Curvie Girlie The Diary: Mind Playin' Tricks on Me

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May you be blessed with TONS of COURAGE & LOTS OF LOVE for the rest of ETERNITY!!!

:cry: Oh Val. :grouphug:.....there are no words I could think of to even say, except I'm sorry.....I can't help but let the tears roll down my cheeks right now! I can't and CAN imagine what you are going through! This is so painful, and I completely understand why it is you are in a funk, and I completely understand why CHRIS chooses to live for YOU! I mean, how many times, in a MULTITUDE of life times, can you actually find someone as SPECIAL AND KIND HEARTED as you?!?!? YOU DON'T VAL!!!.....:( I would be devastated too as his situation gets worse,....it's draining to try and help, and not be successful for longevity! I ADORE AND LOVE WHO YOU ARE! CHRIS AND YOU ARE BOTH ANGELS!!!! :grouphug: I hope that you don't ever let him die in your heart, so you don't have to attend that funeral as the last time you see him........:angel:
 
GAWD Alta!!! Make me puke! ;)

No, thank you very much. Um, embarrassingly yes I get the feeling he is "living for" me at this point. I wish it weren't so, but what can I do? I manage to cheer him up a lot and I try very hard to steer his negative talk to the positive, and it works, but not all the time and it works much better in person than over the phone.

Courage? Yes I have plenty. I've been though enough to know what it all feels like. I don't have any self pity or laments about my life, either. And I'm the best friend anyone could ask for as long as I'm treated right. Chris treats me like solid gold and always teaches me things. We're great friends, I just wish he was healthy. I'm not going to fall apart any time soon but my day of reckoning WILL arrive.....
 
I'm very sorry to hear about all this Val. It would be so hard to be dealing with it all. I do agree that perhaps Chris needs to talk with a professional who knows how to deal with all the suicide thoughts and deep depression he has been facing. As a friend, your doing everything you can and then some, and I know it's really hard and unfair for him to put the "suicide threat" out there, especially on you basically... but at least you understand that he is really sick both physically, and is having some mental health issue too it sounds like. I don't really have too much experience with any of this but I know you have to remember you and your sanity. Tough stuff honey, hang in there :( We're all here for you :)

-Sam
 
I'm very sorry to hear about all this Val. It would be so hard to be dealing with it all. I do agree that perhaps Chris needs to talk with a professional who knows how to deal with all the suicide thoughts and deep depression he has been facing. As a friend, your doing everything you can and then some, and I know it's really hard and unfair for him to put the "suicide threat" out there, especially on you basically... but at least you understand that he is really sick both physically, and is having some mental health issue too it sounds like. I don't really have too much experience with any of this but I know you have to remember you and your sanity. Tough stuff honey, hang in there :( We're all here for you :)

-Sam

Hey sweetie.. So sorry.. :hug2:

Sam has said everything perfectly. (my thoughts as well so to speak.)

:grouphug:
 
Thank you, all, very very much :grouphug:

Chris has been seeing a psychiatrist for years....doesn't help much. Apparently I help him better by being his buddy and taking him out......
 
Thank you, all, very very much :grouphug:

Chris has been seeing a psychiatrist for years....doesn't help much. Apparently I help him better by being his buddy and taking him out......


Yeah, I kinda figured that. Sometimes all someone needs is a buddy who can take their mind of all the awful shit, even just for awhile....
 
All I can say is Damn, Val, if I were ever in a place lik eChris... I would be honored to have someone like you around to keep me going. I don't envy you, but I do admire you.

It is tough not to lose yourself in someone elses problems though. Make sure you keep a place for yourself (in your own mind) that is just for you, because that can be a slippery slope when you inernalyze the problems of someone you care about as your own.

Take care!
 
We all need Buddy-Love! :grouphug:


On a sidenote:

My life during the week has been very methodical: up at 6am, am Yoga if I'm not too tired (was too tired this morning, but I folded laundry instead--FUN!), commute 45-50 minutes to work, work, sometimes run on my lunch break (not lately--saving myself for the half marathon), going to the gym or going running after work, going to evening Yoga class, catching a bite to eat, commuting the 45-50 minutes home at 9pm, getting home, talking to Barre and/or Tatiana, crashing exhausted in bed after chanting/meditation/and/or card reading (which always bumps my spirits up in a happy way). I USED to: do the same thing except instead of Yoga from 7:30-9, I'd hang out with friends, drinking beer or going out to eat, come home at 11, crash, wake up at 6:45 tired and/or hungover, and commute to work.

This drunk-free lifestyle has been great, but the past few weeks I slowly SLOWLY started to feel slightly nostalgic for my old lifestyle, or basically new stimulus. Quitting alcohol has not made me lose much weight--I started out September at about 145 and went up to 147 and down to 142, but ended at 145. I have been eating A LOT because I've been working out A LOT. Not to mention, my body is apparently liking where it's at because it sort of keeps me here with my appetite controlling the set-point. Since I was training, I decided it was unwise to deprive myself, and I also have been eating plenty of healthy fats (nuts, seeds, avocado, dark chocolate) because I know it's all good for my joints and stuff (runners need that fat!).

Still, with the absence of excessive alcohol, there were sugar cravings :reddevil: and I took a fancy to ice cream and cookies more than I wanted to. That and a few friends/family events where I over-ate due to jollity. :party:

But it seems like whenever I went to 143-142, a while later I got an incredible appetite and ate myself up to 145-ish. Hmmm.

Blessing: I like myself at 145, even though I like myself best under 144. 2 pounds DOES make a difference because at this size, I can see where the fat goes. If you have ever seen a model pound of fat....wait I'm thinking of the model 5 pounds of fat. It's pretty gross.

Anyway, POINT IS, quitting drinking was not the magical weight loss "trick" for me. However, as I have been maintaining (give or take 2 pounds), I betcha if I was guzzling beer I'd be up another couple pounds or more, possibly (not getting enough sleep makes my will power fall to the fucking floor the next day--when I'm tired, I eat, and when I'm drinking on a given night, my sleep is fair at best). HOWEVER, it has only been a month....I'm just strategizing my weight loss, here. At this point in my journey, I'm kind of wondering how the hell I got to 143 lbs in the first place, this summer! :eek: What was I doing/not doing?!?!!? I wish I would have tracked it.

Anyway, Friday after work I'm going to my MMA enthusiast S/'s house in Mountain View to have dinner and watch old Prides and crash, so on my way home I can pick up my racing packet at the San Jose Rock n Roll Half Marathon's Open Fair (I have to do this, or pay extra to have it mailed--screw that) before working at the winery, and after winery work I'm going to my girl friend's ex boyfriend's (gulp!) house to kick it, go to a costume party until midnight, say sianarha, borrow his keys, crash at his pad, and leave early for the race (he lives in South San Jose, a 15 minute drive to downtown). He's a very nice guy and my girl friend broke up with him on very amicable terms. Still, he's doing me a favor and it IS a little odd for me. My hermit-ness, which is out of character to begin with, is nervous about hanging out with him and his housemate without homegirl around for the first time, and also about going to the costume party (where I'll be wearing my belly dancing outfit and will most likely have to perform periodically, and I'm a horrible amateur with only a Game Face to save me).

Still, I'm excited to hang out with male company that isn't Chris. Granted, I'm looking forward to tonight.....I just hope I can cheer him up.

He's not going to get his transplant, he found out :cry: It's a matter of time.......Jeezus this is like a Soap Opera!!! :(
 
All I can say is Damn, Val, if I were ever in a place lik eChris... I would be honored to have someone like you around to keep me going. I don't envy you, but I do admire you.

It is tough not to lose yourself in someone elses problems though. Make sure you keep a place for yourself (in your own mind) that is just for you, because that can be a slippery slope when you inernalyze the problems of someone you care about as your own.

Take care!

Well thank you--I get that a lot. People seem to think that a normal person wouldn't want to deal with a dying/psychotic/depressed friend, LOL. They don't know Chris--that he's a genius and knows SO MUCH about SO MUCH that's cool to me: Japanese culture, physics, Artillery, cooking, baking, chocolate-making, wine, espionage, history, rock climbing.....the list goes on and on. He's an intellectual at his best, fair, reasonable, charming, intelligent, objective, astute, emotionally intuitive......when I'm down, he'll cheer me up any way he knows how, and sometimes randomly gets me gifts that he knows I'd enjoy, unlike any boyfriend I've ever had! And he shares whatever he has with me, and usually it's delicious food, wine and beer (of which I don't indulge as much as I used to).

But yeah his dark side is depressive, self-pitying, overly emotionally, childish, overly-apologetic (I'm constantly hearing "I'm sorry" from him, it drives me NUTS!) and self-destructive like there is no way out for him. Given his home life and health history, it's little wonder. not to mention he was home-schooled and act old-fashioned because he got his culture from watching OLD TV sitcoms. I think he started going to college at 15......


I definitely keep "me" days where I don't see him or talk to him--problem is he's in way worse shape when we DO meet again than if I'd just call him everyday to check up. But thanks for the kind words.
 
Bunny, it's race time this weekend. Time to get your head wrapped around that. Tomorrow, make sure to do your yoga in the morning, then perhaps again before the party. Get things centered in your head and heart. Then, have a good time. Remember, it's less then two days and it's party time. :party:
 
Hey Lovely! :)

My H has lost about 8lbs pretty much just from cutting out the booze. Dontcha just hate men sometimes? :ack2:

I've seen pics of you at 145, and I think you look fantastic. :)

Sounds like you are a very busy bunny these days. I hope the transplant helps Chris. Will this make it more likely that he'll not die after all? I hope so. I'm sure that in his situation I'd be having the same issues he's having--especially the self pity..lol.

I went to an Obama rally today. Check out my diary for some pics. :D
 
Hey Lovely! :)

My H has lost about 8lbs pretty much just from cutting out the booze. Dontcha just hate men sometimes? :ack2:

I've seen pics of you at 145, and I think you look fantastic. :)

Sounds like you are a very busy bunny these days. I hope the transplant helps Chris. Will this make it more likely that he'll not die after all? I hope so. I'm sure that in his situation I'd be having the same issues he's having--especially the self pity..lol.

I went to an Obama rally today. Check out my diary for some pics. :D

Yes I hate men sometimes. HAHA! ;) Juuuuuuuussst kidding.

Thank you very much, you're a rick star for maintaining your weight thus far into the pregnancy! Ya know, a woman is SUPPOSED to have extra fat on her for pregnancy for energy stores, so it's hard for us to get that off of us because our bodies are like, "But what if there's famine?" Course, with all the doom and gloom from people I know who let politics ruin their lives, you'd figure there IS going to be one. Maybe I shouldn't lose these 5 pounds I want to AFTERALL :rolleyes:

Bad news: Chris told me he's not getting the transplant. It is a matter of time, now :( I'm basically just going to be there for him until the end. Oh well! Not like a bunch of other people haven't been through this--watching a loved one waste away.
 
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