Fit Bunny 2k21

I’ve been feeling a bit lost. I have not lived up to the standards I created for myself. I have the feeling there is something deeper to life I haven’t tapped into. I’m not religious, nor spiritual. I don’t believe in chakras or rocks. But I wish did. I’ve been having bad dreams and losing sleep lately related to things I’ve been anxious about. I want to meditate. I want to do yoga. I want to be someone who is high on zen all the time. I don’t know how some people discover this spiritual awakening where they gain wisdom and peace. Instead, I can get quite angry and I can hold on to it for a long time. I’m really just tired.
If there's one thing I can say for certain about spirituality and religion, it's that tapping into the "something deeper" and the confidence and peace of mind this can bring a person isn't something that can be bought or willed into existence. If anything, this approach will only make us more miserable. The sacred and deep is already here in our everyday existence. Trying out different spiritual paths isn't like booking a trip and taking it, it's about taking a step aside our everyday existence and then looking at that existence from a slightly different angle, so that when we get back to the normal, we have gained a slightly different perspective. Also, no matter what kind of a black belt saint is in question, no one is able to ride the spiritual high 24/7. If they claim they are, they are lying to keep up appearances.

There are a lot of con artists in the spirituality trade, whether in churches or meditation centers or in New Age settings. They know fully well how human it is to seek solutions to life's problems from spirituality. In a way, losing oneself to spiritual pursuits can be very close to an active ED: some people find a coping mechanism in following scriptures to the T or meditating until their brain turns to goo. I had these tendencies when I was younger and more idealistic and then eventually I realized that spirituality is a constant work in progress and I can't plan and map it like a road trip. I would probably have gone off the deep end if I didn't have one foot on the solid ground of sociological/scientific discipline: during my busiest seeking years I was in Uni, studying Theology and Comparative Science of Religion. But I also don't think that the time I spent prowling Buddhist sanghas and reading texts and scientific studies about all this would have gone to waste in any way. The seeking part is important. It allows us to create our own insight about spirituality instead of just parroting what a teacher said.

About the anger part: it's a natural feeling that usually tells us that something is wrong and needs fixing. People, especially girls and women, are conditioned into thinking that anger is a "bad" feeling, almost like poison in a bathtub, spoiling the whole batch of water. But anger is as natural as pain as a warning system: we are either under direct threat, or something in our past is bothering us and left yet unaddressed. Of course, reacting with anger out of proportion is not a good thing, but meditating it away is just pushing it away really. I'm particularly sour at the mindfulness industry for pretty much weaponizing meditation against mental health patients. It's cheap to tell a person living with depression/anxiety that if they only meditated a bit, they would be right as rain. But being able to deal with the sensation of depression/anxiety better, without getting support to change the root causes of depression that usually either deal with our past or something in our current lives that just doesn't support our wellbeing, is a bit like teaching someone to sit on a hot stove without complaining: what happens when the meditation is over and it's time to peel one's burnt ass of the stove? Meditation can teach us to not act out our anger in ways that are harmful, and even to have compassion towards whoever/whatever has angered us, but meditation should not be used as a way to extinguish this perfectly natural and valid feeling.

I'm by no means telling you to not meditate - in fact I highly encourage trying it out. It might be better to start in a group to get a general gist of it. Besides, it's pretty hard to meditate while also looking after a baby, so venturing outside the home might give you a healthy break from the daily grind too. As simple as meditation is, it's incredibly hard to get started alone. Google Buddhist sanghas (basically, congregations) in your area, they usually host free group meditations. If they demand payments, don't go, that's a sign of scammers (although a small fee for a beginner's course can be acceptable, especially if they hand out printed materials to read). They might have a donation box by the door; only give if you really got something out of it. The regular goers fund the rent etc. anyway, don't worry about that. Not all denominations of Buddhism are the same and not all teachers and sanghas are the same either. If you feel uncomfortable, scoot. Meditation should not be power play or a pissing contest and those who use it for that are spiritually lost and frauds!

When it comes to yoga: the Western version of it is deeply capitalistic and materialistic. Nice exercise if you want to get bendy, but spiritually speaking it's total nonsense. I do encourage trying it out too if you want to, and it can help build a better connection to your body which is obviously the locus of any spiritual practice because we inhabit our bodies... But just a reminder: the "proper" spiritual yogis of India were considered super shady ascetic extremists up util 1960s when yoga started to gain traction in the West, and only recently has it been accepted as something for decent normal middle class Hindus in India, because they emulate what's cool in the West. Less than bendy enlightened folks, the old timey yogis were unwashed freaks (saying this with love and appreciation) whose whole yogic routine could consist of, for example, swearing to hold one of their hands pointing up to the sky for the next 10 years and never putting it down.

I really hope I don't come across as snarky. I think it's great that you are feeling the pull to try out things and seek peace of mind. To me, spirituality is close to play; it's about imagination, trying things out and accepting there will be disappointments and failures. Usually these will show themselves in a different light in a couple of years.

What a rant! Sorry :jump:

I hope you are well, take care Bunny!
 
Hi, Bun. Floater's post covered just about everything I could possibly think of. It's excellent! I have spent half my life wondering what I should be doing & should have done & all along what I should have done was realise I was doing pretty well & I have had a good life. I didn't have some higher purpose.
I think there is so much pressure on young people these days to be "perfect". There is no such thing.

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault.

 
About the anger part: it's a natural feeling that usually tells us that something is wrong and needs fixing.
You're right, I think anger is my response to trying to hide that I'm sad or anxious. I don't know why, I hate being pacified so I hide it. It becomes like a toxic "masculinity" trait.

I'm particularly sour at the mindfulness industry for pretty much weaponizing meditation against mental health patients. It's cheap to tell a person living with depression/anxiety that if they only meditated a bit, they would be right as rain. But being able to deal with the sensation of depression/anxiety better, without getting support to change the root causes of depression that usually either deal with our past or something in our current lives that just doesn't support our wellbeing, is a bit like teaching someone to sit on a hot stove without complaining: what happens when the meditation is over and it's time to peel one's burnt ass of the stove?
I seriously never thought of this lol, thank you.

Google Buddhist sanghas (basically, congregations) in your area, they usually host free group meditations.
Omg, I definitely will, this is something new that I never thought about nor have I seen them. They must be hidden.

Meditation should not be power play or a pissing contest and those who use it for that are spiritually lost and frauds!
How would they do this? Who can meditate the longest?

When it comes to yoga: the Western version of it is deeply capitalistic and materialistic. Nice exercise if you want to get bendy, but spiritually speaking it's total nonsense.
I'm agnostic so I don't like shoot things down, I have no idea about opening chakras and other things. But yes, I actually just want to be incredibly flexible and I heard that a peace of mind slowly comes with it.

And no, you didn't come off snarky. I very much enjoyed your response.
 
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Hi, Bun. Floater's post covered just about everything I could possibly think of. It's excellent! I have spent half my life wondering what I should be doing & should have done & all along what I should have done was realise I was doing pretty well & I have had a good life. I didn't have some higher purpose.
I think there is so much pressure on young people these days to be "perfect". There is no such thing.

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault.

Yes, I used to be suicidal and I really did/do feel like I have a good life, I just don't feel good enough for it or there are things that went wrong that were easily in my control.

I used to be a Christian and while that came with a lot of guilt, it felt good to think and feel like I was talking to someone who had my back or could help my destiny. Now it's just blank.

Higher purposes, I don't really believe in, even when I was Christian, I didn't know why the heck any of us were here lol. Thank you for that beautiful quote btw.
 
11/30/21

I exercised!

Food 🥑

  • Avocado, Egg Sandwich
  • Baked Macaroni
  • Protein Bar "One"
  • Vegan Sausage on Whole Grain Hamburger Bun
Today was such a good day, just because I exercised. I didn't drink enough water(24.7oz) so yikes, but I went to the gym and my mom encouraged me to by watching my son for a bit and kicking me out of the house. My gym routine is usually treadmill and 4 machine exercises. A long time ago in the thread, I posted a running plan. I was supposed to run 1 mile(1.6km) and that's it, but I always run a mile at the start of my workout, so I did more exercises.

12 min; 1 mile run
Seated Hip Abductor 3x10
Seated Leg Curls 3x10
Leg Extensions 3x10
Lying Leg Curl 3x10

I think weights were 40-50 lbs(18-22.7kg)


I realized there was a sharp pain while doing the seated leg extensions running from my knee to quads and I'm glad I asked someone who worked there. He told me I was quad dependent and needed to strengthen my hamstrings. Also, my knee caps shift when I'm on them and he said I needed to work on my mobility and to do bulgarian squats. I think this was an effect from pregnancy. I was 100lbs(45.4kg) when I started and gained 60lbs(27.2kg) fast when I was only supposed to gain 30lbs(13.6kg).
 
How would they do this? Who can meditate the longest?
In my experience, that's one way I've seen people try to brag about their spiritual gains :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

Another pretty common thing is people who talk and talk about their practice and walk around with a fake-pleasant smile stapled on their faces, but you can just tell that there's a lot of fear of not measuring up hidden behind that, and sometimes these folks are the ones to lash out at others first. I have participated in two Buddhist retreats and there are always people who act extremely passive-aggressively. On one of those retreats, one guy had misheard something I said in a discussion, got insulted, and proceeded to humiliate me to tears while wearing a pleasant smile. When it turned out that he had lashed out at me for no reason at all, he wanted to _hug me to make it right_ and that made it even worse for me, because he kind of got to play the "bigger man" in the scenario. So, yeah, not everyone who is spiritual is emotionally stable. Ironically, on the next day this guy got initiated into the next level of the sangha, from noobie to an initiated member with limited teaching rights, so there's that... Oh, and of course the folks who flex their knowledge of scriptures. A surprisingly large portion of these types have very vague ideas about what the scriptures actually are, and absolutely no idea about the cultural context behind them. It's like watching a pig play piano, it sure makes a lot of noise but that's about that.

And yeah, not every town has Buddhist sanghas but most big ones do. They seem a bit hidden because in the West there's usually not enough funding to build temples, so they congregate in commercial rental spaces and other such places. And of course, because there are Western Buddhist denominations competing against traditional Eastern Buddhist ones, and most people who dip their toes in meditation don't know the difference (not saying either is better, religion always changes), the end result is that in large cities there are usually several small sanghas that have nothing to do with each other except that people move from one to another if they quit vibing with the teachings or the community. When I was writing my Master's, I visited four different ones to get familiar with the field, and that's in Helsinki (Finland), which is a tiny city on a global scale! :)

GREAT that you exercised! I bet it felt good to get out of the house for a bit :grouphug: And I can see that you had the blessing of the avocado gods with you, as well :D
 
Great job getting to the gym! Maybe get those knees looked at though: random dudes at the gym aren't always the best counselor.
 
I don´t know what the typical order is where you live. Primary care doctor is probably a good start: if it is a worry they´ll probably refer you to a physical therapist.
 
I took a step back from here, I was feeling guilty for complaining so much, but I haven't given up on my fitness journey. In fact, I've been exercising weekly for over a month and in the last three weeks, I've been exercising 3-4 times a week.

I've realized my eating was better when I was on here. I've been feeling a little crazy because every time I step on the scale, it goes up. At one point, I was 109lbs and now I'm 119lbs. My boyfriend swears it's muscle, but I plan to get to the bottom of it by stopping the snacking cycle, intermittent fasting, and measuring my fat/waist.

When I get enough money, I will do hydrostatic weighing, which is weighing myself under water, and getting my basal metobolic rate professionally measured. I'm excited because this is the first time I'm doing something like this.


UPDATE ON MY KNEES:
I fixed them! By exercising. They no longer shift or hurt when I'm on them. They were hurting so badly when I first started, I almost went to the doctor, but then I rested for a few days and they suddenly stopped hurting. This is part of what motivates me to keep exercising. Because seeing the scale go up...normally I'd say f-- exercising and just diet. But things are different now. I actually value being strong.
 
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That sounds amazing! I'm so glad your knees are better, and that you are not freaking out about gaining weight in muscle! Take care <3 Your overall tone and long term goals sound really good to me!
 
That sounds amazing! I'm so glad your knees are better, and that you are not freaking out about gaining weight in muscle! Take care <3 Your overall tone and long term goals sound really good to me!
Thank you!
 
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