Derrick's ongoing journey

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Well at least you didn't gain any over xmas... an acheivement, as you said yourself!!

Good luck getting back into a losing streak again :D I'm sure you'll do it if you decide to up your game, you seem like a pretty determined/dedicated guy! x
 
Hi girls. Thanks for posting again! Makes me feel better knowing some people are reading and empathizing. :)

I've had a rough past few days because we had to take my wife to the hospital on Thursday night and again on Saturday night for preterm contractions. She's only 24 weeks along but she was having significant contractions. They gave her a shot to make them stop and they took her blood and conducted some other tests to make sure she wasn't in labor and didn't have an infection. All of the tests came back negative so they gave her some oral medication to take in case the contractions come back.

I haven't exercised since Tuesday. However, I do have personal training tomorrow morning. Luckily I have not gained any weight this week, still at 214.5. Although I did eat like crap tonight at my dad's super bowl party. :(

That's all for now. I hope to have a better week starting tomorrow!
 
Derrick said:
Hi girls. Thanks for posting again! Makes me feel better knowing some people are reading and empathizing. :)

I've had a rough past few days because we had to take my wife to the hospital on Thursday night and again on Saturday night for preterm contractions. She's only 24 weeks along but she was having significant contractions. They gave her a shot to make them stop and they took her blood and conducted some other tests to make sure she wasn't in labor and didn't have an infection. All of the tests came back negative so they gave her some oral medication to take in case the contractions come back.

I haven't exercised since Tuesday. However, I do have personal training tomorrow morning. Luckily I have not gained any weight this week, still at 214.5. Although I did eat like crap tonight at my dad's super bowl party. :(

That's all for now. I hope to have a better week starting tomorrow!
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Kids are a pain in the butt right from a day 1... literally ;) 24 weeks is pretty scary... glad to hear she's doing better. Positive thoughts!!!

I think everyone ate like crap today... I'm still doing it :blush5: Wasn't even that good of a game. Doritos commercials were good but that was about it. But it's good food, good drink and great company :)

Here's to a better week!!!
Marie
 
Hi Marie! I hope your week is going well. I can't say that mine is. My eating has been so so but I have only exercised once and that was on Monday. I had personal training in the morning. We focused on chest, shoulders and back. It wasn't the hardest workout but we did a lot of sets past failure so I was pretty sore for a couple days. Man is it Thursday already?

I have been moderately depressed for the past 7 to 10 days now and so far, no signs of it going away. It has been a while since I've been on the low end of the mood spectrum. Even when things got tough last year, I never got clinically depressed. I'm not really sure what even started this. Perhaps a new medication I started a couple weeks ago has something to do with it? Who knows? All I feel like doing is sleeping all day and all night. Hopefully this will go away soon. Funny because usually I would do anything to be able to get continuous sleep.
 
Get some exercise and you will feel better. Just on your own with your own thoughts - when you are with the personal trainer it doesn't give you much time to think about anything else - just pushing harder. Take a walk or do some yoga - something that gets your mind thinking about you. I know when I get in a funk it just keeps getting worse and worse until I do something about it - getting moving is usually the answer for me. Maybe it's the meds too, I'm no doctor - just sad to hear you are feeling this way. Hope it doesn't last long - you are strong and I think you will get your old self back. Maybe the weekend will give you some clarity. Take care of yourself Derrick!
 
Thanks Lisa. :) You certainly have a way of making people feel better and more optimistic. I had PT yesterday morning. We did legs, abs and arms. Today I walked a mile and jogged a mile.

I felt great all day until my wife and I discovered our 6 year old yellow lab is sneezing blood out his nose. I asked my uncle, who knows a lot about dogs, and he said that's not usually a good sign and that I should feel him for lumps. Sure enough he has a lump on his left side by his ribs. So he most likely has cancer and it is probably in his lungs. I'm pretty upset. The last lab we bought from the same breeder died when he was 8 from cancer. Now this lab may not even make it to 8. It's not fair. He showed no signs of this whatsoever. He is literally the most well behaved dog I have ever known or seen in my entire life. I was really hoping he would live to be 14, not 7. :(
 
awwww that's so very sad that ur fur baby is unwell.
It must be hard when a part of ur family is in that situation, all u can do is luff him..
Hugs to ur and ur lady and Lab..
 
Thank you Meshel for your sympathy. :) There is good news so far about my darn dog. The lump I found is just a fatty lump. Also, the vet is optimistic that the bloody sneezes are just a result of sneezing too much due to an irritant that got in his nose. So she gave me 10 days of antibiotics and steroids to get rid of the irritation. If the bloody sneezing does not go away after 10 days then they will have to sedate him and take an x-ray of his nose and head. I am optimistic he will be just fine though. Maybe God just used this to give me a reality check. Over the past couple of days I have come to realize I haven't been giving him the love and affection he needs. I've been so busy focusing on myself and my battle with bipolar that it has been hard enough to reserve enough energy for my wife and daughter let alone my dog. Hopefully I can now find the right balance and give all of them the love and affection they need and deserve.

Tomorrow I will post about my group therapy session this morning (Monday morning). I will also post about my exercising, nutrition and overall fitness progress.

Take care everyone and good night!

Derrick
 
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Derrick,

Good news about your puppy...wishing him a speedy recovery! I can surely relate...seems most of my canine "relationships" end tragically. The best dog I ever had I got in junior high...he loved me so much. I had to leave to go to college and leave him with my folks. I really neglected him during that time. I still feel guilty when I think about him...all he wanted was love. That's all most of them want...love and attention.

God wants us to love his creatures...but He wants us to love his people more! It's sure easier to love a dog sometimes than some of the people in my life!!! LOL

Have a blessed day brother!
Fit
 
I posted this in Alta's thread and thought it summarized my experience yesterday well enough to post in my own thread. It describes the epiphany and revelations I experienced yesterday morning.

I have been attending group therapy sessions for 4 weeks now for my bipolar disease. I had a breakthrough session this morning. It was nothing short of a defining moment in my life that I will never forget. It consisted of more bad news than good news but it was very educational. I finally solved the riddle of my emotional life. I finally realized not only the seriousness of my disease but also the prognosis of my future with or without medication. I finally know what I have to do, what I can expect for the future and more importantly, as you said a couple pages ago, the role perception plays in our lives. The jist of it is, as I found out today, without medication I become hypomanic, which is basically another word for euphoric. It is happening right now. I accidentally have not taken my medication for 4 days and it has kicked me into a state of hypomania. If I could just live my entire life in a state of hypomania I would be a great asset to this world. I say that because in my case I become extremely productive, motivated, loving and caring, creative and articulate. However, I also found out if I choose to live my life without medication, my disease will get worse and I will emotionally deteriorate. There is a 20% chance, yes I said 20, that I will eventually commit suicide.

Needless to say, it was crushing to hear that I can not afford to allow this euphoric state to continue and that I need to get back on my medication right away. It was crushing to know that I will soon be returning back to the middle of the emotional spectrum which basically feels quite boring to me. It was almost defeating to realize I have to live my life without hypomania. After all, hypomania helped me lose 58 pounds last year. Hypomania helped me do a mini triathlon. Hypomania makes me the best I can be.

Then I thought about how much group therapy has already taught me many new coping skills and other techniques to help me live a more balanced and productive life. I thought about the realism of perception. I thought about our abilities as human beings to learn and adapt. And I realized I am still in control. I can learn to make that middle ground funner and happier. I can take care of my body and my mind will reap some of the benefits. I can be more productive and energetic by simply eating healthier and making regular exercise an integral part of my life. I can create happiness by simply continuing to grow.

So this morning I started taking my meds again. At noon today I was still in a state of hypomania and thinking very quickly and clearly. So I decided to visit my parents and tell them all about it. I think we all cried at one point or another. It was very relieving for all of us. I feel like I can finally move on with my life.

I am quite proud of myself for sticking it out all of these years. So many times I felt like I was literally going insane but I fought hard to hold it together and do the right thing even when I wanted to lash out. Perhaps now, I can finally be at peace. Sure, life is still going to be challenging but perhaps I won't be as confused and lost anymore. Now I finally understand myself and what I have...and most of all, how to deal with it.

Derrick
 
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It's just before 10am as I start to type this. I'm at Panera but we still call it St. Louis Bread Company here in St. Louis, Missouri. Life is good right now and it has been for the past 6 days. Everything seems to be going well right now. I almost sense that most of my WLF buddies are doing better too. I noticed this several times last year also. It's almost as if 80% of us tend to do well together or have a rough go together for weeks or months on end. Then all of the sudden, together we seem to turn the tides. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. Again, it could just come down to perception. Regardless, I'm happy to see that so many of you are also doing well lately. I hope we all continue to kick ass in this weight loss thing and also in the journey of life.

On the exercise front I am doing quite well. Last week I did the typical Monday and Friday personal training sessions but I also found time to do cardio once or twice, I can't remember. The point is, I've been sticking with the exercise thing at least 3 times per week. However, this week I have felt so energetic and motivated that I added one more day of personal training. I did personal training on Monday morning and then again this morning. So when Friday comes around it will be the first time this year that I did personal training 3 times in one week. And let me tell you, the personal training is intense. You really feel like you are getting high quality workouts.

This morning we focused on back and legs. For the legs we lifted HEAVY!!! Just like a couple weeks ago, we did lying leg presses. We started with two 45's on each side and added one to each side every set. We got up to 10 reps of 6 on each side. Then we kept adding more but we lowered the reps to 5 on each side. I got all the way up to 9 45's on each side. So 5 reps of 810 lbs plus the rack which ways about 40 to 45 lbs. I couldn't believe I did 850 pounds. Then the jerk made me go back down! :toetap05: I hated him for that but I really do love the guy because he's an awesome personal trainer with a great personality to boot. For the back we mixed in several exercises. Just when you think you can't do any more and your muscles are toast, he makes you do one or two more sets. I always leave feeling great though.

My eating has been acceptable but still not good enough to melt the fat off. I think if I just keep trying I will eventually get it right. For me, as for many of us, the eating part is the hardest. I burn a lot of calories (700 to 1000) during my workouts and I just get really hungry later in the day. I try my best not to binge but I still end up eating a little too much or something I shouldn't like a little bit of junk food.

All in all, I am still hanging around 214 to 216 pounds. When you consider that I have put on some muscle over the past 11 weeks then I guess I can't complain. At the same time, I do need to lose more fat. Even 10 pounds of fat would make a big difference in my appearance. One year ago I was 195 and somewhere around 15% body fat. Today I believe I could achieve 15% body fat at just 200 pounds. Furthermore, if I really could get to my goal of 191, when you consider that I now have more muscle, I would be somewhere around 11% body fat! :)

Getting there is the hard part but also the fun part. That's why we call it a journey. ;)
 
I can create happiness by simply continuing to grow.
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So true. At least for me. I've never been happier with myself and, honestly, I don't have anything. I'm living with my parents to save money. My job will likely disappear in 2 months and I'll be unemployed. I don't really have many possessions. But I have a wonderful family and I'm growing and changing every day, getting healthy, and finally figuring out who I want to be. Congrats to you on your breakthrough. Sometimes we just gotta wean away all the bullshit and see how great life really is.
 
Hey thanks for posting. :) I miss seeing some of my old WLF buddies post in my thread but it's nice when anyone replies.

If you ever feel like you aren't doing well, just take a look at how far you have already come. I remind myself of this every so often.

Derrick
 
Hey Derrick
Glad to see things are turning around for you - as they are me! You are right about us working together and motivating each other and losing together! I'm sick of seeing everyone else produce results at the end of the week that it's my time to join the party! The eating is the hardest part so I think we just need to plan ahead more and really think about everything we are about to put in our mouths - lots of times I would find myself eating something just because it was there and not even because I really wanted it or liked it. Thinking about my choices more and tracking is really going to help me progress in this journey.
I am not giving up and I won't let you either. Pretty soon it will be us dropping the numbers!
Thanks for the nice words in my journal - have a great healthy weekend!:waving:
 
Hi Derrick; Great journal. Thanks for sharing so honestly about the extra challenges in your life. My father has bi-polar so I understand the illness very well and you've described the medication scenario to a T. My father was high achieving because of the hypomania but he also had several affairs while in that state which is apparently common. The denial he had over his illness was devastating to our family. My father was not diagnosed until the 1990s, when all of us kids were already grown up and raising our own kids. But he still operates on a high level of denial and in fact is improperly treated with solely anti-depressants.

So I respect you a LOT for the difficult road you are choosing because it will overall be better for your family and for yourself. The "boring" zone medication keeps you in, is almost like being less than you know you can be - I understand that. I'm glad you have your faith in God to give you the strength and solace you need.

Eating is the hardest part for me also. I look at Want2Lose's diary and see how disciplined she is at maintenance and it is truly inspiring. Her mix of protein, fat, and healthy carbs is nothing short of astounding. Good luck on balancing your output (workouts) with your input (diet) ... that is important.

Great diary and I'll be back. Have a good day Derrick.
 
Wow, sounds like your PT is really kicking your butt. Feels good doesn't it ;) It's amazing how much farther you can push yourself when someone else is there to really push you.
 
Lisa, I'm trying so hard in the eating department but I'm just not being as disciplined as I was when I lost all of my weight. I need to create my own signature that shows a graph of my weight loss/gain over the past 2 years so everyone knows a little about my history. From May 2008 to July of 2009 I simply kicked ASS in every department, including the diet department. I had it mastered. I was losing 2 to 3 pounds per week at my best and 0.5 to 1.0 pounds per week at my worst. I lost 58 pounds over that stretch and was all the way down to 193 by July of 2009.

Ever since going back on meds I have struggled so much to get it right in the eating department. And even when I do have a A- week, I simply maintain or maybe lose 0.5 pounds at the most. It's just really tough knowing I have to put forth a true A or A+ effort every week if I ever want to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week again. Not everyone knows just how much these damn meds really do mess with your metabolism. I'm not even sure if that is what they do but I know they make you gain weight quite rapidly. Just the fact that I have maintained my weight for the past 12 weeks makes me proud of myself. But I really do want to get back down below 200 again.

Anna, or is it Lili? My daughter's name is Annaliese and we call her Anna, of course. You sound like you are quite familiar with bipolar disorder. It's comforting to know that there are other people out there that either have the disorder themselves or understand it. I'm just happy I understand it so much better now and that I know what is best for me and my family. Luckily I have not had a full blown manic episode yet. I hope I never have one. Of course, I hope I never have the other extreme either, suicidal depression. :(

Marie, I love my PT! In a brotherly way of course. I wish I had lost some weight to show for him though. He must think I eat like a pig! :D
 
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Have you looked into the naturalpathic route at all?? If your medications are treading the cause, but causing symptoms... you maybe able to find a natural product to treat the symptoms. I know that many herbs are forbidden with many meds, but it might be worth a look. My problems were only hormonal, but I did have great success... and depending on your benefits, natualpathic Dr's and thier prescriptions may be covered.
 
I have never went that route because I don't know much about it. I'm willing to give it a try though.
Before I spend a lot of time learning yet another method of weight loss, I am going to ask my doctor about prescription diet pills. I normally would not consider it but it almost seems necessary considering the fact that I already have a prescription weight gain pill. I mean that's basically what my damn meds are. They are primarily mood stabilizers but secondarily weight gainers. I can't tell you how many people at group therapy complained about the weight they have gained since starting on psychiatric medication. I felt lucky when I heard how much weight some of the people had gained.

Or I may just keep relying on working my ass off at the gym and fighting tooth and nail in every other aspect of my life. :biggrinjester:

Last Friday I had personal training again. We did mostly core work and for the first time in a year, kickboxing! It wasn't the same as I used to do with my personal trainer last year but it was still a great workout and lots of fun. I got my heart rate up to 190 max and I burned 917 calories in 1 hour and 3 minutes.

Unfortunately I did not workout over the weekend and I was too tired to get up this morning. I also weighed 217.0 yesterday morning so that was a bummer. I'm hoping it was just a high day and I'll be back down to the 214 or 215 range ASAP.

Regardless, I'm still going to stick with the personal training at least twice a week and cardio twice a week. My goal is to try to get at least 4 workouts per week whether I do personal training once or three times.

In the food department, I had a good day today but not such a good weekend. I am going to try to stop eating anything after dinner and I'm going to use slimfast as my snack(s) during the day. I'll see where that gets me for a while.

Derrick
 
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