A Little More than Useless

Bwah, eating a slice of pizza for dinner. I measured it out and am eating about 350 cals.

Not bad in calories, pretty bad seeing as how it's a slice of pizza.

But my parents brought it home and I craving it. >.< So I did the good thing.
 
I ate maintenence calories, going back for another slice of pizza.

I feel bad, this week has just been up and down. I can't let this become like all my other failures. Tomorrow I gotta get up, do my yoga and some cardio, eat a good breakfast and just deal. I have to learn to deal with my cravings. I know it's because it's my lady week, but it still feels bad. It's one of those weeks that make me feel like I can't do this, but I know I do not want to go back to how it was.

"Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all, and sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all. But then you assure me, I'm a little more than useless, and when I think that I can't do this, you promise me that I'll get through this, and do something right, do something right for once."

I just sing that in my head when I'm mentally freaking out.

>.<
 
You CAN do this!! You have to be able to enjoy what you're eating, and if that means a flour tortilla every now and then, so be it. One flour tortilla did not get anyone onto this forum.... it's a long process to gain the weight and it will be a long process to lose it. But that's ok! Because you've got time! You're not a failure if you're still trying. Keep eating that low-cal popcorn when you're hungry, and look for more things you can swap in that aren't bad for you (my favorite - Skinny Cow ice cream instead of Ben & Jerry's).

You'll get through this!!

:coolgleamA:
 
I love skinny cow ice cream too! =)

I know I have all the right tools, it's just when I get so emotional I always feel like I can't do it, but I know I can in my heart.

I did good today, some more yoga, and I ate a good breakfast. I guess these days remind me that I am taking steps and changing. Hopefully once this week is over I can move forward again. I feel really stuck this week, but I won't let it set me back.
 
Alright, I slipped up four, count them, four times last week.

But I suppose the difference between is that today is still a new day, I'm still counting my calories, still took my vitamins, I'm still eating a banana for breakfast and I still plan on eating to about 1,700 cals.

For all my failures I haven't quit. I even weighed myself.

As of now I stand back at 231, but even with that number staring me in the face I'm gonna keep going. Because I have goals and this is what I really want to do.

I've been weighing everything out. I've been going out of my way to make sure if I eat my mom's dinner that I weigh out portions for myself. This is something I never took the time to do before, I would just estimate some dumb number and go with that, not really caring.

Well, despite being about four lbs heavier, I'm gonna keep going. My goal is still 1-2 lbs, though I am crossing my fingers that some of it is still water weight and maybe I can get back to 227, and then go back to normal from there.

My goal is to get as close to 199 as possible by my birthday. I think it's still realistic, but even if I get to my birthday and I weight 205 or even 210, I will still be happy knowing it's the smallest I've gotten to in awhile.

I'm simply rolling with the punches. If I quit not I'll never be where I want. Everyone always says the journey is hard, and I imagine this is the sort of thing they were talking about, along with getting myself to exercise. I assume later on in the life this one week is going to seem insignificant, but right now it's killing me.

I'm gonna keep going though. =) I have to, right? There's nothing for me going the other way.

Big_Girl__You_Are_Beautiful_by_sockie.jpg
 
Well I'm back on my way and I'm not longer finding it hard to control myself.

I think it was just my monthly, and I guess that's something I'll have to deal with. Hopefully it will be easier with time, when I gain coping skills and some control over my cravings.

=) I'm pretty happy again. I did go pants shopping today. I dislike pants shopping. Shirts aren't as depressing, but pants...well they generally don't go well. I hold a lot of my weight in my, well my butt, lol. So it's hard to find a good fitting pair of pants.

I took my sadness from the failed pants adventure and turned it into another form of inspiration. I did go through a time when I thought, I have friends, I have boyfriends, I am never made fun of for being overweight, so why not just ignore it? Well, I guess I always knew somewhere in my heart that I wasn't happy, even with my life still being generally eventful. I just don't like how I look in the mirror. I try to keep my style, but it's hard to when I feel uncomfortable wearing a lot of things. Even if clothes I feel pretty in, there is always times when I feel uncomfortable.

Even besides the clothes, I just know I need to change for myself. ^.^ And that's what I learned today.
 
the_walrus0 said:
Well I'm back on my way and I'm not longer finding it hard to control myself.

I think it was just my monthly, and I guess that's something I'll have to deal with. Hopefully it will be easier with time, when I gain coping skills and some control over my cravings.

=) I'm pretty happy again. I did go pants shopping today. I dislike pants shopping. Shirts aren't as depressing, but pants...well they generally don't go well. I hold a lot of my weight in my, well my butt, lol. So it's hard to find a good fitting pair of pants.

I took my sadness from the failed pants adventure and turned it into another form of inspiration. I did go through a time when I thought, I have friends, I have boyfriends, I am never made fun of for being overweight, so why not just ignore it? Well, I guess I always knew somewhere in my heart that I wasn't happy, even with my life still being generally eventful. I just don't like how I look in the mirror. I try to keep my style, but it's hard to when I feel uncomfortable wearing a lot of things. Even if clothes I feel pretty in, there is always times when I feel uncomfortable.

Even besides the clothes, I just know I need to change for myself. ^.^ And that's what I learned today.
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Hi,

It really all boils down to how you feel inside. I know exactly how you feel. I look back at my life and it wasn't about how many friends I had or how many girlfriends as I had quite a few of both, it was how I felt inside. I was always the nice, happy fat person. I didn't feel happy inside though. I didn't like how I looked or felt. It took me a long time to smarten up and become the thin person that I knew was inside of me and was so elusive for a lot of years.

Weight loss is all about YOU and how YOU feel - not your friends or boyfriends or even family. If you aren't happy with how you look then it is up to you to change it. Friends and family will take you at face value- they love you regardless. You can't lose weight for how you look to strangers- because frankly - who cares what they think? You have to lose weight for yourself and no one else.

I am not saying that all heavy people are unhappy with how they look. For me though- I wasn't happy. It all came down to some inner reflection and why I felt sad a lot of the time. Believe me- I have a great wife and kids, a great job, nice house etc. but I wasn't happy. So I asked myself what is the dark cloud over me that is making me feel this way? My answer was my weight. Next step was 'what am I going to do about it'? Answer- stop stuffing your face and get some exercise-lol. I am really close to my goal weight of 175 ( about 7 pounds) and I am a much happier person than when I started. I feel like I can do anything and it is nice to be able to buy clothes off the rack again.

I am glad you had this revelation as well. You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work!
 
I think I was right about a lot of the weight gain last week being waterweight, I'm already back to 228.0 and it's only Tuesday. I'm hoping to be back to 227 by the end of the week.

I don't like to put weight back onto my weight loss ticker thing, I prefer to use it as a reminder of where I was.That way I can't stray too far,and if I do hopefully it'll be a punch in the face to get me back on track. In this case, knowing 227.4 isn't too far away it did help me want to get back to it.

I am running a bit late, I have a job interview type thing. It's actually a meeting with a man who's working on helping me get a job, so I am treating it like a job interview.

It's yet another reminder as to why I'm doing this. I feel fairly confident, but as I've only spoken to him on the phone and never in person so I feel like me being overweight is going to be...weird. I can't explain it. Anyways, it's nice to be up early having to be somewhere.

Well this was just a quick update, I was quite happy to see 228 staring at me this morning, and I am looking forward to 227, but then I am turn my expectations down. I can't be sure how much was water weight, I am fairly sure I did gain at least 1 lb, so I don't know if I'll get under 227 this week. It would be a miracle, because as last week had no loss, getting to 226 would make last week less detrimental, and would mean I've lost about 10 lbs in fourish weeks. =) I think that's good.

I am planning on taking an 'inbetween' picture around my birthday in May, and then taking another about two months later. I'm trying to plan them so I, and others, will see the most difference. I know how it's easier for other people to see a change, rather than you or people who see you daily. I am actually taking the before and after picture thing seriously. I really want to have something to track progress. ^.^ Besides a number, you know.
 
Oh I've gotten back to 227.4 exactly! I might even make it to 226 this week.

I know the scale can't always be trusted, but I do think for the first few months, since I know I won't suddenly see a huge change after only a month. The number is all I have to go on right now. It's my only push forward, but this morning I was ecstatic to see 227 looking up at me. It gave me new hope that maybe last week didn't ruin this week. =) If I can see 226 by the end of the week I will be super happy. I've been down to 219 and even 217, as my most...hungry times. I know this time when I see 219 I'm going to be so proud of myself. =)

Anyways, I know I update this all the time. It's usually the same little pep talk, but I do need it. It's for me, and it really does help.

And the feedback is amazing. ^.^ Even if I updated for days without a comment, it's helpful, and the fact that I get comments giving me support is really amazing.

I've never been to a place where I was actually given real support. It's really great. =D
 
I've lost another lb! I think, after the water weight came off, that everything has kind of fallen into place. It's been roughly four weeks since I started and I've lost 10 lbs. I'm proud of myself, for the past year or two all my crash diets have only lasted at the most three weeks, usually ending during my monthly.

This last week I've been kind of bad with the exercise. I'm going to try hard next week to get in at least thirty mins of exercise three days each week. Exercise is the hardest part for me. Some days I'm really ready to get into it, other days it's the worst idea in the world. I suppose I'll fall into a rythm where I just get it done. I do think at this point nutrition is the most important, and the exercise will fall into place. Especially as I get my engergy up and some of the weight comes off.

One step at a time! =) I am awfully happy with how things are going. I am never unsatisfied, I eat most things I'm craving or I have a suitable alternative, I wake up ready for the day and I feel....happier than I've been in so long. I do get my moments still, but it seems like I'm moving forward for something. I do know that if I can do this for myself I can do anything.
 
I ate a little extra today, about 1,900. I'm going to exercise and see if that helps, but I also was curious on how eating 1,900 would affect me when I'm not on my monthly.

I wonder if I'll gain, or stay the same, or still lose. I'm not really interested in upping my calorie intake, 1,700 seems to be working perfectly for me, I just don't want to freak out so much if I eat something like 1,800. I know I'll eventually hit a wall and have to lower my calories, so I'm just trying to feel out how my body responds. I think I did alright on the sodium intake today, so I'm not worried about retaining water with the extra calories. Anyways, I hope the results are too depressing. Not to mention tomorrow is my alotted drinking day. It's bad, but I eat less so I can fit in some booze. I only do this one day a week and Saturday is a recovery day where I drink a ton of water and eat really healthy. It's probably not the best way to go about it, but I think it's better than just ignoring the fact that alcohol has calories.

I'm just preparing myself for living a life of maintaining, eventually. It's a long ways away, but I'd rather clear up the booze issue pretty quick.
 
I just went upstairs and started eating like crazy. I probably ate to maintenence again.

WHY? I get last week. I was emotional and craving everything, but I was fine just 1 hour ago and all of a sudden I just lost it. It was like I blanked for a second. I stopped myself, but my stomach hurts, I'm bloated, and I ate primarily sugar, cheese and white breads.

It just scares me. I know tomorrow I'll just move past it, but I still worry. It's been a month and I've had two major binges and two kind of bad binges. That's four times I slipped up.

I guess I'm afraid that, because this is a lifestyle change, I won't be able to do it. I wasn't even hungry when I binged.

Maybe I'm stressed. I was thinking about how I need a job so I can get some money and get out of here to be with my best friend, and about how much I miss her. I was also kind of worried about the extra 200 hundred cals. Now look what I've gone and done. Ugh.

I suppose tomorrow is a new day, again. I just don't want to fail, I really don't.
 
It's me again, just one more time tonight.

I was just obsessing a bit in my head. I've been reading a lot about binge eating disorders and likewise, and I like to think I have everything wrong with me, but I realized that I don't have an eating disorder, I have habits. Habits that I developed my entire life. Very deeply set habits. When my parents bring home pizza and snacks my natural habit is to grab a bunch of food and bring it to my room where I sit infront of the computer or tv and just eat. I see now that I just need to develop new habits.

Just like smoking, it's gonna be hard for me to break this habit. Today wasn't a binge, I just gave in to deeply set old habits. So I just have to keep going with my new habits, until they sink in.
 
the_walrus0 said:
I just went upstairs and started eating like crazy. I probably ate to maintenence again.

WHY? I get last week. I was emotional and craving everything, but I was fine just 1 hour ago and all of a sudden I just lost it. It was like I blanked for a second. I stopped myself, but my stomach hurts, I'm bloated, and I ate primarily sugar, cheese and white breads.

It just scares me. I know tomorrow I'll just move past it, but I still worry. It's been a month and I've had two major binges and two kind of bad binges. That's four times I slipped up.

I guess I'm afraid that, because this is a lifestyle change, I won't be able to do it. I wasn't even hungry when I binged.

Maybe I'm stressed. I was thinking about how I need a job so I can get some money and get out of here to be with my best friend, and about how much I miss her. I was also kind of worried about the extra 200 hundred cals. Now look what I've gone and done. Ugh.

I suppose tomorrow is a new day, again. I just don't want to fail, I really don't.
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Don't beat yourself up over this. You are obviously under stress and I assume you are an emotional eater- I am too. Although that has changed recently. I used to turn to food to make me feel better. What I did was I found a replacement for that. Now for me, it was running. Now I run when I am feeling stressed. You just need to find a replacement- maybe it is reading, exercise or something else you love to do. Try to find something that you either can't do sitting down or that you can't do at home. I know when I was feeling stressed I was always at home near the snack cupboard. Then I would say to myself " I feel like something"- two bags of chips and leftover pizza later- then I would need something sweet and so on. Try to find something that will get you up and moving away from the snacks. You can do this- today is a new day!!
 
cowboy48 said:
Don't beat yourself up over this. You are obviously under stress and I assume you are an emotional eater- I am too. Although that has changed recently. I used to turn to food to make me feel better. What I did was I found a replacement for that. Now for me, it was running. Now I run when I am feeling stressed. You just need to find a replacement- maybe it is reading, exercise or something else you love to do. Try to find something that you either can't do sitting down or that you can't do at home. I know when I was feeling stressed I was always at home near the snack cupboard. Then I would say to myself " I feel like something"- two bags of chips and leftover pizza later- then I would need something sweet and so on. Try to find something that will get you up and moving away from the snacks. You can do this- today is a new day!!
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Yeah I know, but it never feels like that to me. It just kind of happens and suddenly I'm wondering what the hell happened.

It wasn't too bad of a set back, actually. I weighed myself knowing it wouldn't be too good, and I just accepted it. I am back to what I normally do.

I just really want to believe that no matter what happens I will be able to continue with this. Even if I slip up one day, or four days, I want to come back to this, because that's what this is, it's a lifstyle change. I just have to remember that.

Anyways, I'm done freaking out. New day. =) If it's a lifestyle change I can't lose my head. I would like to try to slip up far less than I have been. While I have lost about 10 lbs in four weeks, which is great to me, I'd like to spare myself the frequent bouts of depression and anxiety. x.x
 
the_walrus0 said:
Yeah I know, but it never feels like that to me. It just kind of happens and suddenly I'm wondering what the hell happened.

It wasn't too bad of a set back, actually. I weighed myself knowing it wouldn't be too good, and I just accepted it. I am back to what I normally do.

I just really want to believe that no matter what happens I will be able to continue with this. Even if I slip up one day, or four days, I want to come back to this, because that's what this is, it's a lifstyle change. I just have to remember that.

Anyways, I'm done freaking out. New day. =) If it's a lifestyle change I can't lose my head. I would like to try to slip up far less than I have been. While I have lost about 10 lbs in four weeks, which is great to me, I'd like to spare myself the frequent bouts of depression and anxiety. x.x
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I know what you mean about the depression and anxiety. Weightloss is so hard sometimes. It isn't about just stopping the eating- it is so much more. It affects us mentally, physically, and socially. Every time I had a binge out day- I felt like a failure. I knew I wasn't but the guilt would eat away at me. I guess they first thing I had to do was accept myself just the way I was. Fat or skinny- I am the same person. I didn't like to look in the mirror or have my picture taken- to tell the truth I am still that way today. Being fat leaves emotional scars that I don't know if I can heal. Self esteem is getting better now that I have lost weight but it still isn't there. You know what I mean? It will get better. I know it will and it will get better for you too. Lucky I have this forum-lol. I have never been one to write things down but I started a diary and find it very helpful.
 
I am trying Shirataki noodles today.

I think because I read that they can be slimy tasting that I had that in my head and at first they kind of were, but they are not now that I've had some bites.

I used a super thick and cheesy fettucini kind of sauce, since I wasn't sure what to expect with the noodles. I made the sauce with a half cup of 2% milk, something like 30 grams of parmesan cheese, and two laughing cow cheese wedges, swiss.

The package of noodles says it has zero calories. I find that hard to believe but I googled it, and apparently the ones that are not infused with tofu are zero calories.

I also read that the tofu ones have a texture we are more used to than the ones I got, but I wasn't positive what I was looking for and the asian market scares me.

I guess these bad boys are mostly fiber. I'm eating them as I write this. They are very chewy, not bad, but I don't know how often I'll be eating them. Maybe if I made less of them and used them as a side dish, instead of the meal. The sauce is good though and they are really filling. I used the whole package and chalked the sauce up to about 300 cals. I overestimated the cals, as I tend to do.

Later I will be making gyoza. It's something my sister showed me. She makes hers with ground pork or beef, but I prefer to just chop up some cabbage, really well, mix it with some low sodium soy sauce and just a tiny bit of hot sesame oil. My sister just found some slightly thinner, but lower calorie gyoza wrappers. They take some preparation but I can have twelve of them for about 300 cals. And twelve of them is a lot, I always feel super satisfied after them.

Anyways, the noodles are good. I mixed in a few shrimp, but I think that was a bad idea. They aren't meshing well with the noodles. I added them for some extra protien but I think next time I'll leave them out.

Well I ate the bowl of noodles. I don't find them bad, but I think I should try the tofu ones. The closer I can get to real pasta texture the better. I'm probably just not used to them, also today I've been sick feeling mostly because of my last night kitchen raid. My body is really mad at me right now, and I don't blame it.

Anyways, I'll probably have some gyoza later for lunch, and then dinner is a mystery to me right now. Probably a boca burger and some sweet potatoe fries. I like to leave some calories open for snacks too, especially in the evening.

I might go soak in the tub for awhile. It's not the noodles, I've felt kind of sick all day.

I just don't want to attribute my sick feeling to the noodles. x.x
 
I said something I didn't mean to this morning and accidentally made my sister mad. It's just she's the only one in this house who knows what to do to lose weight and she's just been slipping up a lot and I made a not very nice joke about how she's not being very good support. I understand why it hurt her, but I honestly didn't mean anything by it. I feel bad now, I know it's hard for her too.

Anyways, this morning despite my bad week last week and my slip up two days ago I am still at 226.8. I still have tomorrow but I am pretty happy with what I'm at.

This morning is going well, and last night my parents brought home so much sugar it was ridiculous, but I decided that if I could just wait til today I'd make some calories so I could have a serving size of the candy today. Not for breakfast of course, I'm waiting for a more reasonable time, like maybe a snack between lunch and dinner. I know I should be avoiding sugars and stuff, but I'm finding it's good for me to work in the stuff I want and then eat well the rest of the day.

Still going slow, and still learning. I realized that, while it feels like everyday is difficult, at the end of the day it really isn't. Every day, week and month is going to go by no matter what I do, and if I take that extra step every week I have a chance to lose two lbs, and every month I have a chance to be 8 lbs closer to my goal.

So I gotta suck it up. ^.^ Today will be easy, I can tell. I'll probably read, play some games, watch a movie and get in bed early.

I haven't actually felt like drinking for the past few days. It's kind of crazy actually. =) I'm really, honestly content right now. And I really think it's this website that's helped me so much.

Even when I lost lbs every day I was tired and sad all the time. I hated myself, I was hungry and I was always waiting to be thin instead of living. Everyday was a fog trying to just make it to 130.

Even though it's only been four weeks and I've only lost ten lbs, well, I wish I could tell you guys how much of a help you've been. This forum and everyone in it. =) I suppose my gratitude will be more clear when I've been around longer and maybe lost a bit more weight. I am trying to keep it in my head that someday I will be a success story and I will help other people like me.

None of my friends listen to me now, but I hope once I've lost a signifiicant amount of weight they will take me seriously. I always tell them what they have to do, and I think they make the mistake of thinking that because I'm overweight I don't know what to do.

It means I've been going through this for most of my life and after years of trying everything I am finally figuring out what it's all about. I'm really glad I'm doing this young, even though I don't think it's too late for anyone.

I wish my mom would listen to that...I think she feels like she's too old to do it and she's given up.

My thoughts are all over the place, lol. I'm going to entertain myself.
 
the_walrus0 said:
I said something I didn't mean to this morning and accidentally made my sister mad. It's just she's the only one in this house who knows what to do to lose weight and she's just been slipping up a lot and I made a not very nice joke about how she's not being very good support. I understand why it hurt her, but I honestly didn't mean anything by it. I feel bad now, I know it's hard for her too.

Anyways, this morning despite my bad week last week and my slip up two days ago I am still at 226.8. I still have tomorrow but I am pretty happy with what I'm at.

This morning is going well, and last night my parents brought home so much sugar it was ridiculous, but I decided that if I could just wait til today I'd make some calories so I could have a serving size of the candy today. Not for breakfast of course, I'm waiting for a more reasonable time, like maybe a snack between lunch and dinner. I know I should be avoiding sugars and stuff, but I'm finding it's good for me to work in the stuff I want and then eat well the rest of the day.

Still going slow, and still learning. I realized that, while it feels like everyday is difficult, at the end of the day it really isn't. Every day, week and month is going to go by no matter what I do, and if I take that extra step every week I have a chance to lose two lbs, and every month I have a chance to be 8 lbs closer to my goal.

So I gotta suck it up. ^.^ Today will be easy, I can tell. I'll probably read, play some games, watch a movie and get in bed early.

I haven't actually felt like drinking for the past few days. It's kind of crazy actually. =) I'm really, honestly content right now. And I really think it's this website that's helped me so much.

Even when I lost lbs every day I was tired and sad all the time. I hated myself, I was hungry and I was always waiting to be thin instead of living. Everyday was a fog trying to just make it to 130.

Even though it's only been four weeks and I've only lost ten lbs, well, I wish I could tell you guys how much of a help you've been. This forum and everyone in it. =) I suppose my gratitude will be more clear when I've been around longer and maybe lost a bit more weight. I am trying to keep it in my head that someday I will be a success story and I will help other people like me.

None of my friends listen to me now, but I hope once I've lost a signifiicant amount of weight they will take me seriously. I always tell them what they have to do, and I think they make the mistake of thinking that because I'm overweight I don't know what to do.

It means I've been going through this for most of my life and after years of trying everything I am finally figuring out what it's all about. I'm really glad I'm doing this young, even though I don't think it's too late for anyone.

I wish my mom would listen to that...I think she feels like she's too old to do it and she's given up.

My thoughts are all over the place, lol. I'm going to entertain myself.
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Hi,

You can do this- I know you can! You have the right attitude and mindset. Weight loss is very tough sometimes. It is best to do it when you are young but it is not too late for your Mom. I don't know how old you are but I would guess I have kids your age. I am 49 and my oldest is 23 and I just lost 73 pounds so far-so it isn't too late for your Mom. She just has to eat healthy and exercise. If it would help- have her read some of the diaries in this forum from some of us 'old timers' -lol. You are doing great!! Keep up the good work!!
 
=)

I'm super hungover today. Yesterday was my designated drinking night on the weekend.

Today is recovery. D:

Love you guys, I'm going to go lay on the couch and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
 
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