vjeklova
New member
Hi everyone,
this is my first post here and already kind of heavy, so I apologize for that in advance.
In the past two years I lost 60 kg of weight (132lb). My weight is currently 163 lb and if someone told me two years ago that the number on the scale would be that, I'd laugh it off, claiming it to be impossible, I attached two photos, one was two years ago during the summer and the other is two weeks ago or so. Seing the numbers and everything, I feel like i SHOULD feel proud of myself, proud of what I accomplished, proud that I work so hard on myself and that it shows. However, that's not the case.
I hate my body, maybe even more than I did before, the loose skin (I had skin removal surgery on my stomach and will have my thighs skin removed on november) aside, I hate my hips, I feel like my butt is gigantic, I see myself huge in the mirror and overall I feel like nothing I've done so far is enough. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how could anyone ever be interested in me romantically and I feel like all my insecurities and my mental state shows on the outside. I'm worried that I give off this kind of energy that'd put off anyone who might be interested in me. I can't help but look down on my feet when I pass someone, I never start a conversation, I just feel really uncomfortable around people that I don't know and that's something that i struggled with my whole life, but it has never been this bad.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night, hating myself and my brain is unhelpfully repeating how I'm not enough and I hate that. I hate that I became so obsessed with the way I look, pointing out every imperfection instead of finding something I could love about myself. I'm not like that when it comes to others, on the contrary. When my friends, who struggle or claim they don't like something about themselves, approach the subject, I'm the one who points out the good stuff about them, I'm the one who's trying to help them feel good about themselves, so why can't I do that when it comes to myself? I'm just really tired of feeling so under the weather all the time, being sad and hurt all the time and I feel kind of lost, not knowing what to do. I'm constantly on edge and feel uncomfortable when people point out how I lost a lot of weight, how I changed and look better etc. My family is starting to be worried about me because I'm tired a lot (I struggle with sleep when my brain just won't stop) and when I laugh with them, it apparently seems fake. The fear of gaining weight and repulsion that I feel towards myself just influences every single aspect of my life and I don't know how to fix it. I even tried therapy but stopped going after second meeting when I wasn't able to say any of this out loud to the therapist, I tend to just shrug and say I'm fine because this feels like I'm being an idiot for feeling that way.
How do I get out of this cursed circle? Thank you so much for any advice ♥ Also, english isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.
this is my first post here and already kind of heavy, so I apologize for that in advance.
In the past two years I lost 60 kg of weight (132lb). My weight is currently 163 lb and if someone told me two years ago that the number on the scale would be that, I'd laugh it off, claiming it to be impossible, I attached two photos, one was two years ago during the summer and the other is two weeks ago or so. Seing the numbers and everything, I feel like i SHOULD feel proud of myself, proud of what I accomplished, proud that I work so hard on myself and that it shows. However, that's not the case.
I hate my body, maybe even more than I did before, the loose skin (I had skin removal surgery on my stomach and will have my thighs skin removed on november) aside, I hate my hips, I feel like my butt is gigantic, I see myself huge in the mirror and overall I feel like nothing I've done so far is enough. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how could anyone ever be interested in me romantically and I feel like all my insecurities and my mental state shows on the outside. I'm worried that I give off this kind of energy that'd put off anyone who might be interested in me. I can't help but look down on my feet when I pass someone, I never start a conversation, I just feel really uncomfortable around people that I don't know and that's something that i struggled with my whole life, but it has never been this bad.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night, hating myself and my brain is unhelpfully repeating how I'm not enough and I hate that. I hate that I became so obsessed with the way I look, pointing out every imperfection instead of finding something I could love about myself. I'm not like that when it comes to others, on the contrary. When my friends, who struggle or claim they don't like something about themselves, approach the subject, I'm the one who points out the good stuff about them, I'm the one who's trying to help them feel good about themselves, so why can't I do that when it comes to myself? I'm just really tired of feeling so under the weather all the time, being sad and hurt all the time and I feel kind of lost, not knowing what to do. I'm constantly on edge and feel uncomfortable when people point out how I lost a lot of weight, how I changed and look better etc. My family is starting to be worried about me because I'm tired a lot (I struggle with sleep when my brain just won't stop) and when I laugh with them, it apparently seems fake. The fear of gaining weight and repulsion that I feel towards myself just influences every single aspect of my life and I don't know how to fix it. I even tried therapy but stopped going after second meeting when I wasn't able to say any of this out loud to the therapist, I tend to just shrug and say I'm fine because this feels like I'm being an idiot for feeling that way.
How do I get out of this cursed circle? Thank you so much for any advice ♥ Also, english isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.