Byebye Big Bum!

[Bedsy81]

Oh
Chin up buttercup.
Lord knows that you certainly could have done a lot worse than you did and when you're caught out between work and home and you're not prepared, I am sure most would do the same. So don't worry about it and focus on the positive and that is that really you didn't go over by THAT much. Also, you're flatter tummy is so encouraging and exciting! It's always nice to see the visual side of your weight loss as it goes along so well done
Keep it up you're doing just fine.

 

[jjjay]

Thanks Bedsy!! Really appreciate the cheerleading! Yep you are right...I console myself with the thought that roll back 6 montsh or a couple of years and a "bad day" would have been 1000s and 1000s of calories! So, compared to that, my little binge was pretty minor league

hmm, relatively pretty darn good day today!

Ok food:
Breakie - egg mayo brown bread sandwich (285 cals)
half a latte (70 cals)
chicken soup (330 cals)
hunk of break (250 cals?)
ham and salad brown bread sandwhich (290 cals)
4 cups of tea (40 cals)
Total - 1265

I finally could stand it no longer and emailed Mr X asking him call in the next few days.....hahahah...he called me 15 mins after I sent it. W00t!

Had a very nice chat to him - a friend at work who overheard my side of the conversation was beside herself with giggles - afterwards she said she was very impressed at how flirty I was being whilst still professional!! hehehe. Now I feel embarissed!!! I hope I wasn't too obvious or...that it wasn't unwanted! IN short, he said a definite yes, no hesitation to keeping in touch and having a coffee now and again when we were in the same city. If he felt awkward at all or didn't want to, he would have hesitated and I would have picked it up in his voice that he was trying to think of a nice way to say no or find an excuse.

Thinking about it though (and this is the point at which I can TELL that I'm starting to feel better about myself and more confident), he SHOULD be flattered that I'm flirting with him - a young attractive thing like me!! hehehehe.

But the best bit is...that I now have my little "motivation" point back - to lose weight for when I see him again at some stage in the future... however many months away..

 

[Xenon1]

Thinking about it though (and this is the point at which I can TELL that I'm starting to feel better about myself and more confident), he SHOULD be flattered that I'm flirting with him - a young attractive thing like me!! hehehehe.

That's what I think!

I am so happy to hear that things went so well and that you will have to arrange another meet up! I logged in yesterday and read it but had to run and am just getting the opportunity to reply. It's fun following you along jjjay! I will be in suspense again until the next meeting lolol.

 

[jjjay]

heh. To be honest, this has been a nice interlude to distract from just how horrendously busy I have been at work lately - working weekends, 15 hour days etc...so having a project end so well and such fun in my interactions is like a little spot of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day.

In the past, I would have gone "urgh.,..I'm here until 8 o/clock at least....CHOCOLATE will get me through!!!" and I'm really realieved that the sh!t has hit the fan in terms of pressure and I've not caved in and run off to comfort eat....

I think that a weight loss journey/diary should be all about the weight loss (LOL! Not focusing on a crush!) but the bigger theme is that I am an emotional eater and finding fun in other stuff like that diverts me away from looking to food. Its interesting - the last time I lost weight (in 2008 - 40lbs or so) I just deprived myself for months and did lots of sports so when I relaxed a bit, I put back on 18lbs. This time, I'm busier so less time for the sports bit and want it to be long term so am trying to work out and change my patterns and relationship with food. Its quite an interesting examination - thinking back to childhood etc...and my attitude to eating as a treat or crutch or in respones to boredom.

And re Mr X? Well I will go away and focus on losing the lbs - seeing as I was 18lbs lighter this time, got a challenge to set myself now...that would put me at 176lbs...W0W that would be great!!

How are the exams going Xenon? Well I hope?!?

 

[Xenon1]

176 Sounds sooo good! I'm excited for you and I am sure you can do it! I KNOW you will actually :-D

OMG when I read your stories about work I have flashbacks lolol I used to work 70+ hours a week and I ate anything I felt like eating! I never got to have fun and talk to people outside tho It was just me and loads of paper, and I only got one papercut before they laid me off...I should have taken it as a sign lololol

I wrote about the exams in my diary if you'd like to check it out

I think the way you are doing your diary is perfect! I was focusing on food in my diary at first and then it put me off track because I started thinking about food too much. You know what works for you and you are working it

 

[jjjay]

Yeah, patterns at work make a huge difference to how I eat. When I was studying for my exams, I was in a hotel and after financial college for the day, I'd have to do 3-4 hours of work in my hotel room and my compnay would pay for room service or a restaurant meal and I'd buy chocolate or other snacks just to "get me through the evening's work". At work, if busy it was so easy to buy a chococlate bar and packet of crisps from the vending machine rather than have a proper lunch, and I could also end up doign the same for dinner! It was a real mindset of "treats" for doing that bit of work or that revision..

Now however, its a salad from the sandwich bar round the corner and I always keepa couple of pouches of soup in my desk drawer to microwave for dinner if desperate. plus if I get in early, I have porridge in my drawer or get a brown bread cheese and tomato toastie from the sandwich bar - not the healthiest of breakfasts but actually also not too bad - 150 cals for the bread, tomatos are practically nothing so the only thing to think of is the cheese...and they don't put that much in!! maybe 200 cals or so. If we all go out to lunch, which is quite often, I just try and have the soup, salad or jacket potato - no pie and no chips!!!

I've also replaced a mid afternoon bar of chocolate with fruit or a couple of jacobs crackers - just somethign to stop the snack temptation!! Its all about being organised I reakon.

My biggest temptation is latte from starbucks actually - with the amount of work I do and the hours, and the regularity that people go there to get drinks, I could drink 3-4 a day if I wanted!! But I limit myself to one skinny latte (130 cals) maybe once every couple of days if that. sigh....hehehe

Food yesterday:
1 toasted cheese and tomato sandwhich for brekkie (400 cals)
1 skinny latte (135 cals)
1 mini muffin (113 cals)
1 salad (grilled chicken, no dressing, potato, mixed beans, lettice, carrot, cucumber) - (300-400 cals?!?!
1/2 pear (the rest was a bit mouldy )
I chicken kebab (GASP! eek! actually, 120 cals for pitta bread, loads of fresh tomato, 200g of grilled chicken with marinade - no sauce, nothing else, so only the chicken marinade that makes it "feel" naughty....websites seem to suggest 400 cals so I think 500 cals would be more than enough of an estimate?!?!?)
4 cups of tea (40).

So probably 1600 calories in total?

No exercise yesterday - my aim for the next week is to get back to GYM AS NORMAL!

 

[jjjay]

w00t
Great start to the day!
Food so far:
Brekkie - WW chicken lasange meal (320 cals...I know don't ask...I just really fancied it!)
3 cups of tea (30 cals)
1/2 cheese sandwich and a couple of parsnip crisps (160 + 200 / 2 = 180 and prob 50 cals for the crisps as it literally was 4 crisps).
1/2 chocolate brownie (200 cals)
Slim meal chicken chow mein (302 cals)
1 breadstick (20 cals)
1 potato snack (98 cals)

total so far - 1200 cals but I'm still kind of hungry...

Also, I went for a run aroudn the park outside my house - what a glorious day, sun really shining, some cool tunes on my iShuffle and I ran...for 28 MINS!!! w000h0000)!! It wasn't difficult, I didn't get a stitch, I didn't feel out of breathe, I didnt want to stop at any point or need a drink, I didn't feel on my last legs, I didn't think that I'd rather be in the gym and watching the tv, I didn't clock watch, I didn't get bored, I just ran and thought things to myself whilst I ran. It was GLORIOUS. Its 0.5 miles round the circuit, so I ran 2 miles or 3.2km.

I am now officially outdoor-runny!!

Very funnily...who should drive past, park up and walk into his house - cute-guy-from-down-the-road...but...it didn't bother me in the slightest (I did speed up slightly )

 

[Sunflower2]

WW meal for brekkie!? Love it!! And Mr X would be a fool not to like you! xxx

 

[heatherisadork]

That sounds like it was a great run! And I'm jealous of your ability to not look at the clock. I fixate on the clock which makes it seem so much longer to go. Are you working on the couch to 5k?

 

[jjjay]

WW meal for brekkie!? Love it!! And Mr X would be a fool not to like you! xxx

hehehe I just really fancied chicken lasagne!! for breakfast!! and at 320 cals, pretty much the same as a bowl of cereal and couple of slices of toast so why not!?! In fact, I think they are missing out on a niche market - they could have WW low-fat sausage egg and bacon? Scrambled eggs and smoked salmon? Cream cheese bagels?

Re Mr X, the more I think about it, the more I am getting to that conclusion ahhh...the wonders of a bit of confidence! I am like 15 years younger than him and although junior in comparison to my boss, at the best firm and certainly gave Mr X an intellectual run for his money - given that he's been doing his job for 20 years and I've only been doing mine for 5! Plus, I thought he'd be all "hmm, I'd like to keep in touch but given our respective positions professionally, I'm sorry it wouldn't be appropriate" etc... I even said that I'd thought we'd need to let the dust settle after the deal we'd just made but he wasn't bothered at all! hahhaha He also said yes straight away to speaking at a seminar that I said I was thinking of organising in the future - said he'd really like to. So I'm doubly covered for seeing him again at some stage (got to lose 18lbs first!!! That's my reward for doing that )

That sounds like it was a great run! And I'm jealous of your ability to not look at the clock. I fixate on the clock which makes it seem so much longer to go. Are you working on the couch to 5k?

It was a great run thanks!! In fact, and I thought I'd never say this, but preferable to running in the gym on a treadmill!! I can't believe that I was seriously considering buying a treadmill for home rather than running outside.

In terms of clock watching - I was TERRIBLE for doing this when first started but now I start my digital watch and I put on my running music and say to myself - when I get round to that part of the park OR when I get to the end of this music track I'll let myself check my watch. Today I got to 5.6mins before I looked at it and then the next time I did, it was 15 mins into it. Then 23 mins, then 28 when I stopped.

I did start doing couch to 5k a while ago but found I either wanted to run a load of days right next to each other or I was getting into the swing of a run and the program wanted me to stop and walk for 3 mins before running again!! It was however EXCELLENT for getting me started - probably up to the week/days where you are running 5 mins at a time. I came off it then and just tried to increase my running time each time by a minute - so hung on until 6 mins then walked to cool down and went on the cross trainer, next time hung on until 7 mins, next time 8 mins...all within the space of a couple of days. I worked up to 12 mins like this, then as soon as I was over the 10 mins HUMP, one day I just went hmmmm.,...I could keep going...I don't feel I HAVE to stop, in fact I'm not even that bothered about the thought of stopping or running more...I can't explain it, it was just like "oh, well it doesn't make any difference to me either way so I might as well carry on running". Next thing I knew I had run for like 20 mins.

For the next 4-5 times of running 20 mins, I found the first 10 mins REALLY really tough - stitches, out of breathe etc... and I was worried today becuase I haven't been on a run for a week because work has been so mad, but I had no problem doing it - just got into a rhythm and ran.

Music is THE most important thing. I listen to That's Not My Name by the Ting Tings, Ride on Time, Pump up the Jam etc... really helps me pound out the run.

 

[Sunflower2]

Eee, so excited for you!! You'll look even more wonderful next time you see him! And he sounds interested for sure

WW do sausages!! I can never find them but I see them in my WW magazines all the time! And Bagels (which are yum!)

 

[jjjay]

Thanks for the post Sunflower - I've never actually been to WW meetings or bought the magazine - just like the frozen meals in the supermarket so I'll take your word for it re the sausages. I buy the wholeseed new york bagels - they are around 250 cals from memory but really fill you up and you only need a little bit of low fat spread on them so a good start to the day.

Re Mr X?! Well, we'll see. I'm happy to sit back and leave it for a few months knowing I'll see him again. All the more motivation for getting mybutt in gear and loosing some more weight!

ok not such a good day today - mostly because despite it being a sunday, I had to go into work and work a whole day due to a big report that i have to have out by tomorrow morning. But I'm going to be honest and put it all down. Plus ToM is on its way so I'm in that "need to eat more no matter how much I eat" sort of mood and trying to resist it desperately

Brekkie - scrambled eggs and smoked salmon (2 x 100 cals, 117 cals = 317 cals)
strawberries - 60 cals
dried pineapple - 150 cals
7 cups of tea - 70 cals
2 chocolate bars (sigh) - 600 cals
1 light ham salad sandwich - 285 cals
1 low cal chicken sizzler meal from Asda - 290 cals
1 piece of brown pitta bread - 160 cals
100g of low fat cheese - 330 cals

total - 2232
Sigh. my first day over 2000 calories in a long time I think. never mind. tomorrow is a new day. More miffed that I took my gym stuff to the office and didn't get a chance to go for a run or to the gym = that would have stopped me eating so much if I'd managed to do that at lunch time.

Next week should be easier - after monday, I'm hoping work will have calmed down a bit and I can get back to running every day. Apart from friday which is a big night out with the girls - a fair bit of drinking and eating planned so damage limitation needed I think!!

 

[jjjay]

okey dokey! Today IS A NEW DAY!
And a much better one.

Food today:
brekkie - brown bread toasted cheese and tomato sandwich (400 cals)
1 skinny latte (135 cals)
1 EAT Chicken Pho soup (mmmmmm. 330 cals)
1 pear (40 cals)
3 jacobs crackers (105 cals)
1 WW chicken lasagne for dinner (320 cals)
30g of cheese (120 cals)
5 cups of tea (50 cals)

Total - 1500 cals

No gym or running still but went for a 20 min walk at lunchtime to EAT and back.

ToM is probably nearing as I feel puffy and like eating steamed chocolate pudding all day and night. However, I'm still hovering around the 194.2-194.8 mark so if I can keep it low, then I'll loose another couple of lbs after ToM. I'd really really like to end this month under 190 or as near to it as possible. That's a real milestone for me.

 

[jjjay]

Hmm. Bad days are becoming too regular for my liking - I think i am going to have to cold turkey on all the treat stuff again and just not even consider eating it. I will write it down here though for the sake of honesty and to make myself feel ashamed from now on!

Brekkie - small bacon roll (345 cals)
100g of dried pineapple (270 cals)
Plain salad, boiled egg, chicken pieces (328 cals)
1 skinny latte (135 cals)
1 american style cookie (275 cals)
4 cups of tea (40 cals)
1 small slice of cheese (50 cals)
1 6 oz steak (325 cals)
A few pub chips (250 cals)
2 onion rings (80 cals)

Total - 2100

OK> from now on. No chocolate again, no cookies, no chips and back to drinking water at work rather than tea. After ToM in the next couple of days, I should feel SO much better and positive about it all and have the will power to resist. Plus, I think I need to start listening to my subconsicous Paul McKenna cd again - that really helped with the temptation side of things - not sure why but it did. After today/ToM, I should be in a position to get back down the gym before work and running 3-4 times a week again.

Maybe its also a bit that my motivation has waned as I have nothign concrete to work towards now that my Mr X meeting has happened. Got to start focusing on my summer holidays I think and set some goals for that.

Now - 194lbs (or 195.6 as of this morning! But i know thats only a fluctuation)
End of May - 191lbs
End of June - 186lbs
End of July - 181lbs
August holiday - 180lbs?

That would be another stone in 3 months - easily doable and should put me in a UK 14-16 (just in time for the Next sale to stock up on new work clothes LOL). Fingers crossed I'll also hear in June whether I get promoted or not - so might have some more cash to buy a couple of really smart work suits - going to promise myself these when I hit size 14 as i think I'll be there for a while.

Plus, FOCUS ON TEH LONG TERM!! Should be able to do some rock climbing this summer if I continue loosing the weight - I was slightly lighter than this when climbing at uni so anything less is in the right range. And have already selected the kind of bike leathers, jacket and motorcycle I want to buy when I get down to a size 12!!! Its going to happen!!! IT IS!

Ok so now I feel more like going out for a run! and not eating any chocolate cookies!

30 mins later.....------>
ok! Now we're cooking with gas! Just run 2 miles in 28 mins, sprinted the last 1/4 of a mile as fast as I could and it nearly killed me!!! I feel so much better about myself though - that's whats been missing in the last week - the exercise and it has a double effect 1) burns calories but also 2) makes me feel really good about myself and so much less likely to eat junk - why would I eat a cookie when I put so much effort into running that morning?!?

Got to add an extra circuit of the park next time (0.5 miles) in order to get to 4km.

 

[jjjay]

So end of the day now (my posts seem to straddle two days due to the funny timing of this site!!)...

Food:
brekkie - one toasted brown roll with melted cheese (130 plus 200 = 330 cals)
3 cups of tea (30 cals)
1 skinny latter (135 cals)
work meeting buffet:
2x1/4 brown bread beef sandwich (200 cals)
1 mini chicken salad roll (150 cals?)
4 crisps (about 1/4 of a bag so 1/4 x 200 = 50 cals)
1 low fat chicken sizzler meal (238 cals)
100g of steamed asparagus (29 cals)
1 small serving of icecream (100 cals)

Total = 1412 cals

That, plus the 2 mile run this morning and a 20 mins walk at lunch = a good day I think!!

I SO nearly stopped off at McDonalds on my way home when I'd gone to pick my dry cleaning up. I was even trying to justify to myself what I could order that was under 500 cals (of empty calories pretty much!!) and then skip dinner... I'm actually really proud of myself that I drove on by. I had a real "what do I ACTUALLY want more" moment and made the right choice.

 

[Sunflower2]

You've hit the nail on the head there, jjjay. What do you want more?! We want to be HEALTHY AND HAPPY! And McDonalds is evillllll! You're right--Just empty calories and home-cooked food is filling and yummy and we know exactly what we are putting into our bodies! Think of the Summer! Keep strong xxx

 

[jjjay]

heh. thanks Sunflower!

You know what I also figured out today - I am missing out!! There are SO many nice clothes out there that are dangling...just out of reach...a couple of sizes below me....and I scrabble around worried about how I look in a work suit or a particular shirt.. Jeez Jay. Just lose the weight and enjoy looking good. hehe. If I don't get to do that now...when will I do it?!? In my 40s>? 50s? As if its going to get any easier from now going forward?!

I so wish I'd given myself a kick up the butt before I turned 30.

 

[Xenon1]

Plus, FOCUS ON TEH LONG TERM!! Should be able to do some rock climbing this summer if I continue loosing the weight - I was slightly lighter than this when climbing at uni so anything less is in the right range. And have already selected the kind of bike leathers, jacket and motorcycle I want to buy when I get down to a size 12!!! Its going to happen!!! IT IS!

Gaaaaad jjjay....sometimes when I read your diary it is like reading what I am thinking lolol I was just thinking yesterday I need to focus on my long term goal...well my goal for October lol.

Glad to see that you are still on track and that you were unable to resist mcdonalds. I'm at 650 cals so far and I want something evil...I am so stressed!! Maybe I will just take a shower instead lolol

 

[G17]

Hey jjjay,

I read through your journal. You have a very entertaining writing style.

Congrats on all of your success, you're definitely an inspiration. I have no doubt with your level of dedication that you'll reach your final goal!

Oh, and good luck with Mr. X

 

[jjjay]

Hey jjjay,

I read through your journal. You have a very entertaining writing style.

Congrats on all of your success, you're definitely an inspiration. I have no doubt with your level of dedication that you'll reach your final goal!

Oh, and good luck with Mr. X

Hey G17, thanks for the post and the congrats - nice to see you around!! Hehe Mr X is temporarily shelved for a few weeks - treat em mean keep em keen?!?! Nah...just havent' got a reason to call him...

I'm feeling groggy and lumpy today...I got up at 5am intending to drive into work early and go to the gym but to be honest, I know ToM is coming any time now and I feel crampy and lethargic - this will pass in a couple of days and I'll be hit with a wave of new energy! However, the good news is that I weighed myself this morning, ready to reel with shock and horror at the usual mid-month gain, to find that I was 195.4, so only 1lb of water retention etc.. so far...I can go with that!

Xenon - its all got to be about the long term!! I mean all fun and games finding motivation in meetings with men and holidays, but they will come and go and in 12 months, or 3 years time, the important thing is going to be being slim and healthy for the future (or slimmer and healthier!). I hear about my promotion at work in the next month (and that's been a long stressful haul even though I've risen fairly quickly in comparison to others at my grade), so that's another piece of the long term plan that will hopefully slip into place. It all feels like I am slowly getting one step...and another step...closer to the person I want to be rather than the person I was - does that make sense>?

I want to be this lithe toned woman who looks sharp in a well cut, well fitted suit with a nice petite fitted shirt underneath (you know, good heavy cloth, double cuffs and women's cuff links!!), pair of killer heels that don't hurt me to walk around in all day!! Who is kind of quirky and fun because somedays she comes in on her retro-styled big old motorbike wearing leathers and rock climbs at the weekend...or goes off canoeing. Who ends up batting men away when she goes out for drinks after work (in the nicest possible way, without upsetting their feelings unless they are slimey!) and has an infectious laugh and bubbly personality - I want to feel so good about myself that that twinkle in my eye is always there. I want to be able to wear boyfriend-style jeans and an old man's shirt and big boots but still look really feminine!

Interestingly, so much of this I could do RIGHT NOW but it wouldn't FEEL right - I'd feel fat and ungainly and unconfident - like a bit of an imposter. But take off 50lbs and I WOULD FEEL ABSOLUTELY UN-FRICKIN-BELIEVABLE!

All these things. Worth much more than a cookie. Ok. got to remember that all day every day!! Once i'm down into the 180s, I think I got to set another goal beyond 176 because that will be within reach (wow. that will be the day!!). I'm trying to figure out what weight for my size will look curvy/atheletic but slim onthe waist and toned? I'm 5,6-5,7ish, big chest (38 F at the moment), curvy/hourglass figure - so big hips, little waist, with quite chunky thighs and calves. The running is changing things interestingly - I'm loosing the tummy pouch and my bottom is toning in a way that I did not expect. I repeat...MOST UNEXPECTED! I'd really like to get back to my old pre-pregnancy, pre-weight gain size of 36DD (because I have some great lingerie sets!!) but I think I'll probably end up more like 34 Long hahahah! Oh well, there's always surgery to consider! LOL. At the moment I can't see beyond being smaller than I used to be in my late teens/early 20s (UK size 14 etc..). I'm thinking that will be somewhere in the 160s maybe 150s - I used to fight in the 72kg judo category so that's between those weights. But being in the 130s/140s sounds too extreme right now - I jsut can't conceptualise what size I'd be or how I'd look (fantastic I'm sure!! I wouldn't be complaining!!).