Emily Rose: The Reboot

Em do any of us know what we are meant to be doing , I certainly don't and I muddle my way through many days .
I'm like that in work now , I don't get up unless I really need to and most importantly I don't go near my phone and I am clearing lots of work.

hope you have a good weekend Em
 
Emilyrose said:
And it kills me that I don't know what I am meant to be doing.
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I don't think I have ever known what I was meant to be doing. So many of my friends at school seemed to know what they wanted to do, but I never really did & never have really known. Maybe they never did either.
Being debt-free is a big win, Em. So many younger people who look like they have got the lot really have massive debt. It's not always as rosy as it seems from the outside. You have freedom, Em.
Enjoy your weekend xo
 
- Thanks LaMa. It's something I guess.
- Yeah, I find being a bit stricter with myself is working Petal.
- Thanks Cate. I would like it to be clearer, but I guess that's part of the journey.

Had a lovely evening. Went for food with my dad and then we went to see this super-talented lady:


It was such a joy to be out and listening to live music again. If you ever come across her, definitely take the chance to go see her.

I also suffered so much today from the alcohol last night that I drove into town this evening and didn't drink. I had a coke and a coffee instead. I would have liked to have something, but I really felt so dreadful today. I just know it's not doing me any good. And it was great to just hop into the car after the gig instead of waiting for the bus or wasting money on a taxi. So I'm happy with that.

I'm reading a book at the moment called Healthy is the New Skinny - it's written by a plus-size model named Katie H. Wilcox. It's really, really good. It's basically an examination of why, as women, our only goal seems to be to be thin and beautiful, and if we are neither of those things, we get so unhappy with ourselves. We feel worthless. I'm really enjoying it. She also includes some practical exercises to try as it goes along. I'll share some here if I find any of them particularly helpful.

That's it really - spent most of the day in bed because of the excesses of last night, which is such a shame. I won't be doing that tomorrow. No smokes either today. I really want this to be the start of a new chapter for me. I believe in myself.
 
Well done on no alcohol while out! I like the sound of that book, too, and look forward to hearing some snippets.
 
I just ordered the book from the library. It sounds interesting. Hope you have a lovely Sunday, Em. Are you catching up with your folks this weekend?
 
How did the gig work Em with social distance . Listening now and she is so good . Will see if she is travelling around the country . Will add her on Spotify . It's so hard for musicians to make it but we have a fine selection.

I like the sound of the book too . Now I have my kindle I'm finding I am reading so much .
 
- Thanks LaMa. It's definitely an interesting read.
- Hi Cate. I went to the gig with Dad last night. I rang Mum earlier. I'll probably call out home next week - too busy at the moment.
- It was on in a church Petal, and every second pew was empty, so we were really spaced out. I didn't feel in any danger whatsoever. Glad you liked her music, she is really talented.

Had a bit of a blah day. Just feeling so unmotivated. I did finally snap though and cleaned my room - thank God! It just needs to be hoovered now and the wardrobe tidied up a bit, but it is so much better. So the day wasn't a complete waste of time. I think I often just get a fed up feeling on Sunday, which doesn't really make much sense, as you have the whole day off. But Friday evening is so much better, don't you think?

I did play tennis today, really enjoyed that. I've put my name forward for the grade 6 team - only 2 ladies get on it, and I'm not even sure there are grade 6 men in the club, but I have applied anyway. I'd love to get picked. I'm probably not good enough yet, but I'd get good enough if they picked me, haha!

Weight had gone up again this morning. I think I just need to stop eating. That's probably from the big meal last night, but since I didn't drink at all, which would have been another 500 calories extra maybe, I feel cheated. I don't even know what to do. My metabolism should be skyrocketing, I don't get why I just keep piling on the pounds. My step count this week:
Monday - 12,203
Tuesday - 5,006
Wednesday - 5,365
Thursday - 18,760
Friday - 10,039
Saturday - 14,156
Sunday - 10,132

Like, seriously. I'm so fed up of hating my body. And, to be honest, I don't even hate it, but I really don't want to be overweight to this extent. It's more for fitting into my clothes and all that stuff. So it's getting me down today. I mean, it gets me down every day, but today, it's been particularly glaring.
 
We love sharing live music with our younger son. He hosts live gigs in his backyard. What a beautiful voice Emma has.
I'm sorry you have had a down Sunday too. Good for you tidying up your room though. It wouldn't take much weight-loss for you to feel happier about your body, Em. Let us both have a good week & see what happens xo
 
Sunday has more pressure than Friday night for me, now that I work Mondays again. Like I have to do something with it to not waste it but I also want to be lazy because I have to do so many things all week.
Emilyrose said:
Like, seriously. I'm so fed up of hating my body. And, to be honest, I don't even hate it, but I really don't want to be overweight to this extent. It's more for fitting into my clothes and all that stuff. So it's getting me down today. I mean, it gets me down every day, but today, it's been particularly glaring.
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Those days suck. I´m sure they happen even to VS-models, but they still suck :grouphug:
 
Em I typically hate Sundays . Even as a child . They were boring days and always that back to work or school feeling . Also as a child it sort of had a duty visit element as I was dragged around elderly peoples homes and to an extent that is still going on .

I am making a determined effort now to plan nice things in on my Sunday. Overall though it sounds like you had a really good weekend .
 
- Yeah, you're right about that Cate. I will keep trying.
- Yep, they suck LaMa. I feel a bit better today.
- I think it's interesting Petal that you didn't enjoy the dutiful calls as a child, and yet you've continued them as an adult, when you don't have to! Definitely start doing some stuff you enjoy on Sundays!!

Great day today. I hosted the drama class tonight - it went really well. I even got a little applause at the end, which warmed my heart. Haha. Such a relief it's over though. I had all these things planned in my head to say, and it all kind of went out the window, but everyone had a chuckle at some point, so I feel that it was a successful evening overall. Anything to get a break from the doom and gloom. Sadly, that's probably the last one for a while, as we'll probably be moved back a phase this week. I'm not going to advertise the next one until later in the week, when that phase will potentially be announced. But look, we got two nights out of it anyway.

New girl got told she's not doing well today and was in floods of tears when I got back to the office after lunch. Honestly, my job is like an ongoing soap opera with no reprieve. Am I drawing this kind of drama into my life? I don't know. Anyway, I asked her could I get her anything and if she was okay, and she said she was alright but she was going home for the rest of the day. Not sure if she'll come in tomorrow. I hope she does and pulls up her socks a bit and figures it out. I feel sorry for her, but she's struggling big time and her quality of work isn't great. She was saying today that we're not giving her a chance, but it's just such a hectic office. You need to be able to pick it up quickly. Anyway, I'll try to be as kind and supportive as I can, without getting dragged into the thing.

Food today wasn't bad. Didn't really have time to exercise. I'm going to try to go for a run in the morning. I'm a bit wired now after the class, so might watch an episode of New Girl to try to switch off a bit. Have another big meeting tomorrow and then the rest of the week should be manageable.
 
That's great about the drama meetup going so well! Also great if the drama doesn't invade your work hours...
 
Does the new girl require a bit of mentoring Em or is it a sink or swim environment. Hope she will be ok too .
glad your day was good . Hope today was too .
 
- Thanks Cate. I got a few nice text messages afterwards, so that made me feel good.
- Oh LaMa, you have no idea...
- Today was eventful Petal. Thanks though.

I won't get into what happened in work today, but let's just put it this way - if work were a soap opera, today would have been the series finale. It was so bad. I was fortunately only a side player to the drama that went down, but it was all very upsetting and I am completely out of sorts after it.

I went home after work to get minded a bit by my mum and dad. We had stew, really lovely - I needed something healthy and comforting to eat! I watched some of the French Open with Dad for the evening - a very attractive Greek player Tsitsipas beat a young Spaniard Munar - it was a really good game. Tsitsipas was 2 sets down and came back to win it.

I'm sitting in my bed now listening to a bit of Taylor Swift. I was never really a fan before, but I've gotten into her music bigtime since watching her documentary. She seems like a good egg.

I wish it was the weekend - I am a bit drained. Tennis tomorrow and Thursday though, so that should bring up my mood a bit. I paid for my membership today, so I am committed to Tennisland for the next year anyway. I've decided to start a new leaf on 1st October. Today showed me that I really need to start looking after myself physically and that I'm not really looking after my mental health in the way I need to be. 2020 has been such a disaster. I need to start implementing better coping strategies. The cigarettes need to go in the bin permanently.
 
Good thinking going to your Mum & Dad's after all the work drama. Well done on paying for your tennis club membership. It is obviously so good for you. I am starting a new leaf tomorrow too. I am not having any sweet treats at all, except for a few on Sunday night & limiting my wine to 200ml max a day. We can do this, Em xo
 
Autumn IS the season to get rid of old leaves :)
A quiet evening with your parents sounds like just the thing after the soap opera stress of work. It's Wednesday already so the weekend is on its way :grouphug:
 
- Yes we can, Cate. :patriot:
- Oh, I like that one LaMa. Yeah, the week is flying by, to be fair.

So, this will probably sound a bit silly, but I was kind of sad today. At lunchtime, I ended up taking a wrong turn and going somewhere I never usually go for lunch as it's a bit far from work. Anyway, I was queuing up to get a sandwich, and then I spotted this guy I was friendly with years ago sitting at a table with his girlfriend... and a baby!! Which I presume is theirs. It just really threw me. I always had a soft spot for him, and, this is mad, but I always kind of thought we'd get together. There's always been loads of these strange coincidences when it comes to him. We've been in each other's orbits a few times unexpectedly. Like, one day I turned on the radio at the very beginning of a 2 hour interview on the soundtrack to his life (he's a writer). But anyway. Now he has a baby and that door is closed really. I don't know, sometimes it just feels like everyone is moving on without me.

Other than that, the day wasn't too bad. I was kind of low on energy, weird vibe in the office today after yesterday. I played tennis after work and did some yoga this evening for the first time in a while, so it's something I guess.
 
Your life is moving on too, Em. You have so much to give & receive still & so much more living & loving to come :grouphug:
 
Hope today you feel better Em . Nearly the weekend thankfully
 
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