Amy's weight loss diary

Not the healthiest dinner, but I'm pretty sure it adds up calorie wise (I worked it out in theory based on the supermarket website before I ok-ed it. I'm almost certain it works out). We were intending to do something healthy (a recipe like I normally do from BBC Good Food or Taste), but then we saw a sausage recipe which my boyfriend really wanted... couldn't do it because his local supermarket doesn't have the stuff we need, so we ended up having sausages and mash (with a big side serve of sauteed onions and 100g of steamed spinach each). Then a (not at all low fat/ diet/ healthy) yoghurt for dessert.

He's really happy. I'm really happy.

I might buy him a set of scales for his place. Not just for my own purposes, but tonight I think I made progress with calorie counting, the benefits, and portion control.

Will take my notes on the food I've been eating and put them in my calorie counter retrospectively and post them here tomorrow. I don't have the program with me.
 
Glad you got out and went for the run. The stopping and starting doesn't matter, interval training is supposed to be the best way to do it isn't it?

Do you prefer the gym?
 
Oh, and the quote you posted was so true. I have decided to really knuckle down on the diet for a few weeks, and all of a sudden I'm yearning for food again, despite only eating one to two hundred calories less than I'm used too. Its like I've resigned myself to the fact that the next few weeks will be a white knuckle ride. And I know that's the wrong attitude to have. I would rather eat more calories and not have this feeling.
 
Yeah, I think I prefer the gym. Less stuff to get in the way, rain won't stop me, more variety, I can sweat/ exert myself more without worrying about my knees (elliptical or pool). And I think being able to control my speed on the treadmill means my walking is more effective too.

Also went for a walk with my boyfriend, didn't do very much running because he can't, but the park near him has a "fitness circuit" (hurdles, planks of wood to hook yourself into to sit up, a climbing rail- monkey bars for adults more like it- a sort of rope bridge, and others). Was mostly walking so that probably wasn't terribly efficient, but I did have a go on the monkey bar and rope bridge, which were hard work. (My wrists aren't strong enough for the monkey bars at the moment). We also mucked around on some of the play equipment (not the enclosed stuff that was kid sized, there was some other more traditional- and therefore more adult appropriate- equipment), which was a lot of fun.

Still at my boyfriend's place, working out calories too much work without my calculator, which is on my computer, which is at home. I'm fairly confident I'm within or close to calories though. I don't normally have breakfast as early as he does, so today may be interesting from that perspective.

Ruth, I don't like the sound of you having to go "white knuckled". Is there any way around that? I've avoided that almost entirely by incorporating "bad food" into my diet from time to time (this is why I have chocolate as often as I do). That thread to me was full of "I can see where they're coming from, and I'm so lucky I don't feel any of it"- but I posted it here because I thought it might be useful to others.
 
OK, I feel guilty for not tracking stuff. Can't tell you at the moment what I had yesterday before dinner (it's in my calorie counter, I'm bumming at my boyfriend's house- funnily, last night he said "maybe you should get an online calorie calculator"- that would be the one major disadvantage of the one I use at the moment), but these are my notes on what I had yesterday (dinner, except for the sausages, is half of the total):

170.5g brown onion (sauteed), 100g spinach (steamed), 243g potato (boiled then mashed), 3 sprays frylight, 73ml skim milk (in the potato), 5g flora light (in the potato), some salt (no idea how much, boyfriend grabbed it and started shaking it in, saying "you don't measure this, right?". say half a gram for the whole thing based on what I've seen the scale do when I've added salt before?). Two of these:
For dessert, this:

Working out calories alone for now (final figure will be worked out later): just shy of 779 calories. Not ideal, as I said, but it worked out and it made my boyfriend happy.

Breakfast- 45g Tesco oats cooked with 304ml milk, 80g raspberries, half a gram of cinnamon, with 37ml milk on top. Had 404ml water and a cup of tea with 60ml milk and 385ml tea in it. about 338 calories
 
It's funny how when you go on children's play equipment as an adult, you realise how strong and light and flexible kids are! I remember trying to go on the monkey bars a while ago and thinking how crazy that was...

Good work for going over to your bf's place even though you were uncomfortable about it!
 
One of my aims is to be able to get across that thing one day. I think it's because we're heavier? (or maybe just less strong per size)

Have had a bad day. Had an appointment about the time I normally had lunch, skipped lunch (with the intention of eating something later, and found myself wandering through the city in a bad hypoglycaemic state looking for something with an acceptable calorie count, rejecting everything for far too long. I was in a hell of a state by the time I got to somewhere where I could eat, and only chose that because it was either that or passing out. I said to myself when I started this that my diet would not get in the way of my safety. I walked in front of a freaking tram in my haze today (thankfully it wasn't moving, but it could have been for all I knew).

Strangely enough, this has scared me somewhat. This should not happen. Control is not that important to me that I risk my health that much. Weight loss is not that important to me.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the medium to long term, but tonight I need an exercise in no control. My boyfriend is taking me out, we're going to a place that doesn't calorie count (and isn't a healthy/ low calorie option), he's going to order for me (with my only input being his knowledge on what I do and don't like), and he's going to decide how much we/ I eat (how many courses). I'm not going to even attempt to calorie count this. This is a psychological exercise.

I hope to be back on the bandwagon tomorrow, but that depends on how this evening goes for me.

Sorry guys, I feel like I've let at least some of you down. I screwed up- not in my calories (to this point I'm pretty sure I'd be on track if I had what I'd originally intended for dinner, as I was careful-ish with my lunch), but in my mindset. Safety is more important than anything- even control.
 
hey Amy i totaly agree and dont think you've let anyone down.the opposite i would say.
Of course your diet is important but so is the rest of your life and health.
Do you feel you've overdone it?what is it exactly that let you go out for a dinner NOT counting cals and eating whatever.
For me that seems normal and ok.But from you saying its an exercise , i would like to know exaclty what is it that bothered you today(exept the tram)
 
Please Amy, never do that again! Get a couple of packets of crisps or something if you feel that faint again. That won't kill you diet, but you could have been bloody killed if that tram was moving! Its such a scary thought.

I agree you need to relinquish some control a little bit... However I would find it really hard to let my bf choose my dinner. In fact I might even freak out a bit :eek: Hope it went well for you and you were nice and relaxed! x
 
Jasper, I was/ am a little scared that I'm making calorie counting too important in my life, even though I explicitly said that I wasn't going to do that if it meant compromising other things. I know I get dizzy and faint if I go more than a few hours without eating, and it'd been nearly 7.5 hours after breakfast that I finally ate something again. I was feeling very, very sick by the time I got to food that I could accept eating, and I ate like an animal. I'm not proud. And I put myself in serious danger. I must have walked past at least 30, if not more than 50, places where I could've bought food. I probably walked 1.5km from my appointment to where I got food- that's a long way when you feel like you want to pass out. I knew I was feeling sick and I knew exactly why, but I couldn't bring myself to eat even for my own safety. That's not right.

The reason why I decided to do what I did tonight was to see how far my thinking has gone- whether I could make myself eat something that I know is bad for me, eat a lot of it, and not get upset. The thought "eating disorder" did cross my mind a few times this afternoon. That's really what I've been worried about. That although I've been eating healthily and sensibly, that I'd taken this to a point where it'd become a mental illness. Thankfully, tonight went quite well, and I don't think I have an eating disorder.

The thing that really bothered me- and this is in response to both Jasper and Ruth- is that I know I should've grabbed a packet of crisps, a bar of chocolate, a can of Pepsi, one of those disgusting overly calorific not filling sandwiches... something, anything. But I didn't. I knew as I was rejecting them that I was feeling sicker and sicker, and purposefully headed into the centre of town, where bus interchange meets tram interchange meets lots of cars- right where I could have been killed. (To be fair, I didn't quite think that clearly about it until just after I realised how close I'd walked to that tram. My thought was more "get into the centre of town, they have calorie counting places there") I even rejected the options at Eat, which was the first place I got to, as too high calorie! I ended up at Nando's, as I'd done that quite early on in my calorie counting (in April), and ordering pretty much what I'd had then. But by that point... I couldn't have made it to another place. I barely made it back to my table with my apple juice (which I ordered on purpose for the quick sugar rush). I could barely stand, let alone walk, at that point. That's messed up.

So tonight, my boyfriend took me out. He wasn't terribly pleased with me but was pleased that I was admitting I need help. This is the first time I've put myself in this much danger, but there have been days where there have been fractions of this and I've fought on. In retrospect, I shouldn't have let it get that far.

Had curry. Went to a place that I've been to half a dozen times but my boyfriend never went to. Relinquished all control. My boyfriend chose a banquet style meal to share- pompodums (spelling?) with sauces to start (they sort of come automatically at this place, so not in the banquet), with a starter of salad (I was trying to resist totting up the calories in my head there) along with chicken tikka pieces (two each), lamb tikka pieces (two each), and a fried onion thing (one each). Then four small currys (about two normal curry's worth of food)- a chicken korma, a lamb something (sounded like booty- you can tell I'm no expert at this and didn't even look at the menu), a chickpea vegetarian one, and another vegetarian one that my boyfriend said would be too hot for me and so I had a bit more of the others, with a serve of rice and two plain naan bread. Had two Appletizers with the meal. Then a few sweets (they come with the receipt), and we went for ice cream. A single one (I had honeycomb) on a plain cone.

A good meal, no earthly idea how many calories, very very fattening and salty.

And if anyone remembers what I said before about "I eat right because when I don't my body makes me pay? Fortunately the curry place wasn't too far from where my boyfriend lived... because I spent some time in the bathroom being taught a lesson. There was nothing wrong with the food... it's just the more processed food I eat, the more likely I am to get sick. I still don't feel entirely better, but I've only had to run to the bathroom once tonight.
 
Oh, and I did have slight jitters getting there- am I sure I want to be doing this? sort of thing- but once I got there it was fine. I enjoyed the food, I ate properly (too much, very full), and I know I don't have to be in control all the time. (I trust my boyfriend not to pick anything I can't or won't eat- in fact he said I could pick a drink because he didn't know what to get me. I said that wasn't the point, but since he didn't know "I don't like that or that or that, pick any of the others")
 
So. Two days worth of calories (I'm resuming normal calorie counting).

Yesterday:

Tuesday 21 June

Breakfast, coffee and snack
Water, tap, drinking 436 g 0.0
0.1% milk 261 g 91.4
Sainsbury's porridge oats 35 g 124.6
Tesco garden fruit mix 81 g 27.5
Sainsbury's be good to yourself natural probiotic yoghurt 109 g 60.0
Spices, cinnamon, ground 0.8 g 2.0
Coffee, brewed from grounds, prepared with tap water 257 g 2.6
0.1% milk 49 g 17.2
Sweeteners, tabletop, sucralose, SPLENDA packets 0.5 g 1.7
0.1% milk 61 g 21.4
Coffee, brewed from grounds, prepared with tap water 227 g 2.3
Sweeteners, tabletop, sucralose, SPLENDA packets 0.5 g 1.7
Gala apple 149 g 74.5
Subtotal: 426 calories, 24g protein, 73g carbs, 3g fat. 23/70/8

Lunch:
Flora Light 14 g 60.2
Tesco frozen salmon (a fillet- 90g) 94 g 108.1
Frylight Sunflower Oil Spray (1 spray- 0.18) 1.26 g 6.9
Onions, raw 164 g 65.6
Squash, summer, zucchini, includes skin, raw 133 g 22.6
Peppers, sweet, green, raw 161 g 32.2
Water, tap, drinking 421 g 0.0
Water, tap, drinking 463 g 0.0
Subtotal: 295 calories, 23g protein, 26g carbs, 12g fat. 30/34/37

Snack:
Water, tap, drinking 441 g 0.0
Nectarines, raw 93 g 40.9
Pears, raw 193 g 111.9
Subtotal: 152 calories, 1g protein, 39g carbs, <1g fat. 4/93/3

Dinner and dessert (with boyfriend):
Onions, raw 170.5 g 68.2
Tesco fresh leaf spinach 100 g 25.0
Boiled potato with skin 243 g 175.0
Frylight Sunflower Oil Spray (1 spray- 0.18) 0.54 g 3.0
0.1% milk 73 g 25.6
Salt, table 0.25 g 0.0
Flora Light 5 g 21.5
Tesco butchers choice cumberland sausages (97-2) 97 g 255.0
Tesco Finest strawberries and cream yoghurt (150) 150 g 292.5
Subtotal: 865 calories, 30g protein, 101g carbs, 38g (!!!!!) fat. 14/47/40

And a night tea, which I didn't measure and won't add.

Total: 1740 calories (pretty much 100%), 80g protein (80%), 241g carbs (91%), 54g fat (127%). 1068.4mg sodium, 3414ml water. Final split 18/54/28
 
Today's calories (up until and including lunch- after then, I don't know and I'm deliberately not going to try to find out)

Wednesday 22 June

Breakfast:
Tesco Scottish Porridge Oats 45 g 162.0
0.1% milk 304 g 106.4
Tesco frozen raspberries 80 g 21.6
Spices, cinnamon, ground 0.5 g 1.2
0.1% milk 37 g 13.0
Water, tap, drinking 404 g 0.0
0.1% milk 60 g 21.0
calorie free tea 385 g 0.0
Water, tap, drinking 450 g 0.0
Subtotal: 325 calories, 19g protein, 51g carbs, 4g fat. 24/64/12

Lunch:
Nandos quarter chicken leg (250) 250 g 217.6
Nandos lemon and herb baste (40g- 1/4 of chicken) 40 g 30.1
Nandos sweet potato mash side (serve- 200g) 200 g 236.0
Apple juice, canned or bottled, unsweetened, without added ascorbic acid 295 g 135.7
Subtotal: 619 calories, 29g protein, 91g carbs, 20g fat. 18/55/28

Total at 4pm: 944 calories, 48g protein, 143g carbs, 24g fat. 20/58/23

No idea about salt- stands at 73% in my current stats but I'm sure it's now off the charts- and water stands at 2187.9ml but I'll have some more before bed because I want my night tea and I'm incredibly thirsty.

Dinner was a banquet at a curry house (described above) and then I had a (single) ice cream at a nearby ice cream shop. Deliberately not even trying to count calories for that.
 
Don't worry too much Emerald. I've given myself a big fright, that's for sure! But I think it'll be ok. I recognised this was a problem- not immediately, but as soon as I had some food in my system and was getting my brain back. I think I've taken the right steps- talk to my boyfriend, get his advice/ support, 'fess up here, take a temporary step back from it all, test my boundaries, see how I get on, judge further action based on boundary testing. And I think I'm ok at the moment- I just need to watch myself. But now I know I need to watch myself, my boyfriend knows to watch me, and I know I can relinquish control. I had no temptation to try to get rid of what I was eating, minimise it, throw it up, anything (that bathroom comment may not have been clear- that wasn't voluntary on my part, and I wasn't throwing up. I don't like talking about that part/ function of my body so hopefully we can leave it at that). I enjoyed the meal (except there was way too much of it- by which I simply mean I think my stomach capacity has decreased. I ate hours ago and I'm still uncomfortably full), it's just not something I can do a lot of- but that's independent of diet (it's too expensive to do a lot of and even if I weren't trying to lose weight, I know it's not good for you).
 
Today is a brand new day. Lessons learned, and hopefully remembered for next time I need them. But apart from that, I draw a line under it, I start afresh. (I'm not hungry this morning- yes, I just woke up, don't judge me- but I'm eating breakfast as normal. Things are going back to the way they were. With lessons learned)
 
Thanks :)

I'm feeling ok given I had such a stinker yesterday. I've had my porridge more or less as usual (I had more oats/ less yoghurt) and am drinking my coffee (it's after midday but I was up very late, so... we'll see how we go). Slightly groggy and headachey but overall good. Slept very well last night (read a new tip I thought it was worth trying- elevate feet. So I stuck them on a couple of pillows. Don't know if it was that or other factors, but good sleep is good sleep).

I'm still sure I'm over full from last night, but I'm trying not to think about it. The only way to get past yesterday is to pick up and move on. I think given the clusterf*** of yesterday, if I try to compensate or anything, I'm compounding the problem.

Going to grab some painkillers (I have too many of those), crack the windows open, and tackle the day.
 
Are you often sick after you've eaten more than you're used to?

I was so worried to read that you were hungry to the point of being out-of-it and that you nearly got yourself hit by a tram! Amy! We need to keep an eye on you.

I very very very very much admire you for relinquishing that control to your boyfriend for one night. I guess it made you see how strict your regime is? And even though it is strict.. there is no doubt about the fact that it works.. sooo yeh. I can see why you stick in your routine but if it's led you to nearly have a tram-accident, because of needing to control what you eat.. it's good that you/your boyfriend have flagged up the issue.

So glad you are safe.

You made coffee. Now I'm gonna make coffee.
 
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I don't think it's as much eating too much as it is eating a lot of things that are too rich (or fatty/ salty/ processed). But yeah, it's something I've had a problem with for awhile now (I think it's getting worse over time, and I don't think I had it as a kid, but I've been like this for several years at least). My boyfriend had no reaction and the place we went has a good reputation, so I don't think it was food poisoning or anything. A lot of my family have IBS, and while I don't think I do, maybe I'm more suscepitble to those sorts of problems (at the risk of TMI) than someone without IBS without a family history?

The hypoglycaemia is a funny thing (side note- I don't actually have a diagnosis, but it's the easiest way to explain what I go through). I start to get out of it before I notice being hungry. And yes, I was starving yesterday, but I normally eat very regularly and I think for most people that kind of gap between eating anything is unusual, let alone for someone with known blood sugar issues. It's actually the principle reason why I eat as much as I do- I think I still do have a bigger appetite than most people, but I eat more to stop myself feeling out of it/ sick/ dizzy than I do to stop my stomach growling.

Yesterday (afternoon) sort of just happened. I didn't realise how bad it was until after the fact, if that makes sense. In fact, just after I walked in front of that tram I thought "I was quite close to that tram. I've never done that before". Once I had some food in my system my thought was more "holy s*** what the f*** did I do?!!!"

I'm actually quite proud that last night's relinquishing of control was my suggestion. I trust my boyfriend (although he makes some abysmal food/ health decisions) so I know he wasn't going to do anything hugely out of the ordinary or get anything I didn't like/ wouldn't eat, and we talked through my reasoning and what I wanted to get out of it. On that basis he got everything just right- food I would eat/ was familiar with, but was eminently unsuitable for calorie counting and quite a bit of it. Testing the appropriate boundaries without presenting me with other unrelated challenges (like unfamiliar food or unfamiliar environment- because given my state last night, who knows what might have triggered a problematic response?).

My big problem- normally, last night was sort of a test and so doesn't count- is that I don't know how to compare foods without calories. I'm actually fine with eating bad food some of the time- two nights ago I had sausages, I have chocolate quite regularly, etc. But I know the value of that in my overall scheme. I'd prefer to be healthy, but I'd have less of a problem with eating out if I knew the calories or had some way of comparing it to the rest of the food I eat (other than "good/ bad"- I've done the moral judgment thing with food before and it's enormously unhelpful, it leads to guilt, binges, etc) As you say, calorie counting works for me. But it can be quite restrictive- my boyfriend's been telling me this since day one- because if I don't prepare it myself and/ or take my scales everywhere with me, I'm not confident to eat it, which means that almost all of my meals have been at home, which is a real social hindrance. I think maybe it's time to think about new rules. Say, cut my normal calorie allowance and play the 80/20 game a bit more (be good/ track 80% of the time, relinquish at least some control 20% of the time). What do you (or anyone reading this) think about that?

And thank you, Carrie :)
 
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