Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hi LaMa, I haven't really reduced either thing dramatically. I think it could be all the smoking, plus being on my computer/phone far more than usual, plus too much alone time, plus anxiety about the future. I don't know. The buzzing is worrying though.

Hmm, not sure I want nausea and nightmares added to the mix Hana. It probably is worth it though.

Hi La Dauphine, I'm not really worried about finding the next job, it's about finding the RIGHT job. But I actually took on board what you said and applied for some temp work today. I think I need to start having busier days again, I'm going a bit mental in the house.

Day 7:

1. How did today go?
I'm a week in and I have made zero progress. I think I'm going to have to start weighing myself again. I just feel like I'm getting nowhere. I feel very frustrated with myself.

2. How was your food and exercise?
I'm booked in for a yoga class at 8. The healthy eating talk was cancelled so I have some time this evening. No run today though. :(

I got a club sandwich, chips, a coke and a tea there in a local restaurant. I woke up extremely late, probably won't eat much more today. I don't need to really, as that was a massive meal and I've barely moved.

I'm feeling extremely depressed and down. Not even going to bother with the cigarette count anymore, I just don't know how to quit!

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No. When I look in the mirror, I'm not that unhappy with what I see. But I don't know how I'm getting away with it. I want my actions to be better. I want my days to have more meaning than schlumping from one cigarette to the next, one meal to the next. Life is just so colourless right now. And when it gets vibrant, I feel overwhelmed and still depend on the cigs/alcohol/treats to get me through. What a disaster.

This song sums it up today:
 
Oh sweetpea - you sound stuck in a shitty cycle at the moment. Take a moment to look at the positives, you ARE active most of the time, you're doing yoga and some good classes - like you said, you're not massively overweight so it's just about feeling better in your body and toning a little. Maybe you should see your GP about smoking? Are you in the UK? I would really recommend champix, especially if you're not working at the moment, I quit after 10 days so you could smash it out the park and be healthy before starting a new job!

So sorry you're feeling down - do you have a good support network to rely on ?
 
Hi Sunflower, thank you for your kind words. Things are back to normal today, thank God. My parents live close by and I have very good friends, it just gets a bit lonely sometimes because everyone is working. But I feel so much better today!

Day 8:

1. How did today go?
Today went great, and you know why? Because I got my ass out of bed at half 9 and went to a yoga class. It was brilliant. I was the only one in the class, so it was quite intense, but I really learned how to do the poses properly, and the teacher was really nice. I came home afterwards, had some breakfast, then I'd booked in for a reflexology session at 2pm. I'd never done one before - it was so relaxing. She said my areas in slight discomfort were my lower back and my sinuses, but nothing too serious. Maybe this will cure the ear buzzing! Anyway, I feel like my body must be seriously detoxing today and I think it will really help me. I'm turning into a yoga nut I think! I also found this:

BodyOnYoga.png


Maybe I'll print it out and stick it on my wall.

2. How was your food and exercise?
The yoga session lasted an hour and an half. So very pleased with the work I did there.

Food has been pretty good. Porridge, chia seeds, blueberries and milk for breakfast with 2 slices of toast, 1 with butter, 1 with cashew nut butter. Mushroom soup. 2 cakes shared with my parents plus a coffee and a tea.

Actually, when I was buying the cakes, there was a sign on the counter that read:
Stressed spelt backwards is desserts.
I thought it was apt!

For dinner, I made salmon and quinoa with a salad of avocado, pine nuts, tomatoes, spinach, cucumber, peppers, and red pesto. Really yum.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I got a call about some temp work today. Thanks to La Dauphine's suggestion, I applied for a few things yesterday, not really expecting to hear anything back. I missed the woman's call, but hopefully I will get onto her tomorrow and potentially might get back out there next week! Some money before Christmas would be lovely.
 
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Thanks Hana. Hopefully lots more good days to come.

Day 9:

1. How did today go?
Today went like most Fridays go and ended with a bottle of wine and a few beers. I don't think that's too bad if I'm out and about, but it's just me in the house, drinking and making myself feel like shit for tomorrow. I'm not going to dwell on it for now, but food for thought.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Got stuck in traffic and was 15 minutes late for my yoga class. The receptionist wasn't there when I arrived, and I felt like I couldn't just barge in, so I left again and went to the off licence. Damn you traffic congestion! It was my own fault, I took a wrong turn, and there were so many one-way streets leading me further and further away from yoga. To be honest, my body was in bits last night, so maybe it's a good thing. Definitely going for a run tomorrow regardless.

Food:
  • porridge, chia seeds, blueberries, milk - BOOM!
  • coffee and milk
  • turkey, ham, mayo sandwich
  • coffee and milk
  • chocolate eclair - I have had some amount of cakes since I finished up with my job. I obviously equate cakes with days off. This has got to stop.
  • tea and milk
  • chicken stir fry with red pesto and quinoa - a bit burnt but nice
  • a few jelly beans
  • bottle of white wine (eek)
  • 4 bottles Corona (double eek)
Always happy when I make food at home. Working on the cake/alcohol conundrum.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I never thought this forum would have an impact on my real world (spoiler alert: Emily Rose is not my real name! Why would I pick such a sickly sweet name anyway, I do not know). But La Dauphine's comment about looking for work to tide me over got the brain ticking, and now that's actually happening, and from next week I will probably be working in various office environments and I'm so excited. So merci beaucoup to her! I just need to get out of the house again. I have treasured the rest, I really have. But I think enough already. Sometimes you just need to get out and meet people.

Also, loads of workplaces means loads of professional, potentially hot men! Have a night out tomorrow, always a chance of meeting someone nice. Although my room is a tip, but anyway. I haven't forgotten about goal no. 2!

I feel like I've actually gained weight, which is sad, but I think maybe I'm just more tuned in to the reality of my body. I'm really not so far from where I want to be. So close you can almost touch it. But almost is not enough.

Have loads going on in my head tonight, was going to write a really deep, philosophical diatribe, but that can wait for another evening. Night.
 
Emilyrose said:
I think maybe I'm just more tuned in to the reality of my body. I'm really not so far from where I want to be. So close you can almost touch it. But almost is not enough.
Click to expand...

It´s pretty awesome though! Starting work again sounds good to me; I know I don´t thrive on unstructured days.
 
Starting work again sounds like a very good plan. This forum has a bigger impact on us than you ever imagined it would. Take care of yourself xo
 
LaMa - Yes, sometimes it's actually easier to exercise when you only have one slot in the day to fit it in.

Thanks Cate, I'm trying!

Day 10:

1. How did today go?
A very busy, people-filled day, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Friends and acquaintances don't always say the things you want them to say. I am not projecting the person that I want to be.

2. How was your food and exercise?
6k run, even feeling like shit from booze the night before. It really wasn't that hard. But it was hard enough for me to realise that the booze and cigarettes have got to go.

I had a bottle of Club Orange, then lunch out, which was seafood balls and roast chicken with garlic potatoes, veg and gravy. 2 glasses of white wine and an espresso martini. Some herbal tea. A few chocolates. So much alcohol, it's too much energy to even consider capturing here. Some kind of Indian style dish, a small portion from what I could find in the fridge, and some chocolate cake, a small piece though!

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Hmm. On the man front, I spent the night flirting with a lovely guy who's about 5 years younger than me with a longterm girlfriend, but we get on like a house on fire. I looked over at one stage, and he was holding both my bag and my drink, which I had abandoned and he saved for me. That was nice, but also, I think it was just a harmless flirtation. Still, my ego was boosted. Also, a man that I worked with told someone else that I was very smart and gave me such high praise that they passed those sentiments on to me, which also happened on another occasion, and it warmed my heart to think of him. Not feeling as confident as at other times though, so no man was found tonight.

Lots to think about for next week, know what I have to do. How to convince myself to do it? That's something to consider tomorrow.
 
Hey hun - sorry I thought Emily Rose was your real name! Would you rather we call you something else? Sounds like the weekend has not been the best on the food front but it could have been worse - you can pull it back. What is your plan for next week?
 
Hi Hana - Emily Rose is fine. Yeah, new week tomorrow, back to some sort of routine.

Day 11 -

1. How did today go?
I managed to sleep off most of the hangover but I am very tired. Met a friend tonight and we went to watch a movie in a local pub, which was fun and got me out of the house for the evening. Looking forward to not being tired tomorrow!

2. How was your food and exercise?
Took a stroll into town and back, so it was nice to get some fresh air.

Had a massive cajun chicken pizza and coke for soakage, then 2 Bailey's coffees at the pub to keep myself awake, and ending the day with an M&S chocolate sundae. Back to proper eating tomorrow, have all my stuff ready to go for the week.

3. Are you any closer to reaching you goals?
Le sigh. No.
 
Day 12:

1. How did today go?
Oh man, I am so tired. I did some temp work for the afternoon, I forgot how tiring learning new stuff is until you get into a good routine. It was really fun though!

2. How was your food and exercise?
I wasn't organised enough to fit exercise in today. I am going to go to bed early tonight and tomorrow definitely going for a run and maybe a yoga session.

Had a chocolate muffin and a latte for breakfast.
Making a chicken stir fry now for dinner. Will try not to eat much more tonight.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Well, I'm back in the workforce, but this is more 'temp job' as opposed to 'hot job'. Still, it's all experience, and all building towards the next venture.
 
Well done, girl! Keeping the old brain flexible can only be a good thing and it sounds like tired-brain didn't ruin your eating.
 
Thanks LaMa, yeah, good to keep learning.

Thanks Hana! I'm enjoying it.

Thanks Butterfly. It's not THE job, but it's getting me out of the house. Out of the bed!

Day 13:

1. How did today go?
Damn you day 13. Damn you. I am sick. So, so sick. Okay, not that sick, but I have a cough, aches and pains, night sweats, tinnitus, and generally feeling like crap. 1 day of work and I'm ill! Maybe I'm allergic to it.

I think the reasons are because of all the alcohol at the weekend, the damp weather, and the fact that I was sitting at a cold door yesterday. Sigh. I want to be healthy again! Stocked up on the lemsip and cough medicine, going to go to bed early and try to sweat it out.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No energy for exercise. I had to do a good bit of walking around town, so I wasn't completely sedentary today.

Had a chicken and cheese panini in town and a cup of coffee. Not really the choices I should be making at this point. I figure it will actually be easier when I'm working tomorrow.
Came home and had this rice krispie square thing and a handful of jelly beans. A coffee.
Going to have some carrot and coriander soup now, don't feel like cooking anything.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
It is very hard to keep your goals in sight when you feel as crappy as I do. I am determined to go for a run tomorrow before work, I need to get out there! Flu or no flu! I will not let it defeat me! I also want to try to go for a yoga session in the evening, as I will be home early.

My food plan for tomorrow:
- porridge and an egg for brunch (planning on sleeping as late as possible)
- chicken stir fry with rice
- coffee/tea as needed
- fruit, yoghurt, nuts after yoga

Let's see how it goes.
 
LaMaria, thank you!

Cate, I did go for the run, but I felt all the better for it afterward. I just needed it today and I took it fairly handy.

Day 14:

1. How did today go?
Hmm. I'm half regretting doing this temping thing. It is very tiring work. I can't seem to reach a happy medium between being bored but fresh or busy but exhausted. Surely this is not the norm! I have full days of it tomorrow and Friday, but then my blessed weekend is back!

2. How was your food and exercise?
I'll start with the cigarettes: 4. Mainly because I am too ill and I don't have access to them while at work.

Exercise was a 6k run. Very slow, but I did it.

Food:
Brunch -
  • porridge, raspberries, blueberries, chia seeds, milk
  • 1 slice toast and butter
  • boiled egg
  • banana
  • half an orange
  • coffee and milk
Snack -
  • coffee and milk
  • apple
  • 10 almonds
Dinner -
  • double portion chicken stir fry with veg, rice and chickpeas
  • bedtime tea
Overall, it was a pretty good eating day. I am feeling the effects of that in exhaustion.

Oh, weighed in today, weight was 11 stone 8. I'm surprised it wasn't higher, so I am happy with that.
 
A lot better today, thanks DoctorBee.

Day 15:

1. How did today go?
Today went miles better. Really enjoyed work, even though there was a part of me thinking, 'What have I doonnneeee?' when I could still see the moon clear in the sky when I got up this morning. But the massive sleep I had on Tuesday night really saved me I think. I feel like the illness is passing through.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Weight today was 11 stone 8 1/2 pounds. Really hate seeing that number go up, but I didn't have any sugar yesterday, so I feel it will have to go down eventually.

Exercise was a zumba class. It was okay. I look like shit when I try to dance though. Flailing limbs, stiff shoulders. Ugh. The girl who runs the class is Spanish and fabulous. They just have it, don't they?

Food was as follows:
Breakfast: porridge, raspberries, chia seeds, blueberries, milk
Morning coffee
Snack: banana and 2 small cups of tea and milk
Lunch: chicken korma, 2 scoops of mashed potatoes, carrots, peas, broccoli, cauliflower
tea and milk
Snack: tea and milk and an apple
Dinner: scrambled eggs and 2 slices of toast with butter
Bedtime tea

Really happy with that. It's hard to stay away from the sugar. Really hard. But I've managed 2 successful days now, so that's cool.

Cigarettes smoked today was 6 - happy with that as well. Only 10 smoked in 2 days as opposed to my usual 20. I will get there!

Feeling really good today. Birds flying high, you know how I feel. I mean, the weather is shit, it's been raining all day, I was thrown into the deep end in a new job, and I still didn't smother myself in chocolate or alcohol. Making small breakthroughs all the time.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
As things stand, no, but I can believe again. Beeeliiiieeeevvvveee.
 
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