Camy's diary

Thanx Nat, that was sweet! I have calmed down.
We had a lovely day, the man and me. We took "my" kids to the Canal (Olli is 4 and Ella is 6 months), and played little family. He pushed the stroller and held my hand and I was happy. We walked for about 2 hours, the last hour was quite strenous, because I carried Ella home, because she was bored in the stroller. I broke quite a sweat, in fact, so that was my exercise of the day.

I have problems with my body. Have had them for ages, but they have become a lot more accentuated in the past year. I always thought I would never find a man, but I did, and therefore I think I let myself go a bit. That led to more weight, which makes me now selfconscious even in front of him.
I am very outgoing, loud and funny, I am in no way introverted or anything. So the man was more than confused when I started to hide myself. I used to do naked dances etc... and now I do not feel comfortable having sex without a t shirt on.
I feel he is watching my fat. My tummy is quite big (even though it is better now, since I am not swollen anymore), my boobs are somewhat saggy (even though I am young), my legs are too fat.

I do feel very pressured at the moment, the man, friends, etc... everyone has been into this and everyone has a very strong opinion on everything. Like the popcron, dired fruit incident. One says no to one thing, one says no to another thing and I feel that I can't eat either. I do this for myself, because I do not want to feel this way, I do not want to be fat, I want to look hot and beautiful. For myself. But still everyone chimes in.
My "best" friend is also all about loseing weight, looking better and so on (she is probably the single most beautiful girl out there, skinny, hot, etc...). She has told me she wants to take me shopping and renew my wardrobe and "no more sneakers!". I like being in sneakers and I like my wardrobe (sure I have like 3 or 4 things I want to wear once I have lost this weight... but I will still be in "my" casual jeans style!). I hate that she wants to change me. A real friend would like me for who I am right? Not for who they would like me to be. My man says that since I am friends with her I have changed, I am sad and unhappy, and he may just be right... she is lovely, it isn't that, but I would really like that she would not want to change me all the time.
Ok enough rambling, i am going back to my man and friends, Camy
 
Camy,
How old are you? This could be why the change and following change to an extent. We change over different periods of life, but really big changes happen over our twenties ... I am thirty now..and three months Ago I too had your problems.

I felt so fat, and have for a long time. I wanted to wear shirts over myself when doing the naughty to be honest. I was very uncomfortable in my body.
I weigh 287.0 and plan to weigh 286.0 by this thursday .. I am working hard on it...

but anyway ... I understand the shirt thing...and the man noticing how I looked and the lack of attraction and what not. You haven't gotten that far, but you don't want to... you sound like you are doing good.

I wore sneakers all the time, even going out. And I started dressing down. Men like their women to dress up a little when they go out.
I am finally realizing how I let myself go so much, while in the relationship I was in. This relationship took a toll on me.
I ashamed of the way I looked, felt ugly and fat. Hopeless ...etc...and everybody said I needed to lose weight, they wanted say in everything I did and it drove me mad. Finally I told them to back off, that I will do it...

and they backed off after a while... I started thinking about why I wanted to lose weight, since breaking up with Alex three months ago I feel better about myself and feel like there is hope and I am headed in the right direction. I am not saying break up with your man, but just reassure him that you are losing the weight and there will be plateaus ... tell your friends you don't need their say in what you eat, that you will figure out how to eat ...and you are exersizing ...

its take time to lose weight...and I sometimes ..well used to get impatient ..but it will happen ...

sometimes I feel out of control, but not so much anymore...
I don't know if you have felt any of this, but ...do this for you and only you. I realize your man might be harping ..but it takes a while to figure out what to eat and what not to eat ..the diet .. what you take in is hard to figure out ... you might want to start a food journal ..two sides ..one side saying



planned Ate

you know and think before you eat..."Why am I eating? Do I need this? Am I hungry?

Please do eat, don't do what I did ..which is go under 1600 calories, because I wanted to lose weight fast .. I gained everything ..back ..plus double ..maybe even triple ..my obsession with food was incredible ..and sometimes I still slip ..
but you will find your way Camy ..don't beat yourself up and don't let anyone else do it either ..demand respect ..

you are making the motions to losing weight ...you are losing weight ..the first start is hard and the plateaus are hard, but you can do it .. I believe in you!

so take care. I will drop in again ..

ttylater hun
always
natalie jo **hugs**:seeya:
 
Ok, I feel proud:
it is almost the end of the month and I feel very proud of myself. I feel proud that I have been living for almost a month without gluten (I have cheated on the dairy thing and eaten some cheese, but I never cehated on the gluten), I am proud that I was strong even though temptation was always there.
I feel proud that I have made it to the gym, not just once or twice but more than once per week. I feel especially proud that, even though it is just wednesday I have already been twice this week and I will go again tomorrow and friday. I feel proud that I have managed up to 25 minutes on the elliptical although I could barely manage 5 the first time I went, and that I am (slowly) starting to even like it. Today I looked at my sweaty t shirt and felt grand!
I am proud that I have lost some weight, but much mroe that I have been thinking and making the correct choices. I am proud that I have never had to buy myself lunch at uni, I packed it every single time! I am proud that I have been able to substitute sweets with fruit and that I have been eating breakfast every day and had fruit as a major component of my breakfast.
I am proud that I do not have to undo the buttons on these jeans I am wearing right now anymore when I am sitting down and that I look overall better.

I am very proud of myself!
Camy
 
Ok after that post I will quickly try to remember what I ate the past 2 days.
So tuesday:
Breakfast: Ricecake sandwich (ricecake, ham, ricecake)
Lunch: mackarel, 1 tomato, some fruit I can't remember, 97 cal bears (they are a potato snack, sort of like chips)
Snack: sushi (and way too much Sushi unfortunately)
Dinner: 2 lamp chops (not very big ones, the man ate 4 and was still hungry), salad, grapes

Today (was a chaos esting day!)
Breakfast: melon
Lunch and various snacks all over the day: 2 slices of cheese, 2 slices of salami, half a carrot, 1/4 of a cucumber, a banana, bears (97 cals), half a slice of "sandwich" chicken breast, 2 tiny packs of sushi
Dinner: salad with tuna and an egg

I know today was a mess but after not managing to go to the gym yesterday (due to all around lazyness), I did go today, did 25+ minutes on the elliptical, plus 50 sit ups. My friend is on holiday, so I couldn't do any kick ups. I burned 205 calories on the elliptical and I wore my ankle weights (in fact I am still wearing them now).
Tomorrow will be more organised, I have made my packed lunch already (and to my delight I found some chicory in the supermarket! yum!), and I have more melon and grapes for breakfast. Dinner will be out (my friends and I are culturally engaged and will be seeing Madame Butterfly tomorrow, so before that we will go out but I do not know where yet).
Camy
P/s: nat: I am 23 years old... yeah it may be my age making me selfconscious!
 
I sort of weighed myself today (albeit dressed and all) and it doesn't seem like there will be a great change tomorrow... I think I have slacked a bit and eaten a bit disorganized and that is not doing me any favours but at least I have managed to do loads of exercise and that really makes me happy! At least I will be muscular!

So since I do not manage to come on here daily I try to remember what I ate on Thursday...
Breakfast: Melon and Grapes
Lunch: grilled chicken, tomatoes, fruit (probably a banana and a tangerine)
Snack: sushi and (embarrassed... some french fries with guacamole... and I am not even sure they were gluten free (french fries often have wehat in the bags, so they won't stick) or dairy free or anything)
Dinner: a smallish salad and an egg
Late night snack (this is due to the fact that I had dinner at half past 6, because I went to the opera): chicory with basamico vinegar

I didn't go to the gym, but whatever... I should have gone but didn't feel I could, because of time etc...

Friday:
Breakfast: pomegranate juice and a rice triangle
Lunch: fruit (apples and a tangerine I think) and another rice triangle
Dinner: salmon with rie, a rather small portion in a restaurant. It was nice and the salmon was a good size but there wasn't enough rice!
and then my big big sin of the week: fruit salad with 1 scoop of mango sorbet!!!! It was wrong but soooooo good!

However I did do sports on Friay, I did 25 plus minutes on the elliptical on level 5 (was hard! BUt manageable), 50 sit ups, and 5 units of stretches and then I swam 20 lanes.

My plan for February is:
- try to regulate the eating, plan ahead, do not let the hunger catch you in the supermarket!
- sushi only 2 times a week! Every day is too much sushi! It is processed in the end! Unless I make it myself... which would be quite an idea...
- Sport: 4-6 days per week elliptical and sit ups, 2-3 days per week swimming. Ideally it would obviously be 6 times a week elliptical and 3 times a week swimming, but I need to give myself a margin!

I feel good about my new plan and I feel quite motivated (even though nobody has been visiting my diary in a while... but that is actually ok, because I feel I can write very freely here!0.
Ok, I am off to the elliptical to get my 4rth time a week in! Yey, Camy
 
Yes!!!! 1 pound less!!!
I was not sure if I should expect this to happen, I was afraid it wouldn't, because I ate tons of crap yesterday (cheesesticks, teddybears, 1 little chocolate... etc...)
Well I am happy and this is hopefully going to kick my butt into gear when I do not want to gym... I will gym myself into the person I long to be!
Camy
 
I got quite sick from yesterday's food. I was too stpid to check if couscous is glutenfree and turns out it isn't, it is rammpacked fully loaded with gluten and my reaction was quite heavy. Forstly I felt strangely full, then I bloated and was nauseous while it was trying to make it through my stomach, then I had a 8 hour break or so (while still bloated like a pig), prbably while my body was preparing for the full autoimmune fireworks, and then I got incredibly sick (just feeling I didn't throw up), and gas gas gas!!
But I learned my lesson!

So Sunday's food:
Breakfast: fruit and 2 ricecake sandwiches (in the hope to make it further in the day without having to eat)
Lunch/late abundant snack: sushi... a ton of it as well!!
Cinema food: slightly salted popcorn (which I shared with my 2 friends to be fair but I ate the most)
Dinner: chicken-couscous-salad
Treat: 1 spoonful of nutella

Monday food:
Breakfast: 1 ricecake sandwich
Lunch: organic plate with beans, rice (icky one), potatoes and broccoli
Snack: sushi (I know I only have 1 more sushi to go for this week... ahhhh)
Dinner: 3 small cubes of chicken, 1 cup of rice, broccoli

Also these were the first 3 days I actually drank my 2+ liters of water. Quite amazing!

So my new minigoals are:
1. For February 15th (which is only less than 2 weeks away): 145 pounds (only 3 more t go, come on body we can do this)
Why?: minivacation in sicily with the man (3 days)

2. For March 8th: 135 pounds (13 pounds away) this would be ideally obviously!
Why?: snowboarding trip in northern italy with my in-laws (5 days) (who I want to impress... I have known them for 3 years, and I would really like them to see me at a good nice weight... they are all very skinny and quite weight obsessed!)

Good, I really need to get my little soon-to-be-bony arse in gear if I want to make my minigoals!!

Oh and finally a supermotivator: today 5 people told me I look so much more skinny and so much better! Yey!
Camy
 
i was sick as a dog last night. I felt icky al morning and started to feel a bit better at around noon, but now, because I couln't sleep because I felt yuck, I was sleep deprived as well...
I ate no breakfast, for lunch I had 2 pancakes (it is pancake day today and a lovely friend made me some pancakes without gluten and since she went through ll that hassle, I had to eat a couple of them), then a side salad (really small).
For dinner I had a pack of green asparagus, 2 whole artichokes (they were medium sized) and about 10 king prawns, just cooked ones, without dip or sauce or anything.
I think I ate about 500-700 cals today (bad!)... but I am happy I made it to that, I would usually eat nothing on my icky days.
I didn't work out (I would have fainted or something), but I went for an hour long walk with the pram, which was nice except it rained about 20 minutes.
I am having an early night and going to bed now, at 20 past 10, so I can wake up bright and early tomorrow to write that darn paper.
Camy
 
I am still not quite myself... I am going to take a pregnancy test tomorrow morning, maybe that is what is wrong. I feel so weak, as if I had severe anaemia, but I have been eating all the good and healthy food! My period is a few days late, but that never means anything I am the least effective menstruator out there...

I had a few ricecakes and a tea for breakfast, then a nice salad for lunch, but then at 4 ish I started to feel queasy and then suddenly after feeling like throwing up for an hour I got really hungry so I ate some cheese and some ham, and then I felt yuck again...

I have also peed like a camel today, only in the afternoon I went like 8 times, and I usually only go like 3 or 4 times in a whole day!
Oh darn... and even though I have been eating next to nothing I haven't lost a single gram, in fact I put on a pound.
I do not understand the world. Maybe it is my period coming, or maybe it is that I am pregnant (which would not just be bad for my weight loss... but also for my life right now... I am going to graduate in 8 months, I can't have a baby now, please!) whichever it is, I really want to feel better and have my energy back.
Obviously I did no sports today, I can barely walk without falling over... this first week of february is not going well!
Camy
 
Hi Camy

I am sorry that the first week of February is not going well for you.

I hope that the test result is what you are hoping for - but it is not the end of the world if it isnt. You are in a loving stable relationship and an intelligent young woman. At 23 you have reached a level of maturity when you can cope with the responsibility of a child - it is not like you are still 16.

I can understand how some things would need to be rearranged if you were to find that you were pregnant - but they would be comparitively minor in the bigger picture. I well remember having similar negative thoughts about children in my early twenties - only to discover that problems had developed when I did want children in my late twenties and was then quite envious of friends who had children at that earlier time.

As far as minor issues raised in your diary go. I eat tons of raisins and have lost quite a lot of weight while doing so. At least they are a healthy high calorie food - much better for you than many things of a similar calorie level. A couple of times you mention eating salty things. Sodium causes you to retain water and can bring about a weight gain on the scales for several days. I didnt notice - are you drinking enough water? I drink two litres per day. Drinking enough water actually means that your body holds on to less for future drought. It can help your weight loss.

Take care
Love
Margaret
 
Thank you Margaret,
that was great advice. I want to have a baby sooner rather than later, but we are both still studying and I work 25-30 hours on the side to survive, so I think until September the baby would not be as welcome as any time after that.
We were (in our heads) planning to start trying about 18 months from now. I really want children (if possible most of hem) before the time I am 30, so starting at 25 seems reasonable. I study in Ob/gyn and I know how important young maternal age is.

So this said, I tested negative! Which right now is good. I would really love to be "thin" before getting pregnant, 1. to show myself I can do it and not have excuses, and 2. because I want a cute pregnancy belly... which I know no one will ensure I will get, but if I am thin there is like more needed to be unpretty and preggo.

I have, yeyyeyyey lost another pound, my little turtle is moving slowly, so now I only have 2 more to go for my minigoal on friday.
I am going jogging this week, twice a day, because I am dogsitting, so it should be doable. I have done no exercise this week, because of illness and essay... that is really bad! But at least I have eaten correctly (when I have been eating...).

Yesterday I went to this huge supermarket and I bought a ton of tins. I love artichokes, but they take forever to make, so now I have like 4 tins of artis and of palm hearts (oh yum) and of asparagus! I eat them as a snack or as part of my salad, or as a sidedish.

This evening will be plentyful, because we are celebrating chinese new year at mine (it is the first time I host a chinese new year party, but we are entering MY year, the year of the rat, so I am very looking forward to this). The food will be heavy, but at least, because I am cooking it myself, I will know that no gluten is in it.
Camy
 
Hi Camy

Congratulations on the negative test result. I know that it was what you were hoping for.

Congratulations on losing a pound and on the exercise. You do say that you have eaten healthily when you have eaten. I know that you havent been well - but it is important to eat a sufficient amount. It may be worth taking a multivitamin - just to ensure that you are not missing out on any nutrients.

Enjoy your Chinese new year celebrations.

Take care
Love
Margaret
 
Thanks Margaret!
Yesterday I was never hungry for breakfast, so I never ate any (skinny bitch says you should wait to be hungry to eat... so I waited and waited and waited...).
For lunch I had a salad (just lettuces and tinned artichokes and tinned asparagus) and for dinner a HUGE chinese meal which was delicious!
I had bought a Peking duck and I made a big chinese soup (with cabbage, fish-balls, rice noodles... yum! although not the yummiest food of all I gotta say), and my friends made sweet sour pork, tofu in black bean sauce, singapore noodles (one with and one without gluten), dumplings and a very sweet dessert (I didn't have that though).
It was a wonderful night and I hadn't had so much fun in ages, we were 10 people in the end and we had a blast!
I am so happy we did it!
Also my pants are a bit lose! Yey for that! They are falling off my buttocks! I am very happy for that!
Camy
 
Camy said:
Also my pants are a bit lose! Yey for that! They are falling off my buttocks! I am very happy for that!
Camy
Click to expand...

yay!! for loose pants!! Isnt that a reward in itself! wooooohoooooooooo!!
:party:
 
I am pleased that you had a good night and it is great that your pants were loose. You are really seeing some positive effects for your hard work. :hurray:
 
Hey,
so today was ok... my problem is 5 o clock and my stupidity! I know I get hungry at 5 (well today it was at 6) and still instead of getting some fruit I end up eating anything I find.
Today that was 1 slice of salami, 1 cheese stick and 5 m&ms. Then I also ate 10 cherries (but that was the right thing to do). It is not that I want to deprive myself fully of that. I think 5 m&ms is ok, but not in that bulimic eat attack I get. I should really enjoy it!
Greakfast was melon and grapes, lunch a salad (a mix of some oven potatoes, green salad, tomatoes and cucumber and broccoli and 4 olives). Then I had a soy latte (not sugar free...) and then that mixed strange food I wrote above.
For dinner I am having Vegetable Curry and rice. Dreamy!

My problem with this weight loss is the slowly it goes. I understand that is the way to go, but it can still be frustrating. I wish I was already at my goal. I wish I would see more change! I am not going to starve myself for this, I want to do this the right way, but it is still really frustrating.
This is my list of the 10 reasons why I want to be thinner (according to the NWP it has to be positive reasons, none of those "i don't want" ones):
1. to feel better with myself
2. to look better
3. to feel healthier and lighter
4. to be able to wear my 2 dream outfits
5. to feel more confident and dance in the middle of the dance floor again
6. to wear my dancer sweater with pride (and have people believe me that I used to be a semi-professional contemporary dancer)
7. to look amazing in my wedding dress (which I haven't even chosen yet... which may be due to the fact that the man hasn't set a date other than "not in the very near future")
8. to be a better model for the man's pictures (which when he tries, are amazing!)
9. to make myself proud that I can do this (and make my family and man proud too, but most importantly myself!)
10. to wear a skimpy bikini!

Ok, now I remember why, I will call the man and tell him that our Valentine's plans are not going to work, because since he failed to book anything we won't be able to go and see a show... and I am not even sure we will be able to get a booking in a restaurant!
Camy
 
Hi Camy

I often get so that I want something to nibble - and my solution is that I always have a box of honey shreddies available. I put myself a handful out and I nibble them like you would a bag of crisps. There is no preparation and at least it is pretty healthy. It works for me and I dont always fancy fruit.

It may be worth you having some cereal that you have checked the nutrition for and feel is healthy enough too.

I am sure that it has often stopped me nibbling something that is a whole lot worse.

We would all love to be at goal. The thing is that it is the same for all of us. The weight loss only happens when it is ready to happen.

You have some great reasons for wanting to be at goal - and I am sure that we will all get there soon if we retain firm control of our food and do plenty of exercise.

The fact is that your man loves you the way that you are and I am sure that he will want to spend a lovely Valentines Day with you. Weight loss is important - but do not be tempted to put your life on hold waiting for the weight loss to happen first. Have a bit of pampering and get dolled up. With or without a booking you will be able to go out together and have a lovely romantic time. You certainly do not need a West End show to have a romantic evening with a man who loves you. Do not wait until you get to your goal weight to feel good about yourself.

Take care
Love
Margaret
 
I am so happy, I have reached my first Minigoal, which is 65 kg, or 143.3 pounds (apparently, but I will put 144 in my ticker, just in case).
I did honestly not think I would lose any weight, since I ate a lot of sweets in Sicily (but we did walk probably clse to 10 miles a day as well...), and I have completely negated all my good propositions for February. I haven't been to the gym even once since my membership expired on the 4th or 5th of feb., and I have been indulging more in foods, that in the beginning I was cutting out more. But I do want to go back to the gym, in fact next week, I will try to go 3 times, I feel less fit if I don't go and I am afraid of pain in the snowboarding week in march, so I need some weight training on my legs.

In any case I am very proud of myself, I have done it and I am 1/3 of the way there. I can really see the difference as well, my face is slimmer, my belly is slimmer and my bobbies are shrinking (which is fine, they were quite big to begin with).
And the best part of all is I have no problem with my new eating regime, I am finding the gluten free eating rather easy (due to the incredible changes in health I have seen), I do not crave pasta as badly as I thought, and I am loving fruit for breakfast. I never thought I would be able to stand a long period of time of just eating fruit for breakfast, but it makes me feel better.

I am still working on my water intake, some days are better than others, but I can really notice the headaches I get when I don't drink enough. So that helps me want to drink more. I always thought I drank enough easily, but I am sure I don't now!
And the exercise needs to be upped, deinitely, but the small changes hve changed a lot for me (like walking up the stairs instead of taking the lift, getting off the bus earlier and walk the last bit, go home by foot instead of taking the bus).

I do need to study a bit harder though, since I have been quite lenient with myself... so studies here I come, Camy
 
Feeling a bit sickish... oh well... gotta write this essay too, whic is killing me, I feel absolutely like nto doing it while knowing that I have to do it. It is due in tomorrow and I have barely written a table of contents. So 3000 words to go!

I just wanted to make public on here what a fabulous support group I have and thank them (even though they don't read on here, but I am thanking for myself).
First of all my wonderful man, who loves me no matter what but is really good at stopping me going downhill and at looking at me as if I was some kind of movie star. He also has changed what he eats for breakfast so I am nto faced with bagels in the early morning.
Second of all my wonderful friend Helen, who is my gym buddy and who eats little to no gluten in sympathy. She is the most wonderful support I could have ever asked for, she always tells me I look great and how much weight I have lost and how skinny I look.
Then there is my family, who aren't here and who won't see me until easter, but who I know would be very proud of me and who I want to surprise with the new me.
And my other friends, who encourage me to go on by either being so so good (gymming 3-6 times a week and eating naturals all the way), or by pushing me when I need it.

I honestly think all these people (plus the support I get online, especially from Omega) are making the total difference in this attempt to change my life around and last time I tried.
So now I will go and write this essay because otherwise... I will fail this course and that would truely suck!
Camy
 
Hi Camy

143.3 pounds

1/3 of the way there. :party: :party: :party:

Congratulations. You are doing so well and will soon be well on your way towards the next minigoal.

You are doing really well with your weight loss project - but you are right - you do have to spend time studying because you want both your weight loss and career dreams to come true. Like with the weight loss - it will all happen. It does however require focus, determination and hard work. I know that you can do it.

It is great that you have an excellent support network at home. Your boyfriend always sounds very supportive. And you have such good friends too.

I hope that you feel less sick and can concentrate on your paper. If you have 3000 words to do tonight - I hope that you have completed it before you read this.

Take care
Love
Margaret
 
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