LuckyColleen
New member
Hello all!
Wow, what a wonderful place. I am so excited to find such an active board. I NEED connection right now. So many issues rattling around my voluptuous self, all of them contributing in some way or another to my weight gain. My story:
I’m 44, 5’6” and 177 pounds. Since adulthood my weight has fluctuated between 125 and 165. The lowest was 118 when I met my ex husband, but my mother had just passed away and I am sure the drop was due to grief/stress (I did not look healthy at this weight.) Once I married the “happy weight” popped back on and over the next 8 years I started to hit the 165 mark . . . frequently. Can we say Yo-Yo-Ville? I work in theatre and at that time was performing often, so there was always a reason to drop the weight, a motivation, and I didn’t always do it properly. Let’s just say Phentermine was my friend for a few years, and not a very good one.
Fast forward to 2001. I divorced, which was heartbreaking but really the best thing, and soon after began a long distance relationship that lasted three years. I was still able to yo-yo because I only saw him every three months or so, and would crash diet to be thin for him. See a pattern forming here? We broke up in 2004 and within a year I got a much better job but it was an hour away. It was also more desk-oriented than I was used to. I found myself living a sort of half life. I love my house in the country and have never wanted to move, but I also know I have a great job. And so I’ve tried to maintain both, living in one town, working in another, trying to date but finding it nearly impossible. There was a string of lousy attempts at dating, coupled with exhausting 11 hour work days (with commute.) Then last year I met a guy and it was by far the most stormy relationship I’ve ever had. Talk about not being good enough for me, but to this day I can’t process that. I still feel I have to settle. We also yo-yo, going back and forth between friendship and dating, always stormy, always unfulfilling for me. No time to perform anymore, no real social life, too tired to exercise, and emotionally starved by the man I love. Guess what happened? Twenty more pounds happened.
Of course I helped it along. My boyfriend and I were broken up for 8 months, still in contact though, and we just broke up AGAIN this week after a pathetic attempt at dating again. But in the course of a year (on those lonely, brooding weekends) I began to binge eat, and drink beer. I never drank to get drunk, just numb, and always drank with food. Embarrassing amounts of food. In fact I’m lucky I am not far worse off! When I hit the high 180’s I knew I had to do something or I’d hit a point of no return, at least emotionally.
I know the psychology of what I am doing. I know I’m trying to “fill” some void. A void left by bad relationships and having to give up so much of my creative energy due to work. I remember reading in the Off Topic forum how our weight can determine how we view ourselves, how it messes with our self esteem to the point that we let things go. We let others hurt us. We hurt our bodies. I think I’m a casebook example. For years I thought I could always bounce back. Now, in my forties I feel so defeated.
So here I am, earnestly searching for success stories, and strength in a common struggle. I’ve dropped to 177 merely through post break up depression, but I want to do this the right way. But I know for me, it’s going to take more than diet and exercise. I have so much “filling” to do at the emotional level. I’ve tried, really I have, as in therapy and a shelf of self-help books, but I can’t seem to get out of this rut. So, SO much is wonderful in my life, but I just can’t see past my expanding waist and double chin to feel the joy. And so I have decided to start from the outside in. Which brings me to ya’ll.
Thank you for reading this epic. I look forward to getting to know all of you!
Colleen
Wow, what a wonderful place. I am so excited to find such an active board. I NEED connection right now. So many issues rattling around my voluptuous self, all of them contributing in some way or another to my weight gain. My story:
I’m 44, 5’6” and 177 pounds. Since adulthood my weight has fluctuated between 125 and 165. The lowest was 118 when I met my ex husband, but my mother had just passed away and I am sure the drop was due to grief/stress (I did not look healthy at this weight.) Once I married the “happy weight” popped back on and over the next 8 years I started to hit the 165 mark . . . frequently. Can we say Yo-Yo-Ville? I work in theatre and at that time was performing often, so there was always a reason to drop the weight, a motivation, and I didn’t always do it properly. Let’s just say Phentermine was my friend for a few years, and not a very good one.
Fast forward to 2001. I divorced, which was heartbreaking but really the best thing, and soon after began a long distance relationship that lasted three years. I was still able to yo-yo because I only saw him every three months or so, and would crash diet to be thin for him. See a pattern forming here? We broke up in 2004 and within a year I got a much better job but it was an hour away. It was also more desk-oriented than I was used to. I found myself living a sort of half life. I love my house in the country and have never wanted to move, but I also know I have a great job. And so I’ve tried to maintain both, living in one town, working in another, trying to date but finding it nearly impossible. There was a string of lousy attempts at dating, coupled with exhausting 11 hour work days (with commute.) Then last year I met a guy and it was by far the most stormy relationship I’ve ever had. Talk about not being good enough for me, but to this day I can’t process that. I still feel I have to settle. We also yo-yo, going back and forth between friendship and dating, always stormy, always unfulfilling for me. No time to perform anymore, no real social life, too tired to exercise, and emotionally starved by the man I love. Guess what happened? Twenty more pounds happened.
Of course I helped it along. My boyfriend and I were broken up for 8 months, still in contact though, and we just broke up AGAIN this week after a pathetic attempt at dating again. But in the course of a year (on those lonely, brooding weekends) I began to binge eat, and drink beer. I never drank to get drunk, just numb, and always drank with food. Embarrassing amounts of food. In fact I’m lucky I am not far worse off! When I hit the high 180’s I knew I had to do something or I’d hit a point of no return, at least emotionally.
I know the psychology of what I am doing. I know I’m trying to “fill” some void. A void left by bad relationships and having to give up so much of my creative energy due to work. I remember reading in the Off Topic forum how our weight can determine how we view ourselves, how it messes with our self esteem to the point that we let things go. We let others hurt us. We hurt our bodies. I think I’m a casebook example. For years I thought I could always bounce back. Now, in my forties I feel so defeated.
So here I am, earnestly searching for success stories, and strength in a common struggle. I’ve dropped to 177 merely through post break up depression, but I want to do this the right way. But I know for me, it’s going to take more than diet and exercise. I have so much “filling” to do at the emotional level. I’ve tried, really I have, as in therapy and a shelf of self-help books, but I can’t seem to get out of this rut. So, SO much is wonderful in my life, but I just can’t see past my expanding waist and double chin to feel the joy. And so I have decided to start from the outside in. Which brings me to ya’ll.
Thank you for reading this epic. I look forward to getting to know all of you!
Colleen
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