Thanks Llama and Cate!
I will give an update.
The truth is I don't want to talk about some things, but on the other hand I have to say it somewhere, and this seems like a perfect place to do that. There are three topics I want to touch.
First: food. We had the Christmas breakfast and the Secret Santa yesterday at work. I ate quite a lot. But not too much. I am happy about it. I am continuing with my regime today, so everything is good.
Second: my mental health and the news.
I am sure what I am feeling is not healthy and I will have to have a conversation with my psychiatrist. I am worried about it. It all started with Balenciaga news. The campaign they did with children really hit me and hurted so much. And, I was going deeper and deeper into that connecting the facts, and start feeling extremely bad. I had to say to myself to stop thinking and worriyng about it. I will write here about what I think and feel, and close this subject. Unfortunately, I think this is something I cannot give too much of my energy to, because my psyche is very fragile. What do I think? Children sexual abuse and trafficking exists. That is a fact. But, what we as individuals, and as societes do to protect the children? My opinion is: not enough. And then, there is satanism involved with it, very disturbing, but I will not go there.
Then, and I don't know how, I saw a video from World economic forum. It is official video on their youtube channel form the meeting they had in Davos: 8 predictions for 2030. You will own nothing and you will be happy, is the first thing they said. What that means? Will they take our land, real estate and everything we own from us? That already happend in my country after the WWII. And what really hit me is how they use this green agenda to impose dictature over us. But, they will do it slowly, bit by bit so we get adjusted to it. Who are they? Corporations and extemely rich people. Everything my father was telling me turns out to be true. And I always taught he is paranoid and crazy. When it hit me the first time, was when I learned that my best friend's father is mason. Her husband told me they had to go to this ceremony where all the politicians from my country had to kiss his hands and bend to him. And since we were children he was so mysterious. When our country was transitioning from communism to capitalism and all the national firms where closing, he was literally stealing money and put them to countries where you can do that. My father was a director of one of these firms, and they offered him a ton of money to just say the firm is not solvent, so they can take it. Who are they? Influental people. politicians and bussiness man who destroyed my country. My father didn't took a dime, instead he is still 20 years leater fighting for all the people who worked there and the values of there shares. I was extremly poor when I was growing up. Like many people from my country. And I thought my father was a fool. Because in the end they took the firm. These are all facts. But, this is low level. Big reset is on the high level, and they will steal our freedom. This is not a fact, just my opinion. But, what is important is how this affects my mental health. I am pretty sure I just have to relax and let it all go. I will ask my psychiatrist. But, I feel worried, I feel we are manipulated. And they use what is good in people as a means of manipulation. But I should just let it go. And let be cooked slowly like a frog.
Third is some sci-fi video about babies being produced in an artificial uterus. Beyond scary when you think about the ways how that could be used.
Third thing: my acommodation. I first have to acommodate to the western world which is pretty hard. Then I am surrounded with younger people, ten or more years younger than me. They have pretty different values then my generation. Example. Yesterday when we had to guess who is our Secret Santa, I guessed from the first try. And everybody was like how did you guess?? And I said that first of all the handwriting on the note was men's handwriting. And one girl, but I had problems with her before, started yelling sexism, sexism... Ok. I see a difference in handwriting between men and women. If that makes me sexist then let it be. But, how this influence my mental health? Very much. Because I feel that I cannot say anything, that I will be judged. That I will be bad. So it makes me feel claustrophobic. And I think it is important to feel free and say what you want. I want to understand them, I want to change, but I have to do it in my own pace. Between being liked and appreciated and being who I am with my own authenticity, I will chose the latter. We all want to be accepted and valued, and it hurts to be an odd one, but I have to be who I am. I am just not sure I have the mental strenght to go against the current. I will talk to my psychiatrist about it. Because my mental health is my top one priority, it is more important to me than my beliefs. Cause, I could be having wrong beliefs, that is not a problem. I just want to keep my sanity. I am sure he will help me with that. He once told me I have to live la dolce vita. To do simple stuff, like going with friends to take a drink and talking about easy stuff, to have sex, enjoy. That was before, when I just had depression. I am not sure if that applies now. We will see.
I just want to say two more things. First is, that I am very afraid what will happen to me when he dies, because I feel like he protects me. He is one of the best psychiatrists we have in my country. And he is very old. I have to ask him to recommend me someone. But I feel bad asking that.
Second thing is my friend had a problem with her girlfriend, and that affects me so much. I didn't sleep well, I was worried about thier relationship. We talked this morning about some other stuff, and I had to aks her if everything is ok, and it is. But, I don't want to be so affected with others people's lives and I am. Also something to talk about with my psychiatrist.
That is it.
I will give an update.
The truth is I don't want to talk about some things, but on the other hand I have to say it somewhere, and this seems like a perfect place to do that. There are three topics I want to touch.
First: food. We had the Christmas breakfast and the Secret Santa yesterday at work. I ate quite a lot. But not too much. I am happy about it. I am continuing with my regime today, so everything is good.
Second: my mental health and the news.
I am sure what I am feeling is not healthy and I will have to have a conversation with my psychiatrist. I am worried about it. It all started with Balenciaga news. The campaign they did with children really hit me and hurted so much. And, I was going deeper and deeper into that connecting the facts, and start feeling extremely bad. I had to say to myself to stop thinking and worriyng about it. I will write here about what I think and feel, and close this subject. Unfortunately, I think this is something I cannot give too much of my energy to, because my psyche is very fragile. What do I think? Children sexual abuse and trafficking exists. That is a fact. But, what we as individuals, and as societes do to protect the children? My opinion is: not enough. And then, there is satanism involved with it, very disturbing, but I will not go there.
Then, and I don't know how, I saw a video from World economic forum. It is official video on their youtube channel form the meeting they had in Davos: 8 predictions for 2030. You will own nothing and you will be happy, is the first thing they said. What that means? Will they take our land, real estate and everything we own from us? That already happend in my country after the WWII. And what really hit me is how they use this green agenda to impose dictature over us. But, they will do it slowly, bit by bit so we get adjusted to it. Who are they? Corporations and extemely rich people. Everything my father was telling me turns out to be true. And I always taught he is paranoid and crazy. When it hit me the first time, was when I learned that my best friend's father is mason. Her husband told me they had to go to this ceremony where all the politicians from my country had to kiss his hands and bend to him. And since we were children he was so mysterious. When our country was transitioning from communism to capitalism and all the national firms where closing, he was literally stealing money and put them to countries where you can do that. My father was a director of one of these firms, and they offered him a ton of money to just say the firm is not solvent, so they can take it. Who are they? Influental people. politicians and bussiness man who destroyed my country. My father didn't took a dime, instead he is still 20 years leater fighting for all the people who worked there and the values of there shares. I was extremly poor when I was growing up. Like many people from my country. And I thought my father was a fool. Because in the end they took the firm. These are all facts. But, this is low level. Big reset is on the high level, and they will steal our freedom. This is not a fact, just my opinion. But, what is important is how this affects my mental health. I am pretty sure I just have to relax and let it all go. I will ask my psychiatrist. But, I feel worried, I feel we are manipulated. And they use what is good in people as a means of manipulation. But I should just let it go. And let be cooked slowly like a frog.
Third is some sci-fi video about babies being produced in an artificial uterus. Beyond scary when you think about the ways how that could be used.
Third thing: my acommodation. I first have to acommodate to the western world which is pretty hard. Then I am surrounded with younger people, ten or more years younger than me. They have pretty different values then my generation. Example. Yesterday when we had to guess who is our Secret Santa, I guessed from the first try. And everybody was like how did you guess?? And I said that first of all the handwriting on the note was men's handwriting. And one girl, but I had problems with her before, started yelling sexism, sexism... Ok. I see a difference in handwriting between men and women. If that makes me sexist then let it be. But, how this influence my mental health? Very much. Because I feel that I cannot say anything, that I will be judged. That I will be bad. So it makes me feel claustrophobic. And I think it is important to feel free and say what you want. I want to understand them, I want to change, but I have to do it in my own pace. Between being liked and appreciated and being who I am with my own authenticity, I will chose the latter. We all want to be accepted and valued, and it hurts to be an odd one, but I have to be who I am. I am just not sure I have the mental strenght to go against the current. I will talk to my psychiatrist about it. Because my mental health is my top one priority, it is more important to me than my beliefs. Cause, I could be having wrong beliefs, that is not a problem. I just want to keep my sanity. I am sure he will help me with that. He once told me I have to live la dolce vita. To do simple stuff, like going with friends to take a drink and talking about easy stuff, to have sex, enjoy. That was before, when I just had depression. I am not sure if that applies now. We will see.
I just want to say two more things. First is, that I am very afraid what will happen to me when he dies, because I feel like he protects me. He is one of the best psychiatrists we have in my country. And he is very old. I have to ask him to recommend me someone. But I feel bad asking that.
Second thing is my friend had a problem with her girlfriend, and that affects me so much. I didn't sleep well, I was worried about thier relationship. We talked this morning about some other stuff, and I had to aks her if everything is ok, and it is. But, I don't want to be so affected with others people's lives and I am. Also something to talk about with my psychiatrist.
That is it.
with Llama here. I got caught up in a bit of a downward spiral during covid lockdowns & had to be careful to avoid the online rabbit hole of misinformation & catastrophising. I have one news source that I trust totally & I also subscribe to a good news one.