Emily Rose: The Reboot

So this is a random suggestion, but while you are trying to kick the wine... have you thought of switching to the lower calorie (also lighter alcohol volume) in the interim on days you can't go without? Because I'm such a light weight if I'm in a situation where I am absolutely required to drink (usually around my inlaws) I grab a bottle of something called Yellowglen Jewel, the whole bottle is just shy of 300 calories instead of a typical 600ish for regular wine and it's a bit lighter on the alcohol %. I mean a bottle will knock me on my ass because I drink like once every year or so but maybe it'll be enough to hit your craving but won't do as much damage to your diet and you'll be less likely to lose control. The diet versions honestly don't taste so bad either. I also like low carb clear cider at around 120cals a bottle. Just if you absolutely fewl like you need something it might hit the craving and get that relaxed feeling without blowing out your diet and giving you a hangover.

Sorry if I'm rambling, got anxiety meds kicking in and I feel a bit woo lol.

Also with the smoking, have you thought about vaping to ween yourself off tobacco? I know a lot of these habits are for comfort so maybe weening that way might help you in breaking the habit too.

Ignore all the above if its not welcome advice hahaha.

Your week plan looks really good too, I really feel like this post again was more positive than the last week or so I've seen from you. I'm truly happy you're in a better headspace, when your outlook is positive self care and sticking to goals is so much easier.
 
Alao if you're on reddit, r/loseit is a great community of people of all sizes and walks of life trying to lose weight, and r/progresspics is super motivating. Also r/xxloseit and r/xxfitness (though they really seem to push weight lifting above all, a lot of people do talk about running and yoga though).

If you're after low calorie recipe suggestions or food inspo r/1200isplenty and r/1500isplenty too. A heap of people post full days of food or individual recipes.
 
Hi Cate. I did one day. Disaster.

I had a horrible feeling today of being back 'to the way I was before.' Years ago, when I was fresh out of college, 21 or 22, I remember getting the bus home from work and feeling so low and deflated and the only thing that I thought would make me feel better was stopping off at the shop on the way back to my houseshare and grabbing a crazy amount of sweets and eating them all, feeling sick, and going to bed. I didn't even have a smartphone or a laptop at the time, how did I spend my evenings? I think I probably read books (!), wrote in my notebook, I have no idea. Anyway, it's made me realise that the access to entertainment and the phone on tap isn't really the problem. Hmm.

But yeah, I had a few years there, probably when I moved home and worked in my old job, where I had started to shake that feeling. Oh, it was still there, hanging around, I never fully got my diet under control, let's be real, but I didn't feel that sense of gloom and futility anymore. I wasn't entirely happy but I still felt hopeful.

It's not that I don't feel hopeful now (of course I do, I've had wine!), but I think I'm just really in a bad patch. I was thinking today that I only have 5 kg to lose to be back to an 'acceptable' weight. Just a weight where I can wear all of my normal clothes again. And 5 kg really isn't that big of a deal.

That dress I bought at the weekend did not translate well for a whole day in the office, I felt unbelievably uncomfortable all day. It was so annoying. I hate being at this weight, because I actually didn't realise how well my clothes were fitting me, and now they're not. Hence dilemma on the drive home, wine, hibernation, feeling blue.

I think the best thing is just to focus on shaking this 5 kg. I feel like I'll sneeze and I'll be able to lose 1 kg if I just put down the glass. The rest really shouldn't take too long if I make any effort at all.

I'm just going to forget about everything else and just focus on shifting this 5 kg, and then do a re-evaluation.

Starting again tomorrow Cate.

Lucy, thank you so much for your thoughtful posts. I don't really agree with vaping, you've still got that angry monkey on your back, plus I don't want popcorn lung as well as black lung.

I also think the lower % wine will just not satisfy me and I'd probably drink a bottle and then run down to the off license to buy another bottle of the 'real' stuff. I can be all or nothing. But, you know what, I will keep both things under advisement. :)
 
Do what you can Em. I think just trying to do 7 days straight will be an interesting exercise xo
 
Thanks guys.

I'm sitting in bed listening to the rain tapping against the window. I am very tired this evening. Despite the wine, I didn't have that bad of a day. I didn't smoke all day in work. I've been doing that a bit more recently, and I know I could do it every day. I just haven't made the decision to yet. But I'm working on it.

I can't wait to get my hair cut at the weekend, it is so grey and stringy. It just needs a good chop.

I am going to try to get to sleep early and wake up feeling energised and enthused once more. Night.
 
Thanks guys.

Very disappointing day. I lost my cool in work, it's all very embarrassing. There were circumstances and I think it was understandable in some ways, but I don't like bringing a bad atmosphere into the office and I don't like getting cross. I guess I am still learning how to cope with stressful situations without getting really mad. Agh!!!

Anyway, not much I can do about it now, just go in tomorrow relaxed and in good form, just put today behind me. Still, a bit sad this evening. :(
 
I feel truly awful if I get angry. I think it is the worst feeling in the world. It never seems to hurt anyone but me and it really hurts me.
Were things said that you actually regret or will you be able to just put it behind you, without any need to apologise to anyone? Most things are fixable.
 
Oh Cate, today the storm raged on. Things took a major dip today, not really anything to do with yesterday, but work has become a major problem. I am still waiting to hear back from that job I applied to, but if nothing happens with that in the next few weeks, I will be looking for something else.

The only positive is that it has shaken me out of my wine thirst, I am probably grumpy from it so it's banned from now on on work nights.

Going to sleep now and praying for a better day tomorrow.
 
Hi Cate. Thanks so much, it was a bit better.

Okay, so the work thing... basically, I have really upset another team member by a few harsh comments about their work and one stupid comment I made in a meeting. I have thought about my actions over the last few weeks, and I understand the reason they are upset, and obviously, I regret everything. I like to think of myself as kind, decent, and empathetic, but I guess the negative spiral I've been in has started to bleed into my daily life, and this needs to be nipped in the bud pronto.

I've been drinking wine a lot of evenings the last few weeks - I don't know why, I've just gotten into a really negative pattern, a default one from years ago. It is absolutely affecting my mood, and where I work is just not the kind of place you can go into feeling grumpy and tired, because it is quite a pressurising environment and I have a lot to get through every day. So, obviously, I have been harsher in words/tone than I would have been if I were better rested and not hungover. I have to take responsibility for this and own up to it and say, 'I was wrong, I shouldn't have done that'. So, here I am, saying it.

At the same time, it has never been my intention to go around and make someone else feel shit, but unfortunately, that's what has happened. I should have looked for kinder, more supportive ways to get my message across and it probably would not have reached crisis point.

Anyway, to get some positives out of the situation, it's a wake-up call for me on the drinking, completely stopping any work night drinking from this point on, which I've wanted to do anyway, but this is the push I've needed. I believe that this is a nudge from the Universe that I need to stop. And it could have been for far more serious reasons, so there's that.

I'm also thinking about ways I can control my anger, and how it is very important for me to get back into a good exercise routine again so that I can release some of this tension. I kind of have to stop blaming the world and other people for my problems, and do the things that I can do to have a better and more positive experience on this planet.

I am trying, things aren't awfully bad, I can see loads of good things currently and even more on the horizon. I also am not entirely to blame for the work situation, as with everything, loads of things could have been done differently so it hadn't got to this point, and not just by me, but, as I said, blame will get us nowhere.

Despite the above, I had a bit of fun in work today, as I usually do. It was great to go in feeling fresh, got loads of stuff done, and I ended the day on a positive note.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow, let that be the cutoff mark between this (crappy) stage and the next (amazing) one.

I'll leave you with this, the song has nothing to do with my situation, but the title sure does:

 
Good for you, Em. It takes courage to admit that drinking is affecting you adversely. When it affects your workday it really is impacting your life negatively. I still cringe when I think of the responsibility I had in my job in my 20's & the amount of alcohol I consumed, during those years.
Neither of us can change what has happened before, but being more aware & making better decisions, we can do. Not drinking when you have work the next day is a really responsible, smart decision. Exercising is an excellent alternative. I'll be your support team in the background cheering you on.
Have a lovely weekend, Em & go to work on Monday with a clear head & a fresh start xo
 
Thank you so much Cate, your post was lovely and really helped me feel supported.

Today was a very exciting day - I bought a Fitbit. I was buzzing driving home in the car, I couldn't wait to open it and get started. I'm aiming for the recommended 10,000 steps a day. I went for a giant walk this evening and currently stand at 11,043. It was actually a lovely walk, I found a pathway down by the river that I never realised was there, it was a little bit blustery but not cold, and the leaves from the trees were crunching beneath my feet. It really was a beautiful autumn evening.

My cardio fitness levels are fair to average at the moment, so that is something to work on.

It's so much fun though! I love stats.
Like a child at Christmas with a new toy.

I'm thinking of writing a post in a year's time, 'How Walking 10,000 Steps Every Day For a Year Changed My Life.' Let's hope it does.

I'm home tonight with Mum and Dad, both have a lower resting heartbeat than me, which I guess is great! It's nice to be home. I always retreat here when things get a bit too much. I'm lucky to have a safe haven.
 
Feeling very tired today. My period is extremely heavy so that is definitely taking something out of me. I nearly fell asleep listening to the talks in my meditation group earlier.

I had a lovely, nourishing day today. My parents are the best. I also got my steps in. We went for a walk on the beach, it was so revitalising. There were loads of people riding horses on the beach, it was lovely to see. Horses are such majestic animals and it was lovely just to see their hooves splashing in the water.

It's only half 8 but I'm probably going to sleep shortly.
 
Okay, so new plan. I've always gone into these things trying to change 10 things at once, so this time, I am only going to try to change one thing. Every month I am going to think of a new goal to add to it, depending on how the month has gone and what I feel needs to be tackled next and is realistic.

This month is 10,000 steps a day. That's it. I'm on day 3 already. Obviously, I have been exercising all along, but there are days at a time when I get into a black mood and I just give up on it. So, this goal will stop that from happening and also, it's not that difficult a goal to achieve, so it's good as a starting point. I probably only need a 40 minute walk in the evening to reach my goal.

It was raining today, the kind of evening you just want to stay in, but I went out after my dinner, and it wasn't even that wet! I went for a walk around the local lake and looked at the little ducks in the water. I felt good when I came home. That's what it's all about, I guess. Just clearing the head.

My food today was middling, I didn't feel like cooking dinner, so I just had beans on toast. I didn't eat that much sweet things in general I guess.

I'm still not feeling fantastic, but it could be worse. One (or 10,000!) step(s) at a time. :)
 
I've decided to change my plan slightly and add something new every week. Once per month will not be enough. But I am going to make them smaller challenges, and see how it goes. I'll decide next week's challenge on Saturday.

I am shattered tired tonight so I won't say too much more. Tonight was the first night I really struggled to get my steps. I went for a long walk, but had to go for another mini one just before bed to get the ten. I was an hour and a half later in work today, which just goes to show how much that affects things. It was a very challenging work day, but I survived. Pressure is off for the rest of the week.

I'm unexpectedly going to see a play tomorrow night with a lovely friend that I haven't seen in ages. I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to do something midweek for a change.

I'm going to try to get up and go to a spin class in the morning, as I won't have much time for exercise after work. This 10,000 step thing is a real distraction, it's nice to have something else to think about.

Right, that's enough, nightie night.
 
Glad you're loving your Fitbit & that it's a good distraction. I would love to hear about the play :)
 
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