Cate's Diary

She can have some of mine too Q. My appetite is always big enough for a few people. I must spend lots of time with her now, when life settles down a bit:)eek:)
 
Big public Thanksgiving service today for my MIL. Will be very glad when today is over. I have to stop wishing my life away. I will be glad when I go back to really enjoying life again!
 
The thanksgiving service on Friday, was really good!

Yesterday was depressing! My Mum is just not eating. I took her for a walk in the wheelchair & tried to get her to eat some smoked salmon, which I bought her, but I think she has given up. I think life is just too much for her. I was not up to anything after I left her & came home. I shed many tears last night.

Late last night I got a call on my mobile from a number I didn't know. The woman asked for Geraldine & I told her she had a wrong number. She then asked me who I was & I said it didn't matter who I was, she had a wrong number. It was very weird. The person kept asking me who I was & kept ringing me back, asking where I was. When I said I was in Tassie, but still would not give my name she asked if I knew someone that she named & I said no & that she obviously has been given a wrong number. I eventually blocked the number but then got a call from another number, still asking who I was. I blocked that number & then got 2 calls from a private unlisted number which I didn't answer. I put my phone on silent when I went to bed. I don't want to change numbers as I have had the same one since I got my phone at least 15 years ago. I hope they stop. If I get another one I'll say my first name & how old I am & that I can't leave my phone on silent because my very elderly mother is in hospital etc & see if that works. I think this crazy woman may have been checking her bf's phone or something as I had an unanswered call from one of the numbers during my MIL's funeral. Hopefully the calls have stopped.

I am going to be very busy for the next couple of days with the annual Vet's golf tournament, held over Mon &Tues plus the last night of the annual corporate challenge, held in the evening. I'm doing the bar all day, both days. We have to go out there today & do some major stocking up. I'm not visiting my Mum today. I'll visit her tomorrow afternoon, in between the 2 golf events. I must get better organised as I don't think I am at all ready for her to die, in every way, but also including mentally.

It is time I knuckled down & lost a few kilos as I feel uncomfortable. I have not been eating enough fruit & veg, which is unlike me.

Love to all xo Cate
 
Yesterday was very tiring but good in that I was distracted. I did the bar from 8am until 9pm& we are going to be out there again at 8 this morning. It should be finished by about 3.30 though today. I slept like a log!
I have decided that 1st March I am going back on MFPal & am going to eat REALLY well & lose some weight. It matters not what I weigh right now as I'm doing it. I do need to know though.I have to get going now xo Cate
 
Thanks Q. I weighed myself this morning, for the first time in AGES & It was not good. :( 1st of March.....back on track!!

When I called in at the hospital yesterday they had "the big talk" re what path I want then to take with Mum as she is not eating & is barely drinking. I have to respect her wishes as I know she does not want her life prolonged & I am certain she has decided she has had enough. I got fairly drunk on red wine last night with my LH & older son & cried my eyes out on the phone to my sister. So far this year we have had to have our old dog put down, my MIL has died & now it looks like my Mum will not be around for much longer. 2014 sucks!

I played golf today & cried quite a few times, but persevered and finished the 18 holes. I was asked to play in the foursomes with the woman I played with on open day & that was very flattering. After we finished today I asked her again if she was sure she still wanted to play with me & she assured me she did. I am making some lovely friends through golf.

I have to ring my brother tonight & am not looking forward to that. I also have not told our younger son. I find it all too emotional on top of the death of my MIL.

I'll be ok I think. Once this is all over I will make a new life for myself & make the most of my life. I am an emotional person & we can't really change how we are.

Lots of love to all xoxo Cate
 
Cate there isn't much I can say, but I'm sorry for all of your loss and continued turmoil. I hope things go as well as they can with your Mum. You're in my thoughts.
 
Q, that's sweet of you. Thank you. I'm feeling much better today. Maybe shedding tears & sharing all of this with the forum & my golfing buddies has helped. I am starting to get mentally prepared I think. I'm off to hospital with my Mum today in an ambulance, just to keep her company while they x-ray her arm. It seems strange that they are doing this, but who am I to argue? Probably it will help the staff if they have something to pinpoint re her pain & why she is not eating. If it is not healing at all I could understand her having enough of it.

Today is cooler here. Autumn is almost upon us & the nights are starting to get cooler. Soon we will be lighting the occasional fire. It will be my turn to read about beautiful sunny Summer days, while we sit in front of the fire. I'm glad our Winters are not harsh though.

I had a very good eating day yesterday & will have no trouble getting back on track, now that I know the worst!
Time to make another pot of coffee.
Bye for now, xo Cate
 
Thank you Vee. That's very sweet of you! I am feeling much stronger today. Being back on track eating-wise would also be helping me feel better mentally. Mum seemed brighter yesterday & her arm is healing well. She is so skinny though! Whatever time she has left I would feel better if she a least ate a little bit.
When my Mum does die, I am going to have her cremated privately & then a few weeks (maybe) afterwards we are having a road trip up to where I came from to bury her ashes next to my Dad. Both of our sons are coming & I will talk to my nieces/nephews etc to see who can join us. I don't think I want to have anything here in Tassie except perhaps something with the grand-kids & nothing religious whatsover.
Anyhow, it's time to get moving.
Love to all xo Cate
 
Mum was not good yesterday, but has not yet been moved to palliative care. I have no idea how long this stage will last, but she has barely eaten for 3 weeks now & hardly drinks at all either. I rang my older brother this morning to let him know what's going on & he agrees with me that her life should not be prolonged against her wishes. She has always been very clear about that. I'm having a day at home today to re-charge my batteries. I'm back on track eating-wise & have lost 1kg in 2 days. I might hop on my bike now, for the 1st time in a LONG time! 2014 will get worse, before it gets better, but I must take some good from all of this. I won't have any regrets about moving my mother over to Tasmania & spending the time with her that I have & I also don't regret all of the time I spent with my MIL. I will be stronger for all this!
Love to all, xoxo Cate
 
Yesterday was a very mixed bag, as life is. As I was going into town, with my LH the hospital rang & wanted another "talk". The doctor had decided to put an IV in Mum. I called in on my way & said I didn't want them to put it in, but then rang back & said OK. I feel strong about this as I know my Mum's wishes, but then the pressure builds up & people make well-meaning but hurtful comments re "starving her to death" & then I feel guilty, even though I know this is what she has decided..... Anyhow, to cut a long story short, when I went back in the afternoon the drip was not in. Mum had quietly taken it out & laid it down next to her & pointed the nurse to it when she came back into the room. My Mum 1, doctor 0.
We had a group to serve at the golf club over lunch. We did a barbie & the bar & they were not a pleasant group. Instead of going home & then going back out again we(I) decided to stay & we played 9 holes of golf.
It was a very long & tiring day, but I slept well.
Bye for now, xo Cate
 
Oh Cate. I haven't been keeping with anyone's diaries for about a month and have quickly gone through. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your MIL, and about the downhill health of your mum as well. That cannot be an easy thing to deal with and something nobody wants to think about. I think you made a very tough but unselfish decision and I hope your mum does not suffer much longer.

I think crying and talking, while it doesn't will provide a solution, can make you feel better. It gets some of the emotions and stress build up out and it's a good thing. Cry all you need, write all you need on here, and keep sharing with anyone who will listen to keep yourself sane.

:grouphug:
 
Thanks Icy, typing how I feel in here & sharing it all really helps me! Something really weird happened today. I called in to see my Mum today after golf & she was sitting in her chair, watching tv & had eaten a few mouthfuls of yoghurt & was drinking tea & actually spoke a sentence, for the 1st time for ages & seemed brighter than she has for weeks. AMAZING! I have no idea what's going on, but at least I feel better tonight.
My golf is all over the show at the moment, but that is maybe to be expected, with what has been going on with my mother. My life feels very crazy at the moment!
 
My condolences about your MIL Cate.

I hope your mother's health improves. Sending good wishes to your family. I hope things get better for you.

:grouphug:
 
Hi Athala & thank you very much. It is lovely to hear from you again. Hope things are going well in your life too xo Cate
 
Played golf again yesterday & enjoyed the day, but not as much as usual. I was feeling stiff & uncomfortable all day & played accordingly. I did win a nearest the pin (ladies) for the first time though! I got it on my 1st nine & thought it would be beaten as there were many really good women golfers there, but no, I was the closest. We visited my mum on the way home & she was pretty good again. It is good to see her sitting in the chair, rather than in bed.
I am really aching today. Autumn is here now & the nights are starting to chill off. I can't take any anti-inflammatories :(
We hope to have a bit of a lazy day today. I must lose some weight as I felt a little self-conscious yesterday. Will weigh tomorrow.
Love to all xo Cate
 
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