Llama

Weak as a kitten today but no DOMS yet. Just slightly stiff calves.
 
Sounds like a lovely hike, and glad you're not too sore and your shoes worked well. It's really nice you can take public transportation right out to beautiful places in nature!
 
Thanks Floater, Cate, and Marsia :)

It really was lovely, although I probably needn't have pushed quite so hard and could've taken a little more time.

Hunger/cravings/food thoughts were all over the place today. I really wanted to have another high-calorie day today but I couldn't figure out if it was because of fatigue, because I actually still underate yesterday, or just because I ate a lot yesterday and my body got greedy and wanted to repeat that. And then I just wanted to binge to resolve the tension. I did have the 40 g of chocolate a patient brought me and two scoops of icecream but otherwise I ate quite normally, ending up around 2440 kcal. Very happy with that.
 
Felt like a blimp this morning but weighed myself anyway and I'm another 0.2 kg down. Which is exactly the speed I said I wanted to go at. (Not the speed I'd actually like to go at, of course, but that's because what I'd really like to do is starve myself and lose these 10 kg in a month or two and I know by now that's not how it works for me.) If I down more than 0.3 by Saturday (my other weigh day) I'll make a rule of no days below 2000 kcal but for now I think I'm good. And not tempted to go under 2000 anyway.

Edit: calves are more stiff and a little sore but thighs and butt are fine.
 
Well... maybe my body knows what it's doing anyway. Not hungry today. Went for a morning walk and did some chores. Prepped lunch and dinner. Will be off to work in half an hour. Added a handful of cashews for calories, which gets me up to almost 1900. Should I have waited until later to see how I feel? Maybe. But then I might get too hungry and binge instead. I don't really know so I'm just doing the best I can while I'm at home and have options.
 
Llama said:
Added a handful of cashews for calories, which gets me up to almost 1900. Should I have waited until later to see how I feel? Maybe. But then I might get too hungry and binge instead. I don't really know so I'm just doing the best I can while I'm at home and have options.
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If you ask me, having those cashews was probably the right call. At least based on my personal experience! You are doing super well!
 
Thanks Tru and Floater. It's way too early for me to feel like I'm winning this game but I did have a couple of small victories this week that felt huge to me.
 
Thanks guys. Eating more this morning seems to have been the right call. Now on my way home and a little hungry but not so much I'll raid the grocery store along the way.
 
Also: I badgered Planner some more and she agreed to give me an extra day off while my friend is visiting if I could find someone to work my late shift instead of their early one that day. So I called in a favor and I get to spend an extra day with them :hurray:
 
Shift is going nice and quick: only 5 patients to go and so far they've all been nice.
Neighbor gave me some nectarines and I had one in my breakfast. Pleased to say I haven't Had any allergy symptoms even though I forgot my AH this morning. It's a lovely cool, rainy day anyway. I also picked and ate three small wild cherries on Monday without repercussions so my allergies seem to be doing pretty well. If it wasn't for my itchy eyes I'd think pollen season was over.
 
:hurray: :hurray: :hurray:Neph2 just got confirmation of his graduation! Not that there was any doubt he'd pass his exams but it's still nice to get the official message.

Split my breakfast in two parts today because mush is too quick to eat and then I feel like I haven't had anything. Second half ended up being relatively late so I'm not too hungry now, while on my way home. Think I'll get sushi anyway, just because I can. Dinner will be a large salad with pan-fried tofu. Found some pre-marinated for grilling and the marinade is actually intense enough to mostly drown out the tofu-i-ness.
 
My computer has been uncooperative all afternoon and unsurprisingly it made me want to binge. Instead I came on here and brainstormed alternative comfort. None of which I ended up using, although I did switch my dinner salad out for cheese and crackers. And grapes. Ending the day just under 2200 kcal. And now I'm going for a walk because while I no longer want to binge I am still frustrated and I need something to calm the churning in my stomach.
 
Yay LaMa for self soothing and problem solving!!! Do you know the little steps that happen from frustration (like with your computer) to binging? Is it more a "taking your frustrations out on yourself" thing or more a trying to soothe yourself with food? I ask because I am trying to see what my snacking behavior is trying to accomplish, and I'm working on healthier ways of getting what I am trying to do.
 
It's more than it brings up feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness and those hurt so I try to drown them out with a sugar high. Sadly I haven't solved the problem yet...
 
Oh, perfectionism - I have that in spades, too. I try to remember that I'm not going to be good at everything and that's good because then I really appreciate other people's talents. I really feel bad after I do something "wrong" or incorrectly for a long time, so am trying to remember how even brilliant scientists often say that their discoveries are born of the thousand failures along the way. I am slowly starting to feel ok that I will mess things up sometimes or not be very good at whole categories of things without a lot of work. I wonder if this is partially because we were graded for our work all through school, when real creative learning is often about exploring and making mistakes?

Anyway, hugs, and glad you are finding alternatives to that whole shame spiral thing - ugh!
 
Marsia said:
Oh, perfectionism - I have that in spades, too
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Not perfectionism, really. And we didn't compare grades or get scolded by our parents for bad grades. Even without grades kids know exactly who's good at what and who struggles. Grades aren't good or bad in themselves, just like the number on the scale doesn't determine your worth. It's all about how the grown-ups around you value the numbers. If you see them as tools to determine what areas someone needs help with they're quite useful.
But that's the thing: I tend to tie my sense of self worth to how much I can do. (Which is a guarantee for unhappiness if you ever get sick or frail AND a terrible thing to do to other people.) My parents definitely told us to rest enough and ask for help any time but they themselves didn't do either unless they were physically unable to stand so that's not the message my subconscious mind received. I think I'm getting better at it with practice and awareness but it's definitely still something I need to work on.
 
Ok, that makes sense. More a Puritanical work ethic thing. I get like that when super stressed and feel guilty for not getting enough done, so I think I get it. I'm glad you are aware of the dynamic so you can relax and enjoy life a lot, too!

With old frail people, I think that's just part of being in a family - at both ends of life people tend to need assistance, and it brings family closer together all taking care of each other. I hope you don't feel bad if you ever do get old and frail.
 
I hope I won't be frail too long because I have no relatives close to take care of me.
it's something I see in my patients sometimes though, especially men who have never really been ill (other than man flu) in their lives and have - subconsciously or not - looked down on people who needed help. They also tend to be people who were unaware of how much their partners did in the background to make their "efficiency" possible so I admit I have a hard time feeling TOO bad for them, even though it's clear it's tough on them.
 
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