Cate's Diary

We should have taken our little dog in yesterday as last night she was constipated & was crying. I helped her out & then bathed her & we put her to bed in the laundry. She slept through & has eaten this morning & is not crying or in obvious pain, but it is time. I do not want her suffering. I just rang the Vet & we have an appointment for her at 4 pm today. G & I will stay with her & bring her home & bury her over in our little pet cemetery in the bush & place a large rock on top. I will plant some bulbs around her grave sometime soon.
We have a lot on today & will come home about 3'ish & then take her in. We have to take 2 cars as one is being serviced, Vets golf etc. I have an appointment to see my GP at 9.15 this morning & I will still ask for a referral to see a counsellor as I know it would help me long-term. I just hope I don't bawl at the GP's as I have a lot to get through today.
I'll pop back tonight & read everyone's diaries xoxo
 
Let yourself cry Cate, I think it will do you good.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling a bit, but keep talking here and getting the emotions out! Sending you good vibes.
 
Thanks, Marsia & LaMa. I'll write about yesterday after golf tonight. I feel relief this morning, rather than sadness. I think seeing our little old dog deteriorating has been a big contributor to my stress. It was the right thing to do.

Notes for self-
The kindness of vet & staff & our family ritual re pets. Tears went with her :beating:
Will "sack" my GP & see another in the same practice next time.
Have a referral to a gastroenterologist & a counsellor (can have 10 sessions a year)
All my bloods were good.
 
Sorry Cate about your pet . It's a sad day but glad you made the right decision . Hugs to you :grouphug:

Good luck with new GP . And great you got referrals .
 
I had a lovely day at golf today. I played with one of my favourites& the woman who got me playing in the first place. Stood up for myself again.

Yesterday G & I were waiting at the vet's with our little old dog & another couple with a large dog were chatting away to us. One of the women behind the counter came around & called us by name and invited us into a private room. She said she knew that S gets anxious & thought we might like to wait with her in there. They were so kind & so gentle. The young vet was lovely & I held S. She made a little whimper as the needle went in, but I soothed her & she nestled her head into my chest as she always has. It was over in 10 seconds. It was the kindest thing to do. The vet confirmed that her symptoms of the last few months were doggy dementia. We brought her home in a bag that had belonged to my late sister, who was such a dog lover. Before we buried her I put the tissues that I wiped my tears away within the bag. It felt right.
We came home & buried her over in the bush alongside our other 2 dogs. We followed our ritual of placing rocks all around & a great big rock on top. We had to go slow & put it down plenty of times, but it is our ritual & it helps us cope with it. We then came back inside & had some champagne & toasted our loyal old dog & agreed that it was the right thing to do.

I had no idea if I would be up to golf today, but I felt much less stressed & was not teary. Our house feels very different & G said he kept looking out for her today. We have lived in this house for 15 years & we had S for 17. It will take some time to get used to it. I have been madly washing all her stuff & moving things out of sight.

Re: my GP- I am tired of repeating the same stuff over & over, tired of her trying to write me out scripts for things I cannot take & have decided to start again. She doesn't "get me" at all.
G is out playing pool & I have been madly cleaning since he left- mopping, doing the washing, making beds up etc. I should sleep well tonight, after 18,875 steps today at golf.
Maybe life will settle down for a while.
Maybe I'm learning to stress less.
I'm feeling good tonight. 'night xoxo
 
That's almost like a cist burial, how beautiful. People do need rituals. And support from folks who get them. I hope your new GP does!
 
Hi Cate! You description of the burial made me cry, but in a good way. It sounds beautiful and very right. We did a ritual when we buried the sister of my white cat, one of the most loving, funny, wise cats I have ever known. We picked flowers and did a service and rang a bell for her every night like the Japanese do when a relative dies. It's been two years since she died, and I still miss her terribly. But the ritual sending her off really helped.

I'm glad you are switching GPs and hope the new one listens. That's so frustrating having a health care provider who doesn't hear you!

Glad you are feeling better, and I hope you remember to take it easy some, too!
 
Thanks for sharing your story Cate . Being dog lovers and going through it myself I felt every minute of it . Our old boy is buried under the apple tree but we had him cremated . The process is very quick isn't it . I was devastated and couldn't stop crying . Big hugs to you and kudos for getting out to golf
 
LaMa- S's burial was lovely. It helps G & I to grieve privately & we talked about what a good, sweet-natured little dog she was & how big a part of our lives she has been & the burial ritual helps us to process that grief by physically collecting those rocks & arranging them.
I should have found a new doctor well before this, but I thought it was worth sticking with her as she saw my extreme allergic reaction back in March. She is obviously prepared to pretend it never happened after the medical staff meeting, where she must have been told to play it down. She does not mention on the referrals that I have MCS, even though she said at my last visit that she had changed my notes & would in future.

Marsia- One of the things I love about this forum, is finding like-minded & supportive people, who understand me. I didn't want to tell anyone about S's burial before I went to golf as I thought it would be my undoing, but I liked telling you all about it last night & I didn't cry then. The service for your cat sounds beautiful. I really do think that the rituals help us with grieving & my burying her with some of my tears was a last minute instinctive impulse that really felt right.

Petal- I know that I love sharing your stories & it is my nature to share mine. I love that I get so much support & love in this forum. We all have a shared compassion & that is a very valuable thing.

I do feel much more relaxed & positive this morning still. From now on I am going to learn how to cope better with the obstacles that get thrown my way. I am an emotional sponge & I need to find ways to deflect other people's problems, even both our son's problems & not take everything on board to the point that I get so stressed that I am at risk of a heart attack. The last 2 weeks had me feeling that way & I must not let that happen again. I need to say no more often to the things that cause me stress so that I can say yes to the things that I enjoy.
 
cate said:
I need to say no more often to the things that cause me stress so that I can say yes to the things that I enjoy.
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Hallelujah (clouds part and sunshine beams down)!!!!

Yeah, you have had such an intense last few weeks. It also seems like a coping strategy to stay busy, but that seems like it has its own set of stressors. I really, really hope you get a lot of down time now!

Glad you are leaving your doctor. I had mono and bronchitis as a kid (and something that turned some hair on my arm white) and went to the emergency room where an intern told me I was faking being ill and told me to go home. My pediatrician later diagnosed me correctly, but I really do not like going to doctors and only go if I have to because I so hated being shamed because that intern didn't find anything wrong with me and was so nasty about it. I can usually cure myself much quicker and without the strong drugs doctors use anyway. So I really understand feeling like doctors are going to think I am making things up and feeling not listened to!
 
Marsia said:
Hallelujah (clouds part and sunshine beams down)!!!!
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I know! :blush5:
I got a call from the counsellor tonight & she asked if I wanted an appointment before Christmas. I was quite surprised to hear so soon & had a chat to her & said January would be fine. She sounded nice on the phone.
We have the GK's for the night to give D & his GF the night off kids. They have had a lot of stress with one of her daughters. We have had a lovely evening with them. Told them about S & showed them her "grave." It went well.
We have to get them on the bus early in the morning. I'm going to say yes only went it suits me & not feel guilty when I say no. I could get used to this!
 
You can be retired from the things other people want you to do!! That's wonderful!!!

Glad you had a nice night with the grand kids. I had the nicest experience waiting for my kid to get done with the singing part of play tryouts. I sat with the kids and they all cheered each person as they finished their audition, and they were so polite and supportive and happy and waved to me though I don't know them. It's wonderful to hang out with happy children!!!
 
Thanks, LaMa xo
Thanks, Marsia. Your evening sounds lovely xo
I really enjoy spending time with the grandkids when you can engage with them, & last night & this morning we did. I asked C if he would like to come to stay with us on his own in the school holidays for a few days & he seemed keen, so will talk to D about that. We both feel he needs some more personal attention. We used to have his older brother stay one night each week & I used to take him to Taekwondo. It gave him a night where he felt spoiled & got lots of attention, & was especially important when his little sister was born. They have to share their Dad with his GF & her younger daughter as D now stays with her when he has his kids, rather than in his house so more adjustments needed for everyone. It made sense when her 2 older daughters moved out. The littlies will get used to it, but it will take more time for the youngest one.
We don't have to drive our OGS to work tonight as he has his other work's C'mas party. Yay :)
 
Hi Cate, that's wonderful you get your grandson to yourself soon! I loved the time I spent with my grandparents at Christmastime. My grandmother taught me to bake and she played piano and we sang songs and danced together. Sometimes my grandfather would get out the harmonica, and he told happy jokes and wonderful stories. Nice to have relaxing time together!
 
Hi Cate sounds like your rollercoaster has stabilised a bit . Yes I agree with the only say yes when you want too . I have practiced that a lot in the last few years it does work.
You sound like the best grandmother ever . One of my grans was an old crotchety woman . My other one was sweet but was always old if you know what I mean . I only remember her sitting in her chair and helping to mind her but she was lovely .
My kids only have one grandmother left now and she never really did anything with them . My own mother bless her was great but she sadly died young . My son was close with her and I'm sure still misses her .
 
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