I have a dream - Camy's new diary

[Camy]

I have been slacking for a while and today I start properly again. And to properly start again I need to start a new diary and not write in my old one, so here I go.

There are some changes going on in my life and my dream is to end up the person I want to be. The biggest change is that I am separating from my partner of 5 years. I loved him and I lived with him for a long time, and I have only recently discovered that he is keeping me back, lowering my self esteem.
He does not do this on purpose, he says he loves me but is a very selfish person and puts himself first constantly. In the last few years with him I have felt that I could not leave because nobody else would want me, I could not leave because he is such a great person for not leaving me, much more than I deserve. But that has to end, I do deserve a good man, and I do deserve to have someone who loves me, who puts me first. I will not write out the one million things he has done that left me feeling so unworthy, because this diary is going to be a cheerful place, a help for my new beginning. Now I have to live with him for 8 more weeks, because of our living arrangement, but I have decided to make the most out of it.

The person I want to be is the happy, cheerful person I was 6 years ago, bubbly and always positive. She is also thin and a dancer. I have danced since I was little, but stopped when I started university after doing it full time for a year and when I move back to Europe (in september) I will take dance classes 5 days a week, for that I need to be already thinner, because I feel more comfortable dancing when my weight is down. The person I want to be is also secure of herself, knows that she is truly worth it.

I will start specialization training in october and for that I will move to a new city, meet new people, start afresh! I would like to be well on my way to being that person I want to be by then.

Weightloss wise I want to be between 120 and 115 pounds, the lowest I ever was (as an adult) was 127 and I clearly needed to lose some more there to feel right in my body, so I base my goal weight on that. Unfortunately since then I have put on 9 pounds again and I am up to 136. Ideally I would be around 125 for september 11th (my graduation date), but I am not sure I can do it in that time frame. If have been taught anything by this last year and a half of weight loss it is that goals are good but being too attached to a goal is the opposite.
What initially started me changing my habits was a yearly visit at my gynaecologist, I weighed 163 pounds then. Last year when I went for my routine yearly visit I weighed 140, this year I would love to weigh 125. This visit will be around late september too. I would love to eventually be at goal (115-120) by christmas.

My plan is to eat consciously, between 1300 and 1600 calories a day, breakfast I will try to introduce oats (due to my celiac disease I have not eaten any cereal for a long time) and base it on oats and fruit, for lunch mainly salads, soups or omelette. Dinner is usually my biggest meal, but I will try to avoid fried rice (I love fried rice) too often, as well as french fries. I will try to eat in more than I usually do, eat more fish and lean chicken, no skin, and have healthier sides, such as vegetables (here almost everything come with fried rice or french fries).
I will try to exercise an hour 5 to 6 days a week, twice a week I will swim 30 to 40 lanes and the other 3 days dance at home. I have a 20 minutes dance DVD, I have made my own 20 minute stretching routine and will try to do 20 minutes of choreography. If I can I would like to do some light weights as well, I will see if that is feasible. Plus abs.
Sometimes we go surfing (this weekend for instance), which is quite a lot of exercise.
My weigh in day will be monday and I will record everything I eat on here, hold myself accountable.

Today's food:
Breakfast: 1 big glass of fruit juice (250 ml)
Lunch: nicoise salad (with lettuce, tuna, 1 egg, 1/2 potato, cucumber and tomato, dressed in olive oil and vinegar)
Snack: 1 apple, 1/4 cup of oats with juice
Dinner: chicken in sweet chilly sauce with rice, 1 tonic water

Exercise:
didn't manage any

So it begins... again! Camy

 

[MicheeH]

Hey camy!
Thanks for stopping by my journal. It is great to see that you are back on track. You certainly do deserve a man who will love you and put you first. There is no reason to settle for less and i am sooo glad to see that you have come to that conclusion. Most of all you need to do this for you, and if someone is holding you back from the things you want then they obviously do not understand your needs and dreams.
I too used to dance and loved it! Nothing competitive, I just wanted to do it for fun so i did mostly jazz or hip hop from age 3 till i was in the middle of highschool. I definitely understand the love of dance. I will probably never go back to dancing in a studio now but i would like to feel comfortable with my body when im dancing by myself at home or at a club.
It looks like you have a great plan to reach your goal and i wish you all the best! I look forward to reading more about your journey!

 

[Camy]

First day (and second day) didn't quite go as planned, didn't manage to go to the pool yesterday and I ate a ton for dinner. Unfortunately 2 things also happened at dinner: 1) I ate a whole chili and burned my mouth and throat (that was stupid) and that I think caused me to have a massivley upset stomach today. And secondly everyone around me smoked all evening, it was a small closed place and I had 3 asthma attacks tonight, plus my eyes are really swollen, I feel like crap basically.
So no sports for me today, I am going to start taking antihistamines and up my inhalers and hope that I am fine tomorrow. Also not much food today, I had breakfast and then for lunch I was still digesting breakfast, had a smoothie in the afternoon and will have probably chicken tonight.
Oh also I am trying to wean myself of sodas. I didn't use to drink any, but I do now and I hate them! Yesterday I had a tonic water, but today I will go cold turkey!

Food for today:
Breakfast: 1 bowl of oats in apple juice, 1 apple
Lunch: --
Snack: 1 fruit smoothie with soy milk
Dinner: beef skewers, french fries

No exercise, as ill.
Camy

 

[Camy]

I can't believe it, day 3 of my new start and I am already sick as a dog. I must have got the flu or something, throat ache, head ache, stomach ache, diarrhoea, fever, blocked nose, the whole nine yards. Yuck! Plus I am going to get my period, if not today, maybe tomorrow. Not a good week on the whole!

So today will be another day of rest... yesterday I only had 2 options for sides, fried rice or french fries. I decided for the fries but gave some to my still boyfriend, and I did not drink any soda. Yey for me! I really wanted one (and also I really wanted a chocolate bar), but I was strong. Eventually I will allow all those things again, but all in good time. I need to prove to myself that I can control myself, after the last few weeks of splurging and eating everything in sight. Being sad/depressed has always fuelled my weight, the last time I got depressed I gained like 15 pounds (2 years ago, july and august). This time I will not let that happen. part of what makes me depressed is not having any control, so exercising control over what I eat etc... should help me get my life in order (as well as my body), plus being thinner will help me get over being sad, because I feel happier when I am thinner.

So today I will have tea and juice for breakfast, soup for lunch and we will see about dinner. I need a lot of fluids (and vitamins) to get over this darn thing ASAP. If I am not better for Friday we won't be able to go surfing and I was really looking forward to that.

Oh but I do have 1 set of great AMAZING news: I can get my eye surgery!!! I am so beyond excited about that, instead of being a fatty with eyeglasses I will be a thin beautiful person with perfect eyesight! I did some testing 2 months back and the results were not too good, my eyes are all wonky in the back apparently, and they were not sure if it was possible to operate on these eyes. They did some rtesting 3 weeks ago and this morning my father emailed me the results, and they are that wonky or not wonky I will be able to get the surgery. In September I'll do it I think... another reason why I need to be thin for september, so when for the first time since I was 8 I have perfect eyesight, I see body that I like in the mirror!

Food for today:
Breakfast: 2 cups of tea, 1 large glass of multifruit juice, 1 apple
Lunch: soup with rice noodles, large amount of cucumber salad
Dinner: vegetable omelette, fruit smoothie, 1 apple

No exercise, as I can barely walk...

Camy

 

[Camy]

First things first, I am feeling a tad better, nose is less blocked, fever is down, pains and aches are greatly reduced. So I am pretty positive we are going to surf tomorrow, might not surf tomorrow but definitely saturday and sunday.

Now for the bad news, I made a big mistake this morning, I had to go and buy cleaning stuff, and I wanted a mars bar so badly... so I went to get one but they only had double bars. I bought it and told myself I would eat one today and one tomorrow, but that did not work. I ate both for breakfast!!! Bad bad me! Otherwise I am still resting, taking in tons of vitamins to try to get my system back on track and not doing much else. My neighbour promised me an aerobic DVD, so I will probably do that a few times next week...

Food of the day:
Breakfast: 1 medium glass of multivitamin juice, 1 apple, 2 mars bars
Lunch: 1/2 can of baked beans, scrambled eggs (1 egg and 3 egg whites, my friend calls it the "californian anorexic scramble")
Snack: 1 fruit smoothie
Dinner: Salad, maybe 1 fruit juice after

No exercise, still recovering.
Camy

 

[Owl1]

Oh, sucks that you are feeling sick. I hope you start feeling better soon. Your scramble sounds good, what kind of baked beans do you use? I am a baked bean freak, even though they make me fart like crazy I cannot live without them. Don't fret the mars bar incident, just adjust your calories accordingly and try and learn a lesson...lol! Sometimes you have to feed your cravings to get them out of the way before they take control of you. I guess here is where I say moderation is the key...but that doesn't always work out like we want it too, hahaha!

 

[Camy]

Surfing did nto happen, we went there but it was too cold and rough for me, and I didn't want to get sicker, so I just sat on the beach, read a lot, had a good time generally.

Bad news is: my skinny jeans barely fit me, I REALLY need to lose the weight goddamit! I want to walk around in them and feel comfortably by september.

I got my period today, so maybe if I was carrying around water weight and swollen it will go away these days, tomorrow is my weigh in day but I am pretty sure I will still be 136 or even more... , well next week will be better, it wasn't my fault I was sick all week.

Food of friday:
Breakfast: 1 and 1/2 mars bars, 1 glass of juice
Lunch: 1 small piece of chicken, rice
Dinner: cold tomato soup, grilled fish with french fries, banana with chocolate sauce

Food of saturday:
Breakfast: yoghurt and fruit, 1 glass of juice
Lunch: 1/2 beans in coconut sauce and 1/2 lentil curry with half a portion of rice
Dinner: mashed potatoes and 2 soft drinks

Food of sunday:
Breakfast: 1 vegetable omelette, 1 tea
Lunch: nothing
Snack: 200 cals worth of maize crackers
Dinner: fillet steak with sauteed potatoes and veggies, 2 scoops of icecream (delicious)

This weekend I totally overdid the sodas, I need to cut them totally out, I will try to go cold turkey this week. No sodas! Enough is enough! I need to be string and I can.


The plan for this week is to try to work out 1 hour a day, no sodas and less eating out. Next weekend we won't go away for the weekend so that will hopefully make it easier to eat and drink better!
Camy

 

[Camy]

OK so good news and bad news:
Good news is: I lost a pound this week! Woohoo, I can move my ticker! 135! Next week I am hoping for 2 pounds, so 133!

Bad news: I woke up at 5 feeling like I needed to throw up. I ended up not throwing up but still feel nauseous, and I am so sad and upset that I am yet again sick. Honestly I did not think living in Africa would be so hard on me physically. I have had everything since I arrived from intestinal parasites (2 different kinds) to malaria, including worms, several debilitating gastroenteritis episodes, injuries (broken bones and dog bites). I am very tired and worn out from this last year over here, I want to be able to exercise and be active and have fun, but I am constantly battling some disease or other.
Anyhow enough whining. I will try to get over this today and be fine tomorrow, I will only drink water for now and if I start feeling better maybe eat something very very bland although right now just the idea of eating is beyond me.

Food for today:
Lunch: noodle soup
Dinner: tomato soup, 1 apple, 2 ginger ale

Camy

 

[Camy]

Feeling a bit better.

Food of the day:
Breakfast: 1 apple
Lunch: big vegetable omelette
Dinner: chinese vegetable and beef, half a portion of fried rice ( so no more for me this week), way way too many soft drinks

 

[Camy]

Yesterday we went to a party and I was good and didn't eat any party food, but I was bad and had like 4 soft drinks!!!

Today I am going to walk for a while as I have to run some errands, that is like 100% more exercise than I did in days here... I know I am so bad. But next week, if my health allows it, my friend who is coming to visit and I are going to the north, it will take a few days but will be worth it, we will go to the only natural park here where you can (hopefully) see elephants and monkeys and I think we will bike a small part of the way, and generally be more active than just being at home!

Food for today:
Breakfast: 1 apple, 1 can of palm hearts, 1/2 glass of juice
lunch: 1 fruit smoothie and a tuna salad
Dinner: salad with some chicken, maybe 1 scoop of ice cream (??)

 

[ymcachick]

Hi Camy, just dropping in to say hello. Hopefully things will settle down for you once you get relocated. Are you feeling better? A couple people in my family have been sick lately too.

Great job on the weight loss. A one pound loss at your weight is HUGE. By the way, I stumbled onto some of your before/after shots, and my goodness. Even at your current weight, you're going to show those snobby bitches up at graduation. Seriously. The transformation is phenomenal. You have a lot to be proud of, Camy!

Oh and I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed that you hit a 2 pounds loss this next weigh in.

 

[Camy]

Thank you YMCA, I don't really think I will lose this week, I have been beyond lazy, just not a very good week, whatever. I still hope for the best !

Yesterday we had a very posh party at the swiss embassy, all embassadors were there, some important politicians, it was quite neat. I drank 3 smallish glasses of soft drink (probably about 1 1/2 soft drinks) and I drank water too, which was definitely an improvement.

Food for yesterday:
Breakfast: 1 medium bowl of cereal with light ice tea instead of milk
Lunch: green bean salad (70 cals of beans) and 1/2 can of baked beans (150 cals)
Snack: 1/4 of a mango
Dinner: 1 sausage, 1 potato cake, 2 slices of cheese, pickles, 1 mini chocolate mousse

Food for today:
breakfast: 2 mini chocolate mousse
Lunch: 1 fruit smoothie
Dinner: 1 juice, 7 sushi rolls, 1 bowl of rice and beef, 1 sccop of ice cream

I know my food choices are weird, we have not really gone shopping this week, so i am eating whatever I find. Next week will be better.

Camy

 

[Camy]

Today my friend arrives, I am very excited. Also our scales broke, damn them! Will need to buy new ones. I hate when that happens, because new ones always weigh slightly differently.

The best news though is: my skinny jeans fit! They fit perfectly, snug and beautiful. Not a huge muffintop either, even though my belly is so ugly and not toned. My boyfriend said they look amazing, I am so happy! So now I am looking online for shoes. I won't buy them, but I know what style I want to sport this year (I went with the adidas superstars for 2 or 3 years, it is time to change my footwear to adapt to my new fun loving exercisy dance persona). I think I want nike dunk highs, they are really hiphoppy.
I used to have this look in mind, I wanted a white skirt and a red tank top, but in time dream outfits change and now my dream outfit is my skinny jeans (they are electric blue), a white and black top (I haven't chosen it yet, but I think those colours will go well with the electric blue) and my new shoes, plus my new hair style that I am still chosing. I think I finally want to go for shoter hair, I have always, since I can think back, had long blond locks. It is wavy and very feminine. And I always wear it in a pony tail so nobody really knows it is wavy and feminine. I think I want to cut it, have a long fringe (down to my like chin), and shorter layers, the longest only a little past my shoulders. I also want it blonder. I think that would make me look more modern and funky. I really want to look funky next year. I am bored of my "good girl" look, I have always had. There is a dancer on a reality TV show in Spain (Fame academy), she is pretty cool looking and I want to sport her looks. I know I am kind of old to copy someone elses looks, but well... I don't care. She looks really cool and easy-going and I think it would suit me. I'll try to find a good picture to inspire me... I mean I should hold on to whatever gives me inspiration, right?

Today's food:
Brunch: 1 big vegetable omelette, fruit salad, 1 smoothie, 4 cups of black tea (with half sugars in it)
Dinner: maybe just popcorn (??) going to the cinema, so maybe that will be my dinner, and some soup afterwards (tomato soup, yumyum)

Camy

 

[Camy]

I mountain biked (off road in like the jungle) for 4 hours today. Go me! I am so tired I can't even explain, and so dirty too. And scratched. And bumped. But happy because I managed. Technically that should be about 2000 calories burned off right there. GO ME!

Food for today:
Breakfast: 1 bowl of rice krispies and soy milk
Snack: 1/3 of a pineapple, 1 chocolate bar
Dinner: instant noodles

Camy

 

[Camy]

After over a week of not coming online... well let's see what happened. We travelled up north in a horrid trip, it was bumpy and the roads were terrible and it took about 20 hours to get there but once we were there it was totally worth it, SO beautiful and we saw elephants up close, so it was good. Then we came back down (again 2 days worth of trip as the roads are not safe at nighttime), and then went to the coast to see some history in the form of an old slave trading castle and get a day of beach fun. The weather was grim so the beach fun was not so great and I started getting a tad sick.

This is a kind of funnny story, I thought I might have a UTI about 10-12 days ago, but it was not constant it came and went and wasn't really that bad. I had a couple of days where it was worse and I drank a ton of cranberry juice to clear it out. Well then I get this fever 3 days ago and pain and aches everywhere, thought malaria first so put myself on antimalaria drugs, the pain gets worse (when I breath in it hurts badly under my ribcage) and the symptoms don't clear up after 5 out of 6 doses of medicine, so we went to the hospital yesterday. And I am so glad we did! I have a UTI that has turned into a kidney infection, which is really serious and very dangerous. I am now on antibiotics (really strong ones) and very strong pain medicine.
So for everyone who may read this, whenever you think you might have a UTI, GO TO THE DR!! Don't be stupid like me and wait.

I am not eating tons right now, not really feeling hungry that much, but we will go as a treat to the cinema today and I will have popcorn, looking forward to it. I will weigh myself on monday, so tomorrow, but I am pretty sure I still hover at 135.
Camy

 

[nightrunner1]

Hi Camy, I saw your before and after pictures and you look amazing! Awesome job with the weight loss!!

Good for you for recognizing when a relationship isnt working for you and for having the courage to be proactive about it.

Im so jealous of you! -ive always wanted to learn to dance but im soo uncoordinated...

 

[Camy]

Thank you nightrunner for your sweet post! Also anybody can dance! You just have to enjoy it, who cares what it looks like!

So while I was toying with my idea of a fruit fast I went to get some more results from all the tests I had to go through and talk to the docs again and I told my doc about this fruit fast and he thought it was a great idea and to start today. This way my infected kidneys will be flushed form the load of water and tea I will consume and I won't have salt and sugar intake that makes them work too hard. So I started now, this morning I had 1 apple and 1 tiny bananas (they would be 1 small banana put together), now for lunch I am having 2 cucumbers, 2 tomatoes and 1/2 avocado, all without sauce and salt and additional flavours which is really a new adventure.
I am such a salt freak, I love salt, I adore salt, salt is my best friend and I think I can't really taste the real taste of a lot of food because I smother them in salt. So for just 3 days I will try to go back to the roots, just eat fruit and veg by itself and see if my body heals itself and if I learn to appreciate the real flavours again!

My plan, which I discussed with my doc, is between 3 and 4 l of water and tea a day plus only fresh fruit and vegetables for 3 days. I am not sure I can make it 3 days, I will start with 1 day at a time, so today is ok, not thinking of tomorrow.

My plan for food for today is:
breakfast: 1 apple, 2 small bananas
Lunch; 2 cucumbers, 2 tomatoes, 1/2 avocado, 1 small mango
Snack: a just fruit and water smoothie (no sugar and nothing else added)
Dinner: 1/2 avocado, 1 pineapple, 1 banana and whatever else fruit I fancy

 

[Camy]

I am almost back guys... I needed a hiatus as I was travelling around (England then Spain), I graduated and am starting, on monday the next chapter in my life: specialization training in Barcelona.
I move on monday, then have a week to get used to the new city and then start training on tuesday. I have a preclinical year and then the clinical years later. So far I have found a room in an apartment I really like. The room is small but the apartment is big, with a nice big living room, a terrace and a lovely kitchen. I will be living with 3 guys which is fine by me, guys make less problems than girls as far as I am concerned and from my experience.
I had found a job but the woman who was going to employ me promised the job to me then went behind my back and searched for someone who could work the same days, but also work on christmas and probably wanted less money, so she just called me 5 days before starting the job (as a nanny, to get some extra cash as I am pretty tight this year) and told me that I shouldn't come. I was livid, I still am livid, it would have been ok if she had told me she would keep looking, because then I would have continued looking too, but this way I am now jobless and pretty f*****!

What else is new, well I cut my hair short, a total first in my life. It looks awesome, very pixie-ish! In the back it is really short and the front a tad longer, I spike it up a bit with gel because my curls and waves make for a very strange helmet of hair au naturelle. I also bought some new clothes (1 new pair of jeans, size 10 british size, woohoo) and now today I will get rid of everything that doesn't fit anymore, looks ugly, is old, etc...
I have also had laser surgery, so now I have 20/20 eyesight, which is amazing! I love it! I am still in treatment, getting tons of eyedrops a day, but so far it is one of the best things I ever did. I love being able to wake up and see!

With my still-boyfriend things are strange, I wanted a break or a break up because I wasn't happy and felt unloved and unappreciated which made me very insecure and lowered my self-esteem (you can read up on that in my first post of this thread), but he has been really good, he calls every day (sometimes more than once), he wants to pay for some holidays at christmas time for the two of us, he cried when I left... well all things that make me think he does love me. I need to settle into my new life and then see what I really want, he has booked those holidays (10 in NY for new years... it sounds awesome and was my dream holiday) but not paid for it yet, and we will discuss it again in a month or so. I miss him but I am also enjoying the me-time quite a bit.

I have decided that I am not doing enough for our planet though, so I am going to go green. I will do 3 things: 1.) get a mooncup, 2.) buy a bicycle and 3.) go vegan 3 days a week. The vegan thing is the biggest in terms of my life changing, it is a great way to reduce your carbon footprint and I eat a ton of salads etc... anyhow, so I think I can do it. I will do it until x-mas and then see if it works for me. I do hope it does because it really is something I would love to do. Plus I still get to eat everythin I want the other 4 days a week!

Finally weight loss: well I want to lose 8 kg. I would love to lose it all before christmas (and my birthday and the drs visit that will take place around those dates) but I know my body and I know I am a slow loser, so I am not going to push this as a time frame too much. I am cleaning up my food again, I am back here to track my food and exercise again, I am looking for gym and dance schools and making a plan.
My plan is to eat well, stay around 1500-1700 cals a day as I managed before (on the non-vegan days mainly fish and veggies, and egg, on the vegan days a lot of soups and salad and legumes), exercise in the form of dancing probably 4 to 5 days a week, maybe go swimming or to the gym a little bit (especially if I am not holding a job I will have plenty of time, however not exactly plenty of money), and I will move by means of a bike so that will be some little exercise on the side (my apartment is close to university/hospital so I am not exactly going to bike 50 miles a day).

In essence the new me, the one that sees perfectly, has cool short hair, trains to be a clinical geneticist, has a high selfesteem and loves herself, helps the environment in all the little ways she can, exercises and dances her way through life and is just a healthy well-rounded human being is well on the way. Now the new me just needs to lose those last few pounds and the new me will be exactly where the old me wished I would be at 25 years old (which I turn in January).

Here goes to the new me! Camy

P/s: my first goal is to lose 6 pounds in october... not sure I can manage, but I will try my hardest!

 

[Camy]

Weighed in today, and I weighed a pound less... noted it in my ticker because I am a sucker for punishment (I will be so sad if I have to go back up on sunday).

Today I woke up so late that I didn't even eat breakfast, I cannot wait to start a more organized lifestyle again. I like sleeping late don't get me wrong, but I also really like having a routine etc... and being able to control the food a tad more. Plus exercising. I am going to spend an hour looking up schools for my dancing this afternoon. Since I now know where I will be living I can search more efficiently in the neighbourhood or at least not so far away that it will take me hours there and hours back. I live next to a park too so I could eventually go running again (since money is really tight this year). We will see.

Food for today:
Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: 2 egg omelette, with ham and a little cheese, big green salad
Snack: almond cake (I make the most spectacular almond cake and I will make some today as an old school friend is coming to visit)
Dinner: fish and vegetables

No exercise until next week, unfortunately.
I think my official weigh in days wil be sunday morning and wednesday morning. I need to buy scales for my new flat anyhow so I am not sure when exactly I will manage my proper weigh ins, hopefully by midoctober though. By midoctober I should be 2 pounds lighter than now !
Camy

 

[tamwalt]

Congrats on the loss, and yeah, sometimes we all need hiatus's. Running would be a great idea, and routines are awesome, I really need to get back in to a routine too. You look like your doing good, keep at it and I'm sure you will reach that 2lbs loss by mid-october.