Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks Cate and LaMa, it really was.

Back to work today. Getting the cold shoulder from my boss and my housemate. Normally, I like to just have it out with people so that issues are resolved, but since I don't really know what the problem is with either of them, I don't care.

I wake up in the morning and I draw an imaginary circle around myself, and that protects me from absorbing other people's negative shit for the day. They're both old enough and wise enough now to have a bit of cop on. I'm not going to be anyone's punching bag.

Housemate has taken to leaving the room whenever I come in. I was on the stairs the other day searching for my keys in my bag and when she saw me, she turned around and walked back to the kitchen, rather than having to open her mouth to say, 'Excuse me.' She's also taken to banging her windows shut if I am smoking in the garden. She can fuck off.

Boss didn't even say hello to me this morning and then we had a team call and she asked the other girl who was on holidays last week how she got on. Then she said, 'Oh, Emily was on holidays last week as well, you should be coming in buzzing, delighted after your holiday'. What a fucking bitch. I wasn't surly or anything, it was just a dig for no reason.

Anyway, I realise that by typing this here, it is giving them way too much of my time and energy, but I guess it is upsetting me and I need to vent a little. But I refuse to let their crap get me down. I played tennis with my dad tonight, I played absolutely fantastic, I felt I was swatting away all of that misery and just enjoying myself so much.

A new house and new job are definitely being considered though. Let's see how the rest of the week goes...
 
Venting about them is good, Em if it helps get it out of your system. I could not share a house with a stranger. I don't know how anyone does it. You have to be so lucky.
 
Weird I missed your previous post so will comment on that . Seems like a fab holiday . I went to Wimbledon a couple of years with my friend as she was a fanatic and it was fantastic. Back in the martina Navratilova and jimmy connor days . Em iim pretty sure you were only being born . Lol
 
- Yeah, it's pretty common here Cate. I looked up places on my own yesterday - for anywhere half-decent by myself, it would cost about a grand a month. I am suddenly happy where I am! :p
- Lol, Wimbledon in any decade is a fantastic experience Petal! I'm definitely going to try to get there in the next few years. I'd also love to go to some of the smaller ATP tournaments they play around the place, maybe somewhere in Germany. They are way cheaper to go to and all the great players are there.
- Yep, tennis is doing wonders for my mental health LaMa. I couldn't encourage you more to get involved in a club of some sort.

The issues with my boss are resolved, thank God. We had a really good meeting today, I put a bit of work into it so she came around. Anyway, it's all revolving around another colleague in the office who is just causing huge problems and has decided to drag me into it. I just told the truth today about what it's been like to work with her since we came back after lockdown and my boss wants us all to have a big meeting with her and discuss this stuff. I would rather not, but hopefully it will just naturally blow over. I'm not worried about what she said because it's all nonsense. I'm just glad whatever mood my boss was in with me has dispelled. It just makes for a much easier life. And she asked me how my holiday went today, so all is forgiven, haha. :D I'm a softie really.

Anyway, it's time for... A NEW PLAN!!!!

I know you are as excited about this as I am. I mean, new plans always work for me, don't they? :leaving:

At the risk of :beathorse:(I've always wanted an excuse to use this absolutely horrible 'smilie'), I am going to try again.

I am breaking my plan up into 10 pound fat-blasting stages.

10 Pound Fat Blast Stage 1: 190 to 180 pounds
Stage 2: 180 to 170 pounds
Stage 3: 170 to 160 pounds
Stage 4: 160 to 150 pounds
Stage 5: 150 to 140 pounds

Obviously, the later stages will take quite a while to get to, and potentially won't be needed, but stages 1-3 are crucial in moving me out of the overweight category that is getting way too close to obese for my liking. I feel physically healthy but I am carrying too much around the middle and it's uncomfortable and annoying. All my jeans and trousers are too tight and I don't want to have to move into 'tent dress' fashion. Or end up wearing only muumuus. *shudder*

Right, Stage 1 of the 10 Pound Fat Blast starts tomorrow. The 'guidelines':
- Track what I've eaten each day on WLF but no restrictions
- Exercise every day
- No smoking unless drinking
- No drinking unless not working the next day

So, stage 1 is ignoring the food issues and just trying to blast the fat away with lots of exercise, which I enjoy and find easier than managing food. Obviously, as I get lighter, the food becomes more and more essential to see results. But for the initial 10 pounds, the exercise should be enough to see changes, combined with cutting out mid-week drinks (which make me tired and result in a sugar binge the next day without fail).

Week 1 Fat Blast Exercise Plan:
Wed: Run & yoga
Thu: Swim & tennis
Fri: Run & tennis
Sat: Swim & tennis
Sun: Run, swim & tennis
Mon: Run
Tue: Run & swim

This is obviously subject to change. I'm just going to focus on running and swimming for the first week and I might reintroduce the gym again then. I actually went for a walk in the woods today after work, which I was really pleased with. I was tired but really felt the benefit of some 'forest bathing'. Where did this phrase appear out of? Lol.

Anyway, let's give it a lash Jack. I'll be back tomorrow to report on food and if I reached my exercise goals. Obviously, I'm not restricting my food, but I think I will naturally start eating better anyway as I get into it. I am a bit worried about the smoking, but that is tomorrow's issue. None today, which is good.
 
That's great that you were able to talk it out with the boss!
Emilyrose said:
Or end up wearing only muumuus. *shudder*
Click to expand...
Fun fact: Mumu (pronounced the way you'd pronounce muumuu) is a very stupid German word for vagina.
Best of luck with the new plan!
 
Thanks guys.

The plan didn't really go to plan. I did cook dinner for the first time in a while and I made up my lunch for tomorrow, so that's something. Lots of DRAMA! in the office today, I wasn't the root cause really, my circle around myself is working very well. I've had a productive week and I haven't allowed myself to get emotionally triggered by the chaos that surrounds me. I genuinely do want a good relationship with the people that I work with and live with - not friends I've chosen, but people that life has thrown me together with. I don't want anyone to feel like I'm not supporting them or wanting the best for them. I genuinely do, but I can't take on all their 'stuff' and make myself unhappy because of it. I think I'm a lot more emotionally mature than I used to be - long way to go, but I am making some progress.

Anyway, PLAN is back on for the weekend. Not meeting SG till next weekend, so have some time to myself to focus on all the health stuff. No exercise today, cooked dinner instead and then felt too tired to do any more. Tennis for the next 4 days in a row - nice to get a 2 day break at the same time.
 
Em as you get older it's easier not to carry other people's stuff . It's taken me longer to get better at it but it's very liberating .
An exercise break can be a good thing , enjoy the tennis later
 
Thanks to you both. I've done extremely well this week to not be lit on fire by anything that has happened. My mood has been very well-balanced and I am pleased with that. I don't always find that easy.

Sometimes it is tricky to post on here. I don't want to be too open and honest because I want to maintain some form of anonymity. I just think if I say too much about my personal life, or where I live, or post pictures of myself, I will start to naturally edit, because I won't want my posts to be found by a potential future employer, etc. I guess I just want to be as honest as I can be on here with regards to my struggles with food, without feeling like someone will stumble on it and figure out who I am. It's a tough one, because I would love to say more sometimes. I feel like I am rarely the sum of all of my parts in any area of my life. Maybe everyone is like that. Maybe that is the only way to survive this world.

I watched a documentary on Anne Frank last night on Netflix. Wow. I remember reading her book when I was 10 or 11, and I don't think I really understood much about the concentration camps and the nightmare that it all entailed, but I loved her writing and I really felt a connection with her. I longed to have a 'Peter' also. I think it's inevitable when you read about something like that - you start to wonder how you would cope in that kind of situation. I mean, I have so little control over my eating habits - how could I survive on a bowl of watery soup and a tiny bit of bread day after day after day, probably after burning a huge amount of calories from all the manual labour they had to do?

It makes me really ashamed of the amount I consume, if I'm honest. Not that I think starving yourself in empathy with other people's suffering is a good idea. But I guess I'm thinking about all the waste all my purchases create - those cups of coffee, bars of chocolate, rolls - all the shit I really don't need. I am taking more than my fair share.

There was another interesting aspect to it - Anne and her family were in hiding for two years, their own version of 'lockdown', when they couldn't leave the house. In lockdown here, I always had the option of a daily walk at the very least. They couldn't go anywhere for TWO YEARS. The resilience of people always astounds me. It makes me realise how truly easy I have had it. I know coronavirus is a bad thing, but it's not a Nazi searching for you, looking to pluck you out and send you on a train to the ultimate hell on earth.

Anyway, those are my crazy thoughts for the evening. I have been drinking wine. Also a version of hell on earth for me. But I will get to grips with this madness, I will.
 
I must reread her diary. It has been such a long time since I last did.
I also think it’s time I revisited hunger.
I used to worry much more about my diary, but it’s too late now. It’s good for me.
Have a great weekend Em xo
 
Em I know I share very little here as I have the same thoughts as you . However I suppose future employers won't be looking you up on a weight loss forum . Lol.

How weird I have just posted in my diary that I feel right now the main thing I can control is my food consumption,

I have been to visit the house where Anne Frank lived for those 2 years . It was such an interesting visit .

I read a sign recently in light of all of us Irish and English basically ignoring our government rules . It was along the lines of
" where would be now if all the Londoners decided to turn the lights on in the blitz , how many people would not be alive today "
I know we not at war but I thought a good point !

Have a good weekend xo
 
- Thanks Cate. I want to reread it as well.
- That's alright LaMa. :)
- Thanks Petal. They probably won't, haha.

Exciting day today. Italian guy is back! I actually wasn't even sure he was still in the club, but he was there when I arrived for my second game of the day today, looking really attractive in an all-black ensemble. He was playing in the court next to mine, and at one point, he took his top off for what I feel was an extended period of time. I am going to take that as his version of a mating call. Lol. Hopefully, I will get to chat to him soon.

I went on a little adventure this evening and drove nearly an hour and a half to a country cinema just for a change of air. On the drive down, there was a TED talk on the radio station about mental health, which was really interesting and kept me entertained. They mentioned a book called The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon which I am going to order online I think.

The film I went to see was a New Zealand film called Savage which was absolutely brilliant. I related to the main character far too much, even though he was a violent gang member. But he was kind of stuck in a rut because of childhood trauma, and sometimes I think that has happened to me. I really liked it.

On the drive home, there was an hour of a really nice mix of music, so I had a great day.

I'm a bit sore from tennis - I'm kind of limping around the place and my right hip is not feeling too good. It's all part of it I guess. I had two games today, which probably took their toll. I really need a good rest tonight for lots of repair and restoration. No wine though, so that's something!! By the second game today, I'd got the hangover from last night out of my system, but I've decided that if I don't stop drinking like this starting right now, I am going to book an appointment with a doctor/therapist. And I don't want to do that, so no drinking it is! And no smoking. The next few days might be hard.
 
Determination can get you far, especially if you have strategies in place to still get yourself whatever cigarettes and wine were giving you.
 
Hey Emily, just trying to catch up on friends like you. Are you still working the Fat Blast thing? Seems a good plan. I am happy to see you are still into the tennis, great exercise.

I think it is important to understand things like the Ann Frank story, holocaust things, to remind ourselves of what we humans are capable of. For westerners it is easy to see ourselves as too enlightened to commit atrocities. However the Nazis and their supporters were people much like us, educated, "civilized", and should have known better. Only circumstances separated them from us. I think understanding that is important, helps keep it from happening again.

Not drinking never hurt anyone, best of luck with it.
 
- Thanks LaMa.
- Yeah, it was actually a bit ropey driving on bad and windy Irish roads for an hour Petal! Holding up the locals behind me, haha. But it was good for me to explore the world a little bit.
- Oh God Rob, Fat Blast is just... I don't know what I'm doing really. Food today was okay, but I just can't seem to tap into the magic that makes you do things, despite hating every minute of it. And then you start to really enjoy it. I don't know quite what I'm waiting for. I need to just get my act together and start. It's the action, not the thought, that gets you there, which you have proved so, so well. And been honest about not always feeling like it.

Well, I kind of had a great day today. Two very good things happened.

1) I went for a swim at lunchtime today, after having a really nice morning at home, just making breakfast, coffee from the cafetiere, listening to Gabby Logan on BBC2. Nothing too taxing whatsoever. Anyway, I parked the car and there is a little walk down to the pool next to a park. A cute guy came around the corner holding a guitar and said hello to me, and I said hi back. Then he turned around to look back at me and was all like, 'How are you today?' with a big smile on his face, and I said I was good and smiled back, and then walked on. Haha. It was a nice little boost. I mean, I am 30 pounds overweight, so it was nice to feel like I'm not completely invisible at the very least. So that was one thing.

2) So... I had tennis organised for 5pm today. I parked the car, and lo and behold, who was standing at the bench outside the tennis court on his own when I wandered up but... Hot Italian Guy! If that is not manifestation work at its finest, I don't know what is. (I am a big believer in that, by the way.) Anyway, I actually got to talk to him. He was nice! I think maybe a little bit serious, I don't know. He said he hasn't been playing for 3 months cos he was in Italy for 6 weeks and he injured his shoulder. He's only just back. He's been playing tennis for about a year and he really loves it.

When I was talking to him, he was doing a lot of moving of his arm and stretching, which I'm taking as a good thing. I guess I am quite deluded cos I always think every guy I like is interested in me, but I definitely think he's curious at the very least. He reminds me of a Portuguese guy I went on a few dates with a few years ago, and that really didn't work out in the end, but anyway... I don't even know if he's single, so there's no point getting invested until I know that much at least. To be honest, life is so boring right now, it's great to just get a little boost from seeing him at the courts at the very least. I guess time will tell if anything will happen.

And don't feel too sorry for SG, he was trawling through a dating app this morning, so he's not sitting at home pining for me, not one bit! I just want someone who would sit at home and pine for me. I need that in the man I end up with. They have to be really certain. And so do I.

But anyway, not bad for a Sunday I think. There's life in the old dog yet.

I really wanted to go for a swim in the morning but it's booked out, so annoying. I have a drama meetup tomorrow night, nervous about it because of coronavirus and all that, but the show must go on! Will aim to be asleep by 10, as it's a busy week ahead.
 
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