Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks LaMa. I found a new goal today! I'm happy again!

So, we had more government announcements today. Some better news, but it's a very, very slow reopening. Tennis has been put back to the 26th of April. Four weeks away. It's really annoying because the weather this week is savage, and I would love to be out there on the court. But, it's something. We can also travel further than 5 km from our house to exercise again from Monday the 12th of April. Which means the beach is an option again! That's an exciting one. I really want to take a dip in the ocean. I'd like to try to go to the beach once a week if I can manage it.

Anyway, all this means is that I have 26 days to get fit for tennis! That is my new project.

I went for a walk in the woods after work today, it was a really beautiful day here. I was so happy to be out in the fresh air after being at my desk all day. The longer evenings are such a blessing. Anyway, I went a different route than normal, got a bit lost, ended up having to go down this muddy hill and sliding and falling on my ass, mud all over me! But, it was kind of fun. I washed the mud off my hands and arms in the stream afterwards and I thought to myself how wonderful it was to be out in nature. Honestly, you can see the benefit of it in my face, and it was only one evening doing this. So, woodland walks after work are being added to the plan.

The Get Fit for Tennis Plan:
- Run every morning
- Woodland walk after work/weekend afternoons
- Yoga every evening
- Beach and swim every Saturday or Sunday (from 17th April)
- Salt bath once a week (in my parents' house)

I mean, if I stuck to the exercise goals alone, it would be amazing. I'm also planning on doing my 3 homemade meals and 2 snacks thing per day. I will start tracking that here again. I will also try to stay away from cigarettes and alcohol, but it's going to be a no pressure plan. The exercise is my main thing, and I feel all the rest will follow. Anyway, it's only for 26 days, and then I'll start a new tennis and running regime, with the woods and yoga thrown in. And then, very soon I hope, my precious swimming pool will also be back. And gym classes.

I honestly feel so much better today, with the time in nature and the fantastic weather. I feel a sense of optimism again that was missing. Fuck you Covid, you won't bring this country down!
 
Emilyrose said:
I honestly feel so much better today, with the time in nature and the fantastic weather. I feel a sense of optimism again that was missing. Fuck you Covid, you won't bring this country down!
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or Em :D Go you!
 
How wonderfully positive you sound with a goal to hit! Your woodland slip 'n slide brings back memories :rotflmao: Mud's good fun as long as you have warm, clean water to look forward to afterwards.
 
Thanks Cate and LaMa. You guys are the best.

I unfortunately have nothing good to report. No, that's not true. I have lots of good things to report.

Good things to report are:
- I have went for a woodland walk now for four days in a row. I'm aiming to get to 30 - that's about the time that tennis comes back. Whenever I walk into the woods, I realise that I am walking into a meditation podcast that I sometimes need to help me to get to sleep. The walk I do is about 50 minutes, I never wear headphones or bring my phone, and I am just listening to the sound of the babbling brook, the owl hooting, patting the friendly dogs that approach from time to time, and trying to sort out my head and fill it with beauty and nature and all the great things this life has to offer. Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel happy. But, it doesn't matter how I feel, I know that it is doing me good.
- Work going fantastic really. Not too stressful, I am getting it all done, I am contributing and I am making the company money. So, I feel it's a job well done. I am definitely a good employee.

There's other good things to report, but, to be honest, I just want to talk about what's bothering me. I went home last night and my mother was in a very bad way. She said some incredibly hurtful things to me and my dad. It was like she wished that she'd had a different life. She was talking about making different choices, and I said that if she'd done that, we wouldn't be here with her, and her answer was that other people would be there with her. It was very upsetting, I'm not going to lie.

When I was younger, my mum would get into these black moods, usually around Christmas or a big occasion, and if everything wasn't 'perfect', there would be a thunderstorm. It was like she was possessed by a demon and she would scream at you and say all kinds of nasty, horrible things. I can't remember them now, even though I remember a lot of things, and I know that's really a defense mechanism, because the stuff she spewed at me was so horrible, and not things that a mother should ever say to a child. And last night, while not quite as crazed as those attacks were, was reminiscent of it.

It's made me realise that maybe I am carrying my mother's problems around with me. I love her and I know she doesn't want to be the way she is right now. But - to be honest - my feelings about her have changed. The way she was rewriting history, rewriting my childhood last night with the hurtful things she was saying has forced me to reevaluate things. Maybe she didn't give me the love I needed.

She's back-peddling bigtime today - she rang me twice. She said she was so happy that I took her call. I told her last night that if she continues this way, I am out of her life for good. I don't think I really mean that, but at the same time, I don't know what to do with her anymore. I am very upset.

Anyway, this is a good song. Maybe some day I will drop my own bad habits and allow myself to be happy, and realise I deserve to be. This guy is a real talent.

 
I'm so sorry, that must've hurt so much! It's true of course, but as a person over 16 she's supposed to know not to spew those thoughts with the people affected by them. I'm glad you're aware she's just hurting and lashing out but I can't imagine what hearing things like that would've been like for little Emily :grouphug: I hope your dad gave you the biggest hug ever.
 
Hey Emily, I always like your good things reports, the walks sound nice. I envy you the ocean swims. I wish I lived where I could do frequent ocean swims, not a lot of nice places natural places to swim here, except off the boat. I think you water is pretty cold, what are the temperatures? Do you wear a wetsuit?

Our covid restrictions, few as they are, seem to be going away. Too soon, I think, but I am not the decision maker, LOL. Did you see Florida has made the covid vaccine passport thing illegal? I have no idea what the logic there is... I do what I can, had the shots and still wear a mask most of the time. Wish more folks here would do something similar.

Sorry you are struggling with your mother, that can be hard. But you seem to understand that the problem is her, not you, that has to help a little. Hard to do much about anyone other than yourself...
 
Oh, Em. That would have been horrible, especially as a child. Has your Mum ever been diagnosed with a mental illness that you know of? If she hasn't it sounds like the time she got some help, for everyone's sake. Sending you an Easter Sunday hug :grouphug: I didn't even buy us any easter eggs :svengo: I don't go in the supermarket anymore so didn't even see any.
 
- No hugs allowed at the moment LaMa!
- Hey Rob. I guess I understand the banning of the vaccine passport. It makes sense, but is also kind of discriminatory in a way? I don't wear a wetsuit when I go in the sea, those things are the devil when you are overweight, haha! The water is absolutely freezing, but I kind of enjoy the thrill of it. I don't stay in for too long.
- Hi Cate. I think she has a mental illness at the moment. She's suffered a lot of trauma in her life. She's not a bad person, really.

Anyway, the good news is that I think my mum realised how far she had sunk the last night, and is making great strides to try to get back to some kind of equilibrium. I made out a few MUST DO tasks for her to complete each day - daily stretches, going for a walk, and a bath each evening, and I think it's helping. This weekend was the brightest she's been in ages. The three of us watched Grand Designs last night, and she was really engaged with it, and actually laughing, which is something she hasn't been able to do in a while.

I do think that she is getting better, and I do blame having a health condition during Covid for bringing this depression out in her. I heard some very alarming stories at the weekend about what Covid has done to people - I won't get into the details now, but it's shocking really. I think these lockdowns are an absolute abomination, if I'm being honest.

The way we always dealt with tough times in the past was by gathering together as a community and supporting each other - during war, grief, natural disasters, etc. But this one - this one you're expected to do it all by yourself. And it's so difficult. If we could all meet up regularly and moan about how bad Covid is and comfort each other, and tell a few jokes, it would give the whole thing so much less power. It eats you up when you don't have someone to balance it out for you.

I'm lucky that my job is going so well at the moment. Of course, now I want to leave. Hahaha. I guess I'm at a crossroads in a way. I can decide to stay here and save for the next 3 years to buy myself an apartment or something, so at least by the time I'm 40, I don't have housemates to worry about. Or maybe I should save enough to get out of Ireland for good. I just really hope opportunity knocks. I know mindset decides so much of how your life pans out. I am really trying to bring up my energy levels and get into that flow of life, that flow of energy, where everything suddenly becomes easy and the next step on the path becomes clear.

I remember the day before my interview for my first job after college, I found a pen on the floor of my house with the name of the company on it. They must have come to the university at some point to give us a talk and handed out these pens, and I'd obviously took one, lost it, and then suddenly, there it was, an actual signpost, right there on my dining room carpet. When I saw it, I felt like I'd get the job. And I did. I need something like that to happen again.
 
Emilyrose said:
The three of us watched Grand Designs last night, and she was really engaged with it, and actually laughing, which is something she hasn't been able to do in a while.
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That's lovely to hear and I hope the shock of what she said stays with her long enough for real change.
Emilyrose said:
I heard some very alarming stories at the weekend about what Covid has done to people - I won't get into the details now, but it's shocking really.
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By now I've worked with several younger patients after a bad case of covid and I can confirm: it's awful. I can't begin to imagine what trouble we'd be in if the hospitals got overwhelmed. As annoying - and harmful in their own way - as lockdowns are they're nothing compared to people trying to care for their dead or dying loved ones at home - or lonely people just getting left to rot. It's darkly funny how we as a society have had to go back to what old-fashioned societies we like to look down on used to do during epidemics: the rich fleeing the cities to enjoy relative freedom while the poor just have to deal with circumstances as best they can. I think it was Henry VIII who didn't even let his personal servants into his quarters during the deadly "sweating sickness" epidemic.
 
I feel like I'm getting into a bad temper about Covid again, but I need to say this. LaMa, to be honest, you don't understand what's going on in my life and how much these lockdowns have impacted my mental wellbeing, in terms of sharing a house with someone who is not dealing with it and having a mother that is on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets for the first time in her life. I'm sorry, but you don't know everything, and your opinion is not fact. Ireland has had such an aggressive lockdown (5 months) without any sign of reprieve until we get a little bit of breathing room next Monday, and it's been a real fucking challenge. Yes, we need to do lockdowns, I agree, but the severity of this one has been too much for the people here, and our hospitals are nowhere near the overwhelmed stage. They paid the private hospitals thousands and never even got close to having to use them. The way it's been handled has not been convincing. The lockdowns are far more than 'annoying', to be frank. My mother has spoken about 'dying from this' at her lowest point - 'this' is not Covid, by the way. 'This' is the awful state that these lockdowns, pervasive negativity from our media and government and the fear-mongering claptrap have put my mother into.

SG texted me during the week - his job is now in jeopardy, along with 250 of his co-workers, as contracts move to other countries. I feel like it's the start of a very real recession and it's unsettling. I feel so sorry for him, he really was doing well in this new job. He's applied for other roles in the company, but he's still relatively new, so I'm not sure what his chances are. I wish him all the best, I really do.

I'm meeting my friend for a walk tomorrow. I've done 11 days in a row of my woodland walk now, I'm pretty proud of that. I think it's helping. I like having a goal. Sometimes it all seems like a big effort and I don't even enjoy the walk, but I feel like it's important that I keep at it.

My housemate is still here. I haven't seen her in weeks now. She doesn't come into the room if I am there. I never go into the living room - her new home. I don't get the impression she is even looking for a new place to live. I am worried. On one of the talk radio shows here that I happened to catch this week, they were saying that disputes with tenants can take up to 2 years to resolve. I have no idea if she is contesting it or not. I don't even know 100% that she was asked to move out. If she is still here on the day after I think she's been asked to leave, I will ring the landlord if I haven't heard from her by then. If she is contesting, I'm gone baby gone. I can't live like this anymore.
 
I do understand that lockdowns are unpleasant and bad for many things (as well as people!) and I'm awfully sorry to hear Ireland is dealing with the situation badly. I was really going off your last post, which to me made it sound like they're bad/worse than the alternative in general. I'm sorry for upsetting you more than this whole mess was already doing. I'll just stfu next time you need to vent; times are hard enough for everyone as they are without me being at your throat.
 
Hey LaMa, I know you didn't mean anything bad by it. I'm just a bit prickly at the moment. I hope you understand.

Anyway, today was day 12 of my 30-day woodland walk challenge. I am very happy with how it's going. I think it is helping me. I went with friends today, so it was quite nice.

I've decided to embark on another 30 day challenge, as this one seems to be going quite well. I am going to give up cigarettes and alcohol for the next 30 days. I ending up drinking a lot of wine last night, and while I managed to sleep off quite a lot of the damage, I really am sick of doing this to myself and my body. It's just taking too much energy away from me. The country is still quite locked down for the next while at least, so I think it's a good time to try it. Day 1 is going okay so far. When I have been drinking the night before, I find it easy not to smoke for some reason. It is only when my strength returns that I feel like smoking again.

Tomorrow, I will have dinner with my parents, have a bath and do some yoga before another week starts again. That should help to distract and keep me away from cigarettes. Monday morning might be difficult, but it's only 30 days. At the end of 30 days, I will assess how I feel. If I want to smoke again, I will. (I'm really hoping that I won't.) As for drinking, I don't think I'll ever quit completely (but who knows?) but it's just to put a stopper on the lonely solo wine drinking, which is completely silly and pointless.

I had kind of decided to start this new 30 day challenge earlier in the day, and, as luck with have it, I popped into Easons this afternoon to see if any interesting new books were out, and I picked up The Accidental Soberista by Kate Gunn. I read a few chapters this evening - she's just completed her first 30 days off alcohol, and has decided with her partner that they will do another 30. It's good, and definitely encouraging. It seemed like fate that I found it today really.

It was also nice to meet my friends (and a few of their friends) earlier. We sat at benches and had coffee after our walk, it was really lovely. I always see people sitting at these particular benches, wishing I was one of them. Today, I got my wish! I'm going to meet one of the girls that was there today for another walk during the week, which is nice too.
 
Emilyrose said:
I'm just a bit prickly at the moment. I hope you understand.
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Same here. Things kind of suck.

Emilyrose said:
It was also nice to meet my friends (and a few of their friends) earlier. We sat at benches and had coffee after our walk, it was really lovely. I always see people sitting at these particular benches, wishing I was one of them. Today, I got my wish!
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That sounds lovely :beating:
 
- Hope you're okay LaMa.
- Thanks Flyer. It's a struggle, it's a war...

I just left a question on LaMa's journal that I feel I should also address to myself. What would make me happy?

I don't think there's an easy answer for this. Or maybe there is. I guess I would like to find a partner in life that really cares about me. SG is texting again and wants to meet up. He is also struggling with job stability, as I mentioned. The thing is, I do want to meet him, but I also know that he doesn't care about me in the way that I need to be cared about. That's not to disparage him or his character - I just think he's just not capable of giving me the love that I need. So I think meeting him again is probably a bad idea. And yet, I can't bring myself to cut him out of my life completely. I guess the thing is that without him, I am completely alone. And I hate that.

I'm 35 now, so I am starting to wonder if I even want to have a family. To be honest, I see loads of kids on my walks every day and I don't feel particularly broody. Especially when they are crying or whinging about wanting something. Which is often. A lot of the books I read from women talk a lot about the love they feel for their children, and that it's all worth it, but most of the time, it seems like a swamp of negativity and guilt and exhaustion. I don't want that. I definitely don't feel ready to take on that world. I guess I want to get to a place where I would be willing be sacrifice my own health and peace to raise one or more kids. And the terrifying thing is that I might get to that point when it's too late. That scares me.

Time is moving by so quickly. I watched the Baftas with my parents earlier. I would love to be involved in the world of film. I guess a lot of people have the same dream. What makes mine so different? Is it different? Or am I just delusional? That's something yet to be discovered. I haven't found the amount of gumption needed yet to really pursue it.

When I met my friends yesterday, I was talking about moving abroad as my next move. Do I really want that? Agh, I don't know. I guess the focus for the next while should be finding out what I really want and taking the steps to get there. I read a good quote from Michael Jordan today -

Once I made a decision, I never thought about it again.

It's high-time I got deciding.
 
Emilyrose said:
To be honest, I see loads of kids on my walks every day and I don't feel particularly broody.
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Most of the moms I know in my generation and under didn't particularly want kids and most of them seemed happy to have them when it happened anyway. Maybe getting tingly ovaries whenever you see babies is just as rare as being sure you don't want kids and most people would be fine either way if it wasn't for societal pressure.
Emilyrose said:
I read a good quote from Michael Jordan today -

Once I made a decision, I never thought about it again.
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I like that one. Usually true for me. I remember reading about a study once where they looked at people who were shopping and it turned out that most of them would grade a product they had bought higher than alternatives even if they were identical and hadn't been among the original choices. Our brains are usually quite good at avoiding regret, even if it requires a bit of self-delusion
 
I suppose that's it LaMa - if I end up having a baby, I'll get on board! Hahaha.

I'm a bit tired today and work was a write-off cos we had loads of meetings today so I'll be playing catch-up for the rest of the week. I have nothing on tomorrow so I might stay a bit later if needed. I'm going to get to sleep soon though so that I have a fresh head going in.

I went for my woodland walk after work (day 14! I did 2 weeks!) and I really didn't feel like it, but I'm glad I went all the same. It rained a little bit, which was quite soothing. I haven't lost any weight unfortunately, but at least my body is getting a bit of a workout at the very least. I prepped a healthy lunch for tomorrow when I got home also. I am really hoping for a good eating day. I've been doing a bit better the last few weeks, thanks to some homemade dinners courtesy of my dad, but I need to start cooking again for myself. I can't use my housemate as an excuse anymore, as she just doesn't enter the kitchen if I'm in there, so I just need to start looking after myself and my body again.

I've come to the conclusion that I will never 'feel like' cooking and not eating chocolate, so I need to just accept that and do it anyway. I am suffering either way - might as well suffer and do the right thing, rather than eating what I want with abandon and suffering anyway by being too full or feeling guilty or knowing that the scales will not change if I continue to do this. It's all an effort right now. Maybe it always will be. I guess I just need to get the momentum going on it. I think the woodland walk is a good experiment, because it's proving to me that I can stick to the decision once I've made it. I just need to expand that to other things too.

I had a meetup with the drama group tonight to discuss future projects, it was good really. They are a nice bunch. I can't wait till we can meet up in person again, I am so sick of video calls. o_O

I think my mum is improving. She is getting her first dose of VACCINE tomorrow, how exciting. I really hope that cheers her up. I'll end with this cheery tune:

Well I don't want to wake up in the morning but I've got to face the day
 
Good sound, Em. I have been away for the weekend. Why do you think that SG does not care about you in the way you want to be cared for. Do you really mean that you don't love him?
 
- Hi Cate. He's just not interested in me enough as a person. He likes to talk and talk - I hate that. I think it should be a two-way street. We're not right for each other.
- I know LaMa. We've just got to keep on keeping on and try to figure this thing out.

I'm reading a lot of interesting books at the moment. I picked up The Accidental Soberista by Kate Gunn. I don't love her, I think there's an element of separation from the topic she's speaking about in her writing, so she's not really getting to the truth of the matter. Annie Grace is amazing and I have been watching some of her videos on youtube. I'm going to order This Naked Mind, maybe after I write this post or tomorrow. She just gets it. She's incredibly funny and warm and I feel like reading that book could change my life.

One thing she said in one of the videos I listened to last night before I went to bed - she said that when you choose to drink, you are choosing to numb. And she said, yes, absolutely, the numbing works. But if you constantly choose to numb, you are constantly suppressing that emotional pain. You are avoiding dealing with whatever it is that is wrong (because the emotional pain is a sign that something is wrong) and you are essentially kicking the can further down the road. You can never move on from it if you choose to numb every time. It really resonated with me.

I think the same thing can be applied to emotional dependency on food. Because that's really what overeating or bingeing is. The 'reward' you are giving yourself is actually not a reward - it's a life raft. I don't binge in the way that I used to anymore, but I think the sad truth is it's because I've replaced the bingeing with cigarettes and alcohol instead. It's about getting to that numbed out place - the emotional pain is dulled, I can feel okay for a couple of hours, and then the vicious cycle starts back up again the next day, when I'm trying to not smoke, not buy a bottle of wine after work, not pig out on a takeaway... It really is the stuff of nightmares.

I bought wine this evening. I thought about the choice of numbing or not numbing and just trying to deal with my shit, and I chose the numb. But I think even that mindshift of knowing why I am doing this in even a small way - to numb out - is a big step for me. The next step is try to figure out why I find just the act of going about my day so difficult that I am trying to numb/reward my way through it. I had a hectic meeting today - my cigarette afterward was my reward for it going well. (If it went bad - my consolation.) It makes me sad to think about how much I hate my life ultimately. Hate the person that I am. Hate the daily routine. I don't know how to make that better for myself yet. Even in 'happy' times, I want to numb. Why is that? Do I even like being alive?

I went for my woodland walk today, and I was just apathetic beforehand, but as it went on, I got into it, and found myself really enjoying it. The birdsong is so loud, it's a beautiful place to go and just walk and move and be alive. And yes, I do like being alive. I just need to figure out how to get over whatever emotional upheaval I am in all the time. I think maybe 5 years ago, I could have told you why. But now... now, I feel like everything is going well and yet, I am still numbing constantly.

I talk here about my mum and my housemate and work and all the different things that are difficult and hard and challenging. But really, my main source of unhappiness is this constant battle between wanting to numb and wanting my life to change. And that's the honest truth. I feel if I could get my head sorted, the rest would be a whole lot easier. To be continued...

Oh yeah, I also meant to mention the other book I'm reading at the moment, which is The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy. I read a few chapters tonight. It's really interesting - about how the story you tell yourself informs you're reality. 'Oh my God, I'm so fat', you tell yourself over and over (when you're actually a healthy weight). Well, guess what sister, suddenly you are! I firmly believe in the power of thought in creating your reality. I have enough examples in my own life to know that mindset really can influence a lot of stuff externally. It's really the same thing as I've already said - get the head right, and all the rest will follow.
 
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