Floater's diary

Floater said:
I'm having lower back cramps that radiate to my thighs and stomach
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Strange, usually the stomach radiates out to the back rather than the other way around. But whatever is happening I hope it´ll be over when you wake up in the morning.
 
LaMaria said:
Strange, usually the stomach radiates out to the back rather than the other way around. But whatever is happening I hope it´ll be over when you wake up in the morning.
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Yeah, to be fair it's really hard to tell which way the pain is "flowing". I managed to eat potatoes with marg and it maybe helped a little, as the pain now mostly feels in and around my lower back.
 
I slept poorly, but I'm no longer in pain! Yay! Making tuna, bean and veg sauce in the oven and I'll have it with different carbs on the side over my next meals, I think I'll start with pasta.
 
I had oatmeal with PB and maple syrup and sugared coffee as a snack, and am now having congee with green peas, bean sprouts, shiitake, oil and mushroom soy sauce. I should really clean up but I feel really tired and a bit dizzy despite having taken my ADHD meds. But at least I have cleaned up the kitchen and planted cuttings that have been sitting on my table in a glass of water for almost two months lol. Maybe I could start by cleaning up the bathroom and doing laundry today, and saving washing the floors for tomorrow?
 
Dinner today was spring rolls with veggie and egg filling and a chili oil dip, and a bowl of miso with the leftover veggies. Very happy with today's meals. I have leftover tuna sauce as well as pea congee in the fridge, will probably need something carb-heavy before bedtime. Maybe noodles?

I will try super hard to get my butt to the gym tomorrow (if I'm feeling healthy, of course). I did manage to take the trash out and cleaning the bathroom is still on the agenda, but we'll see how much energy I have left for tonight.
 
Probably too late for this to be useful but still: just do the thing that feels the least daunting while still being useful. Like Elsa says: do the next right thing 🎶
 
LaMaria said:
Probably too late for this to be useful but still: just do the thing that feels the least daunting while still being useful. Like Elsa says: do the next right thing 🎶
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To be honest, this made me feel better because I had a lot of (non smelly) trash like cardboard and such to take out, and now that the clutter is all gone, it's much easier to get cleaning even if I won't get started with that until tomorrow. And having food prepped in the fridge is going to save me a lot of time tomorrow. Thanks!

I'm eagerly waiting for Friday; I have therapy then, and will pay my bills and rent, I have a grocery delivery coming, and I think that on my way back from therapy I might go buy missing ingredients for Vietnamese beef stew: https://mykitchenoflove.wordpress.com/2013/08/13/vietnamese-beef-stew-in-red-wine-sauce-bo-sot-vang/ it looks like a perfect dish for a crisp autumn evening. I already have most of the spices and veg needed at home (or will as soon as the grocery delivery arrives), so I'll pretty much only need to get fresh ginger, the wine, and the meat. We'll see!
 
LaMaria said:
Like Elsa says: do the next right thing 🎶
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Anna, not Elsa. I hate that my brain will suddenly abandon whatever I'm doing an hour after I post something just to wonder if I did a booboo and not leave me alone until I check even if it's completely inconsequential, but there ya go.

That stew sounds delicious though!
 
@LaMaria I know the feeling. And how even if the oopsie is inconsequential and everyone gets the sentiment anyway, I get always so god damn embarassed. 😅

I just came back from a long walk with Nera. We visited a different section of the fields this time. It was dark and foggy, and there were other dogs barking somewhere in the distance, but fog/mist always distorts sounds and everything sounds as if it were closer than it really is! A real Baskerville moment! Nera also almost caught a small rodent - probably a vole as it had a short tail - as it crossed the pavement right in front of us, I'm glad she stopped at my command. I have also seen mice and rats during our nightly walks, but they tend to be less daring (or less panicky/dumb) and keep their distance.

I had a nice hot shower because it will save me time and spoons in the morning. All in all, today was a good day.
 
LaMaria said:
I hate sound of dogs barking in the distance and fog would make it worse!
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I love things that are a bit creepy, but not really dangerous. :D :D I think it's because of my ADHD brain always struggles to focus, so being on my toes is one of the times when I'm really experiencing my life instead of just watching it flow idly past me. Of course I don't like to be really in danger or anxious, but I believe my love of all things creepy has something to do with my brain chemistry.

Breakfast today was congee with peas, nutritional yeast, a fried egg, bean sprouts, and raw shiitake. I don't know why but this combination is so good I just never get tired of it. I have to make it a habit to keep the ingredients available whenever I can! I also wiped the floors with a static cloth, and I will try my hardest to wash them today.

The weather outside is lovely, it's very sunny and the trees are starting to turn yellow.
 
Sorry, ranting a bit:
.

This is so weird. I feel extremely depressed and I hate every inch of my body. But I'm also way too exhausted to do anything about it, or to go to the gym. I can't bear the thought of seeing happy, fit, normal, focused, healthy people when I'm a disgusting lump of flesh and not even something as basic as my gender is right.
 
I just had a big plate of tuna and veg sauce, the rest of the cheese I had, and pasta. I feel a tiny bit better now, but so so tired. (I'm almost glad that i don't have any money, because I feel so overwhelmed that I would probably rush to the liquor store just to get the thoughts to stop if I had any money to waste on alcohol). I try to remind myself that as I have therapy on Friday, it's normal that these last few days before it are as fun as pulling teeth because my subconscious is starting to push stuff to the surface.

Maybe I should try to reverse these thoughts: it's only going to be what little is left of today, and then Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday that I'm going to feel bad, but as long as I make it to Friday, I can dump these emotions out in therapy and then it will get much better after.

I might make more spring rolls today, I fried and marinated some tempeh earlier today, that should do great as filling with veggies.
 
Obligatory reminder that half the people at the gym (or more) are there because they're either in pain or unhappy with their bodies.
 
This might be a sleepless night. But I'm having tempeh+cabbage+carrot spring rolls with a peanut butter dip and miso broth with veggies.
 
I hope you get some sleep. Try to imagine yourself as being in that body that you want to be. You are a survivor & you are strong. Your body has helped get you to this stage in your life. Life will get better & that is because you are really working towards it :grouphug:
 
Thank you @Cate <3
 
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