~*~ Confessions and Thoughts of a Girl Looking to the Future~*~

Boam46

Boam46

New member
Hi everyone. My name is Jenna and welcome to my journal.

I joined the forum a few days ago and have attempted to start this a couple times. I have been scared to begin and I'm not very sure where to begin; so, some basic stats seem to be the best place. I am 21 years old and currently weigh 270.6 pounds. On June 1st I weighed 281.6 pounds. I am only 5' tall. My goal weight is 135 pounds. I do not have a specific date or time frame in which I would like to lose the weight. I just want it to come off naturally. You see, I have reached a turning point in my life. I woke up a couple of weeks ago and realized that at the end of august I will be graduating from college and turning a year older. A time that should be joyous; however, I lack confidence in myself, I barely have any self esteem, and even though I only have a bright future to look forward to all I can think about is how I can't stand how I look. I have one year before I start law school. Something that I have looked forward to most of my life. I want to enter law school feeling more confident in myself and my abilities. I am not doing this only because I want to look better, rather, I want to have a healthy future; both physically and mentally. I feel the best place to begin is with managing my weight.

I know 135 is a very ambitious goal but I am committed to having healthy eating habits and exercise. I played multiple sports at a time for most of my life. I was also overweight for most of my life. How did I end up so large? My senior year of high school while throwing shot put on the track team I seriously hurt my arm that turned into a 3 and a half year ordeal of surgery, occupational therapy and physical therapy all the while I could not exercise at all. I was not able to be active and I was already overweight but I did not change my eating habits and over the last 5 years I have just gained and gained and gained. I am not even sure how I let it get so out of control. I have attempted to lose weight over that time period but I always reach a plateu and give up. I just need to get past the plateu and keep going. 2 years ago I was doing really well with going to the gym and eating well then I just gave up. I still have not forgiven myself for it. I feel that I failed and have been too nervous to go back to the gym. My boyfriend has been helping me be active to build up my confidence before i go back. We play boxball, football, baseball, walk, and we're goign to start riding bikes soon. Even with all of my weight I am in pretty good shape, when I do cardio I can last an hour without being out of breath and overly tired and I am pretty strong.

I just want to change for the better for my future. I am hoping with the support of this forum; seeing that there are others having similar experiences. I will not feel so alone in my journey and then maybe just maybe I will be able to make it to the end.

I'm not sure how this journal works. I may have written too much but I just allowed my heart to pour out. I thank you for taking the time to read and listen to me.

~Jenna:)
 
you are off to a great start with your diary -glad to have you here and looking forward to reading more from you as you take steps futher into your journey to be where you want :)

Have fun while you're here and doin't be shy about asking questions.. :D
 
Welcome

Hi!! Your story is like mine. I identified myself with your feelings about weight, health, and giving up just when you where on track. It is good to have a partner that encourages you to keep going. It is good that you are planning sports activities with your boyfriend. That is a great motivation.

Keep going, never give up!!!!!

chimistar
 
Hi...

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday. The end of a semester could be sooo hectic. Yesterday I drank over 8 liters of water. Can you drink too much water?!? I'm doing really well with the eating. Better than I ever have. I started on June 1st and have no cheated at all yet. I havn't even wanted to cheat. I think I want to lose weight so badly that my mind won't even let me think about cheating.

I have realized that my scale had started not to work. Of course at the time when I finally need it to tell me my actual weight it starts to fluctuate like crazy. Yesterday it told me i gained 16 pounds :confused: I don't even think that's not even possible if i gorged myself for a week straight. I'm not sure what I'm goign to do about weighing myself because I kinda need the daily reinforcement. I know that's just a mental thing but i kind of obsess over it. Although, obesession is not a good thing. I guess that I will weight myself when I finally go back to the gym I'm hoping i'll feel up to it by the end of the month.

I've been playing boxball everyday. I started running sprints across our parking lot, its not large just like 10 spots with some give on the ends. Anyway, the sprints do not make me out of breath I figure that's a really good thing. I just need a little more confidence to go back to the gym.

Well its time to get back to schoolwork.

Thank you for reading,

Jenna
 
Hi Jenna (so proud I finally know your name now! lol)
I know what you mean about broken scales: they can be quite frustrating! And I agree with you: a gain of 16 lbs sounds ridiculous!
I'm really impressed about the sprints! I do my workouts in the dark and in my living room or in my bedroom - talk about self conscious, eh! - so kudos to you on that! It already shows more confidence then me! :D

now I have to look up what boxball is.... ;)
 
Hello =0)

Today I realized that I am not eating enough calories. I'm not doing it on purpose but im really a one or two meal a day kinda person. I find I have to force myself to eat food and I'm still not getting near 1200 calories. I'm not sure what to do.

Today I ate:

A yogurt: 60 calories

Dinner: grilled chicken with some cheese tomato broccoli and spinach 400

A brown rice cake: 70 calories

I'm not sure how to get my calorie intake up. I hate force feeding myself but I guess I have to. For tomorrow I'm planning on eating a yogurt for breakfast, leftover chicken with carrots (i love baby carrots its the one thing i snack on)for lunch, cheerios for a snack, and whatever dinner is. I'm going to a baseball game so I'm not sure what I'm goign to be able to get for dinner.

I ordered a body fat analyzer and a body measuring tape and I'm going to use those to measure my progress since my scale isn't great. Once I get back to the gym I'll weight myself there like once a week or something. I have to stop obsessing over the number.

Good night,
Jenna
 
Hello:jump:

I think I did better today.

I ate: a yogurt, leftover chicken from last night, some carrots, a grilled chicken sammich, and a brown rice cake. I'm trying to get used to eating throughout the day; instead of binging at night. Does anyone have any advice on how to get your body used to eating throughout the day?

I'm doing real well with the food but the exercise not too great. I really need to work on that. The only exercise I had today was playing fetch with my cat (with her mouse) and chasing her across the apartment.

My face is starting to look thinner. I like that seeing something in the mirror makes me feel good. Most of the time when I look in the mirror I feel like I don't recognize myself. Almost like I'm in a suit and I want to unzip it and step out. I can't wait until I actually want to look in the mirror. I think for tomorrow I'm going to try and make a list of things about me I like or enjoy. Thinking positive a little couldn't hurt :)

~Jenna
 
Good Morning,

This morning I convinced my Boyfriend to walk with me to get him coffee and cigarettes instead of me driving. Its just a walk around the cornor but its more exercise than just getting into the car and going through the drive through.

Food wise today so far I have had a yogurt and a liter of water. Does everyone know about danon light and fit yogurt? It has no fat, no sugar added, and only 60 calories. They also taste wonderful!

I hope everyone has a great day.

~Jenna
 
Hey girl! I found your diary and I hafta say that I admire your optimism. :) I started this place back in Jan or Dec, can't remember, but it has really helped me. I talk about everything in my diary! It's YOUR place to vent and talk.

You asked about eating throughout the day and I think you mentioned being a smoker. So, like it or not, smoking could be the problem. I have nothing against smoking, I've quit and re-started a million times. But thought I'd give you the heads-up on that.

Isn't it exciting to have your face thin out!? Great progress! Keep it up!

I'll be around.
 
Hey SoSel,

Thanks for the support! I don't smoke or drink the coffee. Those are for my boyfriend. I just generally drive him every morning to get them. Today I convinced him to talk a walk with me instead.

~Jenna
 
Hello!

I did it! I went to the gym :) I didn't stay for long but i got myself there. I did 15 minutes on the elliptical, 1.3 miles, and stayed aboved 60 rotations per minute usually about 65 or 66 and even made it up to 70 for a couple of minutes. I only did 15 minutes because I did not want to burn myself out. Also on the exercise front today I took the walk this morning, played boxball, i did 120 crunches forward and 60 on each side. I don't know why I was scared to start exercising again.

Food so far today: 1 yogurt, a side salad no dressing with some grilled Mahi Mahi, 1 multigrain pretzel, some cheerios. I'm really trying to eat throughout the day. For dinner tonight we're going out so we'll see what I get.

Right now I am just very happy that I got to the gym eventhough it was only for a short period of time.

Good Evening
~Jenna:hug2:
 
Hello,

I went to the gym again today. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical on just a slightly slower pace and went for 2.33 miles. Not bad for only my second day back. Over the next week I'll get myself back up to the 1 hour of cardio I used to do. The elliptical is my preferred cardio but I do go on the treadmill every once in awhile. Sometimes I split it 30 on elliptical 30 on treadmill. Once I get the hour of cardio on a regular regiment I'll start with weight training again.

I am also ordering a jump rope to be able to do some cardio at home. I also ordered ankle weights to wear all day. I used to do this when I was very athletic.

I weighed myself at the gym. On their scale with all my cloths and my sneakers it has me at 274.6. I am going to have to go by their weight from now on. I only wish I knew what my true starting weight was with cloths on on their scale but I will never know.

At school I started leaving home a little earlier and parking my car across campus from where my classes are instead of at the closest garage. I also started taking the stairs instead of the elevators. I'm trying to make as many steps towards a healthier lifestyle as possible. Its amazing how much the small things matter.

~Jenna
 
Hi Jenna!
Your story is like mine, I'm graduating from college this year too. I know how you feel. For me, it's like there's this whole life ahead of me, but the way I look is prohibiting me from looking forward. 11 pounds is so great! Congratulations!

I know you'll do great, just keep it up! And if you ever need some encouragement, be sure to PM me.

xoxo
Carrie.
 
Hi Jenna!

Okay you're motivating me to get my workout going today (it's already 9:45 PM too... I think my neighbors hate me! My roommate is so indulgent, thank goodness!).

And you are right: all the small steps, accumulated, make a whole lot of difference! Trust me, at times, I couldn't fit in lots of things, but making lots of different efforts (I have a sweet tooth and I'm a sucker for tasty cheese, add to that that I'm quite sedentary, eek!) improved things!

Hope you are doing great! :)
 
Hi dear! Thanks for stopping by the diary. It's my second one since I've been here and I feel like a wreck. I need about 5 diaries so I can write about everything and keep my mind straight! I'm glad to see you're still going strong. It'll pay off. And if ya need any extra help, message me anytime. (My accountability partner fell through.) ~shrugs~ Good luck and keep going!

Selena
 
Earlier today I felt like I was on a high. I was feeling good. Excited for the last week of the semester. Excited I finally got to the gym. I went back there today I did 45 minutes on the elliptical without stopping. I didn't think I would get there so fast. I also bought a pair of 5lb ankle weights yesterday (2.5 pounds on each ankle) and I walked around with them on all day. I even wore them while i was on the elliptical.

Right now I feel so low. I don't know why. I'm just crying and crying I can't figure out why. There's no real reason I just am. This eating this is also so frustrating. I've always pretty much been a binge eater. Starting from when I was just a very young child about 3 or 4 because i was a little chubby they started restricting everything from me. I just learned to binge from there. As I got older my brothers could eat anything they'd like but even though I couldn't be anymore athletic and was extremely overweight or obese everything was restricted for me. Whenever I was able to get to the food I just wanted whether or not it was good for me I was just take in as much as possible. I mean I would even sit down and eat a whole bag of carrots. I would also as a child in my EXTREMELY unstable house and such used food as a crutch. I really regret it now. In college I just started getting busy all day so I wouldn't eat and then I would eat dinner and binge at night. So eating consistent calories throughout the day is so difficult for me. I don't make the time to eat i guess its just not in the front of my mind. Its so frustrating.

On top of the eating issues the scale seems to have frozen. My body is obviously changing but the scale has frozen. Its just not budging. Its so frustrating. I got a measuring tape and measured a jillon parts of my body and I'm going to start using measurement as a sign of progress. I guess I'm just so FRUSTRATED. I'm also very scared of failure. I always have been. This is the first time I'm putting all the effort I can into something. I usually just put in the bare minimum so that if I fail I didn't waste all my effort. Even school I've been lucky enough that it just comes naturally so I just do really well. If I put effort over the bare minimum in I could probably have all A's but since I don't put the effort in having an A- average is acceptable to me. I guess my life has turned me into all or nothing and I really wish I could change it. It just really really seems like an impossible task.

Tonight I am frustrated and emotionally drained.

~Jenna
 
I think we all get frustrated at times, especially when we are commited to something like losing weight. You are starting your weight loss at a great time in life. I gained a bunch of weight in university and kept gaining after I was done. Now I am 35 and finally giving this a shot.

I am with you on the emotionally draining part, I feel like that as well at times. You have done great this far, you can keep it up too.
 
Well this morning the scale finally moved yay!!! It made me feel alittle bit better. My boyfriend also pointed something out to me. I have been drinking about 8 liters of water a day if not more. So eventhough I have been going to the bathroom constantly from it (very annoying!) I'm also probably retaining a lot of it too. On Thursday I'm going to put my jeans on for the first time since I started this so hopefully there a little big. Just a tiny bit will do I just want something lol

I think I'm doing better with the food today. I'm really trying. When I woke up I had a yogurt, during my first class I had carrots, during my second I had some low fat granola (I didn't finish the whole half cup), and I just had a snack packet of the Kashi original 7 grain crackers. I'm not sure what else I'm going to eat today but I'm trying to just eat throughout the day. My calorie count is still low, 60 from the yogurt, 100 from the granola, 130 from the crackers, and I only ate like 8 carrots I don't know the calories in there but it can't be too many.

I don't think I'm going to make it to the gym today its upsetting but I have a paper due tomorrow and I'm taking a final so that means lots of time for schoolwork, not much time for the gym. At least I'm trying.

~Jenna
 
If you want to track cals, check out this neat site I used to use (and probably need to again) sparkpeople.com. It has cal trackers, diet help, it can give you a diet plan, and all kinds of neat stuff. Like I know that I don't get enough protein or good fat. I used to use it religiously until, well, i fell off the wagon.
Keep going strong! I'm fighting to re-lose some of the weight I lost earlier this year. I want to scream at myself. Have you written the list of why you want to lose weight or maybe made a poster of the things you want to achieve? It helps to have something to look back on. Good luck! :]
 
Boam46 said:
Earlier today I felt like I was on a high. I was feeling good. Excited for the last week of the semester. Excited I finally got to the gym. I went back there today I did 45 minutes on the elliptical without stopping. I didn't think I would get there so fast. I also bought a pair of 5lb ankle weights yesterday (2.5 pounds on each ankle) and I walked around with them on all day. I even wore them while i was on the elliptical.

Right now I feel so low. I don't know why. I'm just crying and crying I can't figure out why. There's no real reason I just am. This eating this is also so frustrating. I've always pretty much been a binge eater. Starting from when I was just a very young child about 3 or 4 because i was a little chubby they started restricting everything from me. I just learned to binge from there. As I got older my brothers could eat anything they'd like but even though I couldn't be anymore athletic and was extremely overweight or obese everything was restricted for me. Whenever I was able to get to the food I just wanted whether or not it was good for me I was just take in as much as possible. I mean I would even sit down and eat a whole bag of carrots. I would also as a child in my EXTREMELY unstable house and such used food as a crutch. I really regret it now. In college I just started getting busy all day so I wouldn't eat and then I would eat dinner and binge at night. So eating consistent calories throughout the day is so difficult for me. I don't make the time to eat i guess its just not in the front of my mind. Its so frustrating.

On top of the eating issues the scale seems to have frozen. My body is obviously changing but the scale has frozen. Its just not budging. Its so frustrating. I got a measuring tape and measured a jillon parts of my body and I'm going to start using measurement as a sign of progress. I guess I'm just so FRUSTRATED. I'm also very scared of failure. I always have been. This is the first time I'm putting all the effort I can into something. I usually just put in the bare minimum so that if I fail I didn't waste all my effort. Even school I've been lucky enough that it just comes naturally so I just do really well. If I put effort over the bare minimum in I could probably have all A's but since I don't put the effort in having an A- average is acceptable to me. I guess my life has turned me into all or nothing and I really wish I could change it. It just really really seems like an impossible task.

Tonight I am frustrated and emotionally drained.

~Jenna
Click to expand...
Jenna... you need to eat more than a yogurt for breakfast and what not ...
three meals a day ..make time for it if you can ...
I binge eat at night sometimes as well ..because I won't eat enough during the day ..or I have sugar cravings ..
your sugar is getting too low ... thats why the crying ...
you need to try and eat during the day ..maybe add fruits ..fruit is good for you ..especially if you get low blood sugar ... and you are probably getting low blood sugar ...

so eat fruit ... good stuff ..
don't drink juice really ...that is worse than fruit ...but fruit can be very refreshing and a good end to a meal ..

best wishes hun
don't let the scale not budging sway you away from what you are doing ...

keep it up hun!
It will break eventually and the pounds will slowly go down ...

always
natalie jo
 
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