Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Thanks LaMa.
Been a while since I dropped in. Things are more or less the same, just didn’t feel like writing.
I visited my college friend today and met her 1-year-old son for the first time. He was adorable. He was shy around me at first, but soon he was grabbing my hand and getting me to throw a toy rat and a foam ball to him. The best was when he motioned for me to sit down in a chair, gave me the Gruffalo book, and reached his hands up for me to pull him into my lap and read to him. I was genuinely moved.
My friend said he doesn’t generally take to people so quickly. I decided that I want my own one. Haha. Ah no, but it was eye-opening. Probably because I don’t have siblings, I have less interaction with kids than a lot of other people my age, and I think I would love being a mum. It was great.
At the same time, not yet.
Went for a swim in a 50 metre pool today, loved it, I adore swimming. Had a massive coughing fit after lap 3. Generally only notice the effects of my smoking habit in the pool, loads of phlegm comes up because of the lung work. Today was the first day I ever found it hard to breathe while that was happening. It was a bit of a wake-up call.
In general, I am feeling happy right now. Reading a good thriller called ‘The Hunting Party’ by Lucy Foley. Not the best writing in the world but it’s a sort of modern day Agatha Christie, which is right up my street.
Food has been bad, genuinely hungry this week because of very low energy levels, don’t know why I’m so tired, but will sleep in tomorrow and start anew. Will catch up on diaries now.
Been a while since I dropped in. Things are more or less the same, just didn’t feel like writing.
I visited my college friend today and met her 1-year-old son for the first time. He was adorable. He was shy around me at first, but soon he was grabbing my hand and getting me to throw a toy rat and a foam ball to him. The best was when he motioned for me to sit down in a chair, gave me the Gruffalo book, and reached his hands up for me to pull him into my lap and read to him. I was genuinely moved.
My friend said he doesn’t generally take to people so quickly. I decided that I want my own one. Haha. Ah no, but it was eye-opening. Probably because I don’t have siblings, I have less interaction with kids than a lot of other people my age, and I think I would love being a mum. It was great.
At the same time, not yet.
Went for a swim in a 50 metre pool today, loved it, I adore swimming. Had a massive coughing fit after lap 3. Generally only notice the effects of my smoking habit in the pool, loads of phlegm comes up because of the lung work. Today was the first day I ever found it hard to breathe while that was happening. It was a bit of a wake-up call.
In general, I am feeling happy right now. Reading a good thriller called ‘The Hunting Party’ by Lucy Foley. Not the best writing in the world but it’s a sort of modern day Agatha Christie, which is right up my street.
Food has been bad, genuinely hungry this week because of very low energy levels, don’t know why I’m so tired, but will sleep in tomorrow and start anew. Will catch up on diaries now.
Haha, yeah, messing around and reading to him was all the fun and easy stuff! Still, I definitely think I'd be able for it.
Finished my book, it was only okay. A page-turner but maybe not the best story of all time. I read in the acknowledgements that she's already sold the film rights. I wonder how much people get paid for that. Is it more lucrative than selling the actual book?
I think I would like to become a writer at some point. I'm just too lazy to put in the work right now. That seems to be my attitude towards everything.
I feel very good inside myself at the moment. I'm still struggling a bit but I also feel like I'm figuring things out, getting closer to finding ways to live my life that will make me happy. I'm viewing a house this evening, I am kind of excited about it. I really want to move out of home again and get back to being a real adult. I am never going to move home again (bar some catastrophe). I just need to learn how to stand on my own too feet a bit more.
It's raining here today, extremely miserable out. Will go for a shower soon, maybe watch a film. Planning a swim in the morning. Yoga tomorrow evening. Nothing else to say really, so I'll go.
Finished my book, it was only okay. A page-turner but maybe not the best story of all time. I read in the acknowledgements that she's already sold the film rights. I wonder how much people get paid for that. Is it more lucrative than selling the actual book?
I think I would like to become a writer at some point. I'm just too lazy to put in the work right now. That seems to be my attitude towards everything.
I feel very good inside myself at the moment. I'm still struggling a bit but I also feel like I'm figuring things out, getting closer to finding ways to live my life that will make me happy. I'm viewing a house this evening, I am kind of excited about it. I really want to move out of home again and get back to being a real adult. I am never going to move home again (bar some catastrophe). I just need to learn how to stand on my own too feet a bit more.
It's raining here today, extremely miserable out. Will go for a shower soon, maybe watch a film. Planning a swim in the morning. Yoga tomorrow evening. Nothing else to say really, so I'll go.
I picked up Fat is a Feminist Issue yesterday by Susie Orbach, it's fantastic. So much of what she talks about resonates with me. I've begun to reexamine my disordered thought processes that centre around food and I'm working on demolishing my false belief system. This, of course, will take time. But I feel like I'm making strides already.
Some of the stuff that she talks about in the book that struck a chord:
- The false belief that if I get to my optimal weight, life will be perfect. Everyone will love me and nothing will ever go wrong again.
- There are good foods and bad foods; food is bad, food is the enemy; I no longer enjoy eating.
- Gaining weight to avoid sex.
- Not feeling like my body is mine, but actually everybody else's, either to admire, scrutinise, emulate, mock, etc. This is a very important one. I want to own my body again.
- I never really thought about the fact that I am allowed to be angry and unsatisfied with my life. I think I use food to try to chomp away those emotions, that unhappiness, that anger. And I actually don't need to do that. I can be angry and pissed off if things haven't turned out the way I want to. I don't have to continuously put on a happy face. Who am I trying to fool? Because all I'm doing is damaging myself in the process.
Anyway, if you are looking to figure out the reasons behind weight gain and compulsive eating, I highly recommend it.
Orbach recommends forgetting about plans, diets, etc and try to start tapping into what the body wants again and eat when you feel hungry. Forget about the good and bad foods, just eat what you want, but as a response to physical hunger and not emotional.
I'm going to list what I ate today, not in a way to say whether it was bad or good, but just to get an understanding of how I was feeling today and what I ended up having when I was 'free' to have anything.
- 10 almonds, banana, blueberry yoghurt, mandarin, 10 grapes
- twix bar 50 g, cheese and onion crisps 35 g
- coffee and milk, tea and milk, tea+, vanilla chai tea, revitalise tea, tulsi tea
- salad of celery, spinach, tomatoes, peppers, tuna, cucumber, avocado, slice of brown bread and butter
- roast lamb, mushroom gravy, carrots, broccoli, kale, boiled potato
- 2 cream crackers with butter and white cheddar cheese
I think that's it for the night, not sure. I could eat more, if I'm being honest. I'm not going to give myself a hard time about this, I'm just going to sit and process it.
Didn't do any exercise today, also didn't smoke.
Some of the stuff that she talks about in the book that struck a chord:
- The false belief that if I get to my optimal weight, life will be perfect. Everyone will love me and nothing will ever go wrong again.
- There are good foods and bad foods; food is bad, food is the enemy; I no longer enjoy eating.
- Gaining weight to avoid sex.
- Not feeling like my body is mine, but actually everybody else's, either to admire, scrutinise, emulate, mock, etc. This is a very important one. I want to own my body again.
- I never really thought about the fact that I am allowed to be angry and unsatisfied with my life. I think I use food to try to chomp away those emotions, that unhappiness, that anger. And I actually don't need to do that. I can be angry and pissed off if things haven't turned out the way I want to. I don't have to continuously put on a happy face. Who am I trying to fool? Because all I'm doing is damaging myself in the process.
Anyway, if you are looking to figure out the reasons behind weight gain and compulsive eating, I highly recommend it.
Orbach recommends forgetting about plans, diets, etc and try to start tapping into what the body wants again and eat when you feel hungry. Forget about the good and bad foods, just eat what you want, but as a response to physical hunger and not emotional.
I'm going to list what I ate today, not in a way to say whether it was bad or good, but just to get an understanding of how I was feeling today and what I ended up having when I was 'free' to have anything.
- 10 almonds, banana, blueberry yoghurt, mandarin, 10 grapes
- twix bar 50 g, cheese and onion crisps 35 g
- coffee and milk, tea and milk, tea+, vanilla chai tea, revitalise tea, tulsi tea
- salad of celery, spinach, tomatoes, peppers, tuna, cucumber, avocado, slice of brown bread and butter
- roast lamb, mushroom gravy, carrots, broccoli, kale, boiled potato
- 2 cream crackers with butter and white cheddar cheese
I think that's it for the night, not sure. I could eat more, if I'm being honest. I'm not going to give myself a hard time about this, I'm just going to sit and process it.
Didn't do any exercise today, also didn't smoke.
PLB
Moderator
Sounds like a great book! I like that the author examines all the things that you listed above, especially regarding not viewing food as good or bad and about how one can feel like their body belongs to others. Have you ever heard of Jameela Jamil? She is an actor on the show The Good Place... You might like her Instagram/Twitter accounts. She recently started an Instagram community called @i_weigh, which is meant for people to start taking back ownership of their own bodies and "for us to feel valuable and see how amazing we are beyond the flesh on our bones." She's literally attempting to call out the entire weight loss industry for making people feel bad about themselves and then trying to sell really horrible products with false promises.
I like that you're trying not to put too much pressure on yourself and just analyzing your feelings about food. I hope it works for you!
I like that you're trying not to put too much pressure on yourself and just analyzing your feelings about food. I hope it works for you!
Thanks PLB, I have heard of her, but maybe ignored her viewpoint because she's so beautiful and very thin.
It was day 2 of the lamb, better the day before, but still tasty!
The book has been a real eye-opener - it's encouraging me to read more books in a similar vein. Although, I did read a book about female anorexia when I was in my early 20s, and the author talked about how her food issue developed into an alcohol issue and surprise! - that's what happened to me (and now that I'm drinking less, my weight has gone up again). So maybe these books end up giving people ideas. I don't know.
I considered joining a gym recently, and on their website, they had a free nutrition handbook. I read some of it this morning before work. It's all about how carbs are bad, blah blah. Well, not bad, but it really focuses on only eating starchy carbs (i.e. anything that gives your stomach a sense of fullness in any way) after training. Probably limit it on non-training days. I recognise that this is how bodybuilders get to be bodybuilders. I guess I am angry about having such an emotional connection to food.
I think Orbach's book was really interesting for me because it was like a shovel digging into the hard ground. Loads of ideas and emotions and memories have been unleashed for me. Not in a painful way. I am examining them like a scientist in a laboratory. I am learning. I am framing things differently. Intellectually, I know I am an absolute dope, and that is also difficult.
GUILT. Do any of you experience it? GUILT at not feeling good, despite loads of money (in relative terms), good looks, teeth, loving parents, intelligence, being born a white European, blah blah. This guilt at not being allowed to be unhappy almost. Fuck that.
I want to feel a hell of a lot more. My mother told me tonight I was looking really well. High praise indeed. I have not been exercising, I have not been eating ''right'', but I do feel the mental gymnastics might be paying off for me. I might be easing the tension slightly. I might be getting back to being free.
It was day 2 of the lamb, better the day before, but still tasty!
The book has been a real eye-opener - it's encouraging me to read more books in a similar vein. Although, I did read a book about female anorexia when I was in my early 20s, and the author talked about how her food issue developed into an alcohol issue and surprise! - that's what happened to me (and now that I'm drinking less, my weight has gone up again). So maybe these books end up giving people ideas. I don't know.
I considered joining a gym recently, and on their website, they had a free nutrition handbook. I read some of it this morning before work. It's all about how carbs are bad, blah blah. Well, not bad, but it really focuses on only eating starchy carbs (i.e. anything that gives your stomach a sense of fullness in any way) after training. Probably limit it on non-training days. I recognise that this is how bodybuilders get to be bodybuilders. I guess I am angry about having such an emotional connection to food.
I think Orbach's book was really interesting for me because it was like a shovel digging into the hard ground. Loads of ideas and emotions and memories have been unleashed for me. Not in a painful way. I am examining them like a scientist in a laboratory. I am learning. I am framing things differently. Intellectually, I know I am an absolute dope, and that is also difficult.
GUILT. Do any of you experience it? GUILT at not feeling good, despite loads of money (in relative terms), good looks, teeth, loving parents, intelligence, being born a white European, blah blah. This guilt at not being allowed to be unhappy almost. Fuck that.
I want to feel a hell of a lot more. My mother told me tonight I was looking really well. High praise indeed. I have not been exercising, I have not been eating ''right'', but I do feel the mental gymnastics might be paying off for me. I might be easing the tension slightly. I might be getting back to being free.
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PLB
Moderator
Hey Emilyrose
It sounds like you've been doing a lot of work and I hope that it all works out for you. I imagine it will take time, but just keep chipping away at it! I always wish I could tell people that there is some sort of easy solution out there, but everyone is just so different. The things that "click" for one person, might not hold any meaning whatsoever for someone else. It's so frustrating, but I'm glad you've found something that you've connected with and is helpful for you!
I agree Jameela is very beautiful, but it sounds like she has not always been thin and has struggled with her own relationship with food and her body for quite some time. I mention her because she tries to constantly remind people to try to remember the positives about themselves, and not focus so much on the scale.
I like that you're feeling that your tension is easing... Keep it up, it seems to be working!
It sounds like you've been doing a lot of work and I hope that it all works out for you. I imagine it will take time, but just keep chipping away at it! I always wish I could tell people that there is some sort of easy solution out there, but everyone is just so different. The things that "click" for one person, might not hold any meaning whatsoever for someone else. It's so frustrating, but I'm glad you've found something that you've connected with and is helpful for you!
I agree Jameela is very beautiful, but it sounds like she has not always been thin and has struggled with her own relationship with food and her body for quite some time. I mention her because she tries to constantly remind people to try to remember the positives about themselves, and not focus so much on the scale.
I like that you're feeling that your tension is easing... Keep it up, it seems to be working!
PLB
Moderator
A while back Dr Jen Gunter had a post up about Jameela Jamil calling out... a Kardasian, I think, for promoting weightloss lollipops that have diarrhea as a known side-effect. I had some laughs
I love that you also follow Dr. Gunter. It's great that people who know what they are talking about are finally more willing to speak out against all the internet quackery. And ya, both her and Jameela are pretty blunt!
I read up a bit more about Jameela, seems like a cool person. Glad she’s trying to help women feel good about their bodies. I didn’t realise she struggled, I remember her from presenting on MTV or one of those back in the day.
Went to see Eighth Grade last night, I could not recommend it highly enough. I was crying for a lot of it, brought up a lot of repressed emotions in me. Which is what I need. Get the bad stuff out!! I was even crying on my way into work this morning - no reason, just a general feeling of sadness. It felt really good to cry. And luckily, I got my shit together when I got to work.
Other than the tears, things are going fantastically well for me. Got a raise in work, found a new place to live, going on two cool work conferences in the next few months, and lots of other good things happening here and there. I had a talk with my mum the other day about some of my disappointments in life so far, and she was just really great.
I am super busy at the moment, which is good for me also. I like having a project and lots of things going on. So on a bit of a roll right now I guess you could say!
Went to see Eighth Grade last night, I could not recommend it highly enough. I was crying for a lot of it, brought up a lot of repressed emotions in me. Which is what I need. Get the bad stuff out!! I was even crying on my way into work this morning - no reason, just a general feeling of sadness. It felt really good to cry. And luckily, I got my shit together when I got to work.
Other than the tears, things are going fantastically well for me. Got a raise in work, found a new place to live, going on two cool work conferences in the next few months, and lots of other good things happening here and there. I had a talk with my mum the other day about some of my disappointments in life so far, and she was just really great.
I am super busy at the moment, which is good for me also. I like having a project and lots of things going on. So on a bit of a roll right now I guess you could say!
That´s so great to hear!
- Thanks LaMa.
- Cate, no, I'm living with one other person for now, but she has another house with her partner, so she's only popping in and out. There will be someone else moving in at the end of the month. It's my own space for the moment, which is great.
- Thanks PLB. Definitely check out the film. I loved it anyway.
I'm in my job two years today. This is a snippet of what I posted here this day two years ago. I'm just laughing reading back on it as there is one guy in the office now and he's my absolute favourite. And it's nice to see that the job did work out.
Visited a new gym today, thinking of leaving the other one as I am just not going, basically throwing money down the drain every month. In this new place, you buy a pack of classes, it's a little bit more expensive, but not really when you consider that whatever you spend, you will actually get the use out of.
I moved house last week, loving it, my new housemate is sound, and it's so convenient for work/shopping/life in general. I'm trying to make things easier for myself to keep on track and in a good routine. Routine is everything to me.
I have something cool coming up in 6 weeks time. My health has taken a bit of a nosedive recently so that is going to be a major focus for the next bit. I mean, it always is, but I am actually going to take action to get things moving again. My body isn't exactly fantastic right now, but it's fine. I haven't given up hope yet and that is the main thing.
- Cate, no, I'm living with one other person for now, but she has another house with her partner, so she's only popping in and out. There will be someone else moving in at the end of the month. It's my own space for the moment, which is great.
- Thanks PLB. Definitely check out the film. I loved it anyway.
I'm in my job two years today. This is a snippet of what I posted here this day two years ago. I'm just laughing reading back on it as there is one guy in the office now and he's my absolute favourite. And it's nice to see that the job did work out.
Visited a new gym today, thinking of leaving the other one as I am just not going, basically throwing money down the drain every month. In this new place, you buy a pack of classes, it's a little bit more expensive, but not really when you consider that whatever you spend, you will actually get the use out of.
I moved house last week, loving it, my new housemate is sound, and it's so convenient for work/shopping/life in general. I'm trying to make things easier for myself to keep on track and in a good routine. Routine is everything to me.
I have something cool coming up in 6 weeks time. My health has taken a bit of a nosedive recently so that is going to be a major focus for the next bit. I mean, it always is, but I am actually going to take action to get things moving again. My body isn't exactly fantastic right now, but it's fine. I haven't given up hope yet and that is the main thing.
Hi all.
And now, a song:
God, what a song. Love her.
As for me, I had a really great day. I had a lovely chat with colleagues in work today, went for lunch with two of them, then went for drinks with a completely different gang who I love for different reasons.
The Honesty Corner:
I got into work today after getting lonely and depressed last night and drinking a bottle of wine to myself. Why did I drink the wine? Low self-esteem. Always low self-esteem. Can you be narcissistic and also have low self-esteem? I have got it down to a fine art.
I'm also really invested in a relationship that has no future. I mean, I get so much out of this friendship, but it's just not enough for me, and it is really breaking my heart. I mean, if I had one.
Back to Honesty Corner. When I got in, there was a woman that was a hardcore alcoholic talking for a while on the radio and I was super-paranoid, 'Does everyone think this is me?' I related so much to what she was saying, it was frankly terrifying, coupled with my red face and exhaustion from lack of proper sleep.
I sometimes go through my day and think that I am living in a waking nightmare. This is because of choices I've made that have led me to here.
I also think I am at the stage where my free pass is gone and all of my 'friends' think I'm gay because I'm never in a relationship or that I'm an alcoholic or that I am no longer worthy of effort on their part or all of the above. I'm really sad about that. I think I am so involved in trying to control other people's perception of me that it has blown up in my face, to the point where it has become so warped from the person that I actually am. I feel nervous and completely out of sorts. Well, not this evening, because my new gang don't know me or expect anything of me and we actually just talk, and no one has to have a boyfriend or mortgage or anything else. They are just there, we chat, we listen.
I have this major event that will happen whether I change things around or not, so I guess it's time to change things around. Get exercising, cut out the booze, sugar and cigs, and I think in 5 weeks, I will look 5 times better. And not allow other people pull my strings so much.
And now, a song:
God, what a song. Love her.
As for me, I had a really great day. I had a lovely chat with colleagues in work today, went for lunch with two of them, then went for drinks with a completely different gang who I love for different reasons.
The Honesty Corner:
I got into work today after getting lonely and depressed last night and drinking a bottle of wine to myself. Why did I drink the wine? Low self-esteem. Always low self-esteem. Can you be narcissistic and also have low self-esteem? I have got it down to a fine art.
I'm also really invested in a relationship that has no future. I mean, I get so much out of this friendship, but it's just not enough for me, and it is really breaking my heart. I mean, if I had one.
Back to Honesty Corner. When I got in, there was a woman that was a hardcore alcoholic talking for a while on the radio and I was super-paranoid, 'Does everyone think this is me?' I related so much to what she was saying, it was frankly terrifying, coupled with my red face and exhaustion from lack of proper sleep.
I sometimes go through my day and think that I am living in a waking nightmare. This is because of choices I've made that have led me to here.
I also think I am at the stage where my free pass is gone and all of my 'friends' think I'm gay because I'm never in a relationship or that I'm an alcoholic or that I am no longer worthy of effort on their part or all of the above. I'm really sad about that. I think I am so involved in trying to control other people's perception of me that it has blown up in my face, to the point where it has become so warped from the person that I actually am. I feel nervous and completely out of sorts. Well, not this evening, because my new gang don't know me or expect anything of me and we actually just talk, and no one has to have a boyfriend or mortgage or anything else. They are just there, we chat, we listen.
I have this major event that will happen whether I change things around or not, so I guess it's time to change things around. Get exercising, cut out the booze, sugar and cigs, and I think in 5 weeks, I will look 5 times better. And not allow other people pull my strings so much.
It might help to stop bashing yourself. People who get put down by their loved ones all the time are bound to get low self esteem, now imagine what happens if YOU put yourself down all the time.
You’re right LaMa. I’m working on it.
Beautiful day here today. Went for an hour long walk into the city to a really nice cafe for a brunch of coffee and oat pancakes, loads of fruit, creme fraiche and caramel sauce. Yes, it was as good as it sounds.
Didn’t want to walk all the way home again so waited for the bus for nearly an hour, didn’t show, so took a different bus that would bring me a bit closer, but still did another 45 minutes I’d say. Steps are up to 20,143.
Bought stuff for a chicken stir fry, don’t really feel like making it now. Bit bored today, might watch a movie or something now and have an early night. Back to the gym tomorrow - weights class straight after work - I need to get back into it!
Walked around in a dress today, had my milk bottle legs on display, felt a bit self-conscious, but it was nice to give them some air!
Beautiful day here today. Went for an hour long walk into the city to a really nice cafe for a brunch of coffee and oat pancakes, loads of fruit, creme fraiche and caramel sauce. Yes, it was as good as it sounds.
Didn’t want to walk all the way home again so waited for the bus for nearly an hour, didn’t show, so took a different bus that would bring me a bit closer, but still did another 45 minutes I’d say. Steps are up to 20,143.
Bought stuff for a chicken stir fry, don’t really feel like making it now. Bit bored today, might watch a movie or something now and have an early night. Back to the gym tomorrow - weights class straight after work - I need to get back into it!
Walked around in a dress today, had my milk bottle legs on display, felt a bit self-conscious, but it was nice to give them some air!