Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Marsia]

I agree that cigarettes do act as stabilizers, but you already have good ways to relax that aren't smoking already, so I really think with good support and a plan, you can do this! I found a good article on quitting https://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/ss/slideshow-13-best-quit-smoking-tips-ever . It's great you have such a good reason - I think that will really help!

I loved only working part time from home. I did things like remodeled a huge house in order to help with expenses, and it was really gratifying. Do you think you could find a job where you could work from home?

 

[liza3]

I do feel like things turned a corner for me this evening on something I'm working on. There was a chink of light on Monday, today there was a full-blown lamp. Lol. So I feel better emotionally.

so good to hear!

I really hope you can find your way to giving up those cigarettes. I am still always relieved I don't smoke anymore even though I can still see the appeal in it and still like the smell of it sometimes. They are just so expensive and so addictive!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Cate. New role, no singing but excessive talking. I think since I got sick, my voice has strengthened. It kind of had to adjust to the new level again.
- Thanks for the link, Marsia. The cravings were crazy today, literally flashing lights of me smoking, it's insane. This is the trouble with being a naturally imaginative person!!
- I am so glad for you too, Liza. Reading your posts, I find it hard to believe you ever smoked! It seems so different to the way you are now. I guess it goes back to what I was saying about change.

I wake up every day and I feel sad. This is not a new thing for me. This is where I've been for many years.

I had a very good friend in work when I was younger and she would always sit with me at lunch and go for a turn around the pond with me, which was so nice. I think she was really looking out for me, when I think back.

Now, I am meant to be the mature one. I feel the lack of someone so sharply these days.

I want to be beholden to someone.

I want to be someone's one and only.

 

[liza3]

Sending you a hug for the sadness Emily

I had a very good friend in work when I was younger and she would always sit with me at lunch and go for a turn around the pond with me, which was so nice. I think she was really looking out for me, when I think back.

Having a good friend like that is just so precious. It's nice you can look back on that with such fondness.

I find it hard to believe you ever smoked! It seems so different to the way you are now. I guess it goes back to what I was saying about change.

Well even back when I smoked many people thought it was odd that I did--that it didn't seem to match the rest of who I was somehow... I don't know--I did find it very soothing...there was something quite meditative about it...but yeah, really not worth the money and the feeling of being so hooked on something.
I hope you can carry on quitting through those initial cravings. So much for me was just breaking the habit of it rather than any big physical cravings.

 

[Marsia]

I wish we could go for walks with you and just commiserate. Both K and I feel beat up by life at the moment, too. It's so hard when so many things feel out of one's control. I think we need to slowly take back control by doing meaningful things whenever we can, figuring out what we want and going for it, counting our blessings as far as the things we do have, and just appreciating ourselves for trying and failing and getting back up again and eventually getting closer to where we want to be. Are you able to do other soothing things when the cravings and flashing images of smoking come up? Withdrawal really sucks and I hope you can get through it and out the other side so you don't have to go through this ever again! Hugs, more hugs, and also hugs!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Liza. I'm still smoking unfortunately, but I agree that it's nothing physical for me either. It's the emotional attachment to the bloody things! And yes, it was great to have such a lovely friend. She came down to see me in a play a few years ago, which was really nice. I keep meaning to email her, I really should do that.
- Loads of hugs for you too, Marsia. I would love to be able to go for walks with you and K. At least we can connect here, which is so lovely. Hope you are feeling better.

Well, things have improved. Tonight things took a turn for the better, after much, much struggle for the last few weeks. It's really felt like I've been in the trenches for the last while. It felt like it would never end. But I finally have a bit of hope this evening. Finally!

Tonight was great because two old friends showed up that I didn't expect to see, and they are both on my side and very supportive, which is something I have been crying out for internally for the last few months. I wasn't talking to them too much but they were there! That was the main thing. I've also been putting a huge amount of work into something and tonight, it started to pay off. It's been really hard to keep going because I've been so down and so unwell, and I don't know how I've kept going at times, to be honest. Even earlier in the week, I worked from home, and I had a little cry in the middle of the day, because I'm still a bit sad.

Anyway, tomorrow is Friday, it's Easter, and I have lots of time to relax and recuperate this weekend, and I can't wait. I'm reading another collection of Agatha Christie's, which I just adore, and I'm going to try to find a few interesting films to watch, go for a run or two, and possibly play tennis on Monday, depending on energy levels.

I also had a friend who I used to be close enough with text during the week to say they were so sorry they haven't contacted me in ages and that they'd started writing me a message loads of times but then stopped for some reason. I thought that was really touching. I said it was fine, haha. We never fell out or anything, I just haven't seen him in ages. Anyway, that also cheered me up.

Right, that's all for now.

 

[Cate]

Oh, Em. I'm glad your friends are being there when you need them.

I feel the lack of someone so sharply these days.

I want to be beholden to someone.

I want to be someone's one and only.

This makes me feel sad. I want you to find your special someone who will be your one & only
I hope you have a lovely Easter & find some energy for tennis on Monday. I'm tempted to get another game of golf in on Monday as the course is closed on Tuesday for a week. It's so good for us!

 

[liza3]

Tonight was great because two old friends showed up that I didn't expect to see, and they are both on my side and very supportive, which is something I have been crying out for internally for the last few months. I wasn't talking to them too much but they were there!

So good! Having real friends around that just totally have your back is so important!

Enjoy the Easter weekend--sounds like great plans for the running, reading and films and maybe tennis!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Ah, don't be too sad Cate. I have a great life aside from that. I think everyone has something they struggle with. This just happens to be my thing.
- Thanks Liza and happy Easter to you too.

It was another very good day today. I'm just going to embrace the good times and make hay while the sun shines! Long may it continue.

But yes, I had a very good day in work. There was a real 'Bank Holiday Friday' vibe around the office, we were all chatting and having a great time together and I really enjoyed the day. I also managed to get a load of things ticked off the list, which was important, as I have a holiday coming up and next week is going to be really busy, especially as it's only 4 days. That's the only downside about a 4-day week - the workload remains the same with less time to do it. At the same time, between my task list and the chatter today, I didn't have too much time to think, which is a very good thing for me.

I also got exciting news about a radio interview next week, which is quite fun. This will be my third one, which is sort of a dream come true really. Anything positive that adds a little sparkle to your day and takes you out of the humdrum is a good thing in my book. I don't feel that nervous about it really; the last two went well. I didn't nervously snort or anything. They were all pre-recordings as well though, so it's easier, hahaha.

Oh yeah! One woman in work made the comment to me today that I had lost a 'heap of weight'. That's the first comment I've got from the work gang about it. I've actually lost nearly 2 stone since January 2023. I was 173 my last weigh-in. 27 pounds baby! It's hard to believe. I still don't feel thin. Lol. I am still overweight but I can really see the difference in certain outfits. I feel like I'm not really appreciating it enough but I guess a comment like that today makes me feel good about myself. I've done well! It only took a broken heart and a manic schedule to do it! I wouldn't prescribe that method to anyone, to be fair!

 

[Marsia]

It's so nice to hear you doing so well. I love how you wanted friends to be there for you, and they materialized out of thin air. Oprah would be proud!! I really hope you let it sink in about how much you lost. 27 pounds is incredibly wonderful!! I had to laugh about your weight loss methods! My last weight loss was from living in an RV in the South in the hottest summer on record with no air conditioning - not recommended either!! That's so phenomenal you'll be interviewed on radio!! Is it for something to do with acting or writing? Anyway, hope you have a lovely holiday weekend!!

 

[Cate]

- Ah, don't be too sad Cate. I have a great life aside from that. I think everyone has something they struggle with. This just happens to be my thing.

Ok, I won't xo

It was another very good day today. I'm just going to embrace the good times and make hay while the sun shines! Long may it continue.

Yay!

But yes, I had a very good day in work. There was a real 'Bank Holiday Friday' vibe around the office, we were all chatting and having a great time together and I really enjoyed the day.

Excellent

I also got exciting news about a radio interview next week, which is quite fun. This will be my third one, which is sort of a dream come true really. Anything positive that adds a little sparkle to your day and takes you out of the humdrum is a good thing in my book. I don't feel that nervous about it really; the last two went well. I didn't nervously snort or anything. They were all pre-recordings as well though, so it's easier, hahaha.

That is exciting!

Oh yeah! One woman in work made the comment to me today that I had lost a 'heap of weight'. That's the first comment I've got from the work gang about it. I've actually lost nearly 2 stone since January 2023. I was 173 my last weigh-in. 27 pounds baby! It's hard to believe. I still don't feel thin. Lol. I am still overweight but I can really see the difference in certain outfits. I feel like I'm not really appreciating it enough but I guess a comment like that today makes me feel good about myself. I've done well! It only took a broken heart and a manic schedule to do it! I wouldn't prescribe that method to anyone, to be fair!

27 lbs is really significant, Em. It must feel good to fit better into your clothes. I wish!
Have a lovely Easter & please play tennis xoxo

 

[liza3]

That's great you had such a nice day at work. Sounds like your workplace can be a really nice place to be at times. Would you say the majority of time is good with just some stress times thrown in, or the opposite?
That's great about the radio interview. I would be so nervous if I ever had to go on radio!! It's good you've already done a couple and don't feel overly nervous about it.
Nice one on getting the compliment about the weight loss. I hope you do start appreciating it more. I can imagine losing 27 pounds would be an amazing difference!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Marsia. Thank you so much. I'm not sure how much Oprah would be proud in general but it was lovely to see them.
- Thanks Cate. I've gone off tennis a bit, unfortunately. I like to be good at things - it's just how I'm built!
- Hi Liza. I would say about work that the good times are good but the bad times make me question if the money is worth it. I'm lucky because I feel competent at my job, but there's also some mad stressful stuff that crops up that I find very hard to deal with. I don't think I've ever been happy with an office job - I gained 20 pounds in 3 months the moment I started working full-time. It's really not for me. It's probably not for most people, if we're being honest.

I bought myself a really beautiful watch yesterday and earrings to match. Nothing too extravagant but they are both nice and I just felt like treating myself to something substantial that I will have for a while. It's weird when you feel awkward about treating yourself to stuff, even though you're working away for 40 hours a week. A huge amount of your time goes into earning money and yet I almost felt guilty about buying a watch and nice earrings. The woman behind the counter asked, 'Is this for yourself?' and I nearly felt I should be inventing a younger sister or something. How fucking stupid.

I watched a few interviews with Cher this evening, she's such an inspiration, I love her. She's 77 and her partner is younger than I am! Lol. The woman who was interviewing her was saying that she thinks she's shallow, and Cher's response was, 'Good!' That made me laugh.

Oh, I don't know, the fun that life has to offer seems to have eluded me for the last while. I guess there used to be loads of drunken nights and friends and random chats and talks with strangers and as I've got older, that is becoming less and less of a thing. Which is fine, that happens. But it's made me a bit joyless. And that's not really about alcohol, it's just about things being a bit silly and random. Everything has been so prescribed since Covid and I hate planning my life out so far ahead. I just want to enjoy things again.

I don't really laugh anymore and I miss that. I used to laugh all the time. Whenever my housemate has his girlfriend around, she's in a constant giggle. I got the bus yesterday and there were all these teenagers on it, and all the girls were singing along to all the songs, and it was so lovely to hear. I mean, I don't really want to go backwards in time but I would love that fun to be back in my life. I hate being joyless, it's terrible. Especially when there's a long road to go. I want to be like Cher at 77.

 

[Cate]

I hope you can find a way to put fun back in your life, Em. Laughing is a wonderful thing. There must be a way. The thing to remember about feeling unhappy is it’s temporary. All emotions, at their core, are just temporary. I feel you can find true happiness again. Do you have a friend who almost always makes you laugh? Seek out that friend. Have a night out.
Yay for treating yourself to a nice watch & earrings. Take them out

 

[liza3]

The woman who was interviewing her was saying that she thinks she's shallow, and Cher's response was, 'Good!' That made me laugh.

haha that is great!
I love that idea of including more fun in life. I know my younger self was better at just letting go (i guess probably drinking helped with that) Nowadays my idea of fun is much different but yes, still so important. And it's a hard thing to try and force into a life...Finding those people you can just have a really good laugh with is so good when it happens. I do think covid has really changed things for me as well...but am hopeful that slowly things will get back there. I think my most fun thing lately has been bike rides. It's funny even though I never really rode a bike much as a kid, it still brings that sense of childhood fun for me somehow...

Good for you for treating yourself to the watch and earrings!

 

[Marsia]

I love your post so much. I've always wondered what Cher was like as a person. Based on her one comment alone, she sounds awesome. I hope you do get out with friends more and get to laugh and celebrate life. I've been really isolated post covid, and during covid, my mom was in hospice, so it's been a really long time for me, too. I hope we can both get our grooves back soon and be surrounded in friends and fun activities again!! That's wonderful you got yourself jewelry you love. I agree with Cate about going out and showing it off. May we be like Cher at 77!!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Haha, thanks Cate. I will soon.
- Yes Liza, cycling is lovely, I am just terrified on the roads here.
- I am determined that once I get through this busy/challenging period, it's going to be all about the laughs and fun, Marsia. I need a holiday!

Well, I've entered Bizarroland since I last spoke to you. Things have gone mental.

Basically, Monday morning after my last post, I woke up feeling awful. Just in absolute despair. I have this big project coming up, there's huge pressure, and it's been very difficult. Also, I'm still heartbroken over Tom, again the most bizarre thing, just something I can't seem to be able to let go of. Like, anyone else in my life, I've just moved on when they appear to have. This time, it just doesn't seem to be possible, I don't know. Anyway, so I was sobbing for about two hours, really crying now, and I just felt so desolate and really hopeless. How will I get out of this project? When will I start to feel better about things? Why can't I let go of Tom? Very distressing. Then, when I'd kind of half-decided to get up and go for a run, I got a voice message. Two actually. From Tom. Out of the complete blue. So I rang him. I didn't intend on being upset on the phone, but it just happened. I didn't tell him I was upset over him, but over the other stuff. Anyway, he was great and had lots of words of comfort and he cheered me up. Then I went off for my run and called to another friend that evening, and things didn't look so awful anymore.

Anyway, Tom has been on to me the last two evenings since, sending me loads of messages, acknowledging he is 'back', which is so mad. Like, I don't understand what is happening. I don't know, maybe he picked up on something on our call on Monday and he knows I need help and support. Whatever the reason, he has cheered me up bigtime. It's just great to feel there's someone on my side. He is the most baffling person I've ever met, hence the appeal, I guess. But he's also really funny, and I did say I needed a laugh. I actually went to sleep with a smile on my face for the first time in forever last night.

I really feel like someone up above has pulled a few strings because I genuinely don't think I had anything more left in me. I really think in a strange way he heard me crying. I know that sounds crazy, but I was at my lowest point, and now I feel I have some energy and support behind me, and it's pushing me on, even though the other problems haven't gone away. They just seem more manageable now.

My manager also commented on my weight loss today and I must say, I think I was looking pretty good today. Even with all the stress and confusion, I'm holding it together somehow. I have a manic few days ahead, just so busy at the moment, but I ate a really good chicken dinner tonight and I have a little bit of extra time in bed tomorrow, so I hope I'll be okay. Spring has sprung and things are looking up.

 

[Cate]

I'm glad things are looking up, Em. The whole Tom thing is so complicated & confusing to me. He certainly has a hold on you. I wish there was someone else who would come along & sweep you off your feet & make you laugh. I will keep my fingers crossed.

 

[liza3]

So hard about the whole Tom situation. But I am glad to hear you are feeling better overall and getting in some good laughs.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. Well, I'm sure other people make me laugh too. But yeah, he's very clever but also incredibly silly at times, which is just my kryptonite.
- Thanks Liza. Yeah, it's an interesting one for sure.

Today was pretty good. No message from Tom, but that's fine. I mean, it was kind of an anomaly to talk to him 3 days in a row. Back to the norm. But it has boosted me up a bit. I'm so ridiculous. Why does he have such a hold over me? I don't know, I guess it's that sense of connection? He left me a message yesterday and even though he'd only got a brief synopsis of what was going on, he seemed to have grasped the situation I'm in entirely and had loads of really insightful things to say. I've met a lot of people in my life and it's really not that common for someone to know what you're thinking without you having to tell them first. I mean, he probably just has incredible social intelligence, but that's a pull in itself. At the end of the day, right now, I don't care. He's helped.

On a different note - how do you forgive yourself for things? I try to be a good person, and kind and caring and all that nice stuff, and sometimes it's so, so difficult. I'm not the type of person that does things that I don't think are particularly nice and never thinks about it again. I really beat myself up over it. And, of course, it's good to have a conscience, and to recognise that in a certain scenario that you could have handled it better. But, I guess what I'm wondering is, how do I recognise that I wasn't great in that particular moment, but not let that moment overrule all the positive moments of the day?

Why are we conditioned to focus so much on the negative in our daily lives? Are there people in the world who don't do this? That's something I must investigate on Google. I'm pretty sure it's always a tribe in the Amazon that's happiest, but then you watch so many documentaries where all the beautiful rainforest is being destroyed and replaced by palm trees and the tribe are given clothes and food but are completely cut off from a world they were the masters of, and it's all so bleak.

I might start writing out the positive things from my day again, just to try to emphasise that more to my brain, rather than the darker moments. Let's try it. Today, I am happy about the following:
1. I had my 'health tonic' earlier today. I am trying to keep my immune system boosted and I do think it gave me energy.
2. I had a relatively healthy lunch of tuna with 2 slices of bread and butter, carrots, peppers, tomatoes and this really tasty pesto. (I did cut my finger while chopping the peppers though, which might negate this one slightly. )
3. I had fun this evening on the project.
4. I weighed in at 171 this morning! A new low. I almost forgot that! That's how distracted I am right now!!!
5. I had nice chats with Mum and Dad. Mum rang me at lunchtime because she wanted to tell me something but I didn't have much time to chat, so I rang her back tonight. It was a mostly positive conversation even though there's a new challenge ahead for the family.

Anyway, there were probably loads of other positive things, but I've talked enough. Night all. xxx