Half of Me:The Story of Fat Girl Slim

Boy today is turning into a pretty little bitch-fest. Maybe it has to do with the gloom and doom weather outside.

There is a chocolate chip poundcake and donuts in my office today...this has got to be some cruel joke, I am at the low point of my confidence and ability to resist and that crap shows up???

I guess I am going to have to hide in my office with the door closed...
 
I have to get back on track and try to be stricter with myself.
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that sometimes can cause more problems long term... findning the happy medium between indulging and over indulging - ya know that moderation thing -is the trick... too much restriction leads to binging for the majority of people..
So just be gentle on yourself - you're on the right pathand you will get to where you want to be..
 
maleficent said:
that sometimes can cause more problems long term... findning the happy medium between indulging and over indulging - ya know that moderation thing -is the trick... too much restriction leads to binging for the majority of people..
So just be gentle on yourself - you're on the right pathand you will get to where you want to be..
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Thanks...it is just so frustrating...I know what I need to do and I was doing really well with small indulgences and then over the weekend, it was as if I forgot what I was doing...in my head I know not to eat something but it seems like my hands were moving of their own accord.

Sounds like a cop out but it isn't, I am just trying to describe what the behavior is like. So frustrating and self-feeding. I know what to do to succeed and do the opposite. I just need to cut it off because I don't want to start a trend in the wrong direction.
 
i totally feel your pain...

Just take it moment by moment.. and if you want that indulgence.. ask yourself how you'll feel in 20 minutes.. and it you think you'll be ok -then enjoy it... or ziplock snack size baggies.. and portion out those treats... once the bag is empty - you're done..
 
ali.smedley said:
Damn it.

How much damage did I do???

Probably not as much as I think...but emotionally it f'ing sucks...
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I totally understand this!

I am bad about beating myself up over eating/exercise mistakes. It's like the smart, logical part of me knows that in the long run a small slip up won't really matter, but the emotional part of me is sooooooo disappointed in myself. I have a hard time letting it go.

We deserve a little indulgence every now and then, like Mal says!

Keep moving on... I know you will succeed!

:)
 
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Thanks guys for helping put it in perspective, it isn't like I will never have the opportunity to have these things again, I just get angry that I let myself go to a point where I have to make those choices.

I can't have it all (even though I want to!). I have to stop beating myself up, in the long run a few extra calories won't kill me ~ I know that.

I have a salad for lunch...that should make me feel better (let's hope so!)
 
Hey Ali.

I hear you on beating yourself up about things. Everybody is probably guilty of it. I'm really bad in the moment but, within a day, at the most I have usually moved on and forgotten about it.

Eating a salad usually makes me feel better about things too.

Take it easy,
Sam:)
 
Where you been at lady? :) You just posted in my diary, so I thought I'd swing by and say "hi". How's your hunger level? I hope things have mellowed out a little for you, on both the food/hunger front and the work front. You sounded very busy last week.

That's crazy you like that ice cream too. I saw it at the store and was like "I'm in!!!!" lmao...

Take care,
Sam
 
I had a night like that yesterday, a nice date with cadbury mini eggs. It's rough sometimes. Sometimes it feels like oh well, what's the point now. But you've made a lot of great progress so don't beat yourself up because of a few days! You've done great so far!
 
LowFatMilk said:
I had a night like that yesterday, a nice date with cadbury mini eggs. It's rough sometimes. Sometimes it feels like oh well, what's the point now. But you've made a lot of great progress so don't beat yourself up because of a few days! You've done great so far!
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Thanks! I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee cadbury mini eggs...there are some hidden in this house somewhere...

You know, I see how far I have come and then I get angry b/c I look at the parts of me that are still fat and/or flabby and it upsets me. I also have this grazing problem that I can't seem to get under control. I am not a big calorie counter, I estimate and have been staying around 1800...my weight hasn't changed in probably three weeks so if that stays the same I am going to have to see what I am doing wrong (if anything).

I think part of it is just wanting it to be over with already...I have lost this weight so slowly and some days it seems like I will never get to my goal :)

Where you been at lady? You just posted in my diary, so I thought I'd swing by and say "hi". How's your hunger level? I hope things have mellowed out a little for you, on both the food/hunger front and the work front. You sounded very busy last week.

That's crazy you like that ice cream too. I saw it at the store and was like "I'm in!!!!" lmao...

Take care,
Sam
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Hey Sam,

I have been dealing with this eating issue for a few days and not wanting to go through the exercise of posting about it when that is exactly what I should be doing. I started eating a much larger breakfast than normal to see if that did anything and this is the 3rd day I have done that. It worked better today than any other day but by the time I got home, I was pretty hungry so I started picking while I was getting Abby's dinner ready...that is my downfall b/c I eat a little of this and a little of that and I can never remember what I ate...grrr...

Anyway, the breakfast I used to eat was a yogurt (80cals) and a piece of wasa w/laughing cow (65cal). Now to that I am adding an apple w/peanut butter (160cal). It helps but I am still pretty grumbly.

So it goes...I am trying to maintain a positive outlook, I just get frustrated sometimes. Thanks for checking in on me :D
 
As far as grazing.. I used to have that problem and once in a while do.. Now I graze on oranges and strawberries if I am hungry, but mindless I dont do so much anymore

the food addict book actually I had to change my behavior, so adjusted to grazing, always having done it I needed to become aware of what I was doing. And stop it. It takes a lot of thought and will power, but you can do it Ali. I am doing it, you can do it too ..

What I do is when I have food in front of me .. I start thinking of my waist line and what I would look like if I grazed all day and that totally turns me off from eating it... grazing can be harmful to your body in a way, because your not able to lose those unwanted pounds you want to shed. So I think of that...and I think if I am hungry or not. I ask my questions like this all the time and quickly shove the food away. I also flip the refridgerator door closed when I know I am looking for something mindlessly .. its all about behvoir modification and will power ..

I hope this helps a little ..or gives you some insight on how to stop grazing

ttylater
always
natalie jo :cheers2:
 
nataliejo said:
As far as grazing.. I used to have that problem and once in a while do.. Now I graze on oranges and strawberries if I am hungry, but mindless I dont do so much anymore

the food addict book actually I had to change my behavior, so adjusted to grazing, always having done it I needed to become aware of what I was doing. And stop it. It takes a lot of thought and will power, but you can do it Ali. I am doing it, you can do it too ..

What I do is when I have food in front of me .. I start thinking of my waist line and what I would look like if I grazed all day and that totally turns me off from eating it... grazing can be harmful to your body in a way, because your not able to lose those unwanted pounds you want to shed. So I think of that...and I think if I am hungry or not. I ask my questions like this all the time and quickly shove the food away. I also flip the refridgerator door closed when I know I am looking for something mindlessly .. its all about behvoir modification and will power ..

I hope this helps a little ..or gives you some insight on how to stop grazing

ttylater
always
natalie jo :cheers2:
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natalie jo - thanks so much for your help and caring...i really appreciate it. that is very good advice, sometimes i just need to slow down and think about what i am doing.

now, that is the hard part...but i just have to work on it :)
 
Glad to be of help.. You can do this hun! Look how far you have come so far...

Anyway just wondering how you were?

ttylater
always
natalie jo :cheers2:
 
nataliejo said:
Glad to be of help.. You can do this hun! Look how far you have come so far...

Anyway just wondering how you were?

ttylater
always
natalie jo :cheers2:
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Thanks natalie jo...as always, I appreciate it.

_______________________

So I know I haven't really posted in a while, sometimes I read everyone else's diaries and they are so interesting, I don't feel like I have anything to add, my life is fairly mundane :)

That being said, it is my diary and if no one reads it, well it is still mine. I have been struggling for the past week with eating and how I feel about myself which has made for a hard week.

My weight got down to a low of 187 and then fluctuated back up to 191. Some people here know that I do not make it a practice to weigh myself because I DO NOT want to be a slave to the scale, I have been relying more on my appearance and how I feel as a rule. It is just a number. Except it is a number that has ruled my life for such a long time.

Well...I have been feeling bloated and just gross for some time now, my upper stomach has just been sticking out and looking so unpleasant, it has been a real confidence killer for me. I have been wondering if my cals are off and if that could be causing some sort of a delay in the process.

It has taken me so long to lose the weight I have lost already and I am probably facing another year when you take into consideration the TT and BL i am going to need once I get to my goal. It seems like such a long time but I will live that period of time whether or not I choose to do something about myself.

The other thing that has been bothering me is my clothing. Most of my clothes are in various states of not fitting me and so I tend to look heavier than I actually am. That is a blow to my confidence some days.

Lastly, I have been hungry a lot lately. I am not a person to feel hunger pangs a lot and lately it feels like I am hungry all the time, even right after eating. It make me wonder if my cals are too low and the thought of increasing what I eat freaks me out even though I know that in the end, it could be the healthier thing to do.

So I am just trying to deal with all of this along with work being a total killer - I have worked 12 hour days for what feels like the past month with no end in sight. So I am tired and my confidence is shot and that is a bad recipe to have brewing in the background. I have managed to stay 'on the wagon' but I know that the possibility is there waiting in the wings.

I want to be more than the person I used to be. I am better, stronger than that. What I am finding is that person lurks around and may never leave. I think it is a part of 'thinking fat', which I really believe is a true phenomenom. It most likely is related to my lack of self-confidence, which no matter how much weight I lose, still seems to be sitting in the gutter.

On the bright side, my gym partner has managed to make it back to the gym with me so it has been good to have him there. That may change again, but I will enjoy the time I have with him.

I am trying, I really am. For every low I have, I know there is a high somewhere out there waiting for me. Part of this is the journey to find (and keep) those highs.
 
Ok I did measurements last week and updated them last night and there was a change :) WAHOO!

I didn't expect but was happy to see it. It tells me that even when I think I am falling flat on my face, if I keep doing what I am doing, I will continue to succeed.

(and I know, a certain someone is out there saying, I TOLD YOU SO!, point duly noted :D)

On another note, I think it should be SOP that I be allowed to have a gun at my desk...maybe people would think twice about bothering me w/STUPID SHIT.
 
i really think tazers should be allowed to be carried and used on people who are just dumb... :D

Imagine that - consistency is getting results? Wow - who the hell knew? :D
 
Ooooooooo...I like the idea of a taser...it is SO much more personal.

Imagine that - consistency is getting results? Wow - who the hell knew?
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Tell me about it...you understand though, sometimes you can see the change happening and sometimes not...for me, during the not times it is easier to convince myself I am screwing up. I think I am just going to forget that and realize that it is a forward progression regardless. :D
 
Amendment to the gun rule - I think I should also be allowed to shoot every moron who doesn't do what a freaking court order tells them to do...I would have more free time than I would know what to do with...

I feel like I need to work out again today, I woke up at 530 and was supposed to be at the gym at 545...I live 8 minutes away - EEK. I somehow managed to get dressed and out the door in 10 minutes and was only a little bit late, tg. However, I spent my workout feeling like my legs and feet were dipped in concrete...maybe I will do something when I get home, I'll have to see how much work I have...
 
Wait....you need to follow court orders?? Damn.....

If it were me I wouldnt work out after work. You worked out in the morning and there is a reason you were wiped.
You still worked out, you just did not get the best from it. Take the evening off- you are a busy woman- and go tomorrow if that is your routine.
 
Congrats on your measurements Ali. They are really the standard to go by, imo. I just had mine taken on Tues. and I lost a few, so I was pretty happy. Even though my weight isn't really changing, and my BF still says its the same, I am losing inches all over the place. It's going to be really interesting to see what this looks like as I get closer to my goal... :)

Take it easy on yourself. If I got up that early and worked out I would probably be dead tired by the time i got home from work. Hope you have a nice evening.

Take Care,
Sam
 
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