- Thanks LaMa. It was only okay.
- Yeah, it was nice to see him Amy. She had motor neurone disease actually, which is just horrendous. He's a really lovely chap.
- Thank you Petal.
- I did not know that Rob! Ha. Update below. You might regret asking for it, hahaha.
So, had a meeting with my boss yesterday and the altercation with Regina, as I will now call her, was brought up again. And of course, now I'm upset about it all over again.
Basically, she was really disgusted with the way Regina insinuated that the only reason I had a problem with her was because I was jealous of her, and she just thought that was a really bad attitude to have when you're all meant to be working as a team. So she spoke to her about it, and Regina stuck to her story that because she's strong, confident and good-looking, I have with a problem with her. My boss was having none of it and just told her that the way she spoke to me in that meeting (in a condescending, rude manner) was not to happen again and that attitude was not something she wanted to see in her office. Which was a fantastic win for me, and also it showed that my boss is not like that herself, which makes me respect her so much more.
But the sad part is that the whole thing has made me feel kind of... worthless? Like, am I not strong? Confident? Good-looking? And also, there is this horrible whisper in that back of my mind that if I was thin like Regina is, she wouldn't say those things or think those things about me. Isn't that really sad? And 'being fat' is an excuse I have definitely used in my head in the past as a reason for people not liking me or things going wrong, and maybe I'm scared to not be fat anymore, because people probably still won't like me and obviously, things will still go wrong, and I won't be able to pretend it's because I'm fat anymore.
This will probably make me sound as stuck-up as Regina is, but I guess in life, I've always gotten compliments for my looks and my brains and heaps of other things, even when I was feeling worthless on the inside myself. I mean, I had a tough time in school, but since then, it's really been plain sailing. Even when I was binge eating and drinking copious amounts of alcohol on my own and really feeling terrible, I always had people tell me I was pretty and say really nice things about me.
And obviously, my weight has been an issue, and I have got comments on that, some well-meaning I really believe, but overall, people have been very nice to me. Even in my first job, I never thought I seemed that sure of myself or on top of things, and when I met an old colleague a couple of years ago and told him I really felt confident for the first time in what I was doing, he looked surprised, and said I'd always come across as confident to him.
So, from comments like that, I thought I was coming across in a positive way. Or maybe in the way I'd like to come across. But this stuff from Regina has made me feel absolutely shit. It's made me start to reassess my whole personality, my looks, everything. There's an element of me that feels I'm not measuring up. There's an element of me that wants to get into shape for all the wrong reasons. I still take way too much of my self-esteem from other people's perception of me. And when that perception is critical or negative, I find it very hard to cope.
For example, Regina, the boss and I went on a work trip last year, and my boss kept admiring Regina and telling her how gorgeous she was, and I was just sitting there feeling unbelieveably ugly and it made me feel crap. I didn't feel jealous of Regina per se - I just kind of felt sad that I was being sidelined. Anyway, while we were on the trip, there was an Italian guy mad after me, so then I didn't feel so ugly anymore. Maybe if he hadn't been there, I would have taken it worse. But I guess I do want people to think I'm pretty all the time, and when they don't say that or think someone else is better, I feel bad.
I know, these are the most pathetic problems of all time, but I'm trying to be honest here, and also trying to wrap my head around how I am going to move on from this.
We're meant to be going on a work trip tomorrow and Regina has called in sick to avoid going and spending 6 hours in a car with me, which suits me fine, but is also kind of pathetic. But anyway, she dug this hole for herself all on her own. If she hadn't made that stupid fucking remark, the whole thing would have been forgotten about by now.
I'm not doing well with food, exercise or smoking right now. I did go to yoga last night, so I guess that was something. I have Friday off though and all social events are starting to be cancelled, so it's a great opportunity for me to get back into gear again while I have the time to fill.
I just need to be a person that can stand on her own two feet and feel content without needing praise and admiration from everyone. It's hard. It's really, really hard. But I'm going to have to keep trying. Sometimes I think I only do certain things and act a certain way because I know people will like me for it. Is that being true to oneself? I sometimes don't know.
A lot of my problems with food etc. all stem from this insecurity and it's ruining my life. I don't want to be obsessed with eating for the rest of my life. I am sick and tired of it. It's draining so much of my energy and it's all fucking nonsense. How do I stop?
and 
Em. Enjoy your weekend, hon xo
