This post will contain a positive/neutral part and a triggering part that has to do with my bigger picture and life journey. As always, I'll put a content warning before the rough stuff. I have therapy on Friday, so that's why the poison floats to the surface so to speak.
Happy news first: woke up tired and with cramps, but in a good mood. I have noticed that doing deadlifts with heavy weights sometimes gives me cramps the next day - they feel a lot like menstrual cramps. Should not be an issue about form, I think that I'm just probably utilizing muscles that have been left on their own for quite some time and that's why they act up the next day. I haven't eaten yet but I have two liters of soup/stew in the oven. Recipe:
Chop a shallot and a silver onion into slices, sautee in oil with salt, add two cloves of garlic. Cut a pack of bacon into thin strips and stir in, add spices (I used my fall time favorite of nutmeg, white pepper, cinnamon, star anice and bay leaves) and 3-4 dl of roughly chopped cabbage. After cooking the cabbage down on high heat for a bit to make room in the pot, add in 200g of cherry tomatoes and a couple of spoonfuls of concentrated tomato paste and a splash of soy sauce. Next, add in two cans of well rinsed beans and 1,5 dl of dry soy mince. Stir everything in and fill the pot with hot water. Put in the oven, 200 degrees for 1-2 hours.
I plan to eat this with different carbs over the next days so there's some variety to the soup. I also like the philosophy of flexibility in this dish - it's mostly plant based protein, but the bacon gives it some extra oomph, and on the other hand the plant based proteins balance out the saturated fats and processed nature of the bacon.
Now for the triggering part. Proceed with caution.
TW/CW shitty parents, homophobia, sexual and emotional abuse, et cetera
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Something clicked yesterday, and I feel angry.
I started dating in high school. The guy was a high school dropout I had a common friend with and I just kind of drifted into that relationship because I needed to get out of home and needed to be loved. It went horribly south, some of the traumas I have from that relationship will never heal, but that's just the way it is. He is filth and I'm sure he'll make his own life a living hell, if he's not dead already.
But this isn't about him, this is about my parents.
When I was 15, I fell for a girl. Hard. It was super cringey puppy love, she was just a year older than me but way less sheltered and I was an autistic, closeted trans egg (fun fact: the term "egg" is used by trans people about trans people who have not yet come to the self realization, which is referred to as "egg cracking", and I think it's cute and accurate). I filled my diaries about my feelings about her and talked to my friends online about her; and of course my parents read my diaries and emails because I had no privacy. They confronted me and told me I'll ruin my life and didn't talk to me in two weeks. They literally didn't talk to me at all. I wasn't even allowed in the same table.
Well, when I started to date that guy in high school my parents knew he was dangerous. They saw bruises and they saw how broken I was. But they could not let the opportunity to make me straight pass by, so they asked the guy to LIVE IN THEIR HOME so they could both keep me in their control and "protect" me from this sadistic predator. For the life of me I can't understand what kind of a parent would have their child go through emotional and physical torture rather than just let them be queer.
It's not an exaggeration to say that my parents wanted me dead rather than gay. It's quite something.
Classic cars do need a bit of extra care but they're much cooler than new car number 4726490.
whole-heartedly.