Cate's Diary

Do you know what causes the anxiety? Bad dreams or something like that? I´m rarely anxious in the morning, but somewhat often at night - usually after spending too much time with my face inside a computer screen and/or after eating crappy food.
 
I'm not sure LaMa, but it really is horrible. I think it must be bad dreams.
I played golf but felt out of sorts all day.
Today is the anniversary of my older sister's death.
I'm missing Mum.
I think it's a combination of lots of things. Sometimes they just pile up on top of one another.
Tomorrow is another day & I don't have to go anywhere. I'll make sure I look after myself.
This just happens to me every now & then & I know it will pass.
 
That's the great thing about no longer being 16: stuff still sucks majorly sometimes but you recognize the feelings and know they will not actually devour you and be there forever.
 
cate said:
I'm not sure LaMa, but it really is horrible. I think it must be bad dreams.
I played golf but felt out of sorts all day.
Today is the anniversary of my older sister's death.
I'm missing Mum.
I think it's a combination of lots of things. Sometimes they just pile up on top of one another.
Tomorrow is another day & I don't have to go anywhere. I'll make sure I look after myself.
This just happens to me every now & then & I know it will pass.
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Oh Cate.Those days when we have a black dog on our shoulders are rotten days aren't they? There's not much we can do except grit our teeth and get through it as best we can. Sending you positive vibes from up here in the northern hemisphere
 
Anxiety stinks. I'm almost always anxious but it's always worse in the morning for me too, which is interesting. I hope you find some way to cope with your anxiety.
 
Polly said:
Oh Cate.Those days when we have a black dog on our shoulders are rotten days, aren't they? There's not much we can do except grit our teeth and get through it as best we can. Sending you positive vibes from up here in the northern hemisphere
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Thank you very much Polly. I read this last night & I was teary as a reaction to your kindness. I re-read it just then & I felt really good. I really appreciate love & kindness. Last night I was very emotional. This morning I woke, not feeling at all anxious & actually singing a song. I think it's because I got out there & played golf. I didn't eat too much, or drink too much wine & I slept like a log. I don't think I had any dreams- good or bad. I know that I need to switch my focus away from death & missing people I loved who have died & concentrate on life & the people I love & get out there a bit more & enjoy my life. I hate wallowing in self-pity.

Butterfly88 said:
Anxiety stinks. I'm almost always anxious but it's always worse in the morning for me too, which is interesting. I hope you find some way to cope with your anxiety.
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It does butterfly. It sneaks up on me sometimes. I know I don't feel it this morning & am very grateful for that. I will make sure I have another active day in the fresh air. I am also going to get a few things done that need doing so that they are not in the back of my mind constantly. My brain needs de-cluttering this time.

I have decided to do a 500 cal "fast" today. I will do 20 squats when I finish here so that I whatever I do after that is a bonus.

 
Yay for walks and lighter days! My brain needs decluttering as well, ought to make a to-do-list but I'm putting off even that.
 
Yep we used to walk a great deal too. Our oldest had autism and epilepsy and we found walking was something the family could do, as a family activity and it soothed her
 
(X+7.5kg, 20 squats done before my shower).

Hi, LaMa. I feel so much better with eating lighter & getting in a good walk 2 days in a row. I need to remember that. I still have to do a few things that have been in the back of my mind for a while, but I feel I'm in a better frame of mind to do them.
Hi, Polly. Walking is soothing. I don't really think about anything much when I'm walking through the bush. Yesterday I took a small handsaw & some clippers & cleared some branches back from the track. Today my back is screaming at me!

I feel like I'm back on track again after my FD. Down 1 kg & may do my second one tomorrow, depending on how I wake up. Sometimes I wake up ravenous. It's too hard to do a FD when you start off already ravenous!They are still not easy.

G & I are off to town today to see the urologist, who will have the results of his prostate biopsy. He has been on holidays so we can't read anything into the 2-week delay in getting an ap't. Fingers crossed (& toes).The ap't is at 2.30pm, but we'll go in this morning.

I'm going to get a haircut today -a razor cut. I love razor cuts. Even when I'm ready for another cut I still like the look of my hair. It's really wispy. I feel a million dollars after a haircut. We'll have a nice lunch somewhere & do a little shopping.
 
I used to hate going for a haircut, but since I´ve this mega-short faux-hawk kind of thing I´d happily go every other week because I love the feeling of having it freshly cut so much :D

Fingers and toes crossed for the urologist visit!
 
Hi Cate, I hope G's results are good! And yeah some days I wake up pretty hungry too it would be hard to fast. Do you eat larger dinners the night before in preparation? Yay for the haircut!
 
I'm planning on getting my hair cut sometime in the next week or two. It's one thing I put off forever. Right now it's down to my waist and I can't stand it. lol! I hope you're liking yours and feeling like a million bucks again! :)
 
Thanks LaMa, Julie & Jen. I have not been able to face telling you about it. Our world has been rocked to the core & I am trying REALLY hard to be positive.
The facts are that G has 2 tumours in his Prostate. One is 7 (mid-range) on the Gleason scale & 1 is 8(very aggressive). He is booked in for scans on the 18th to see if it has spread outside the Prostate. If not most probably he will have his Prostate removed.
We will face the alternatives if & when they arise. I may sound calm today. Trust me, I'm not. The Oncologist made me really angry by saying at the start "Well, after having the biopsy that I recommended back in December, year before last last, blah, blah, blah....." & then proceeded to give us the bad news. This was obviously a cover his arse comment & was a lie. If he had ever suggested that G needed a biopsy we would have agreed. We have been led by his advice all along. I am not blaming him at all. It just made a bad situation even worse. We are not the sort of people to apportion blame & it only succeeded in making us feel worse. It was unfair & unnecessary.
G is booked in for nuclear medicine & MRI scans on the 18th & back to the Urologist on the 22nd. We are not telling anyone at this stage, except family & that is just some family.
We were both in absolute shock. We just did not expect this at all. Really.
Friday night I imagined the worst & hardly slept. I mapped out the rest of my life without G. It was mind-boggling.
We have told both our sons, with the most positive slant we could muster. We told D in person Friday afternoon & I was fairly emotional. I could tell he was slightly annoyed with me & I got a mini lecture on being positive. I rang my sister yesterday & practised on her & then rang R & managed to sound upbeat.
I went to the market & got through the day well. I didn't engage in any lengthy conversations with anyone but managed to enjoy the day.
G & I took the GK's home to their mother today & had lunch at a lovely restaurant at a pier, had a lovely bottle of wine & have not been home long.
I thought I would quickly let you know what is going on. I don't think I can cope much with too much sympathy. Please excuse me if I don't reply straight away. I think denial is the best alternative for now. I have the most vivid imagination in the world (well, maybe not the world) & my brain takes me places I don't want to be.
I have done lots of homework on Prostate Cancer & outcomes & I will get more from the Cancer Council when G goes in for the scans. If it's localised & his Prostate comes out, I can cope with anything after that so long as I still have my husband. I'm getting teary typing this now, so I'm out of here fast.
Lots of love to everyone, xoxo Cate
 
Thank you, Julie & Butterfly. I was scared to read my diary & the hugs were just perfect!

We have not told anyone as we just don't want to talk about it. Whenever my brain goes off on the worst case scenario I am stopping myself & saying "It's localised. Prostate out. Cancer gone."
I got out of bed last night & did some Tai Chi & that helped me get to sleep eventually.
We can do this!
I have managed to get my exercise in each day. Not a lot, but still being done. Walk yesterday, walk the day before, maybe squats today. We're having a home day. We both drank too much yesterday & that was a mistake. Neither of us felt faintly tipsy even. We won't be doing that again.
Weight- X+7kg.Did 2 fasts last week.
 
Thanks sweets. Had a pretty good day again really, considering. Shed a few tears, but also had a couple of laughs.
Am having another FD as I don't much feel like eating atm. Will have a good meal tonight xo
 
We got through our day fairly well. G played golf & won the comp. He's out now playing in an 8-ball comp with D, our older son. He admitted he's scared too. I think we will all look at life differently from now on. Everything seems intensified. The world seems to have spun off it's axis. I know there are people all over the world experiencing what we are, but until it happens to you, you have no idea. I wish it was me that had Cancer & not G. I feel sure I would be able to cope better. But then, who knows?
I'm going to try very, very hard to maintain my positivity until I am told otherwise. It's a shame we have to wait until the 22nd. This is definitely the longest fortnight ever!
Did my FD, ate a healthy meal this evening- venison meatballs in an Italian tomato sauce with about 10 veg- sweet potato, carrot, parsnip, garlic, leek, mushroom, tomato, onion, kale, beetroot, zucchini....fresh herbs.. It was yummy!
I'm looking forward to breakfast though & hopefully a good weigh-in.
Have had a lovely, very moving online conversation with a musician we met in a record store in Melb last time we were there. I had sent her a pm on FB a couple of weeks ago saying how much G & I loved her music.
She had missed my msg & only replied to it last night. It was a coincidence that we were listening to it when I read her reply last night. I replied & told her about G. I said to her that the sax was getting me teary. She told me the saxophonist is her husband & that he is currently in hospital. She read my message to him. I read her message to G. Her husband also has cancer. A chance encounter with a stranger has provided me with much comfort. I feel we will keep in touch.
It's time I chilled out with some tv. Professor Brian Cox is on. I love his passion for science & the universe. He is also very cute.
Love to all xoxo
 
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