Half of Me:The Story of Fat Girl Slim

ali.smedley said:
Thanks guys...it is moving, slowly, but moving...

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:( I'm sorry you've had such a rough couple of days. I hope your rant made you feel a little better, anyway. It always helps me to bitch about things briefly. lol

ali.smedley said:
I overate this weekend, ordinarily it would not be the end of the world but I scared myself a little, it was like I went back to all of the old habits of my prior fattyhood...I feel like all of this fighting I am doing is for nothing, like what is the point? When push comes to shove, I just revert back to the habits of yesterday and all this working out I am doing is just staving off the inevitable.
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It's not you. It's everyone. No one is perfect, Ali, you know that. At some point everyone regresses a little. On a local radio station, we have a weekly visit from a fitness trainer/physical therapist. This guy is super healthy, super buff, etc. One day he admitted that once every couple of weeks he has a "I don't care day." He'll eat greasy, fast food burgers, fries, etc. (I'm not sure how he does it without getting sick since he eats very healthy the rest of the time.) I'm not saying this is okay to do - I bring it up only for demonstration purposes. I was literally shocked that this healthy, strong, muscular, health professional would do something like that. No one is immune, Al. Not him, not me, not you. We both know it is always easier to do what is easy than what is hard. It's easy not to care what you put in your mouth - it's not so easy trying to keep the wrong shit out of it.

You are not fighting for nothing. You are fighting for your health and for your life, darlin. You have come such a long way. You are in a place that I haven't even begun to wrap my mind around yet. I can't yet imagine being where you are. I look at your progress and think to myself - damn, I really can do it.

ali.smedley said:
I got two new pair of jeans this weekend at Goodwill, size 12 and 13 and I couldn't even be happy about it b/c while they fit around my waist, my wreck of a stomach is hanging out all over the place and making them fit funny. When I sit everything squishes up and looks like I have a literal spare tire around my middle...I cannot go the rest of my life only looking good standing up.
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We are our own worst critic. You judge your appearance far more critically than anyone around you does. While you are focusing on your [insert body part] (which probably is not near as bad as it seems to look to you) another person may look at you and think, "Man, her [insert body part] looks great! I wish mine looked that good!" Yes, there are people out there that admire you, even on the days when you do not admire yourself.

Excess skin? You're not alone on that one, either. Every single one of us that has a bunch of weight to lose will have to deal with excess skin. It's inevitable. And, while it takes some time, some of that excess skin will shrink. Not all of it, but maybe more than you think.

ali.smedley said:
I am tired and frustrated and yes, I know I have had success, but I am just so over all of this today. I want to eat badly which is hard to fight and I have just had enough. I couldn't work out this morning b/c I picked up a lovely head cold this weekend and am enough out of it to know that working out would have not been productive.
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This cold could be some of your problem. We all tend to let ourselves go a bit when we don't feel well. Remember the recent weekend when you felt invincible . . . comfortable with being you . . . sexy, even? You are the same person now that you were then. Your perception is just a little skewed from head cold, fatigue, etc. Get lots of fluids. Rest. Eat low-sodium chicken noodle soup. Rest some more. Stay away from annoying paralegals (present company excepted, of course! :D) and dead beat daddies and take care of you. When your body feels better after kicking the cold, your mind will follow suit. Just hang on until then.
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about2loseit said:
:( I'm sorry you've had such a rough couple of days. I hope your rant made you feel a little better, anyway. It always helps me to bitch about things briefly. lol
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That it does...I still don't feel all the way better and I still want to eat like hell. I am just aggravated b/c even though I have a success, it is tempered by the disaster below the belt. It is one of those things you need to see to believe, but trust me, it does not help how I feel some days...


about2loseit said:
It's not you. It's everyone. No one is perfect, Ali, you know that. At some point everyone regresses a little. On a local radio station, we have a weekly visit from a fitness trainer/physical therapist. This guy is super healthy, super buff, etc. One day he admitted that once every couple of weeks he has a "I don't care day." He'll eat greasy, fast food burgers, fries, etc. (I'm not sure how he does it without getting sick since he eats very healthy the rest of the time.) I'm not saying this is okay to do - I bring it up only for demonstration purposes. I was literally shocked that this healthy, strong, muscular, health professional would do something like that. No one is immune, Al. Not him, not me, not you. We both know it is always easier to do what is easy than what is hard. It's easy not to care what you put in your mouth - it's not so easy trying to keep the wrong shit out of it.
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Tell me about it. I just get aggravated when I eat like crap b/c I know it is no good for me and I just end up feeling disgusting for days. I worked my rear off all week and in one day managed to ditch all those good feelings for some buttercream frosting. How stupid can I be? Really?

about2loseit said:
You are not fighting for nothing. You are fighting for your health and for your life, darlin. You have come such a long way. You are in a place that I haven't even begun to wrap my mind around yet. I can't yet imagine being where you are. I look at your progress and think to myself - damn, I really can do it.
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Dang Angela, that is just crazy...thanks for the perspective.

about2loseit said:
We are our own worst critic. You judge your appearance far more critically than anyone around you does. While you are focusing on your [insert body part] (which probably is not near as bad as it seems to look to you) another person may look at you and think, "Man, her [insert body part] looks great! I wish mine looked that good!" Yes, there are people out there that admire you, even on the days when you do not admire yourself.

Excess skin? You're not alone on that one, either. Every single one of us that has a bunch of weight to lose will have to deal with excess skin. It's inevitable. And, while it takes some time, some of that excess skin will shrink. Not all of it, but maybe more than you think.
Click to expand...

I guess I am just dealing w/anger at what I allowed myself to become and I am angry that I have to deal with it. I realized that I was given one body and I treated it like a piece of garbage for the better part of my life and now, even if I do everything I am supposed to, it will never be the way it was. I guess it is regret in a way, you know? I want to look better NOW - not in a year, not in two...I have to get used to the fact that it is still a journey and it isn't over, not that it ever will be.

The cold probably has something to do with it but I was feeling like this all weekend...I have a mess of things going on right now which is making it that much harder to do what I have to do to take care of me. But I guess that is life.
 
So I just looked at myself in the bathroom mirror...if I were to post a pic of me, I would probably get beaten for the things I have been saying, but all I can see is my bloated stomach and ill-fitting pants...what is wrong w/me?
 
ali.smedley said:
That it does...I still don't feel all the way better and I still want to eat like hell. I am just aggravated b/c even though I have a success, it is tempered by the disaster below the belt. It is one of those things you need to see to believe, but trust me, it does not help how I feel some days...
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I can relate, hun. Really. One day I might feel great, beautiful, successful, like I can go the distance . . . then one look in the mirror can absolutely destroy that. I need to remember this just as much as you do: No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. That is true even when you are the person making you feel inferior.


ali.smedley said:
Tell me about it. I just get aggravated when I eat like crap b/c I know it is no good for me and I just end up feeling disgusting for days. I worked my rear off all week and in one day managed to ditch all those good feelings for some buttercream frosting. How stupid can I be? Really?
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Been there, too . . . my downfall this weekend past was cc cookies. I did it. Then I hated myself for it. In any event, it's over. I can't undo it. You can't undo it. We'll just chalk it up to another lesson learned and move on. Next time you are in the mood to indulge in what you know is a trigger food (icing for you, cookies for me, whatever) remember how disgusted you feel right now and remind yourself that you are stronger than a little container of icing (or a cookie.)


ali.smedley said:
I guess I am just dealing w/anger at what I allowed myself to become and I am angry that I have to deal with it. I realized that I was given one body and I treated it like a piece of garbage for the better part of my life and now, even if I do everything I am supposed to, it will never be the way it was. I guess it is regret in a way, you know? I want to look better NOW - not in a year, not in two...I have to get used to the fact that it is still a journey and it isn't over, not that it ever will be.
Click to expand...

We can't undo the past. I can not tell you how many times over the last year I have berated myself for what I allowed to happen to my body. I didn't care. Now I do. That's a hard reality to face. I'm not sure if this will help any, but I'll say it anyway: It's all a matter of perspective. When you were overweight, everyone knew you were overweight. They could see it. The evidence was there. You want to look great now - not one or two years down the road. Trust me - I can relate. What you don't allow yourself to realize, though, is you do look good now. You are not a big girl. When we look at you, we see a slimmer, healthier, pretty woman. You are the only one that can see what is left over - and it will get better in time. Back before you started this journey - if you saw a woman that looked like you do right now, looked as good as you do now in clothes, what would you have thought? Perhaps - "I'd kill to be her size" or "I'd love to look like her." Guess what? You are her.

ali.smedley said:
The cold probably has something to do with it but I was feeling like this all weekend...I have a mess of things going on right now which is making it that much harder to do what I have to do to take care of me. But I guess that is life.
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Life and the things we have to deal with are hard. Sometimes harder than at other times. But, we both know there is always something. Ya get one thing resolved, something else crops up. I am in no way belittling anything you are dealing with right now, mind you. I'm just saying you need to be sure to take care of you - no one else is going to. :) When you feel better, the problems you face don't seem so impossible to overcome.
 
about2loseit said:
I can relate, hun. Really. One day I might feel great, beautiful, successful, like I can go the distance . . . then one look in the mirror can absolutely destroy that. I need to remember this just as much as you do: No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. That is true even when you are the person making you feel inferior.




Been there, too . . . my downfall this weekend past was cc cookies. I did it. Then I hated myself for it. In any event, it's over. I can't undo it. You can't undo it. We'll just chalk it up to another lesson learned and move on. Next time you are in the mood to indulge in what you know is a trigger food (icing for you, cookies for me, whatever) remember how disgusted you feel right now and remind yourself that you are stronger than a little container of icing (or a cookie.)




We can't undo the past. I can not tell you how many times over the last year I have berated myself for what I allowed to happen to my body. I didn't care. Now I do. That's a hard reality to face. I'm not sure if this will help any, but I'll say it anyway: It's all a matter of perspective. When you were overweight, everyone knew you were overweight. They could see it. The evidence was there. You want to look great now - not one or two years down the road. Trust me - I can relate. What you don't allow yourself to realize, though, is you do look good now. You are not a big girl. When we look at you, we see a slimmer, healthier, pretty woman. You are the only one that can see what is left over - and it will get better in time. Back before you started this journey - if you saw a woman that looked like you do right now, looked as good as you do now in clothes, what would you have thought? Perhaps - "I'd kill to be her size" or "I'd love to look like her." Guess what? You are her.



Life and the things we have to deal with are hard. Sometimes harder than at other times. But, we both know there is always something. Ya get one thing resolved, something else crops up. I am in no way belittling anything you are dealing with right now, mind you. I'm just saying you need to be sure to take care of you - no one else is going to. :) When you feel better, the problems you face don't seem so impossible to overcome.
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Thanks sweete :) I hope if you ever need it, I can return the favor.
 
Hi Ali. I had a rough weekend too. Didn't eat smart and haven't been exercising like I should have...I'm terrified to get on that scale too. Really scared! But just pick yourself up, dust off and chug along. That's what I'm going to do. Being sick really stinks. I'm afraid I'll stop exercising and fall out of my new healthy lifestyle...I totally hear you. But a few bad days aren't going to screw things up...just look at all you've done. You are amazing. And you are constantly getting more amazing!
 
I still feel kinda crappy about myself but you guys really helped put it in perspective for me.

I just have a lot of crap on my plate right now and I have to figure out how to deal with it all and stay on track.
 
ali.smedley said:
I still feel kinda crappy about myself but you guys really helped put it in perspective for me.

I just have a lot of crap on my plate right now and I have to figure out how to deal with it all and stay on track.
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I do not really have time to go into it Ali but what Angela said is 100% correct.
You have done so much good that it cannot be overturned by one day or even one week of overeating. You have done great and you know it.
I know what you mean about scaring yourself with old habits. I did that earlier this month. I ate like I used to for one day- scared the hell out of me. I thought those days were gone- they are not. I just need to learn to handle them better.
You are doing great for yourself and your family. You will overcome this and you will do great.
Chin up sweetie- all is good.:D
 
Ali, listen to these guys. They are right. Im so sorry you are having this hard time. I wish you didnt have to deal with it. You are strong and I know you can pull through this. You are a beautiful woman that has done an incredible thing. Dont give up now. YOu are so close to the finish line. When you feel the urge to eat, workout instead. Refocus those old habits. Dont give up.
 
Hey Ali.

God, sometimes I hate Mondays too... Lately it's been quite a bit, lol. Sorry you've had a rough couple days. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes this weight loss journey we're all on has some hi-hi's and some low low's. You just need to remember all the amazing progress you've made and how if you keep working hard like you are that anything and everything is possible :)
I know it's hard to keep that all in perspective all the time, it's easy to let the negative thoughts get in sometimes. I'm just like you. I have amazing days where I feel the best I've ever felt, then I feel like some days i get knocked back down to where I "should" be...

I'm just here to be a pal and be there for ya :D

PS. My friend who is losing weight right now from GB is losing it pretty rapidly so far (already 40lbs in less than 3 weeks) and she is freaking out about her skin already. I just keep reminding her that many, many people struggle with it and that you can't really control it. It is something that happens and can be dealt with if necessary after she has lost her weight and seen how much her skin bounces back. I just try to remind her not to stress herself out too bad about something she can't really control anyways, and neither should you;)

Take Care,
-Sam
 
Coffeebro said:
How was your workout this morning? Are you staying with the stairs? Increase time at all?
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Oh...you are going to be so upset w/me...

I didn't go this morning, I still felt pretty crappy. I am going to try to go tonight.

Staying w/the stairs, I did 25 mins on Sat. I was pretty happy with that :)
 
PHEW!!!

I have spent all morning in everyone else's threads but my own...time to update...

I had a crappy weekend eating wise and I brillantly carried it over to Monday. On top of that, I have had some sort of ridiculous head cold which has made it next to impossible to get up in the mornings to go to the gym.

Monday - woke up, felt like my head was filled with bricks, went back to sleep.

Tuesday - lather, rinse, repeat

Wednesday - more of the same.

I went to the gym last night and managed to get in 30 mins on the stair machine, started at level 5 and got all the way up to level 13 (which is about 15 floors a minute). That seemed to be my max and took everything I had left in me. Then I did 15 minutes on the elliptical. I felt a little less crappy after doing that and some of that nasty weight uptick went back down this morning so I feel better about that as well.

I am going to try to go to the gym again tonight and do the same thing. I am getting my eating back on track and my attitude is a little better.

Now that we got Matthew's birthday out of the way (;)) we can concentrate on mine ~ I have set two goals for myself. The first is to be at 172 (hs graduation weight) and to be able to squat 100 pounds. I am somewhere b/t 182-179 weight wise and can currently squat 85 pounds. My birthday is June 17th so I don't think that those things are totally out of my reach.

Now that I have made it public I guess I am accountable now so here I go....
 
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