Hangs head in shame....back again***Diary of Kaplooie***

kaplooie

kaplooie

New member
So, I've been around for years and years...and years...and here I am, back for another round of whoopin my arse back in shape.
So, in the past I've gone from 234 to 165, then from 214 to 158. And now...dunDUNdun *ominous music que* I'm back up to 233 and figure its time for the yoyo to swing back down to a more reasonable weight. I'm 5'3" and super fat right now. When I tie my shoe laces I have to actually pop my knee out to the side so I can get to my foot, I have to do it so I have room for my enormous beer belly. I'm a chick, so beer bellies being dead sexy aside, its not comfortable or graceful.

I am currently unemployed, for the first time in my life. I rage quit a job at the beginning of the month after taking verbal/psychological abuse from several co workers for over a year and a half. I had enough. I decided it was time to work on myself and get myself healthy again, happy again, and in a more emotionally healthy work environment eventually. My boyfriend, who thinks I'm dead sexy no matter how rotund I get is very supportive. He enjoys the healthy meals I have been cooking, has been fishing to bring me lean meats like perch and sea bass (can't wait for the salmon to start running). He fully supports me getting up at 7am and going to the gym as long as I don't wake him up while I get ready, or when I get home, or until the coffee is made (he is a seasonal worker and off for the next few months). He also told me if I ever want him to he'd slap food right out of my hand before I could eat it...you know...if/when I need that kind of support its good to know I have it.

Now, to the inevitable "plan" detail. I am eating low calorie with lower carbs (about 15% of my macros) because I am diabetic. I am using My Fitness Pal to track all that, but the "community" there is full of a bunch of vicious harpies so I stay away. I prefer smaller message boards anyways, hence my return to the motherland of my weight-loss success'. I'm eating around 1400 kcal a day and working out 6 days a week, starting with a lot of much needed cardio. On my favorite, the elliptical. And doing core work on my stability ball. I will get into weights in a couple weeks, I'd just like to establish a healthy relationship with my gym again before I start lifting (and I'm ecking out slowly when the best times to use the weight room are...so far...not at noon on Tuesday when the weird czech* guy is there ass gazing...). *I'm Czech so I can say that he is weird because he is.

You might ask me, "Why is it that you always get fat again, Kaplooie?" Simple answer. I like food and holding still for long periods of time. There. HONESTY! Refreshing I hope. No cure for that but to do what I don't like and that is show some sense of moderation and move more. Dammit. Anyways, hello to all, new and old. I'll be here, refreshing the diary page ceaselessly till I pass out from boredom so feel free to chat me up ;)
 
You might ask me, "Why is it that you always get fat again, Kaplooie?" Simple answer. I like food and holding still for long periods of time. There. HONESTY! Refreshing I hope. No cure for that but to do what I don't like and that is show some sense of moderation and move more. Dammit. Anyways, hello to all, new and old. I'll be here, refreshing the diary page ceaselessly till I pass out from boredom so feel free to chat me up

Welcome back Kaplooie, just wish it was under more favorable circumstances. I enjoyed your post and your honesty. I think everyone on here can agree that we like to eat - and most of us like that holding still part too.

Well, you've done it before, you have good support from your guy, and you have a good plan so I foresee lots of success in the days and weeks ahead.
 
it's nice to have a supportive bf, tho i hope the slapping hand part won't happen too often haha.
i will stick around your diary for updates! hope you get a better job soon!
 
Oh wow, you are a woman after the fat in my bottom! But please don't hang that creative head in shame. I know very few people who have been able to keep it off permanently. Other changes have to be made and I have had my weight fluctuate and rollercoaster all over the numbers chart! It feels just AWFUL, I know, but we are here to support one another and figure out ourselves and how we wound up in this diet dilemma.

My highest weight was 175 and I am 5'4". It hurt physically as well as emotionally to carry around that kind of weight. It was the first time I had ever experienced morbid obesity. I am shocked to be even half sane -- lol!!! I then lost 75 lbs but after about four years crept up to 240 and totally flipped out. I finally am at 208 and it's slow going. I am missing a crucial step in learning the tricks or inner resolution to keeping it off. It's very emotional to have a weight problem and I am ready to try and figure out why this keeps happening, too. I must be able to trust I am acting on my best behalf when it comes to food because it turns out that even skinny people eat for celebration, entertainment and even boredom.

I laughed when I read the name Kaplooie! In 2013 I was 180 and was so happy. Then it all fell apart and I went up to 215. It's a mental beating that is unlike any other. I also love to eat great food! I have to find a way to eat regular food with emergency food at the ready, because I know I have to prepare myself for the days when I just can't take it anymore and have to have something that covers all flavors and textures that is still healthy while being very tasty as well. In other words of course, I want to have my pizza and eat it too. DAMN!!!

This particular forum seems different and special to me. I noticed that, too. I had taken a good look around and was overjoyed to find such a balanced community. I have not been here more than two months (I have actually lost track because of illness) but I feel this is more than just about losing weight. Keeping it off has always been the hardest part for me. I am searching for a way to develop a sustainable eating regimen. I have to stop this war that keeps repeating itself. Metamorphosis is intense and confusing. When I got down to 160 once, I felt out of touch with myself and in touch with myself simultaneously. There is not one Geneen Roth book I did not eat. I am looking for more reading material that will help me reconnect with my inner resolve and I am having a time of it.

Looking forward to discovering answers. Great to meet you.

Gillian
 
It happens, but you're taking the steps to get back to where you want to be and that is what is important. I got a feeling this will be the last time for you having to cut weight again. Hang in there, don't feel ashamed, you'll kick this weight's ass for a third time. I'm curious as to the time frame for the weight coming back after being lost, if you don't mind?
 
Good Luck!!!!!!
losing weight is hard, as I am finding out! But I believe you can do it!

And yes, siting still and eating is awesome... a habit I must break myself of as well. lol.
 
MrVee said:
Welcome back kaplooie. It only has to work once to be rid of the weight forever.
Click to expand...

This was the original plan 10 years ago, alas I'm beyond "one time" now. I appreciate the sentiment though. Hopefully this is THE LAST time I have to lose it.

Gillian said:
I laughed when I read the name Kaplooie! In 2013 I was 180 and was so happy. Then it all fell apart and I went up to 215. It's a mental beating that is unlike any other. I also love to eat great food! I have to find a way to eat regular food with emergency food at the ready, because I know I have to prepare myself for the days when I just can't take it anymore and have to have something that covers all flavors and textures that is still healthy while being very tasty as well. In other words of course, I want to have my pizza and eat it too. DAMN!!!
Click to expand...

A huge problem I have is that I'm a total foodie. I'm going to be broke soon so that will make things easier on the decision making process (cheap or nothing...) but I can cook some GD good food and self control is hard with that on a plate in front of me.

dudeitstime said:
It happens, but you're taking the steps to get back to where you want to be and that is what is important. I got a feeling this will be the last time for you having to cut weight again. Hang in there, don't feel ashamed, you'll kick this weight's ass for a third time. I'm curious as to the time frame for the weight coming back after being lost, if you don't mind?
Click to expand...

The first time I lost the time frame for regain was around 18 months, the second time I kept it off for 3 years before it started creeping back on crept back on. But, I've been back at being fat for a while now, too long. For a while I was in denial because people in my life are way to nice about it. Sometimes you just need a friend who says "Yo fatass, get to the gym." and then slaps the food out of your hand.

Thank you all for stopping by and reading my fat monologue. I will, in all my leisure time, get to reading all of your threads. I started a few of them last night.

So I finished yesterday with EIGHTEEN calories to spare, and that was with eating my exercise deficit. I realize, going over the last few days of my food log that I drink a lot of whiskey and wine and waste a lot of calories there. I need to wrangle that in a bit but I'm not quitting...I'm not a quitter. I can probably do without the man-cans of PBR though. That I can cut out.

I bought fat free milk at the store yesterday because A) less calories and B) it was 50% off so I could buy twice as much and freeze some. It tastes awful. I only use milk in coffee, my morning post-workout latte (home made), two shots of espresso and 8 oz of milk with sugarfree caramel syrup. OMG, fat free milk is so bad. A lot less on the calories, I mean, I can fit in an extra shot of whiskey tonight *almost* thanks to the difference, but is it worth it? Just kidding...its makers mark, suffer now for the whiskey later.

The boyfriend has been fishing lately and has brought me black sea bass and kelp perch so we have been eating that lately. Last night I made a super low calorie bass piccata with a Mediterranean style quinoa salad. The bass was about 23 oz so we cleaned that up no problem but we have a ton of leftover quinoa so thats on the menu for today and some kind of leftover perch...maybe in a tuna salad style. Portion control with quinoa is so hard...but so important. Especially when trying to keep my carbs low.

I went to the gym this morning and while doing my 25 minutes on the elliptical there was a guy in front of me on the row machine doing some serious grunting. Normally I've been trying to beat my elliptical time by two minutes everyday so I can work up to 45 minutes, yesterday was 29 minutes but I only made it 25 minutes today because my abs were killing me from too many crunches on the stability ball yesterday (and laughing at the grunter was painful) and my legs were searing from lunges and squats last night and were not loosening up with cardio or stretching. I need a sauna.

Aside from going to the gym every morning I have very little structure to my life right now. I go to bed early-ish only so I can get up early and go to the gym but the time between gym and bed is pretty wide open. I need a hobby. Because I'm almost done watching all the seasons of Dawsons Creek that I bought at a local yard sale.

Ya'll have a good day, I'm going to make it to some of your threads today for motivation, inspiration and general time wasting. <3 <3
 
Aaaand this morning is off to an epic start. For pretends. Missed the gym today, maybe I'll make it later this afternoon. Woke up with a massive headache and chugged a bunch of water thinking I was dehydrated, the water caused me to projectile vomit, I guess it was just too much too quick. Then I had to drive to the store to buy bacon for a school cooking project for my son, which he failed to mention until like 2 seconds before he was going to bed last night "Mom, wheres the bacon?" "we don't have any" "well I need some for school." "FUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuu" so thats how that conversation went. I bought bacon, and a croissant sausage egg and cheese breakfast sandwich and drove home and ate and passed back out and woke up at 1030. I feel fine now. But blew my calorie count for the morning. And my carb count for the day. Damn headache.

Last night I managed to talk my boyfriend into buying new gym shoes so he can come with me to work out and new gym shorts so that he doesn't embarrass me while doing this. I also managed to get him to agree to go to the pool with me and swim laps and use the sauna. I know...I'm very persuasive. He has done really well losing weight this winter from just watching what he eats. I set him up with a bunch of healthy frozen burritos for him to take to work for lunches and he dropped 22 lbs like nobodies business. (he just read all that over my shoulder and said "thats right bitches, I'm a success story").

Aaaaanyways, last night we had fried cabbage and turkey sausage for dinner, with leftover quinoa salad, sauerkraut and little bit of skellig cheese. And too much wine. After I entered everything into MFP, you know when it tells you "If you keep this shit up you'll be this much less fatter in this amount of time" well, under that was a link to a blog post about not drinking your calories. Well played MFP, well played.

If I get my ass in gear I'll come and update this post...if its not updated picture me on my couch with a computer on my lap and a dull look in my eye because that will be an accurate vision of me.
 
Welcome back, Kap. We've all had our ups and down during our weight loss journey, so I hope you don't feel discouraged. I think it's a great thing that you're back and ready to get your ass in gear - that's awesome.
 
Thanks Chef, it feels good to be back and making healthy choices.

Who is watching the Durby today? Not me! I have house cleaning to do and am going to the gym here in a few minutes. Who is watching the PacMan fight tonight? Not me! I have basic cable. Yesterday started bad but ended kind of good. Had a date night with the boyfriend, we went out for sushi, made healthy choices and then patted ourselves on the back about it all night. After dinner we went for a walk, it was so romantic. Then I had to get up at 6am to drive him to a job because even though he's on vacation he can't say no to work. And they really really needed him. And its nice to have him out of my hair for the day, lol. After I dropped him off I went back to bed till 11 am when the kid and the dog could not contain their noise any longer.

I have not eaten anything yet today, I typically don't before I go to the gym. I'm drinking coffee right now though. Two shots of espresso and 8 oz of fat free swill. I have a bunch of veg in the fridge that needs to be used, like...right now, or it will go bad so I'm going to make a big salad. Pork chops for dinner because that's what I have on hand and I only shop on Mondays because I'm unemployed and on a "budget."

Anyways, after dinner tonight we are going mushroom hunting. I've heard rumors around town that people are finding Morels, its a bit late this year and its really dry out right now but I love morels. If I find them the BF will have to go and catch some trout to go with them. Or buy me some steak ;) I really do love where we live. From April to October there is basically free food everywhere. We live within walking distance of a beach, and a salmon stream and there are berries galore in the summer and fall. A couple more weeks and we'll have fiddleheads and other spring greens. Anyways, coffee is gone and the kiddo really wants me to get off my ass and take us to the gym so I'll come back later, read some more threads and make some stunningly insightful comments and then get all philosophical about something. Later
 
So nothing went as planned last night. Well, dinner went as planned. It was good. Pork chops, you cannot go wrong with them. carmelized some onions, threw in some oyster mushrooms, sage and then decided to add some grand marnier. Ate it with some quinoa, to which I added garlic, parsley and spinach. The "not go as planned" part of the night was that we didn't go mushroom hunting, it started raining. Not monsoon raining, but cold wind driven rain and frankly I'm a wimp and like a warm house so I stayed home. We were invited to a few fight parties but didn't go, glad we didn't. Alot of our friends are Filipino and after that loss I bet the parties were like funerals. Today is pretty much an eat leftovers from the fridge day, I don't really plan on cooking anything for anyone unless begged. The weather is supposed to get bad this afternoon, high winds and rain so I'll just avoid the outysidy stuff today.

Yesterday I managed to stay on the elliptical for 31 minutes and totally rocked it. I was listening to some good tunes instead of a book, makes a huge difference. I watched my son run a 8 minute mile on the treadmill, ahhh to be young again. I didn't know he had it in him, he's not that athletic. I weighed in at 230.4 this morning, I had at one point this week seen 228 but alas that was a mean trick. But an almost three lbs loss for week one is pretty good. I'll take it. I don't think I'll go to the gym today, I'll call it a rest day. I worked out five days this week. Pretty good effort.

I finally nailed down that hobby to keep me busy. My dad had this old boat for years, we used to spend a lot of time on it as kids, fishing and joy riding and stuff. He gave it to me. It needs a lot of work. Like...a loooooooot of work. It has moss growing on it. But its a good shell, 24 foot glasply. It needs a new engine. So now I HAVE to get a job. Dammit.
 
Hi kaplooie & welcome back to the very supportive WLF forum. It sounds like your head is in the right place to get to where you want to be & it's great that you also have a supportive bf. Fixing your dad's boat up sounds like an interesting hobby. Hopefully you can get a part-time job.
 
Thank you Cate! I will eventually find a job, part or full time, I have put zero effort into it so far. I saved enough money in the last season of my last job that I can go for a few months no sweat.

So, yesterday was a rest day and this morning I got up, motivated to get to the gym. I got there and all the good ellipticals were being used by a bunch of guys...it was the old one with the super short stride that makes my calves cramp that was left. I considered pulling the fire alarm briefly...I really did. So, I did 13 minutes on the crappy one until someone got off a good one and then I did 19 minutes on that one...so much better with a longer stride. The difference is huge.

So then I go to log my cardio on MFP and up pops an ad for MFP premium...for the low low price of $50 a year you get ad free, more services, "customizable" plans...(shhhhh...you can customize the shit out of your goals already). *HUGE-EYE-ROLL*

Today is shopping day, YAY! The weather is less then conducive to this activity. Its raining and blowing and generally nasty. If I go I have to plan that my groceries will get wet on the way home because I drive a pick-up. But, I've got a huge list and we are running low on everything so I have to go. This week along with a shopping list I made a menu plan, granted my menu plan is more geared to saving money then it is to losing weight. I'll be weighing everything before it goes in my mouth. Tedious but necessary. I'm not going to blow the budget on pre-packaged "easy" foods. I like shopping on Mondays because its senior discount day and there are all sorts of older people milling around and they like to chat and are generally more pleasant, and the store puts out a lot of sale items in the meat and dairy departments on that day.

I was trying to reminisce and remember what I used to eat when I was losing so much weight in 2007. A lot of chicken breast...which for some reason is not cheap and probably going to get more expensive with that whole bird flu thing going on. Thighs are cheaper but they are higher in fat and calories. I used to eat eggbeaters, I wouldn't touch those vile cartons now. Lots and lot of veggies. I used to have the self control of a freakin saint. I would force myself to come home from work, clean the entire house, go to the gym five nights a week and then come home and eat. I had a really clean house and a really nice ass. Oh to go back to those good ol' days.

Didn't weigh in this morning. Might not all week if its the week that I think it is. I lose track, I'm fixed...I don't worry about that shit.
 
yea....we didn't go shopping yesterday. It was raining and blowing too hard and no sense in spending a crap ton of money to just get everything ruined before it even gets home. So, have to do that today IF it stops raining and blowing. This is the downfall of having a really cool pick up. I mean super cool. It only has like 10 rust spots on it and the bumper is almost all the way on.

The BF's gym shoes are here, and his new not embarrassing gym shorts. Now he has to go to the gym with me. SQUEEEE!!!

Did okay on calories yesterday. Until like midnight when the BF brought chips to the bedroom to eat while watching TV. I ate chips. Then I woke up with a massive pre-menstrual headache at 0700. Did not get out of bed till 1030. I will make it to the gym today but not right away.

I also got an email back from a company looking for an assistant manager. I applied for the job to satisfy unemployment requirements thinking I wouldn't even get a pity interview...maybe its a pity interview...IDK...I feel underqualified for the job even though I have the qualifications. I still feel like I don't want to work right away though so I'll have to see if a start date of July would work for them. I'm really wanting time to work on myself, lose weight, spend time at home which I don't get to do often. I mean, my last job I was working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week NOT JOKING, it was killing me and my boyfriend hated it and I was miserable and fatigued and going a little bit crazy. I need to collect my mental facilities for sure and get my life back on track.

Anyways, off to read diaries. Some of them are effin LONG. I read the first couple of pages, and then the last couple of pages, and if its all inspiring enough I'll read the whole damn thing. It breaks up the monotony of twiddling my thumbs all day.
 
I'm only on page 20 or so of YOURS Cate, its one of those that I want to read start to finish. Its more of an epic then a thread. It should be published.
 
You write well and I like your attitude!

You'll find the approach that makes this time different. It won't be without struggle and misstep, but you'll get there. Just stick around no matter how it's going and you will find your way. At one point I was nearly identical in weight to Vee and now I weigh 90 pounds more than him, but not long ago it was 100 and before too long it will be 70. What I mean is that I found my path just like Vee, Cate, and others. Stick around and you'll find your's too. It doesn't even matter if you believe that right now. Just stay and you'll get there.
 
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