ahhhhh this is a sad post...but a warning to us all too...
recently my sister visited & as she was going i said you've forgot your bag...no she said thats for you...i looked in & saw about 6/7 pairs of shoes...now anyone who knows me knows that one thing i'm not exactly short of is shoes..in fact i'm usually the one passing shoes on to friends/charity shops...
they were my auntie eileens........
just before xmas 2007 my auntie eileen was found dead in a park not far from where she'd been brought up as a child...
she'd been missing for about a week & her four children had been frantic with worry. it wasn't the first time that she'd just wandered off without telling anybody where she was going...aunite eileen suffered with depression...& sometimes had 'little epiodes' (think her family called them this to downplay their seriousness) when she was off meds etc but she'd always come back.
this time was different though...she made a point of acting very nonchalant with everyone...she was just going the video shop/she was a grown woman who didn't need an escort etc etc...while this of course was true...12 mths earlier she'd took an overdose of tablets & was found just in time by her daughters (all 3 are nurses...) so for the last yr or so they'd all been very anxious that she would try something like that again...they were right...despite her obvious distress with her illness she was crafty enough to act like everything was ok in the wks leading up to her going off. i think she did this as really she just wanted to end her life & she wated to make sure that the next time she tried she'd be successful...
i hadn't seen my auntie eileen for a quite a few yrs...i've let my r/ship with my mother (never good) dictate how much i kept in touch with other family members...big regret now...as i really used to feel quite an affinity with my mums 2 younger sisters...they both looked alike & i always got told i looked like them...looking at photos of my auntie eileen now is like looking at pics of myself in 15 yrs...
there were other similarities too...i knew she'd had clinical depression for yrs...as anyone who has had depression themselves will know it affects your judgement aswell as your emotional state...i've had depression twice (once was the yr after my 2nd divorce...which could explain why i let myself get caught up in that HUGE internet dating fiasco/moving in together & getting pregnant within 3mths of meeting....someone who i knew wasn't my type yet married anyway???!
) but i was lucky in that both times i responded very quickly to the anti-depressants & felt myself again within a few mths...to imagine feeling that way for yrs & yrs...with the medication not working...would be horrendous...& would affect everything....
i was really pissed off at my mother (nothing new...) when i found out that the yr before when my auntie eileen had tried to OD & was recovering in hospital...wishing she wasn't there....apparently she'd come round asking was she in heaven & got very upset when told she'd been 'rescued' & was in hospital...my mother made a point of telling her she had to 'just' pull herself together for the sake of her children (oh yes my mothers one of THEM...who thinks mental illness/emotional problems are just in your own head ie you're making them up/being dramatic etc...) i wish i'd been there to bloody tell her to sod off...can you imagine how overwhelmed my auntie must have felt?? guilt on top of feeling like total crap already?? i have no doubt she loved her children very very much...but she just couldn't see a way out of how she was feeling....in fact i'm sure she felt she was doing them all a favour...
added to her depression was the worry that she'd put on weight...so she avoided family gatherings/seeing friends....until she stopped going out socially altogether...at times she suffered with agoraphobia too & was consumed with fear that she'd have a major panic attack in public...i too suffered with panic/anxiety attacks in my late teens so i know how awful & scary they can be...that she was found in such a large, public, open space is ironic i guess....
eventually when her girls could manage it...they sorted out her things for charity/friends/family etc...thats when they found all the shoes....loads of them...unused/many with lables still stuck on....that she'd bought probably from catalogues & online as she hadn't been out shopping...really lovely shoes...she had good taste...many were heels that i'm sure she told herself that she'd wear one day...but she never did....looking at the shoes when i emptied the bag out on my couch i couldn't help but think....
it was like looking at a life unlead...............
Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.
Carl Jung
Swiss psychologist (1875 - 1961)
ever since..i have strove to lose this blummin weight & to get out & live my life as fully as it deserves to be...in memory of my auntie eileen...life really is too blummin short for all of us...& for those of us in good health both mentally & physically we really have no excuse...not to seize life by the bollox & kick its ass all the way to kingdom come!!!
