Jesus titty fucking Christ, that was a long read.
:rubs eyes:
Aaaaah, anyway, I figured I would chime in on a few things. First, I get migraines too. I've gotten migraines since I've been a wee lil' Chef. When I was younger, I used to get one every few days, but the pain wasn't that bad. Maybe a 6/10. But, as I've gotten older, my migraines decrease in frequency (maybe 1 every other week) and have increased in pain (10/10). When I get a migraine, I can't look at light, hear noises or move. All of that makes me throw up on the spot. My head feels like it's on fire, but my body gets freezing cold. I have to strip naked, point a fan on me, get under a bunch of blankets, pack my head in ice and hope I can fall asleep before the pain makes me pass out. Then, after I pass out for a few hours, I'll wake up and immediately start throwing up everywhere for an hour or so. Fun, huh?
From what you are describing though, you might be getting cluster headaches (I get those too). When you get your headaches, do you get a pounding sensation behind one of your eyes that shoots back towards your temple, which progressively gets worse over a course of an hour or so? If so, you're getting cluster headaches. There is some good medicine available to treat those. Personally, no medicine or treatment works for me, but I've seen other people drastically improve their symptoms through proper medication.
Secondly, you're probably going through all of this relationship stuff because you're growing up and becoming your own person. When you met your boyfriend, you were kids. When you started dating your boyfriend, you were kids. Unfortunately, people change as they get older, so maybe that's what you're going through.
I went through something similar (although my situation had some poopy twists and turns along the way). I met my ex-girlfriend when I was 18. She was 16 (I didn't know that when I met her). Anyway, we dated for 3 years. During the course of that time, she changed. She changed A LOT. The person she was at 19 wasn't the same person as when she was 16. She liked different things, ate different foods, listened to different music, talked differently, acted differently, etc. I loved her no matter what, but she had definitely grown up and went through a lot of changes in her life.
Since you and your boyfriend have been together since you were 14-15, I can only assume that both of you have gone through some significant changes yourselves. After reading your journal, I know YOU have. Anyway, I'm not trying to influence you in any way, shape or form by saying this. I just want you to know that I'm giving you a heartfelt, honest word of advice that is coming straight from my heart...
Do what makes you happy.
My ex-girlfriend dated me for 3 years and then dumped me because she was a closet lesbian. She lied to me for 3 years and dragged me along, making me believe she was someone that she wasn't. I threw away everything in my life to be with her because I loved her more than anything; I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
When she broke up with me, I was fucking devastated. I cried, I punched fucking holes in the wall, I yelled, I screamed, I cried some more and I drank myself into oblivion. But, no matter how mad at her I was for what she did...I never hated her. Why? Because, she did what made her happy. She did what she had to do for her own good.
You have to do the same. It's a scary choice to make, I know. Trust me, I've been there. Unfortunately, I was on the receiving end of the decision, but I've been there none-the-less. Since she left me, my ex-girlfriend's life has gotten a lot better. I hate to admit that, but it's true. She went to college, got a good job, has her own life and she's never been happier. It was a tough choice for her to make, but it ended up being the right one.
Like I said, I'm not trying to sway your decision, one way or another...I'm just giving you advice based on my personal experience.
Also, the cutting? Don't do that. I walked in on my ex-girlfriend cutting her arms one day and it was one of the most heartbreaking, gutwrenchingly awful things I've ever seen. I know that people have their own ways of dealing with the pain, but don't physically hurt yourself. I'd hate to see you take it too far one day, if you get my drift. I've been there and I can tell you in all honesty...it gets better.
By the way, I think you look great. Why you're on a weight loss forum, I don't know. Seriously, you look amazing and you should feel really proud of yourself. You're a beautiful girl, you have a great personality and you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders. I think you're perfect already.
Keep up the good work! I'm glad you joined the challenge we're having. I'm sure that will be the "slap in the face" you requested. You'll do kick ass and get to your goal. I know you will.
PS - Your chinchillas look delicious. I want to cook 'em up with a nice plum sauce and serve them with a nice little mixed greens salad. NUM NUM NUM!!!
Tsk tsk, Mariah! 
but I think its helping everything go through my body quicker and it really does keep me full til my next meal. 
lol
