Alligatorob's Diary

[Llama]

However I'd bet my binges can beat your "overdoing the sugar". LOL, not sure that's a contest we want to get into.

Definitely not, but if we DID I'd probably have a better chance than Liza...

Yep, my brain has lots of rationales for bingeing. Everything from it will somehow do me good to "oh, what the hell". Maybe one day I will try and list them all...

Might be a good distraction next time the binge demons attack. Or you could find some art supplies and make an image of the specific demon that's haunting you that day. There was a commercial for some kind of snack with a guy who'd kill his binge beasts by eating said Great Snack (TM): he had a whole trophy gallery. Could it have been a pre-Joan Collins Snickers commercial?

Thanks, you are a kind lady

Just selfish: you're fun and supportive!

 

[alligatorob]

I made it though today eating well, and no binge. It wasn't easy or fun, but I made it. On to tomorrow...

Definitely not, but if we DID I'd probably have a better chance than Liza...

LOL, a binge off! That brings up some frightening images. Do you know Mr. Creosote from the Meaning of Life?

Might be a good distraction next time the binge demons attack. Or you could find some art supplies and make an image of the specific demon that's haunting you that day.

Maybe, but I'm not sure. It would be interesting. Don't recall that commercial, maybe just as well.

Just selfish

Llama, I know you do this for yourself as well as others, but you are not selfish! Far from it.

 

[Llama]

I made it though today eating well, and no binge. It wasn't easy or fun, but I made it.

That's the main thing for now. Mentally it may not get easier but the physical substrate will miss the binges less after a few days.

That brings up some frightening images. Do you know Mr. Creosote from the Meaning of Life?

I didn't know he had a name but I've felt close to him plenty of times...

Llama, I know you do this for yourself as well as others, but you are not selfish! Far from it.

Ok, I'll believe I'm not selfish if you accept this forum is better for your presence. Deal?

 

[liza3]

Definitely not, but if we DID I'd probably have a better chance than Liza...

However I'd bet my binges can beat your "overdoing the sugar". LOL, not sure that's a contest we want to get into.

LOL this all made me laugh discussing who will 'win' the binge competition...yes let's not go there!

Seriously though, I do really sympathize with the binging though because although I don't really go too overboard with junk, I do have a lot of other unhealthy behaviours that I easily fall into, and I do know what a struggle it is to go through all that. It is a daily return to consciously try and do the healthy things...and it is really hard sometimes...and yeah I really get the feeling of discouragement when I fall back into unhealthy patterns...but yeah, one day at a time...it's all we got!

I made it though today eating well, and no binge. It wasn't easy or fun, but I made it. On to tomorrow...

Good job Rob!

 

[alligatorob]

So far so good today, had my yogurt and high protein cereal for breakfast, about 300 calories. It's now getting close to noon, will have some lunch after posting this. My plan is some leftover turkey and salad. No gym today, but I did just do about 45 min of my PT exercises.

Walking is a bit of a struggle right now. I am trying very hard to "relearn" walking. My bad knees would not straighten out so for many years I walked a bit bent over. Not terrible, but not upright. My new knees are more able to straighten, and so I am trying to force myself to walk upright and always looking forward. Its not so easy, my back doesn't like it and it seems to be harder on my legs. When I first got out of rehab I started walking, but with a walker or cane. That was bent over. I can't really walk much further now, but it is upright and without support. Like all of this I guess it just takes time...

I didn't know he had a name but I've felt close to him plenty of times...

Yeah, maybe a name best not known. Whoever wrote or directed that scene sure understood the big binge problem... I liked the movie, but that scene is the one I hated, but remember more clearly than any other...

Ok, I'll believe I'm not selfish if you accept this forum is better for your presence. Deal?

I don't know, you drive a hard bargain lady!

LOL this all made me laugh discussing who will 'win' the binge competition...yes let's not go there!

probably best not done. No calls to the Guinness Book folks either.

Seriously though, I do really sympathize with the binging though because although I don't really go too overboard with junk, I do have a lot of other unhealthy behaviours that I easily fall into, and I do know what a struggle it is to go through all that. It is a daily return to consciously try and do the healthy things...and it is really hard sometimes...and yeah I really get the feeling of discouragement when I fall back into unhealthy patterns...but yeah, one day at a time...it's all we got!

Thanks Liza, and I have always believed we are all fighting the same demon, but he (or she) has many faces.

 

[Llama]

My new knees are more able to straighten, and so I am trying to force myself to walk upright and always looking forward. Its not so easy, my back doesn't like it and it seems to be harder on my legs.

Sounds like you're not extending your hips fully while walking, which is a pretty common problem after people have walked a bit bent for a long time. If your hips don't straighten properly your lower back will be inclined to hyperextend instead. That could explain the soreness. Maybe ask your PT if they can have a look at your posture next time?

 

[Emilyrose]

I definitely feel like trying to eat proper, filling meals will help with the bingeing to a certain degree, Rob. Meat, protein, anything that satisfies you. I deal with it by just not buying anything over 100g if I can help it, because I know I will eat all of it.

 

[Cate]

For me, eating "proper" well-balanced meals takes away any cravings I might have, but also getting a good night's sleep & some exercise. When you binge, Rob do you think you are "eating your feelings" and/or numbing them?

 

[alligatorob]

Made it without bingeing or overeating. Not quite so hard as yesterday.

Sounds like you're not extending your hips fully while walking, which is a pretty common problem after people have walked a bit bent for a long time. If your hips don't straighten properly your lower back will be inclined to hyperextend instead. That could explain the soreness. Maybe ask your PT if they can have a look at your posture next time?

Thanks Llama, good advice, and I will ask the PT about it in my next appointment.

I definitely feel like trying to eat proper, filling meals will help with the bingeing to a certain degree, Rob. Meat, protein, anything that satisfies you. I deal with it by just not buying anything over 100g if I can help it, because I know I will eat all of it.

Thanks Emily, your advice is always appreciated. However I think we differ on this, the more I eat the more I want to binge, good food or bad. The easiest non-binge diet for me is near starvation...

When you binge, Rob do you think you are "eating your feelings" and/or numbing them?

Good question Cate, and I wish I knew. So far as I can tell I am as likely to binge when I am feeling good as down. Have a hard time seeing a connection. Once I start to binge however my feelings and senses do get numbed. That keeps the binge going well past the point of satiation. I am usually a pretty rational person, but when it comes to bingeing some primordial urges just take over, so far as I know that doesn't happen to me in other aspects of life...

 

[Llama]

Once I start to binge however my feelings and senses do get numbed. That keeps the binge going well past the point of satiation. I am usually a pretty rational person, but when it comes to bingeing some primordial urges just take over, so far as I know that doesn't happen to me in other aspects of life...

I find it interesting that you used to drink alcohol regularly and that didn't turn into binge drinking. Also: I know you've said you can even binge on lettuce: do you get the same numbing effect there?
At this point I'd assume (with no relevant medical background) that something just isn't wired right in you brain where food and satiation are concerned - whether genetically or through decades of habitual overeating doesn't really matter anymore.
Please do keep a close eye on getting your nutrients in (both macro and micro, kind of like people have to do for a lifetime after gastric bypass surgery) despite your low calorie intake. Other than that maybe ignore all conventional anti-binge wisdom.
And please keep sharing your experiences with all this. Not only do I think it helps with motivation; I'm sure there are other people out there with the same or similar issues and your by now years-long account could be very helpful.

 

[Cate]

And please keep sharing your experiences with all this. Not only do I think it helps with motivation; I'm sure there are other people out there with the same or similar issues and your by now years-long account could be very helpful.

with Llama. I think it's important for us to share our experiences as they may help others as well as ourselves.

 

[alligatorob]

So far so good today, had a good breakfast and lunch, and no binge. Have to be diligent though.

I find it interesting that you used to drink alcohol regularly and that didn't turn into binge drinking. Also: I know you've said you can even binge on lettuce: do you get the same numbing effect there?

You remember right. I still do drink alcohol, but only rarely and I never miss or crave it. Went from a liter of whisky a week to one or two a year. And I have binged on most anything that is chewable... lettuce, green beans, frozen cauliflower, even ice on occasion. And its not as numbing or attractive as chocolate or donuts or... you know. However the binges are much the same, just not my first choice.

At this point I'd assume (with no relevant medical background) that something just isn't wired right in you brain where food and satiation are concerned - whether genetically or through decades of habitual overeating doesn't really matter anymore.

Right or wrong, its not wired the same way as people who don't binge. As you say it probably doesn't matter to much for me at this point. I just have to figure out how to live with it...

And please keep sharing your experiences with all this. Not only do I think it helps with motivation; I'm sure there are other people out there with the same or similar issues and your by now years-long account could be very helpful.

Maybe, I have always believed that most of us here face the same demon, just with a different face... Not sure how helpful my experience or observations are, but I know there is some comfort in knowing we are not alone.

with Llama. I think it's important for us to share our experiences as they may help others as well as ourselves.

Thanks Cate, and I know it does help me. And I'd like to think others get something from it.

 

[Cate]

Hi, Rob. Hope you continue to have a good day Do you have any trips planned in your camper in the new year?

 

[alligatorob]

Today was a good day, I ate well exercised and feel pretty good tonight.

Do you have any trips planned in your camper in the new year?

No firm plans but yes we will be doing some trips. Kind of waiting to see how the knees do before committing to much.

 

[liza3]

Maybe, I have always believed that most of us here face the same demon, just with a different face... Not sure how helpful my experience or observations are, but I know there is some comfort in knowing we are not alone.

I agree...it is just good to connect with people, to be able to say "hey i'm struggling a bit here (or a lot)" and to feel that others care and are there for you and that we can all relate.
Glad to hear your day went well today Rob

 

[Llama]

Yay for a good day! I'm sure your legs will feel good enough to enjoy camper trips by the time spring arrives.

 

[alligatorob]

So far so good, protein cereal and yogurt for breakfast and just had a fish sandwich for lunch. The fish was some of what I caught a couple of months ago. Spent over 3 hours in the gym, and all went pretty well. However I did a cycling class and tried hard to stand and sped up my pace when I could. May have been too much, my legs are letting me know... Will take it easier the next time.

...it is just good to connect with people, to be able to say "hey i'm struggling a bit here (or a lot)" and to feel that others care and are there for you and that we can all relate.

I agree, for sure. And I think the talking about binges and bad eating is as important as talking about the good. Talking about it may not be a cure, but for me I think it helps manage things.

I'm sure your legs will feel good enough to enjoy camper trips by the time spring arrives.

I'm holding you to that, LOL. Actually I am pretty confident that they will. Much as I complain I know I am making progress.

For example the standing up on the bike in cycling class is something I could not do without serious pain before surgery. The last time I tried I could barely walk afterwards. Today I did a lot more standing than I had ever done before, and the pain is less than before. It helps me to notice small progress like that. Still have a lot of progress to make, but slowly its getting there. @Llama as my unofficial consulting PT you have been a big help!

 

[Llama]

And I think the talking about binges and bad eating is as important as talking about the good. Talking about it may not be a cure, but for me I think it helps manage things.

That's often the best we can wish for with chronic conditions. Slowly building an arsenal of things that at least help a bit and just accepting the times nothing really works.

Still have a lot of progress to make, but slowly its getting there. @Llama as my unofficial consulting PT you have been a big help!

Very glad to hear that.

 

[Emilyrose]

I bought an advent beauty box calendar recently Rob - I got it for a really good price, and it contained all these gorgeous products in a lovely box set labeled 1 to 25. You are meant to open one every day, starting December 1st.

I decided to start advent early so opened box number 1 a few weeks ago. Box number 2 was opened the next day. And then it came to box number 3...

I opened box number 3, and then I just kept going. I got to box number 10 - Okay, this will be the last box today, don't ruin the whole thing for yourself - and suddenly I was on box 20 and there was 'no point' in stopping.

I basically ruined the whole experience for myself. It wasn't a food binge, but it was the same self-destructive behaviour, the same feeling of being out of control, and also maybe a sense of futility about even trying to enjoy things the way they are meant to be enjoyed? That that enjoyment is only for other people, and not for me?

Anyway, just thought I'd share that story with you. x

 

[Cate]

It's good to read that you do feel that you are progressing, Rob