A Girl has got to eat.

[usedtobefatmatt]

lol cabbie


this is a bit off subject, but i need to vent a little because it's really starting to piss me off. why is it now that im losing weight, people around me (like my mom) suddenly feel it's okay to scrutinize severly overweight people. for example my mom and i were shopping and i saw this heavy woman, probably close to 400 pounds and my mom started kicking up a fuss. nudging me and gasping and fingerpointing. i was pretty shocked at her behavior, then i became angry and confronted her, which was pointless because my mom is set in her ways. but i will tell you this though, i will never be one of those people who make fun or laugh at or with those laughing at an obese person.

never.

I agree with this. I will never judge someone else. I dont know their story, what they are going through or what they have been through.

Except for one thing, my brother. All those years he called me fat, who is the family fatty now? HA HA HA HA (in my evil sinister voice)

Glad to see everything is going well. Enjoy the weekend!

 

[geoaidan]

ymcachick,

youre taking a chance if you invest in a person who isnt willing or is unable to invest in themselves.

Very beautifully said. Agreed 100%.

why is it now that im losing weight, people around me (like my mom) suddenly feel it's okay to scrutinize severly overweight people

The true colors came out now. This tells me that she used to categorize you as one of these people. Now that you've lost the weight, she doesn't view you in that category anymore, and is more comfortable saying what she really thinks.

That's what I mean, when I said "I'd only be comfortable being with someone that was obese before and isn't anymore"... It wasn't that I had a grudge. It was the actual thinking process where people judge others on how they appear- in avery discriminatory manner. It is very hard to tell how a person truly thinks. Easier to have the trust there when you know that this other person has experienced it themselves.

i will never be one of those people who make fun or laugh at or with those laughing at an obese person.

Point made.

I think that it's cool that you're having those thoughts and figuring out where you stand in life. I think it's part of that process of healing yourself. Weight loss is not just physical- it's mental and emotional as well.

 

[Camy]

Your diary has gone all philosophical, I like it, YMCA!

I have to say, never having been obese, I find myself staring inadvertently at obese people, especially if they are very young. I saw this boy, he must have been 10 or 11 and he was way over 250 pounds. I was so horrified, because I can see how an adult gets to be obese, I mean I know how easily I spin out of control sometimes, so I can totally see how someone would not catch it "early" like I did, but a child? Children get fed by their parents!
But I guess I never make fun of them, it is just natural human (and medical) interest that makes me stare. And I will try to think of you and how I really shouldn't, next time!

One of those things I really don't want anymore is when someone asks someone else: "who is this camy girl?" for them to answer "you know, the chubby girl, blond hair". I do not want chubby or chunky or fat to be the describing word when it comes to my persona (and I do not know for a fact that that is what they use for describing me but I know I would probably use it to describe me...). And I hate it when people see me with my sister (5 foot tall 105 pounds) they always comment: wow you are SO different. (which we are, I am blond and she is dark haired, she has a big nose and I don't, I have freckled skin, she doesn't, but moe than anything I am sure they are thinking of our sizes, I am medium to large, she is xxs).

Anyhow I agree with aidan, losing weight is not just a physical thing, it is an emotional thing as well!
Have a great week, Camy

 

[More Energy]

As far as what I eat, I make sure I pack my meals full of protein and fiber. I drink a lot of water throughout the day too.

Hi YMCAchick,

Don't forget to include good fats. Fat is an ESSENTIAL part of your diet.

Make sure you eat lots of nuts, avocado and oily fish, such as salmon or sardines.

is a really good resource for accurate health information

I'm a Nutritionist, so if you have any specific questions drop me a line =)

-More Energy

 

[Kaiser3]

Hi YMCAchick
I've been catching up on your diary, and I think you are a very interesting thinker. I like the way you write.
I understand about having difficult parents, although I think that your mum has been a real trial to you while you go through this process of getting healthy. I agree with you though that you can't change her, just learn to get around her ways. My family are all doctors and every time I see one of them, I get the "pinch test". During the hello hug, I get pinched around the middle to see how fat I am, and then I get a look depending on how overweight they think I am.
I understand that medically it is good to have less fat, but I really think the "pinch test" is not medically driven at all! They are worried that I am going to get fat and never find a nice man to settle down and have kids with. All my aunts are super skinny, bordering on anorexic. The rest of the family are all athletes, so not anorexic looking, but only have 4% body fat, that sort of thing. My mum and me are the only ones with pudge. I hate being judged according to that, but that is family for you.

I am glad to see that you are doing so well by ramping up your exercise rather than focusing on food a tonne. That is how I've decided to try and lose this weight as well because when I exercise, I just feel happier all over and I'm less likely to eat poorly. Whenever I go at it from the other angle, just restricting my calories, I get all depressed and lazy and end up GAINING weight when I eventually binge out. So I am thrilled to see that going at the issue from an exercise point of view actually works! You have motivated me hugely.

Have a great week! How is your stepdad doing?
Rachel

 

[Owl1]

this is a bit off subject, but i need to vent a little because it's really starting to piss me off. why is it now that im losing weight, people around me (like my mom) suddenly feel it's okay to scrutinize severly overweight people. for example my mom and i were shopping and i saw this heavy woman, probably close to 400 pounds and my mom started kicking up a fuss. nudging me and gasping and fingerpointing. i was pretty shocked at her behavior, then i became angry and confronted her, which was pointless because my mom is set in her ways. but i will tell you this though, i will never be one of those people who make fun or laugh at or with those laughing at an obese person.

Some of my friends don't realize that I used to be severly obese and will act like that in front of me, pointing out women who, honestly, are not that fat but just dressed...um, not flatteringly. It annoys me to no end, but I use it as an opportunity to not only let them know I don't condone that behavior, but to tell them that it could happen to them too. Its not like I woke up one morning and said "I think I'm going to gain 150 lbs". And some of my friends that did know me when I was at my heaviest will always say "it never seemed like you were that big" to which I have to reply, "well I was, and a part of me always will be, so keep you comments to yourself." of course, I'm not known for being diplomatic, people actually depend on me to say the things they wont.

 

[Guest]

YMCA! where are you!?!?!

 

[astrolab]

This diary is more addictive than junk food!

 

[ymcachick]

oh crap! I feel like a real asshole. all these responses and i havent been around to reply back! it's been a crazy week. ive been working all different hours tryin to make sure ive scraped together enough spending money for my vacation. quick update on my weigh in: i only lost half a pound this week so i didnt bother movin the ticker, but im not stressin since i had an abnormally large number last week. and oh god, my cycle is coming too. i know this because i started sobbing over that new viral video JK wedding entrance dance, and i dont cry over that kind of stuff!

anyway, you guys are great. im going to try readin and replyin to all the responses as well as play catch up on everyone else's diaries. in the meantime, i hope every one is doing well!

 

[Guest]

I'm happy you came back for the update---and didn't fall off the cliff!!

You truly truly have inspired me to increase my cardio time and to give it my all..!!

 

[thecabbie]

oh crap! I feel like a real asshole. all these responses and i havent been around to reply back! it's been a crazy week. ive been working all different hours tryin to make sure ive scraped together enough spending money for my vacation. quick update on my weigh in: i only lost half a pound this week so i didnt bother movin the ticker, but im not stressin since i had an abnormally large number last week. and oh god, my cycle is coming too. i know this because i started sobbing over that new viral video JK wedding entrance dance, and i dont cry over that kind of stuff!

anyway, you guys are great. im going to try readin and replyin to all the responses as well as play catch up on everyone else's diaries. in the meantime, i hope every one is doing well!

We are doing well!

Craziness (life), happens and we don't expect you to put us first... ever!

You are not an asshole (at least to the best of my knowledge)...

and a half pound or so is still just fine.

I thank god on a regular basis that I was born male. Sorry, I can feel for all the women out there nearing their TOM...

But I just can't quite reach

 

[ymcachick]

Hey guys, I don't feel like an inspiration at all. I feel like a big fat fucking failure. Words of warning here: if you're in a good mood and don't want to be brought down, dont read any further.

I've had a few things happen that have triggered my binge eating. If I'm completely honest with myself, it started the moment I saw I lost 11 pounds in one week. It was almost as if my accomplishment had to be accompanied by failure. Why do I do this? Why now? Why when I'm on the verge of achieving so much, do I continuously sabotage myself? I don't understand this at all. It's almost as if I cant allow myself happiness. Maybe it's because I'm afraid. I'm so paralyzed by fear that I'd rather be a 300 pound shut in, because hey, at least no one can hurt me then. I can control the pain. And I'm the one doing the damage. No one else, right? Jesus. How fucked up is this kind of thinking? What is wrong with me? I wish I knew how to stop this circular behavior. I wish I knew how to fucking love myself and accept that I will have limitations, that life has limitations, and that it's alright to be scared. I could honestly cry right now. At the moment, I feel lost and hopeless and a great deal of self-pity. I dont know how to get out of it.

To top it all off, I have dry socket from a wisdom tooth removal and the pain is about as unbearable as it can get. Not only that, but I bought a new pair of shoes last week, and tore they the skin off the back of my ankle. I havent been able to wear any shoes with a backing, so I haven't been exercising like I should. It depresses me more, so I eat more. Icecream and pudding galore. Anything soft and sweet I've been shoving it down my throat. And here I am with a weigh day tomorrow and I'm a fucking coward. I can't even face the scale. To top it off, im gearing up for my period any day now, so I'm sure all of this is magnified times a million.

Basically you guys are my crisis line, and I really need some help to get through this, whatever 'this" may be.

 

[thecabbie]

Hey guys, I don't feel like an inspiration at all. I feel like a big fat fucking failure. Words of warning here: if you're in a good mood and don't want to be brought down, dont read any further.

You won't bring me down. I'm in a good mood. You are not a failure by any stretch. And given where you started, you aren't fat either.

I've had a few things happen that have triggered my binge eating. If I'm completely honest with myself, it started the moment I saw I lost 11 pounds in one week. It was almost as if my accomplishment had to be accompanied by failure. Why do I do this? Why now? Why when I'm on the verge of achieving so much, do I continuously sabotage myself?

I'm not sure, but if you look around you, I'm guessing you'll find a whole forum full of people who have been here before. I do it all the time. I have been at my current weight a bunch of times, and fallen off the wagon just as many. I need help here too. Everyone tells me how good I'm doing. Meh, not from where I sit. I realize every day, every minute of the day that I'm only a couple of steps away from falling off again.

I don't understand this at all. It's almost as if I cant allow myself happiness. Maybe it's because I'm afraid. I'm so paralyzed by fear that I'd rather be a 300 pound shut in, because hey, at least no one can hurt me then. I can control the pain. And I'm the one doing the damage. No one else, right? Jesus. How fucked up is this kind of thinking? What is wrong with me? I wish I knew how to stop this circular behavior. I wish I knew how to fucking love myself and accept that I will have limitations, that life has limitations, and that it's alright to be scared. I could honestly cry right now. At the moment, I feel lost and hopeless and a great deal of self-pity. I dont know how to get out of it.

Go ahead and cry if it helps. Question, and this one may be too personal for a public forum, so don't feel you have to answer it, just think about it. Why are you scared? What I mean is, have you had events in your life that had a strong enough effect on you that you needed to feel like hiding behind your weight as a safety net? Did it make you feel more unapproachable?

Please, please, do not take that the wrong way... it's just that I've been around some people (women), who have used body "armor" as a method of feeling like they had control over being hurt by men. like I said, this is personal stuff. I don't care if you want to answer it here. I'm only writing about it to ask you to think...

To top it all off, I have dry socket from a wisdom tooth removal and the pain is about as unbearable as it can get. Not only that, but I bought a new pair of shoes last week, and tore they the skin off the back of my ankle. I havent been able to wear any shoes with a backing, so I haven't been exercising like I should. It depresses me more, so I eat more. Icecream and pudding galore. Anything soft and sweet I've been shoving it down my throat. And here I am with a weigh day tomorrow and I'm a fucking coward. I can't even face the scale. To top it off, im gearing up for my period any day now, so I'm sure all of this is magnified times a million.

Ouch and ouch!! As far as the circle of depression and eating. Yup, been there before and it feels sometimes like it just starts to spiral...

Again, thankfully, no TOM for me, lol... wrong parts

Basically you guys are my crisis line, and I really need some help to get through this, whatever 'this" may be.

Aw, heck, I don't know if I helped or just muddied it all up, but at least I said hi!

Look, I've been a fan of yours for a while because of your consistency with this weight loss process. We all have bad days, weeks, whatever. I'm happy to be a buddy if you need one.

Now take a deep breath.

 

[kureransu]

hey you. no worries. we like comfort. that's all there is too it. Losing weight changes A LOT. it can be a sensory overload. I mean we get more attention, we have to buy no clothes. our mindset changes. people look at you different. and while all those things are good, sometimes its overwhelming. just yesterday i was at lunch and the ladies behind the counter were giggling and looking at me. the come up to me and say you look skinny now. you doing a good job and look cute. lol i really don't feel that way yet, but it makes it harder to keep going becuase well people say it enough you start to believe it.. then you fight yourself. not saying you, but in general. also. Dealings like that makes people uncomfortable at times, and some aren't interested in being the center of attention. so being bigger allows us to hid ib our own world and that way we get to be our own critic. i wouldn't worry about it so much. you're doing fine. we all fall offa little, but you know what it takes to get back so just get to it. being upset over it. just fuels it more and you get in a vicious cycle. you are very inspiring more than you think. you coming here and admitting all this makes it easier for people trying. you prove that it can be done, and that you can have struggles. it not a perfect run, which i believe a lot of people think. We stall out and fall off, but we don't give up. its a minor setback, which i think is healthy. it means your living life and not letting your weight completely dictate how you live. people need to read this. and you have provided a reality for them that say, hey man its not all flowers and rainbows. we all got our demons and we fight them off as much as we can, but sometimes the overwhelm us for a bit and we falter, but what WILL happen is you will come back twice as strong and it it'll be even longer before you get into another situation like this. i got your back ymca, and i know you are going to over come your slump. also don't worry about the scale. if it has more than you want, you already know you have the discipline to lose it, so just lose it! ok i hope i helped. keep strong and have fun.

 

[fitforaking]

You know, for this response I typed and deleted, typed and deleted...typed and deleted. Told myself, "E you shouldn't say that"...."yes you should"..."no you shouldn't"..."you don't know how people will take it"...."they might not think the way you do"...Type/delete, type/delete...

Bottom line is you are worthy! You are worthy of being loved! But first, you must love yourself. And to love yourself, you must know what true love is. You must be able to receive love. With love...fears are calmed, hurts are mended, outlooks are changed, joy is found. And to me, "love" is one word...and it's in your post.

But what do I know??? I'm just a stupid sheep...

E.

 

[Guess Who]

Hey guys, I don't feel like an inspiration at all. I feel like a big fat fucking failure. Words of warning here: if you're in a good mood and don't want to be brought down, dont read any further.

I've had a few things happen that have triggered my binge eating. If I'm completely honest with myself, it started the moment I saw I lost 11 pounds in one week. It was almost as if my accomplishment had to be accompanied by failure. Why do I do this? Why now? Why when I'm on the verge of achieving so much, do I continuously sabotage myself? I don't understand this at all. It's almost as if I cant allow myself happiness. Maybe it's because I'm afraid. I'm so paralyzed by fear that I'd rather be a 300 pound shut in, because hey, at least no one can hurt me then. I can control the pain. And I'm the one doing the damage. No one else, right? Jesus. How fucked up is this kind of thinking? What is wrong with me? I wish I knew how to stop this circular behavior. I wish I knew how to fucking love myself and accept that I will have limitations, that life has limitations, and that it's alright to be scared. I could honestly cry right now. At the moment, I feel lost and hopeless and a great deal of self-pity. I dont know how to get out of it.

To top it all off, I have dry socket from a wisdom tooth removal and the pain is about as unbearable as it can get. Not only that, but I bought a new pair of shoes last week, and tore they the skin off the back of my ankle. I havent been able to wear any shoes with a backing, so I haven't been exercising like I should. It depresses me more, so I eat more. Icecream and pudding galore. Anything soft and sweet I've been shoving it down my throat. And here I am with a weigh day tomorrow and I'm a fucking coward. I can't even face the scale. To top it off, im gearing up for my period any day now, so I'm sure all of this is magnified times a million.

Basically you guys are my crisis line, and I really need some help to get through this, whatever 'this" may be.

Why do you have to have limitations? You should realize that you are not different than any single person out there. If they can do, then you can do it. There are no super humans that have anythign different than you. You want to look like the bikini model down the street. You can, but you have to just get there.

 

[Guess Who]

Some of my friends don't realize that I used to be severly obese and will act like that in front of me, pointing out women who, honestly, are not that fat but just dressed...um, not flatteringly. It annoys me to no end, but I use it as an opportunity to not only let them know I don't condone that behavior, but to tell them that it could happen to them too. Its not like I woke up one morning and said "I think I'm going to gain 150 lbs". And some of my friends that did know me when I was at my heaviest will always say "it never seemed like you were that big" to which I have to reply, "well I was, and a part of me always will be, so keep you comments to yourself." of course, I'm not known for being diplomatic, people actually depend on me to say the things they wont.

I have never pointed and laughed at an obese person. I used to be one as well. However I will tend to stare (not where they can see me) into their grocery baskets. I think to myself "dang!" or "YAY for them they are trying to eat healthy"

It's kinda like smokers (which I was one for 11 years) that are hacking up a lung every three seconds, and say that it's annoying or that it hurts. Um quit smoking. Or they are on oxygen and they say they have a hard time breathing, um well quit smoking.

 

[MicheeH]

Hey YMCAchick! It looks like your going through a rough time right now but keep in mind how much of a motivation you are, especially to those who are still trying to get the hang of starting this whole journey. It's ok to fall off the wagon sometimes, its being able to pick yourself back up and jump on it again that counts. You can do it!

 

[ymcachick]

You have all been a tremendous help. Thank you for all the replies. Today I spent the day reflecting a lot, and since my tooth and foot are feeling a bit better, I'm going to give it all a go tomorrow. I'm going to do my exercise, including day 1 of week 4 of my couch to 5k program. I'm going to eat well tomorrow, and stay focused. Aside from the gym and going for my run, I'm going to have a "me" day, and basically take care of myself again. Hopefully this will get me going well again. Exercise usually does. I just need to stay there mentally.

Cabbie, I did cry and actually felt better for doing it. You've given me a lot to think about and I spent most of the day (in between dental visits and painting) doing just that... thinking. After my little spastic breakdown, I think I realized the power of actually writing shit down here. It definitely serves as a catharsis of sorts.

Kureransu, I think you've brought up a lot of valid points. I'm still coming to terms with the amount of weight Ive lost, and I think because things are changing so quickly, I haven't emotionally kept up. My therapist resigned 2 weeks ago, and I had to pick up a new one. I was supposed to meet with her on Monday, but I cancelled, which obviously was a huge mistake, but I think it's also reflective of how Ive been feeling. It's not all rainbows and shit. Youre right, and I need to get on with it again. I just wish I could understand why I seemingly want to mess things up when theyre going so well. I suppose that's best left for the shrinks lol. I'm also going to follow your advice and skip the scale for a while. I'm going to try my best to hold off until september 1st. Fingers crossed! lol

Fitforraking, lol the truth usually works best with me. Sometimes I really need to have my ass kicked in order to get back into the shape of things. You have permission to do just that. Any feedback/constructive criticism is welcomed by me. And judging from your post, I think you KNOW a lot!

Guesswho, you're right about the limitations. I was in a pity pot last night and just generally feeling very bad about myself and life in general. I just need to work through it and when I have a rough day/week, hopefully you guys will be here to set me straight again.

MicheeH, thanks for the encouraging words, and you're right I can do it and will do it. Sometimes all a person needs to hear is "you're going to be okay", or "it's going to be alright". And I know it will be. I just need to make this quote by Leonard Cohen my personal dogma...

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

 

[ymcachick]

After waking up from a dream in which I was having a fucking donut fight??? I got back to my happy spot and am now sitting down to a nutritious breakfast. I'm feeling real good today. Better than I have for a while. My dry socket seems to be on the road to healing, so I'm not needing much pain medication, and my foot also feeling A-okay.

I'm going to take things nice and slow. Try not to be so impulsive and think before I eat lol. It's the first day after a bingefest that is usually the hardest. I just need to get through today. Oh yeah, and my period started. So I'm very happy to get that out of the way too!