Curvie Girlie The Diary: Mind Playin' Tricks on Me

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I woke up this morning from a TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE that someone was attacking my mom and I had to regulate. :boxing: It sucked so bad, and then my alarm went off right as I was trying to go back to sleep (there was fog all the way up in the mountains this morning so the darkness threw me off).

I awoke all heavy and tired and I didn't know why. Then I realized, DUH, STUPID! Ya weight trained and did Yoga right after yesterday!!! :willy_nilly: I am so obtuse sometimes *shakes head*

My mood is crappy and I don't know why. Yoga and meditation works for about an hour afterward, but that wonderful and peaceful euphoric feeling I had all last month? Gone. :waving: WTF? Am I wearing myself out with my routine? From my records it shows I'm in the luteal phase of my cycle, and around this time goodbye :waving: happy neurotransmitters. Call it PMS. Good thing I'm not under any stress lately.

Last night I decided to perceive my half marathon like this:

Sunday I'm going to spend about 2 hours doing what I enjoy, with a lot of people who likewise enjoy some of the same things I do. Period.​

Right? Right???

Yes.

Chris is doing worse and worse and he's suicidal again. Hmmm, maybe that's my problem. My best buddy's immanent death? There are so many factors! :willy_nilly: Tonight I'm going to try to convince him not to off himself, as I have many many times. He reminds me often that if it weren't for me, he claims, he'd be dead by now. His parents are making him more and more crazy and depressed. His parents are both kind of insane--his dad from being in the military for decades and his mom from a disease and the fact that she is disabled because she has NO HANDS. Anyway, as a bummer as it all is, it's my life. I have to deal with a dying friend I love dearly. As he wastes away and deliberates if he should take himself early. At least he's otherwise a genius and a delight to be around....when he's not in a diabetic coma or in a self-pitying depressive cycle. Sigh!

I overate yesterday, but skipped dinner and went to bed early. I have a menu plan today that if I stick to it, today and yesterday's calories added up and divided in 2 will equal out to maintenance and I can start trying to hit deficits tomorrow. I'm not worried too much about it, because I might wait until AFTER the halfer.
 
Happychubette said:
Will be cheering you on this Sunday. You're sure to do well. How long have you been doing yoga? This seems to be something new since I was here last, although I've been gone several months.
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Hi Kelly!

You're both right and wrong. I have been doing Yoga on and off, mostly off, since I was 18 or 19. My mom and aunt do it almost every day themselves and I had their influence I suppose. But yes, I didn't get serious about it (doing it more than 1 to 2 times a week) until September this year, so about a month now I've been doing it at least 5 times a week, sometimes twice a day. Thanks for the encouragement!
 
Alta818 said:
I found a half marathon too......the day after my birthday....December 13th!!! :hurray:
All this race talk, has me motivated to really start whipping out the running again!....I really just want that little number to clip on my shirt! CHEEEEEEEEA! and GIMME MY Free shirt too....kinda free...LOL! :coolgleamA:
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WOW, no way! You're going to start training??? I'll come by your diary today and check it out.....:bigear:
 
Trops said:
Hey, Bunny. I've been thinking about the half marathon myself. My times aren't that good, and my distance isn't there yet, but I think that I might be able to. There is a big one here in May. It's a half/full. I don't think there is a chance in hell that I'll be doing a full, but a half seems really possible at this point. Good luck.
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I think that would be a great goal! Hell, this halfer has seemed like a great goal but I haven't reached it yet, so......

Train! And I'll be cheering YOU one soon :hurray: Thanks for the luck!
 
sammyboy24 said:
I'm working on getting my runs in but my lung power is a little down I think because of this last week off... I'm going to have to work at getting back up to my 4 milers. It'll happen tho ;)
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Hell yes it'll happen! Lung capacity, yeah....can suck. My asthma is so weird.....it's like, questionable. I never quite know if I should be doing something other than exercising, about it. Anyway, yes, PUSH YOURSELF Sam--by now I want to see FIVE MILES :gnorsi:
 
MissDFITT said:
Hey Beautiful. Just thought I would check in. I am sure you will do just fine on your halfer this weekend. And I have a feeling you will complete it without stopping. :) Your 5K times are amazing. I aspire to have times like that someday, but right now I'm just worried about finishing without stopping. But someday I will have a great time... its never too late right?

Happy Hump Day.
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Hey Gorgeous! ;) Thank you very much--it's never too late, that's for sure. I keep expecting myself to get faster as I get older then I realize, Oh, yeah, I kinda hafta DO HIIT to get faster :( Ugh, oh gawd! :puke: I'm looking forward to you getting to be a great runner soon :D
 
This morning a thought occurred to me that I might volunteer for Christmas for the Salvation Army to deliver hot meals to disabled/elderly in San Francisco.

My dad wasn't much of a father, but he took me two times, once on TG and once on Xmas, mainly because he hated family stuff. But yes, he was a Virgo, he liked to help people :D I looked up to him for volunteering. A carpenter and mechanic, he did a LOT of free work for old disabled people he knew personally, too. I dunno if I will for sure, but usually when I get an idea in my head I manifest it accordingly. I'd prefer to bring a guy with me, or a few friends, or maybe one of my little friends (just kidding) because we deliver to really sketchy neighborhoods. Hmmm......I'll do some research.
 
I'm sorry to hear that Chris is deepening into his depression. Really tough, especially when unlike most people who contemplate it, he has a real reason to do it. He just has to keep in focus that he also has real reasons not to do it.

Perhaps you can recruit him to do the Salvation Army delivery thing with you. He having a commitment that he is expected to adhere to might help him through the times of doubt. Besides, helping others is in itself, a reason to keep on living.
 
I seriously was going to ask him. I'm having a hard time logging onto the S.A. website--not working right now. He can't walk up and down stairs all day but it would be nice to have him around, anyway. Yesterday he went into his "Lost and confused" episode--sometimes his brain can't comprehend where he is or WHO he is. He says he learned not to panic and wait it out....sounds awful :(
 
Are there support groups in your area for him? And for you? There are people who deal with this, and deal with it well. You might want to talk to some to get ideas on how you can help him, and how he can help himself.
 
That's a good idea. He's perpetually depressed and feels trapped all the time. I'm constantly trying to be upbeat and offer him solutions to problems. He tries some things, and despairs at others. My commuting takes a lot of my time, and so do my workouts. It's my own problem for filling my spare time with hours of activity. But yeah, better work on my mental and emotional health, too.

I thought I could "look within" and concentrate and meditate and feel happy. I could and I did. But it's not going to work all the time, forever. I think we both need help........Chris and I
 
Geez Val, that is so rough. Sorry to hear the both of you are going through this. My heart goes out to him. I wish I had some way of helping.
 
Thank you Steve. I feel that way all the time, and it's the impotence, ineffectiveness, failure, and helplessness that gets to me sometimes. Other times I try to forget about it all, and I do....then he calls me telling me he's "freaking out, here" and I soothe him or go over to his house and hang out, or take him out with my friends, or whatever I can do. The he's OK.....for 24-48 hours, then everything positive I've done is UNDONE and he's back to suicide again....:banghead:
 
Then I tell him I feel helpless and I wish I could do more, and he tells me calling him helps a lot. Then I say I dunno if I can handle his depression, and he says "Am I scaring you away? I always scare people away" and I assure him that I am NOT going to and I WOULD HAVE already. Then he tells me he's paranoid and screwed up. Then he tells me he's going to take a bunch of his pills and I tell him he better not....and on and on and on and on......
 
How long have you and Chris been friends? I get the sense that it's been many years. He knows that you aren't going away, it's just the depression kicking in. It happens to those of us that are "normal" and when it hits him it's that much stronger of a hit.

Stay strong.
 
Ditto that.

And I agree with Trop, in this particular situation I'd be seeking help from someone who is very familiar with this sort of thing. I can't imagine doing it on my own.
 
Chris and I have been friends since late 2006, so not SO long.

His brain is seriously FUCKED from all the meds he takes and has taken. He's on anti-psychotics as well.

I'll look, but the problem is this:

CHRIS IS THE WORST DIABETIC IN THE WORLD. NO ONE HAS A CONDITION LIKE HIS, AND THE BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS LIKE HE IS, SO THEY GAVE UP ON HIM. BECAUSE THEY WANT TO LOOK GOOD, UNDERSTANDING SOMETHING. SINCE IT IS JUST HIM, IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO LOSE FACE.

He is #2 in the world record for highest blood sugar, somewhere over 1500.....at one point.

He died once, and woke out of it. With a blood sugar of ZERO which is impossible, pretty much. He was in his car for 5 hours before he managed to revive himself. The doctors confirmed rigor mortise was setting into his legs.

And that's just part of it all.........
 
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