Emily Rose: The Reboot

Weighing in after all the chocolaty things is brave Em. The rest of your day sounded very healthy(except for the cigarettes of course). I know how hard that can be to kick that habit.
36 laps? Wow!
I hope you can find a way of feeling happy with your life, Em. Getting angry is not good for you. You seem to be very much up & down lately. Take good care of yourself & try to be as healthy as you can be xo Cate
 
What Cate said. Balance is hard but worth it, even if you fall down sometimes.
 
cate said:
I hope you can find a way of feeling happy with your life, Em. Getting angry is not good for you.
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I'm going to politely disagree. Sometimes getting angry is necessary and cathartic. I want to be real in this diary, I don't know any of you, and I sometimes feel I have to pretend to be something I'm not, even here! It's crazy. Of course my moods are going to be far more extreme than they are in real life. I'm not going to wander around being pissed off and horrible to everyone I meet, what good can that do? And believe me, when I have been really honest with how I'm feeling with people in the real world, they run away. You are under no obligation to be a booster or source of support for me here, be an antagonist if you want, it's all food for thought. This should be an open forum. But don't tell me how I should be feeling.

I think that's what I'm really troubled about. Being told that this is your life, this is how everybody lives their life, why aren't you doing what we're doing?!

I've made myself sick and ill over it. I've twisted myself into a knot over it.

I met the barman of my local pub tonight, and I actually found myself making excuses for not being there lately! The shame! How ridiculous.

Cate, my problem is that I always follow everyone else's rules, when I am such a determined, strong-willed little shit that always wants to follow their own rules. I don't want to be a tribal member, I want to be a leader, or a lone wolf, or something. Anything. And that is the constant yin and yang and why I am so angry. I just can't break free.

I don't want to self-edit on here any more, if you don't like what I have to say, then stay away basically. It's not a cry for help, I'm really just figuring things out. I'm sure all those 'balanced' people you know in real life can have mad thoughts sometimes but maybe they just don't care to share them.
 
Emily if that is the way you feel about me & my input I'll stay out of your diary from now on. I think you have misjudged me, but that is your prerogative.
 
Hi Cate, I'm really just venting, most of the above was not really about you at all. I know you only meant well. Sorry if I upset you, I really am just trying to process things.
 
And... binge eating has reared its ugly head once again. Now that it's back, I realise how well I was actually doing for a long time. Oh sure, my diet wasn't perfect, I was still smoking, drinking too much, eating too much junk food, but all in all, I was consistently eating 2 healthy meals a day and exercising 4 times a week. And I was having chocolate or cake or whatever, but usually just one or two things.

This week, I have dived back into no exercise, wine, and all the bad foods. For example, today I had a white roll with sausage, bacon, hash brown, butter, loads of ketchup; a bottle of lucozade; a chocolate muffin for lunch; another bottle of lucozade; a wispa gold bar; shop-bought egg mayo sandwich and tortilla chips with salsa and hummus. And eating the tortilla chips was just shovelling one after another after another into my mouth, not even tasting them. Both sandwiches were eaten as fast as possible in the car.

I remember when I lived in Spain years ago and you could buy these packets of 4 chocolate doughnuts and going into a bathroom cubicle of a hotel near where I was staying and just gorging on them one after another. I think that was when my binge-eating really started to get out of control. It had been brewing for a while, but when I got back from that summer in Spain, I had gained nearly a stone. My bitchy neighbour met me when I came home and her comment to me was, 'Emily, what have you been eating?' I was 19. I actually think I've avoided the woman successfully since then.

I think the roots of the binge-eating started when I was about 15 and I made a rule that I couldn't eat anything sweet or bad for you during the week, and then on Sunday I could eat anything I wanted. I'd save all of the junk I hadn't eaten during the week (it's amazing how much sweet stuff people give you/how much can accumulate in that short space of time) and I would just go crazy and go on a mad sugar binge for the day. I remember getting remarkably good at saying no to things at that time and also being able to walk past all the confectionary in a shop and not want it anymore.

A few years later, I joined a gym for the first time, I was probably 17 or 18. My weight was around the 11 stone mark, probably a little high for that age. I remember my stats were 36-32-40. I really wanted to be smaller. So I started the 3 meals a day plus 2 snacks diet plus a workout most days. If I hadn't lost weight from the previous day, I would drop a meal. If I hadn't lost weight again the following day, I would drop 2 meals. My minimum was 1 meal and 2 snacks (a piece of fruit and a yoghurt) per day. I also remember at that time that I would sometimes go to the gym and then go to a restaurant afterwards and order a massive dinner, as that was what I was surviving on for the rest of the day. Looking back, the waitresses must have been wondering who was this strange teenager getting these big lunches all by herself.

When I reached a weight milestone, I would have a free-for-all day, similar to the ones I'd started a few years before.

This cycle ended when I went to the cinema one day on a normal no-sugar day, and something in me just snapped, and I got myself the biggest bag of pick 'n' mix you can imagine.

Anyway, these are the events that have lead me to where I am today. Having problems with food, having problems with bingeing. The great part is that I have overcome a lot of this stuff before, insomuch as I could go to a restaurant with friends and not worry about what to eat, or have a bar of chocolate and not decide the day had been 'ruined' and start stuffing my face again. But this week... this week has been tough.

I think the wedding - both the worry about it beforehand and the aftermath - has opened up a lot of old wounds for me. It's given me a very scary jolt and I don't like it. So I've retreated back into self-punishing behaviour.

On a more positive note, my boss told me today that I am doing 'brilliant'. Which considering what I've just told you above was kind of amazing to hear. It also made me think about the fact that I have to go into work every day, no matter what my mood, energy levels, feelings, etc. and just this act of going in and being there and having to just get on with things is so good for me. And I guess I want to get it into my head that living a healthy life isn't an option anymore either. No matter my mood, energy levels, feelings, I have to get into a better routine, I have to cook healthy meals for myself, I have to exercise, I have to limit my alcohol intake and I HAVE TO STOP SMOKING.

Anyway, hope this post didn't bring you down too much, I really just wanted to get my story down on paper and out there so to speak, in an effort to understand and hopefully overcome. I also hope this explains why I had a freakout on here the other day. Don't be a stranger, would love to hear your thoughts.
 
Hi Emily. Just read through your last post- I 100% know where you're coming from. Bingeing is something I remember doing from a really young age- everyone in my family is petite (both height and weight) and as a kid I was chubby and I remember my mum giving me fruit for school snacks instead of the fun stuff my siblings would get... so I'd sneak chocolate and lollies and biscuits out of the pantry and binge eat in my closet as a kid. When I got older I had a sudden growth spurt and wasn't overweight for a bit, also I think I had a lot going on in my life so stopped bingeing for a brief period... also my parents had become militant health freaks and there was nothing really in the house to binge on anymore haha. Then I got my first job at a takeaway place when I was 13- I actually wasn't a fan of the food, so that wasn't the issue... I suddenly had my own income and could buy all the things I felt like I was missing out on. I'd buy blocks of chocolate and huge 2L tubs of ice cream and family bags of chips and sneak them into my room and eat it all, almost every day.

Its a really hard thing to unlearn for sure. I got up to about 90kgs when I was 17 and found myself working at a gym at the desk and thought I should probably try to fit in... something clicked in my head I guess, I got down to about 63-64 and maintained it while I was there. My weight has fluctuated all the way back up to 75kgs a few times and down to around 65kgs for periods of time. I'm down to 63 now which is my lowest weight in forever... I can honestly say this is probably the first time I've really managed to not binge for an extended period of time.

I think every other time I've tried eating too few calories as my goal because I want to be at my goal weight NOW and then a binge or two a week wouldn't destroy my deficit that much so I'd still lose a bit each week. But then I'd go back to eating too little after a binge and the cycle would keep repeating until I was gaining weight again. I know my triggers better now too, I know being tired can set me off so I should stay busy. Eating too few carbs will make me eat everything in sight. Too much caffeine will trigger my anxiety which will either make me not want to eat (which will likely cause a binge later on) or eat everything in the house, depending on the day. Also making sure every single thing I eat is 100% tasty- has to look good and have bold flavours so I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I also don't cut things out of my diet anymore, if I want something I make sure it fits my calories but usually I decide it's not worth it.

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble! I guess finding my triggers and coming up with a plan for each is what has helped the most. Maybe trying to do everything all at once is too overwhelming so you fall back into the cycle. Baby steps will get you where you want to go!
 
luzdafuzz said:
I got up to about 90kgs when I was 17 and found myself working at a gym at the desk and thought I should probably try to fit in...
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Thank you so much for your post. It's horrible that you went through that but it seems like you've really turned it around and come out the other side. It's good to read other people's stories and know that I'm not alone in this.

Your advice for taking baby steps is a good one. I decided yesterday that enough was enough and life was going to continue anyway whether I holed up in my room for the rest of my life and let myself get fatter and fatter, or if I decided to try to take some action, even if I don't want to or feel like it or think there's any point.

I got up, went to a gym session, went for a 5k run straight after that, and in the evening, I went to the pool. After the gym/run, I had to do some grocery shopping, and I ended up buying cake and a crazy amount of chocolate and ate it all throughout the day. But I decided that at least I was doing something, and I weighed in today, and my weight was a little bit lower (still really high, the most depressing figure I've seen in a long time), but it gave me a bit of hope.

My food today has been good:
- porridge, chia seeds, blueberries, cinnamon, milk
- orange; yoghurt with almonds and raisins
- tuna salad with egg, avocado, tomatoes, spinach, cucumber and slice of bread with butter
- 2 oatcakes and hummus
- grilled steak, fried mushrooms, tomatoes, onion and grated carrot salad

I had about 3 maom sweets and 4 squares of dark chocolate in work. Then an incident in the house this evening upset me and I ended up buying two bars of chocolate (90 g in total). But, you know what, it's a lot better than yesterday, so I will accept that. The only thing I can do is try a little bit harder tomorrow.

I also walked to yoga and back (30 minutes each way) and the yoga class was a tough one, especially because it was so hot and I was sweating so much.

Mini house drama: Had dinner later than normal because of yoga, I really hate sharing the kitchen, maybe this makes me a non-team player, I don't know. My housemate was cooking for his girlfriend and our other housemate. They happened to be eating at the same time that I was, so it was kind of awkward because I'd cooked my own meal and I just felt kind of bad sitting there eating it when they kept commenting on the meal that the cook housemate had made. (The cook housemate has invited me to eat with them a number of times, but I normally say no because they eat too late for me. He's since given up, but that's fine with me. Also, my issues with food and my desire to eat healthily when I am on track means that I don't want to eat the dinner he makes, if you know what I mean.)

Anyway, my housemate made some comment about a raccoon, and then the cook housemate made a joke, 'I wonder what made you think of that'. And after I'd eaten, I went downstairs and I noticed I'd loads of black stuff from the grill on my face and near my eye, and I was just so pissed off that they didn't even mention it, and that I was the butt of some snide remark from the cook housemate. So I was going back upstairs to get some water, and then I asked him why he didn't tell me I'd stuff all over my face, and he said he hadn't really noticed it, but I'm not sure I believe him. Anyway, the whole thing was just unpleasant. (I know this is minor in the grand scheme of things, but I guess I was making more of an effort than usual with them, and I just felt hurt about that remark and like it wasn't worth my time.)

Work today was really hard as well, I am under a lot of pressure to get things done on time, and my boss is being demanding again, but I guess I will just have to plow on. Hopefully now that I'm back in a solid exercise routine, my moods will be better and the whole week will just flow.
 
I recently just moved out of a shared house situation and having my own space is AMAZING. So I sympathise with you on the housemates situation. Are they friends or people you didn't really know beforehand?
 
One guy moved in and a year later his friend moved in. They're not strangers but sometimes I'd prefer if they were so I didn't feel obliged to join in on 'family meal time', haha. Ah, they're grand really. We watched a bit of Troy after and all was forgiven.

I am itching for my own place though but that's just not financially viable right now.

Going to watch the World Cup semifinal now, the weather is glorious. Terrible day in work, usually the next day is good, so it all balances out. Food for first half of day was good, took a nosedive on the drive home, and I just got the car valeted to encourage me not to eat in it!

Anyway, better get going, go on Belgium!
 
Yea I think no matter how well you get along with people you live with there's always going to be times you get a bit too much in each others space. Glad to hear you get along otherwise, makes life easier! We were living with someone for the same money reason, wanted to live close to transport and in an inner city area which is expensive. Decided the location sacrifice was worth living on our own and my husband got a job ages from where we were living so we're halfway in between now... damn I miss living in the city though haha.

Hope you had a good night!
 
I live in the city and I really love it. I grew up in our equivalent of the 'suburbs' - although, I never thought of it that way growing up, that's probably a new word, I was really just on the outskirts of the city.

Work has gone back to normal, I had a moment today when I felt like one of my colleagues really knew me, I know that sounds a bit strange, but I guess it reminded me that they are actually listening. I think the good thing about work is that you can't have your face in your phone. Excel doesn't have the same hold as Whatsapp does in terms of listening to what is going on around you.

I kind of just want the week to be over and regroup once again over the weekend. I am preparing to have to rethink my life choices once again. I made a gargantuan effort on Sunday and today I am the fattest I have been in a long time according to the scale. I went to watch the Belgium-France game on Tuesday and I really felt so unattractive, it was horrible. I've been in this mode before but I was 26 and I had a bit more time than I have now to figure stuff out.

On a separate note, I was saying last night that my housemates are okay. One of them is an absolute nightmare for me. I think the problem is that we are too alike in some ways. I think that we have just got into a combative state, he thinks I am his mammy nagging at him, he can't COPE with criticism, I mean even the most minor of comments, and I am probably the same. But it's sad for me because I hate falling out with people, but I'm not perfect either. Hmm.
 
Got the housemate who I have some issues with at times to do a big cleanup with me this morning without resorting to nagging or giving out. I didn't allow myself to get cross, just started cleaning and asked for his help, and I have to say, we both did a great job. I'm going to just keep trying with him. We probably got off to a very bad start, but no point dwelling on any of that. I'm just going to try to get into a good friendly mode of house sharing with him. I'm feeling quite proud of myself.

The scales are not my friend this week, I went for an hour long walk yesterday and it didn't seem to make much difference. It's frustrating but my jeans don't seem as tight today so I'm just going to ignore Mr. Scales and keep doing my thing. He's a negative fecker anyway.

I'm not sure what to eat today. The kitchen is clean so it's a good time to cook. Maybe some lentils and vegetables? We'll see. I will try to have a better plan organised for tomorrow. Feel like the cloud is lifting a little bit.
 
I found this blog last night, I thought it was really interesting and I agreed with a lot of the stuff she had to say:

https://www.eatlikeanormalperson.com/

I felt I really did eat like a normal person for a while there, more or less, and now I've gone mad on the sugar again. On the plus side, I have my lunch made for tomorrow and two chicken breasts cooked for Thursday and Friday. Organisation is key. She talks about how eating bland food probably isn't the best, but I don't really mind my plain salads and they just take so little time to make. I'll stick with them for a bit longer.

I've been having some greek yoghurt with raisins and almonds for breakfast the last few days, it is surprisingly filling! I do prefer my porridge in the morning though, and I bought some oat bran there to switch it up a little bit. Lots of fibre.

I have a mini-work trip on Thursday to the other office, a change of scene, really looking forward to that. I went to a supermarket I didn't even know existed that was really near my house tonight, I found the whole thing thrilling! Haha, I just love new places, new things and new experiences. I haven't gone anywhere or done anything in a while. When I'm feeling better, I try to fit more in. This summer has been a bit of a dud so far.

The new guy that just started was reading The Handmaid's Tale today at lunchtime, very impressed. He said he loves the show so it inspired him to read it.

Had a nice chat my housemate earlier about work and body fat percentages. Lol. Not much change from what I talk about/think about in general. I actually have been spending a bit more time with him lately, I think that's a good thing for both of us. It got a bit strange for a while, probably my fault. But we're back on good terms.

Going to play tennis with my dad this Sunday, haven't done that in a while. I really miss tennis. One of the girls was gone off after work today to play a game, I really want to join a club and get back into it. Problem is money, always the problem at the moment. But I'll see how I get on Sunday and maybe try to go to some tennis meetups if they crop up, as they usually do this time of year. I was getting pretty good! It would be a shame to let it slip away. Also, it's a great stress relief. Better than a bottle of wine any day.
 
That blog does look to have some interesting info on it. I have saved it to have a good look later. I'm glad you are getting on better with your housemate. I used to love tennis. Sport is good for stress relief. It's also good that it's something you can do with your Dad.
 
Thanks Cate. Yeah, it is lovely to spend a bit of time with Dad also. We went for a spin in my work car this evening, it was fun.

Had a very good day today, one of the best-looking humans I've ever seen in my life came into the yoga place, dear God, he was a giant. Just incredible looking. I googled him because I'm a creep - he's a rugby player. Of course. He went to the hot yoga man's class so it was a double whammy of deliciousness. If I could look at those two men every day, I'd have no more need for cake, life would be sweet enough! :p

Have a really early start tomorrow. Food is still atrocious, but I feel like my appetite has settled down a little, so I'm considering a weigh-in tomorrow to see. Hmm, I don't know. Hate being this size. When I'm in a healthy BMI range, I can just about cope, but I'm about 6 pounds over that right now. Not cool with me. I know it's actually fairly easy to lose these few pounds, because I think the pendulum of my body wants to swing downward, but I'm just finding it difficult right now.

I don't know, I'm starting to think my hayfever tablets are making me fat. The urge for sugar ramped up considerably when I started taking them a few weeks ago, and Lucy mentioned having a binge after taking one on her diary, and now I'm blaming all my problems on them, haha. But, I don't know, maybe they do have weird side effects that we don't know about? The pollen count has gone down in the last few days, so I'm considering stopping taking them for a while and seeing if my theory is correct. Or maybe I'll just believe it's correct and I'll start eating properly again. The placebo effect. I wouldn't mind that either!
 
Emilyrose said:
I don't know, I'm starting to think my hayfever tablets are making me fat. The urge for sugar ramped up considerably when I started taking them a few weeks ago, and Lucy mentioned having a binge after taking one on her diary, and now I'm blaming all my problems on them, haha. But, I don't know, maybe they do have weird side effects that we don't know about? The pollen count has gone down in the last few days, so I'm considering stopping taking them for a while and seeing if my theory is correct. Or maybe I'll just believe it's correct and I'll start eating properly again. The placebo effect. I wouldn't mind that either!
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Do you know what triggers a binge for you? I am mostly triggered by tiredness. Even if I'm not tired, if I take a hayfever tablet I get verrrrry drowsy which makes me want to eat everything (I try to hold out on taking hayfever tablets until right before bed just for this reason and they usually make me sleep in an extra hour or two as well). If I don't have enough carbs (which for me is around at least 100ish grams a day) that will make me feel tired too and can set me off. Also straight up not enough sleep or other medications can do it too. If you think tiredness could be an issue for you, maybe change the time you take something that will make you drowsy?
 
I didn't take any today but still ate a load of sweet things. It was an out of the ordinary day though. There were a lot of petrol stations with coffee machines and doughnuts involved. (Well, one doughnut, to be fair.)

I used to be chronically tired, I think it was when I went through a stage where I did very little exercise. And I remember how wrecked I was a few years ago when I started a new job. I had built up a really good gym-going exercise regime in the months previous to that, and I kept it up during that time, even though I felt like I had nothing left in the gas tank. It really kept me alive.

That tiredness hasn't been around for a good few years, which is great. I do get tired now of course, but not in the way I used to before. I think a lot of that energy was used up in anxiety. But no, this sugar-bingeing is not a direct cause of feeling wrecked because I am a really good sleeper these days, and I actually wake up in the morning feeling more or less fresh. I do spend a lot less hours at work per week though, it makes a huge difference. I have loads of time in the evenings to unwind.

I think I was unhappy about the wedding, and then that triggered me really upping the calories per day, and now the resentment over the wedding has diminished a little bit, but now it's the extra kilos that are pissing me off. Anyway, I am absolutely broke for the next week, so being frugal means I won't really be able to afford eating out and everything, or that extra coffee, so it will actually help. I have a family reunion in 4 weeks time and I really want to look healthy and happy at that.

Ugh, something was sent to my house for someone else, and now I have to contact them, and I really don't want to see them. I'm not really angry at them, I just don't want them in my life at the moment. I guess the Universe is forcing my hand.

I'm loving this at the moment, belted it in the car today on my drive:
 
Feeling a bit worn out today. Work went fine, I'm finding it challenging training the new guy in, he's making loads of mistakes! I think if I had more time in the day, I'd be a lot more patient with him, but I have a huge list of things to do all the time, so having to sit with him on things he's been shown a number of times now is really hard. I haven't got cross or anything, I've kind of kept it matter-of-fact, but I hope he's not too down on himself because of it. He seems like a laid back kind of person, so hopefully he's taking it all on the chin.

I'm planning on doing a 10-mile road race in 7 weeks time, it would be the first one I've ever attempted. I'm not giving myself a huge amount of time to train, but the route is fairly easy. I can manage 3-4 miles easily enough, and if I am consistent with going for 3 runs 3 times a week, I could definitely manage it. The longest race I ever did was 5 miles but I really need something to get me out of the house and focused on something. I will feel a lot better having this in my head as something to aim for.

Time is just flying by. Where are the days going? I don't know.
 
Oh man, the race sounds fun!! Is it a big event or a local thing? I did a 10k city-to-surf years ago before my knees were shit and that was a struggle... and that's way less distance haha. I love the atmosphere at those kinds of events though, I've tagged along to others to cheer on friends.

HA don't even talk about time, I feel like I've spent most the year in bed and HOLY SHIT IT'S NEARLY AUGUST. :eek:
 
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