Cate's Diary

I've been barely on here lately and just now read through this. I'm sorry about the news, Cate. Hopefully, it will turn out okay. It might be the scariest word in the English language. *hugs* sent your way.
 
Another one of those hugs arrived today LaMa xo
Thank you butterfly xo
Thanks, Vee. I didn't think you had read my news. That word is the worst I have ever heard now, that's for sure. 6 more days before we know the extent of it. I will never take anything for granted ever again. Thanks for the hugs xo
Thanks, Cowboy. It's nice having you back.
We have not shared the news with our friends yet & have only told our 2 sons, my sister & one of G's sisters. I needed to be able to express a little of how I am feeling to help get my head around it. Letting you all know has helped.
I spoke to R, our youngest son last night & must talk to him more often. I know how fragile he is & wanted to sound really upbeat for his sake. He wanted to take a few days off work as he can't concentrate but I told him again when G is having the scans(this Thursday) & that we won't know anything really until next Monday. I said next week would be better & he agreed. I do wish he lived closer. I think I'll talk to him most days until he gets here.
I'm fasting today as I have a busy day ahead of me with vet's golf. I am also going to a poetry reading at the library in the middle of the day.
G will be going to 8-ball tonight with D & I will stay home & read a book (&maybe come back in here.)
Lots of love to all xoxo Cate
 
I know I´m always happy when my parents take the time to call me; I´m sure it´ll be helpful for R as well. What kind of poetry is being read?
 
Hi LaMa. The poetry was a cross between Pam Ayres & Banjo Patterson. It was limerick like & was an attempt by an Englishwoman, with a very thick English accent, trying to sound very Australian(ocker). I think it was better suited to children, but it was pitched at adults. I didn't enjoy the experience much, I must admit. I wasn't in a particularly good space today. If I hadn't felt it would have been really rude & obvious to leave, I would have. I found it really jarring. Our library space is tiny & there were 19 of us, up close to her. It probably says more about my headspace today, than anything as everyone else seemed to enjoy it. I wanted to run out the door. I feel mean now. It just wasn't for me.

I have really struggled today. I ache from head to toe & have felt utterly exhausted. I felt so much better the minute we returned home though. It is so much effort putting on a brave front. No-one knows & I feel like screaming out sometimes. In my head, I'm mentally telling people, but then I know that telling them would only make it harder to cope with. D came up for dinner tonight & we spoke about it a little. He says he starts worrying about G & then makes himself stop. I can do that during the day, but at night, my brain goes haywire. I'm not crying, but I am imagining how I will cope on my own. I go to bed really tired & then I lie there listening to G breathe for hours & hours. I do feel like everything is magnified. My whole world has been turned upside down, shaken about & then been put back down slightly askew. Just like that how I see the world has been altered.

I don't want anyone feeling sad for me, but I won't delete that last paragraph either. It feels important to me to express how I am feeling honestly. It is really hard not talking about it all. In one way I wish it was next Monday night, so we could know what G is facing. On the other hand, I am bloody petrified of knowing. G has always kept his fears very quiet & he won't admit to any now. We have always made our decisions jointly & I hope that, no matter what the doctor tells us next Monday, he & I both will be able to make realistic decisions into whatever future remains for either or both of us. I'll call a halt to this paragraph right now. I just deleted heaps. Enough for today. I need to tune out for a while.

I'm glad I did a FD today or I think there might be some face stuffing happening right now. I'm glad sometimes that I am so stubborn & determined. I know that stuffing my face or drinking strong alcohol wouldn't change the circumstances & would only succeed in making me feel much worse.
Tomorrow is another day & one good night's sleep would make a lot of difference. Depending on the weather I'm going to attempt to go to golf.
 
If ever you've typed something that speaks to me, it's the wanting to scream out exactly how you feel and instead staying silent and putting on a face.

Your situation is like being called into the principal's office in school. You want it over with, but at the same time, it's the last thing you want to actually go through.

I hope you will find peace at night and not focus too much on the worries ahead.
 
Thanks, LaMa. I had a really good night's sleep & woke feeling much better. It also helps that the scans are now only tomorrow. Also, I think the night before I was so worried about how R was taking it. He worked until late last night & I didn't get to talk to him. I waited until G got home last night & I was so tired that I crashed & slept like a log.

Thanks, Mowens. I do feel much better. It is much harder to find the right words when someone is facing problems. You usually have to be coming from a really strong position yourself. Sometimes I just don't feel up to it & I go away & come back later when I feel stronger. It's much easier to steer clear when someone has worries. You don't always feel a connection with everyone. I really appreciate your support. You are obviously a kind & caring man.

Weight today- X + 6.5kg. Yes! Down half a kilo. I am going to really try to focus on clawing my way back below the elusive X+5, but without going crazy. I have hardly exercised, but have really been careful with what I am eating. Last night's dinner was absolutely scrumptious-
Grilled Atlantic Salmon with wilted spinach, snow peas, steamed broccoli & baked veg, (baked on a tray with baking paper- a little of each of sweet potato, white potato, carrot, zucchini, mushroom, tomato + swede) I only ate a cucumber all day so that I was able to have that meal. I kept close to 500 cals for the day I reckon, without being precise. I also ate an apple after dinner.

It's a sunny day, but it rained overnight & I decided not to go to golf. I just rang someone & she thought they wouldn't play. G & I will go for a walk later. He must be tired as he played golf yesterday & it was hard slog & then 8-ball last night.

 
Thanks LaMa, Jen & Vee :grouphug: It's nice to have people caring. Because we have only told our sons we are not able to share our fears as we probably should. Hopefully next week we won't have to worry.
We are about to head to Launc. G has a CT scan at 9.45 & then Nuclear medicine scan at 11am. I think he has to then go back again about 4 hours later. He has to fast this morning, so I am too. We'll have lunch somewhere nice. Dinner is ready when we get home - a frittata, with all of the baked veg left over from the other night. We won't get any results until Monday the 22nd. Now that we're over the initial shock we are getting through our days much better. I slept well again last night. G is sighing a lot I have noticed, but keeps saying "We'll be right." It is so typical of him that he would saying we, rather than I.
Better go. Much love xoxoC
 
He obviously knows you well. Plus: you might be sighing more than normal, too... By now you´re probably having that nice lunch but I´ll be thinking of the two of you today anyway.
 
& you are starting to know me very well too. I know I am sighing a lot more. We are so not saying how we feel out loud at the moment. Next week will be another matter altogether, regardless of the news. Thanks for thinking of us LaMa :beating:
 
I smiled at a woman in the waiting room yesterday & we got talking. She is maybe in her 60's. We connected I think & she told me that there is nothing they can do for her. She has incurable lung cancer. She lives on her own as her husband has died. She has 2 children who live not far away & 6 grand-children. I would have liked to have talked to her for longer. She seemed lovely. She had looked totally miserable when I first saw her. She said she tries to stay positive, even though they have told her that it's terminal. I told her we did not know yet, but that we will try too. I took a lot from her. Given the chance, I feel we could have easily been good friends. For that moment we were.
 
Ok, so truth be told - I've been avoiding posting in your journal for a while because I didn't know what to say. I'm one of those people who can almost always find something to say in a difficult moment but, for some reason, I struggled with this one. I'm not sure, but I guess it's because over time I've formed this impression of you in my mind that always makes me think of you as this super nice, extremely caring, outgoing, spunky, thoughtful, wise and awesome lady. And, when you mention that things aren't going well for you (or for members of your family) I, along with Jen, often sit here like "AWW, poor Cate!!!" I don't know, I guess you've been such a big part of all our lives here on WLF that it makes me want to find the perfect thing to say about your situation before I speak up. You deserve at least that much.

Anyway, I've been silent. Until now.

I won't waste your time by saying "I'm sorry" or "Keep your chin up" or any other of the million cliche comments that one could make during a situation like this. Instead, I'll just say this...

Enjoy what you have. Even if it makes you angry at outside circumstances, enjoy what you have. Jen had a pulmonary embolism a few years ago and since her's was previously undiagnosed, she had a 1-in-3 chance of dying. But, she didn't. She lived. She beat the odds. And, looking back on it, there was nothing I could've done to change what happened to her. That job was left to the doctors and team of medical professionals that ultimately saved her life and gave her back to me. The only thing I could do is be there. For her. So, that's what I did. I was there. I was with her. I stayed by her side, physically and emotionally. I was the rock on which she needed to lean during her times of struggle. And, that was all I could do.

Be G's rock. And, be the best damn rock you can possibly be. That's all you can do. So, do it as well as you can. Trust in the doctors and team of medical professionals assigned to help him. You are going to worry, you are going to cry, you are going to lose sleep, you are going to go crazy at times. But, compared to what G is going through, you have it easy. So, take that anger, that fear, that ever-so-scary feeling of not having control over the situation and stuff it down inside, ball it up and use it to make yourself a rock - HIS rock.

As for you? If needed, we can be your rock.

And, if that's not good enough, here's a cat in a hat...

Cat-in-a-Hat.jpg
 
Thank you chef. I have been wishing I hadn't shared it, but it's too late now. I am not angry with the world & I am still just the same person I was 2 weeks ago. I know I am G's rock, as he is mine. I shared in here as this is where I say the things I think at the time that I think them. I have had the experience before of sharing my doubts & feelings & having most people steer well clear of my diary. I sort of know what people expect from me & mostly I hope I am that person. I am not by nature selfish or self-centred & I don't suffer from self-pity. If I had a choice it would be me with cancer, rather than G. Not many people know what to say & not everyone can handle bad news. I am a strong person & I will deal with whatever comes our way & I am being especially strong for G. I can make him laugh at the most uncomfortable & unpleasant things. You just wouldn't want to know :blush5: Well, actually you, in particular, maybe would! :D

I'm glad you came into my diary. I did need to share my worries. I don't expect anyone to have the "right" answers. I have a strong feeling about who I am. Thank you for telling me how you see me. I hope I still am that person in your eyes. I don't think I have changed at all. Once the initial shock was over we both have made major mental adjustments & life feels fairly normal again. Sure, our world got picked up, shaken about & we were dropped on our heads, but we are back on our feet again. I will be G's rock, just as you are Jen's.
PS I'm allergic to cats :D I am SOOO not a cat person, but that is a funny photo!
 
I love Chef´s post - even though I´m badly allergic to cats as well :p and I love yours too, Cate. I for one am glad you told us for the very selfish reason that I would have felt tremendously guilty afterward about further stealing your time and emotional energy while you needed them for yourself and G. I still will, of course, but at least I´ll know ;)
 
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