Emily Rose: The Reboot

Yeah, I really enjoyed it LaMa. I've tried to read a number of books over the last year and most of them were a bit of a struggle. This one had the magic ingredients I needed. :)

Well, this evening my hypnotist rang me and I have an appointment for 11 am on Saturday! This is my big chance to finally put this smoking habit behind me and start a new chapter! What's encouraging me is that Allen Carr quit smoking after visiting a hypnotist. I'm obviously scared, apprehensive, worried it won't work, but I have to try it. I have to believe it will work. I'll update Saturday evening on how I feel!

Things are going okay in general, the weeks are just flying by. I'm wrapped up in the play 3 evenings a week, so that's keeping my mind occupied. It's starting to come together and it is a complete switch-off from the real world, which is just what I need right now. There's been a few teething problems, but I think we've come through it and it should be getting better and better from now on.

My mum still isn't right, and is back on sleeping tablets again, which I hate to hear. She should be getting her vaccination soon, and I think, provided she has no adverse reaction to it, that will really help steady her mind. She's severely anxious right now, but she's trying her best. I just want my mum back! :(

I did some yoga tonight, my feet were screaming at me. I am sad to report that there's a lot of stretches I used to be able to do that I am not able to do any longer. I've really stiffened up, which makes perfect sense, since we're all probably carrying around a lot more tension in general. I'm going to keep up the videos though, because I know they really help. I also got out for a few longer runs this week. Still carrying too much weight around, but I'm doing better in general.

That's it for now, thanks for reading.
 
If your mom is worried about the vaccine: very few people seem to have a real reaction to the first dose, unless they'vehad covid already. With the second the body is starting to recognize the bits of virus as something bad so it might get upset but generally nothing too bad either.
Exciting news about the hypnotherapist! Very curious to hear your opinion about it. I agree that most of us are more tense than normal - maybe the hypnosis can help with that a little as well.
 
She's not worried about it LaMa - I am. I read your arguments for on your thread - very convincing! :)

I looked up the hypnotherapist today because literally all I knew about the man was that he put a sign up on the main road I drive on to get to work that said 'Quit With Barry', and I took that as a signal from the Universe. Anyway, he turns out to be a very kindly-looking senior gentleman wearing a suit and tie in the picture I found of him. I was hoping he wasn't going to be a young, hippie-type trying to make a quick buck. He was so funny on the call to me, it was like the hypnosis was already starting. He kept telling me, 'Well done.' :) Anyway, let's wait and see... o_O If I come back on here talking like a pod person, you'll know I've been tricked.

I can't wait for this week to be over. I have a horrid report to do tomorrow, and then it's the weekend baby! I went for a 6k run after work today, delighted with myself. It actually wasn't too bad. I've been more consistent with the running lately and it's paying off. I felt super after it. I have this app where you don't know what the training schedule is going to be for the next week until this one is done (which is a great idea) and the schedule this week was quite tough, so I was excited when I finished my run to click and see what lies ahead... It was way harder than this week. Two 8k runs in the mix! If I hadn't had such a good run this evening, I would have thought no way. But I think I can manage it. I just need to start resting my body a bit more.

I had a nice chat today with the newest girl in work. It's great to get to go in every day and meet someone and have a chat for a bit. She's also great because she doesn't overly chat, whereas sometimes I am really busy and I'm in with someone that will ramble on for 20 minutes, and I don't have the time. I've been enjoying work since I got back after Christmas, I'm just managing my time a lot better, and my manager isn't as pushy as normal. Long may it continue. I also have a day off coming up in the next few weeks, and then of course there's St Patrick's Day, which will be fairly miserable this year (i.e. nothing will be happening).

And then we will officially have had a year of living within some form of lockdown or another. With no sign of when things will be back open. But, as it's seasonal, I think we will get some kind of summer. I just hope this is the beginning of the end of this period of human history. I'm ready for pandemic 'living' to be a thing of the past.
 
"Quit with Barry" sounds like the title of a cringy romcom :rotflmao: I'm glad you like the look of him though; if we notice any signs of pod-Emily next week Barry will have some explaining to do!
I like the sound of a "surprise" running schedule but I couldn't do 8 km twice a week! Then again I couldn't do 6 km once a week either, so you're way ahead of me anyway :)
 
Hi em just dipping in to say hello . Loving you are so busy . Good luck with the hypnotherapist and hope your mum is feeling better . And your housemate sounds very kindhearted . Laundry out and chocolates .

I think you are heading towards a very positive year .
 
Thanks for the comments everyone.

Well, I am officially smoke-free! It feels weird to say that. The whole experience was quite traumatic, if I'm being honest. I started crying during the hypnosis, which he said was a good thing. I was 'releasing' whatever it was I needed to in order for this to work. Afterwards, I felt really drained and out of sorts. I met my dad for a while in town, and found myself really studying anyone I saw smoking a cigarette (a surprisingly large number of people).

I came home and just sat in bed for a while, staring at the wall. I tried to go to sleep, but that didn't work, so I got up and made dinner and then just watched a movie and turned the lights out at about 10 pm. It took me ages to get to sleep and I woke up this morning at 6 am with a huge amount of lower back pain. Detox has begun.

Do I think it's worked? Well, I didn't have any desire to buy or smoke cigarettes yesterday. When I contemplate doing it, it's like there's a force field up, stopping me from taking any steps in that direction. It's weird. But it's also incredibly tiring, because I've been living a certain way for so long that a change like this is very disconcerting. I think I'm probably going to be a bit out of sorts for a while. But I can see already that my lips, which had started to get a bit discoloured, are already healing, my chest feels like it's clearing out already, and I want to see this through.

Barry said he will follow up with me in 3 to 4 weeks to see how I'm getting on. I want to be able to tell him that I am another success story for him. It was an incredibly beneficial session. He was probably in his late 60s/early 70s (looked great) and he was saying he'd love to be 34 again. Haha, that made me feel good. That reminded me that I do have time to change and that there are still opportunities out there for me. It doesn't really feel like that at the moment. Anyway, I guess it's too early to say if it's 'worked', but I definitely feel an energy shift, and I hope things are on the up and up from here. Getting back in control over my health has been the dream for so long. It will be a huge confidence boost going forward and free up so much energy if I never have to worry about smoking again.
 
Change is hard, and exhausting, but so worth it in the long run! At 34 you may be too old to become a prima ballerina but pretty much all non-pro-athletics options are wide open for you. You have the drive and the guts to do what you really want.
 
Thanks to you both.

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. The hypnotism didn't work, I'm still smoking unfortunately. What it did do was unearth a whole load of crap that I am currently wading through.

I bought my parents a jigsaw last weekend when I met my dad in town, because he'd been talking about getting one, but hadn't got around to it. He said something really interesting this evening on the phone - that at the start of the jigsaw, all of the pieces are upside down, and you have turn them all upwards and sort them out, and everything seems really hard. But as you proceed, it gets easier and easier and suddenly the jigsaw is solved, with seemingly no effort at all. I think that is how I am feeling about where my life is right now. It is a really hard puzzle that I am struggling to solve.

I haven't been having a very good time in my private life. In my public life, I am doing fine. Work, the play, all good. Aside from that, I am suffering greatly. I am giving in to every urge to eat, smoke, drink that I have. I'm absolutely exhausted. My nerves are in shreds. I'm doing my best to put on a happy face, but the cracks are definitely evident at this stage. I think the fact that I have about 40 pounds to lose is really wrecking my head. But, to be 'healthy', it's about 20. I just want to be my ideal weight.

What troubles me about weight loss is that it's the one area of my life I have complete control over, and yet it seems like I have no control over it. I had so many meetings this week between work and the play, and it's all left me feeling empty and sad. Most of it went well, but I just feel so unhappy. I don't feel grounded. I need to feel grounded for my life to progress in any meaningful sort of way.

I did clean my room this evening when I came home, which is a relief. I've started to feel sick lately when I overeat, which is interesting. And not just an uncomfortable bloating, but physically close to vomiting. Anyway, I wish I had better news. The hypnotist rang a few days ago but I was busy in work and I didn't answer his call. I don't know what to say to him. I need to find the first two pieces of the jigsaw and fit them together.
 
Always start by sorting out the corner pieces. What do you need to be in place to have some structure? A clean room is a good start. Regularly planned meals? Exercise? Structured call with loved ones? Meditating 20 minutes every day?
 
Emilyrose said:
The hypnotism didn't work, I'm still smoking unfortunately.
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Sorry to hear that, but I am not surprised. If it worked for most people the world would have far fewer smokers...

My only experience with a hypnotist was many years ago in a stage show setting. He invited audience volunteers up onto the stage to be hypnotized and I went up. He had us hold a rope and then "hypnotized" the group. First he told us the most important thing was to hold onto the rope no matter what unless he told us to drop it. Then his assistant came out and said just try to drop the rope now, no one should be able to. I just let go, the rope fell and I was quickly ushered off stage. Then the hypnotist proceeded to get the other volunteers to quack like ducks and do other foolish things. I guess I failed the test... I really did concentrate and try, but it was a no go for me. I did not know any of the others who stayed on stage, I often wonder if they really were hypnotized or just felt obligated to do as he said... So I tend of think of hypnotism as a kind of voodoo or something, I suspect your person was very different. Hope he was anyway.

Sorry I have not been keeping up with a lot of my friends here, but I do try to read your diary, even if I don't post on it much. You are an interesting person and you write well.
Emilyrose said:
What troubles me about weight loss is that it's the one area of my life I have complete control over, and yet it seems like I have no control over it. I had so many meetings this week between work and the play, and it's all left me feeling empty and sad.
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I sure understand that feeling, it kind of describes where I was for many years, more than you have been on earth for sure. I wish I could tell you what changed for me, other than just doing it, and that is probably not much help. You are trying harder to find the solution than I was, so I am optimistic for you. Hope it works out for you my friend! And I will always think of you as a friend, no matter what you weigh or smoke, it just makes me happier when my friends are happier.
 
- Thanks LaMa. I'm actually going to go back to my meditation classes on a Monday and Friday evening as soon as the play is over. I really need them to stay grounded.
- Thank you Rob, what a lovely post. You're a good friend to have! :)

So, I was really stressed over this photoshoot we had to do for the play yesterday. I was just in despair about my looks, my hair and particularly of course, my weight. We took the photos and the video... and I actually looked pretty good! The dress I wore was quite flattering and one of the people taking the photos told me I was a 'really beautiful woman.' It was so amazing. I felt so good afterwards.

It's given me a badly-needed confidence boost and has inspired me to start looking after myself a bit more. I came home yesterday and did yoga for close to an hour and didn't have any wine or cigarettes all day. Lol, I love how that's an achievement, but it is for where I am right now. Actually, on Friday, I went on a complete booze binge, because of the stress over the photos, and I saw this guy around my age in the shop. He was quite attractive but you could see he was a bit on the plump side (but in that rapid weight gain kind of way where it all goes to your belly and hips) and his hair was really thinning. He was buying a slab of Heineken and then he asked for a pack of smokes as well. I felt like I was looking at the male version of myself. He just seemed to be in a complete Covid slump, like I have been, and trying to block it all out with as many substances as he can get his hands on. I mean, I don't know the man, but that was the impression I got.

Anyway, today is going well so far. It's a beautiful day here. I went for a walk in the woods earlier, it was really invigorating. There were loads of kids out playing and making animal noises at each other and I was so happy to see them out in the fresh air and having a bit of fun. Life isn't very fun right now for a lot of us. I haven't smoked today, and the plan is to not smoke today. I'm avoiding triggers such as my housemate and my mother to try to get through it.

My mum isn't normally a trigger, but she rang yesterday very upset because she's still not sleeping. She's going to ring the doctor to try to get off the medication early, as she thinks that is the cause of all her woes. I just can't cope with her at the moment. I really feel upset after talking to her, and there's not much I can do. I am going home this week for the day, which will be great. But I have to start protecting myself a little bit more. I've realised that when the people around me are down or are treating me badly, I want to retreat into a bottle of wine or box of smokes to deal with it. I'm punishing myself for their problems. So I have to start giving myself the best chance of getting over these addictions or my life will never change.
 
Emilyrose said:
We took the photos and the video... and I actually looked pretty good! The dress I wore was quite flattering and one of the people taking the photos told me I was a 'really beautiful woman.' It was so amazing
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That's wonderful! Take that, jealous nagging colleague :D
Emilyrose said:
I am going home this week for the day, which will be great. But I have to start protecting myself a little bit more. I've realised that when the people around me are down or are treating me badly, I want to retreat into a bottle of wine or box of smokes to deal with it. I'm punishing myself for their problems.
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It's hard not to feel guilty for doing well (or even ok) when people you love are hurting. Even though it helps nobody. Maybe you can practice imagining a cocoon of light (or whatever feels right for you) for yourself to sit in, where people can come to and pour out their woes but you stay safe.
 
- Thanks LaMa, that's a great suggestion.
- Thanks Cate. :grouphug:

Starting tracking again, see below.

Day 1 - Not the Easiest Start
Sleep: 8 hr 24 min
Sleep Score: 79
RHR: 63
Cardio Fitness: Average to Good 32-36

Weight: 193.8 lbs
Body fat: 43.6%
BMI: 29.5

Food:
- oat bran, chia seeds, blueberries, milk
- slice of toast with butter and cheese
- chicken supreme, potato croquette, mashed potato, broccoli, potato gratin, roast potato, roast veg, chips
- Bailey's cheesecake with cream
- 4 milk trays
- jam and cream sponge with cream x 2 slices
- 4 small glasses wine
- coffee and milk
- coffee and milk and cream
- peppermint tea
- tea and milk

Exercise:
- 5k run
- Home yoga

Thoughts:
Today has been a really challenging day. I'm very worried about my mum. She has gone completely loopy from all the tablets she's on, and I'm really worried she's developing an addiction to sleeping tablets. I thought I was feeling okay, but she just left the room, and I feel like bursting into tears. Normally, it's so relaxing and lovely to be home - it wasn't like that today. My safe haven is so no longer so comfortable. That worries me.

I put on an outward show of being very strong, but I need my mum to be okay and support me. I can't do it on my own. And it looks like I'm going to have to for the time being. I just hope and pray she turns a corner and things start to improve. This has been going on for long enough now.
 
:grouphug: Nobody can do it all alone. Assuming you asked her about the tablets already have you tried talking to your dad about your worries? He's her first (outside) line of defense.
Apart from that: now I want a meal with four different kinds of potatoes! Maybe I can make potato/cheese croquettes in my airfryer today.
 
Emilyrose said:
I put on an outward show of being very strong, but I need my mum to be okay and support me. I can't do it on my own. And it looks like I'm going to have to for the time being.
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I suspect you are a stronger woman than you realize, that is the way you have always come across to me. Even strong people struggle with things, in fact strong people do struggle, just the way you do. Weak people just give up, and I don't see you giving up. Don't sell yourself short!
Emilyrose said:
I'm very worried about my mum. She has gone completely loopy from all the tablets she's on, and I'm really worried she's developing an addiction to sleeping tablets.
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I believe you are right to be worried, in my experience sleeping pills can be addictive. A few years back I was having trouble sleeping and tried one, it worked so well that I decided to take one again the next night, and then I took one a night until the bottle was empty. Then I laid awake for 3 days, could not sleep without them. So I never took another, the addiction was easy for me to get, harder to shake. I hope your Mama can find a way off the pills, I believe she will be better off for it.

Good to see you posting your food, that has always helped me. Keep it up my friend!
 
- Oh LaMa, I am so sick from all the potatoes. We ordered dinner from a hotel as a treat - universal thumbs down afterwards. Our own dinners suits us better. And I explicitly told her and my dad my worries, no beating about the bush here.
- Yeah, that's my fear Rob - the borrowing from Peter to pay Paul aspect of the whole thing. She has to figure out how to sleep without them.

Day 2 - Plump On Camera
Sleep: 7 hr 11 min
Sleep Score: 79
RHR: 62
Cardio Fitness: Average to Good 32-36

Food:
- peppermint tea
- 4 milk trays
- coffee and milk
- can of coke (330 ml)
- half goat's cheese and greens salad
- dairy milk bar (53 g)
- bottle of white wine (12%)

Cigarettes: 16

Exercise:
- 5k run

Thoughts:
Felt so uncomfortably full all day. I didn't eat a lot today, it was mostly fluids, and I'm okay with that. Yes, I'm drinking wine and smoking again, but I have been under a serious amount of stress, between my mother and the play - it's all just proving a bit too much for me. At the same time, my visit home seemed to help, and I will stay again on Monday just to reinforce that I need her to be well for me to be happy. I think the main thing is not to let her sink down into all the negative thoughts and running over the past, as she tends to do. I'll just have to keep propping her up, until she moves past this thing.
 
Emilyrose said:
And I explicitly told her and my dad my worries, no beating about the bush here.
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Glad to hear it. Talking makes things more bearable. Such a shame about the potatoes though!
Best of luck with and for your mom; I hope she finds something to distract and motivate her again. Being stuck at home concentrating on your problems sucks.
 
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