear elastic waisted pants only but I feel like, for me, that would just scream "I give up." Believe me, what I wear now says it pretty loudly but constant stretchy pants (and not leggings-those tell the truth and most people who wear them as pants should rethink it) say I have given up and I don't care (just in my case. Don't be offended if that's what you wear :) Tomorrow is Father's Day. I have a good husband. I'm incredibly blessed that way. He thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am but knows how much my weight bothers me. He wants to help but doesn't know how. Sometimes the things he says hurts rather than helps. Let's face it, I don't want advice from a skinny person who's never had struggles with his/her weight. Right or wrong, it is what it is. I feel something different brewing on the inside of me this time. This forum, no this diary, has helped. Where's there's even the slightest possibility that someone has read this....it makes me feel like I've told someone. Crazy as it sounds. This coming week is going to be even better than the week that has passed. I'll probably be doing this daily...at least for now. If you don't see me or hear from me ask and make sure I'm still on the change train :) Let's do this thang!
Annette
Awesome quote I read today: "Don't mourn bad decisions-overcome them with good ones." -Joyce Meyer
 
Cate! You're the best! I guess the cat's out of the bag. I knew I would slip up somewhere. Thanks for letting me know ;) And I completely believe my body is my temple. I want to please God in all areas but I continue to struggle in this one. Until now...I'm going to do this! Thanks so much!
Annette (but you know the real one ;)
 
There will be many more people reading your diary, than writing in it. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself, but I know I'm not. Well. ha ha, I might be doing that too, but it is very good for you, so I continue. If you venture out into other people's diaries, they will be more inclined to visit yours. You don't have to say much at all. They're a great bunch! Sometimes I don't feel like contributing so might mention that in my diary.
Welcome to our community Annette :D xo Cate
 
Dear Diary,
Welcome Monday. You've been kind to me :) Yesterday was just as I thought it would be. Finishing up whatever things were left in the house that would not help me reach my goal. And my goal is to really change my lifestyle. I am proud of the choices I made today :) I didn't use food because I was lonely, frustrated, sad, upset, etc. I focused on getting protein, vegetables and fruits into my diet. It's 8:01 and I don't even want to eat that piece of dark chocolate in the refrigerator. Please let the way I see food be changing. I've been praying and asking God to change me from the inside out. We even went to a Chinese buffet today for my Dad's father's day outing and I focused on finding as many vegetables as I could and eating lean proteins. I drank water and then got 2 soft chicken tacos for dinner. Well, I bought 3 but it only took 2 to satisfy me. I was talking to my best friend today about how I've been stuck for the last 8 years. My 8 year wedding anniversary is this year and I've struggled with this my whole marriage. Well, before my marriage. If I think back, I was at a comfortable weight in 2005-2006 then a string of things happened in 2007 and I literally gave up. I gained whatever weight I had lost, plus more. I look in my closet now. It's like I'm waiting to buy clothes until I lose the weight. The problem is, I keep NOT losing the weight so I keep NOT wanting to buy clothes. I told my best friend the following today: "It's like I'm at a crossroads in my life. Either I suck it up and lose some of this weight or just accept that I'm fat and start buying some nice clothes." I have to begin to own it either way! At the end of this day, I do believe I've done my best and I'm thankful. My sweet baby girl is calling so I must end for today. Until next time :) And, if you read this (in addition to Cate ;), I wish you the best in your pursuit of a happier healthier you as well.
Annette
 
Glad you had a good day, Annette! :) My closet is similar to yours. I don't buy new things very often unless I absolutely need to. The things I have bought recently are a size smaller to give me motivation to keep going. Hopefully I'll fit in them soon. :) I hope tomorrow goes well for you! :)
 
Hi Jen! I'm so sorry-I really did write a reply the other day but it must not have posted. Thanks for the motivation. I have a pair of jeans in my closet I can't wait to get into as well :) Hope you've had a great week! Hang in there, you CAN do this!
Annette
 
Dear Diary,
It's been a few days. Life gets busy but I'm pretty pleased with my results so far. When I weighed yesterday morning I was at 212.8 lbs from 217. Only 2.8 more to go and I can get these dark roots done :) I have been trying to swim in the mornings, whenever our schedule allows. I even went out to a Chinese buffet today with a friend and really, for the most part ;), made healthy choices. I didn't over stuff myself and I focused on getting more vegetables than anything into my body. That would explain why I'm hungry now and have no idea what to fix for supper. But, I do feel like I've started something. This is a beginning for me. A new beginning. This morning, when I returned from my swim, my husband told me he was proud of me. He then said he really wanted to encourage and support me throughout losing weight but he wasn't really sure how to. I told him I would let him know exactly the areas I need help with.
I made some pretty healthy no bake oatmeal cookies with oatmeal, banana, cocoa, a few chocolate chips, & chia seeds the other day (I got the recipe online). I don't eat more than one a day. My daughter enjoys them too and I gave one to my husband the other night and he liked them too. Not working gives me the time and energy to focus on the things that are REALLY important to me. My quiet time with Jesus, exercising, eating healthy, and taking care of/doing what is best for my sweet 9 month old daughter. I want her to be super proud of her Mom. The clothing thing for me right now is still bothersome. I found some size 18 jeans in a tote (thank God) and they fit, for the most part. When I wear them a while they become pretty loose but I wear a belt so it's fine. My size 16 jeans both got holes in the inner thigh-too much friction I guess-LOL! I have basically worn the same outfit out in public the whole week, then I put on comfy clothes when I come home. I put on a 1X shirt today and looked like "fat mom" so I changed and put on the same shirt I'd been wearing all week (but it's been washed, don't worry). Pretty sure that one outfit is not gonna cut it but then there's the whole shopping thing. When do I want to do that? You never want to shop when you're TRYING to lose weight. You want to shop AFTER you've lost the weight. What size do I buy now? Why would I spend money if I'm trying to get out of those clothes? Weird but that is what I go through.
I haven't really started the strength training yet but I'm okay with that. This week has really been about paying attention to what I eat and getting my swimming in. My husband got offered a new job so I'm sure we'll go out to celebrate. I wonder if I will make great choices when we go out to my favorite restaurant? I think I can on the main dish and maybe enjoy dessert. I don't want all of this hard work to go to waste and, if I gain anything, I'll have to go longer with these hideous dark roots!
I met a friend for lunch today and I saw in her what I saw in me before I had my face to face with reality. If you want to stay fat, you will stay fat. If you want to lose weight, you'll exercise and change the way you eat. I know it's not so cut and dry but it kind of is. For me, now in my life, I either stay fat and get over it or do something to enjoy the rest of my life. Do you know how freeing it would be to not care what I wear? To not always think about covering my flabby arms or jiggly belly? I've been there before and it's AMAZING. Just AWESOME! I wasn't perfect then, not a super model and still a "little" concerned with the jiggliness of the belly but overall, it was awesome. I mean, at that point in my life I was actually beginning to ENJOY shopping because I could find my size in "normal" stores. I'm going to do this.
I keep hoping for a miracle and that I don't have to head back to work in the fall. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I love taking care of my daughter, my husband, and myself more. When I'm working full time, I just feel mediocre at it all. I know I'm doing the best I can with what I have but now there are no more excuses. When I grabbed that protein bar last night and read "210 calories," I put it back and got 1 pretzel rod instead. Just listening to that still small voice that says, "Not right now. Think about the effort you've put into this." Hopefully I'll get on the strength training band wagon next week. I'm not eating when I'm bored, lonely, frustrated, etc. and my goal is to fuel my body and keep me full. I'm asking God to help me not get tired of the foods I'm eating right now (I tend to do that) so I have NO EXCUSES! I can ask Him anything! Well, time's up because naptime is over for baby. YOU can do this too! Hang in there ;)
Annette
 
You can do this Annette & it's lovely that your husband is supporting you. I can tell that your mindset is changing already. Losing weight is the best incentive to want to lose more. Can you buy some clothes from a charity store to get you through the next few months? In Australia they have great choices. Enjoy your time with your family xo Cate
 
Thanks Cate! You're exactly right! Buying clothes from a consignment store is a GREAT idea. Hope all is well your way!
Blessings,
Annette :)
 
Dear Diary,
As I sit on the couch, staring into my baby girl's eyes I realize this is ABSOLUTELY worth it. Difficult at times, but worth it. Today has been rough. I've always been envious of people who say how much energy they get when they work out. Rarely is that the case for me. In fact, when I work out hard in the morning, I pay for it the rest of the day. The weather this morning was 61 degrees and I suggested we take a walk. It was a LONG, BRISK walk and I've struggled ever since today. I had to lay down and nap when my daughter did and I RARELY EVER have to do that. I've also tried to establish our schedule a little better. I made myself clean bathrooms today made a pretty good crock pot recipe. It's difficult because when I'm at home, there are a kazillion things to do and I have used food as a distraction in the past. Luckily, I now keep nothing that is real tempting in the house. In fact, I need to do grocery shopping. Saturday was a little bumpy-just dealing with a lot but I didn't go crazy either day this weekend. Funny how you feel like when you exercise and eat right you should lose like 10 lbs a day. My problem has always been the long haul. Oh well, I'm going to keep at it. Gotta go-sweet girl is calling :)
Annette
 
Sweetie, it is SO worth it. When you are the mother of a small child there are a gazillion things to do. You are not superwoman. Give yourself a break & if you need a nap, take a nap. You are in this for the long haul & you can do it. Be nice to yourself ( & by that I don't mean eat something rubbish ;) ). You will be the best example to your daughter by being healthy xo Cate
 
Hi Annette, I've read through your diary and I'll be following along with your journey. I know how you feel as I remember feeling the same way when my kids were small. Well, I've also been up, down, up again, etc. but I'm doing better on my journey now. I chose bike riding as my main exercise and so far I've lost 37 pounds in 5 months. I'm also using a free app called "Lose It" to track all of my daily calories. It really helped me get control over my calorie intake. Check it out if you think it may help.

I'll also add that I didn't completely give up my evil sweet desires...I just learned to work them into my daily calorie goal by making better choices the rest of the day and then really cutting down on the portion of the sweets. It once took me a week to eat a Hershey chocolate bar, but it was worth it, and I stayed within my calorie goal each day. So I don't think of it as "I can never have X again." I think of it as "I can have whatever I want as long as I stay within X calories per day." and now I have a tool to help me do that.
 
Dear Diary,
First, I'm incredibly thankful for awesome encouragers like Cate & BugDude. I appreciate your suggestions and your input. Cate, I got teary when I read the line "You are not superwoman." Isn't it funny how we think we can be? I needed that reminder and I often feel like I need as much encouragement as a new mom as I do to lose this weight. Thank you both-this community has been a God-send for me.

My husband & I got into a disagreement this morning and I am so hurt. Often in these situations I say screw it and go get an awesome dessert to enjoy. I'm NOT doing that today. He does not know how to encourage me. He was upset today because, being a teacher, I'm out for summer break. I often make plans to meet up with friends (I've done this three times in the last two weeks) and we go to a restaurant. Now mind you, I'm making WAY BETTER decisions since I've determined to take this journey. He reminded me this morning multiple times about how I'm not committed to losing weight and it's been the same story for the last 8 years-just beating me down with his words. I feel defeated in a sense. Just hurt. In all honesty, I don't think this has anything to do with me eating out. It was because I wanted to meet my parents. Long story, not the time nor place. But he turns it into this opportunity to remind me of my past failures and how uncommitted I've been/am, etc., etc. He says he knows women who have multiple children (we only have one) who are committed to eating healthy, etc. and I can't even do it with one child. It was just a mash-up of ugliness. Mind you, most of these women he's speaking of don't work full-time jobs but he doesn't want to hear that.

Nevertheless, the scales read 210.4 today. Only a little more until I'm able to get these awful roots done :) That will make me feel a little better. I'm also kind of bummed about this weekend. July 4th used to be a really big time for my family but we've all moved & I'm longing to feel connected here. I do venture out and try, but it's hard. I'm hoping someone will invite us over on Saturday. Probably sounds selfish. I could do something here-maybe I'll invite some people and start our own thing.

I know I'm all over the place today. Crying while I'm writing some of this. Probably PMSing. How do I remain successful and stay in this thing for the long haul, when my husband isn't exactly encouraging? This forum helps me tremendously and I have an awesome sister & best friend who are encouraging as well. I'm so thankful to receive encouraging words from people who've walked through the same things I have. BugDude, I get small dark chocolate bars and only eat either 1 of those or 1 cookie per day so I understand. I will check out the app you mentioned. I feel better getting this off of my chest and being accountable to somebody/bodies :) I will not use food to help me feel better today. I'm going to meet a friend from college I haven't hung out with in several years and we are packing our lunch so it should be fine :) I'll let you know either tonight or tomorrow about my success. I WILL make good choices today and use food properly! I hope you have a wonderful day and wish all who read much success!
Blessings,
Annette :)
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top