Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Thanks Cate. I slept great until about half 4, then I didn't really sleep much after that. I felt the sleep I did get was very good though.
- Thank you Amy.
- Ah Rob, I don't know. I'll see when the time comes. Might take a while!
- Haha, don't worry LaMa, I know that. I just don't have an alternative right now and some affection would be nice after the shitstorm of the last couple of weeks. I'm still furious.
- Thanks Petal, although the fact that the coronavirus has made its way to Tenerife today doesn't fill me with confidence that it will actually happen.

:rant:
So, as mentioned to LaMa, I am fucking furious today. I'm not over last week at all. And the worst thing is that this situation has opened up old wounds with Work Colleague in my mind. Why do I have to go in there every day to be treated like shit by these jerks? Why I am even sticking around? They really don't deserve me and I really don't deserve them.

Just the idea of applying for other jobs now makes all the energy just drain out of my body. And I'll also be letting that stupid bitch win, because she's wanted me out of the office since I started. But I just think there's nowhere for me to go really in this company. If I join management level, I'll have to interact with that smug piece of shit all the time, and the idea just fills me with fury. I don't want to have to interact with her ever again if I can help it.

She sent around a stupid newsletter thing that we all have to do, and she said the managing director complimented her on the way she had done one part of it, and our pieces were too long, so could we go back and edit them. If you're putting the thing together, just edit it yourself you lazy bitch! So frustrating. I just hate it there at the moment. Fucking hate it. Work Colleague is always sucking up to her as well, and I'm just sitting there thinking, 'Are you serious? Do you not realise the way she treats me and the way she has spoken to me this week, and you're still offering her help and assistance and giving me the cold shoulder?' Furious.

The worst thing is that I am so, so hurt over Work Colleague and if he was all smiles to me again, I'd be right back where I was. It's not really good for my mental health, to be honest.

Sorry, this has been an angry post and I have not come across very nice or kind, but I just need to rant today. I have never been so disrespected in my life in a workplace, and I am just finding it hard to come to terms with it all. And the sad part is that I have done so much work in there, I really have, and I just feel I've got so much aggro for it. So I'm feeling sorry for myself.
 
Oh, Em. Is she worth your life being so miserable? In the long run, if you got a job that you liked somewhere else & you were happy in it, would it matter whether she thought she had won? I don't think so. It's just my opinion. We put so much of our time and effort into our work, & I think it should be rewarding & enjoyable.
 
Sounds like too many people live in your head rent-free. I agree with Cate: as long as you're winning it doesn't matter other people win a bit as well.
 
Emily I know I have said this before and you don't agree with me but work is work . You might not really believe it but you are only a number . Yes I have some close friends in work and I like to think that if I had to leave tomorrow we would still be friends but they can be counted on one hand. Less ! If you dropped dead tomorrow you might be lucky enough that they close the office for the funeral but that's it they move on. I'm talking from experience here.
Your office sounds like a Toxic hell hole. But it can be better . You have often mentioned great work days where you go in and give it your all , productive days where you are happy with what you achieve , lunchtime walks with a colleague friend. Focus on the good in work , keep the head down and just do your best.
And in the meantime keep your eye out for another job. You are only young the world is your oyster , don't get stuck in a rut there. Sign up to Irish jobs.ie and keep an open mind.
Regarding WC I think you mentioned he is in a relationship , well just treat him like a WC and don't let him under your skin.
 
Hey Emily, I remember years ago I started work at a place and a couple of my coworkers really took a dislike to me. They were both women, and it was in an era that professional men were probably treated better than professional women, so looking back I think they were probably a bit threatened, not entirely without cause. I was miserable for a while, but then decided to try and kill them with kindness. I took every opportunity I could find to praise and thank them, in a way that as many people could hear me as possible. I don't think they ever came to like me much, but it did make them tone down enough for me to be happier. And I kind of enjoyed the challenge. Years later I ran into another of my coworkers and he remembered what had happened. He was very complementary of my approach, he brought it up and it was clear he knew exactly what I was doing. I never saw the two women again.

Since I have tried the same tactic, and sometimes actually made an ally of an enemy, that's rare, but it has never made things worse. Anyway just a thought, if nothing else trying can take you mind off of the problems. It might give you a bit of a sense of being in control of things. As I always say you are welcome to take my advice with as many grains of salt as you like, or just ignore it.

Hey I am going to expect that picture one day, waterfall or not!
 
- I understand what you're saying, thanks Cate.
- Yeah, probably not LaMa.
- Thanks Petal, all good advice.
- I love the advice Rob, thanks for sharing that story. It makes a lot of sense. You probably are a bit more even-tempered than me, but I'm working on it! ;)

So, just to update you on the all-consuming rage. I really allowed myself to feel that anger yesterday. I gave out shit here. Then I didn't feel much better, so I put on some 'angry' songs and danced around my room and really tried to expel all that anger from my body. I punched and kicked and silently screamed. I felt good afterwards. Then I did a yoga video to release anger, and that was also really beneficial. And this morning I woke up and I really felt like I'd made peace with the whole thing.

I think I read somewhere that it's really good to acknowledge the anger and not try to keep batting it down. Yesterday was my day for that and the difference in how I am feeling today is huge.

And then I went into work and had a really pleasant day. The girl I had the fight with actually made the effort to chitchat with me, which was a huge thing for her I think, so that was good. And I realised that WC and I have definitely moved forward from the last couple of months, and I told him all about the meditation workshop I went to the other week, and I think he related to the idea of building yourself up so you don't fall apart when things go wrong on the outside. We both get our buttons pushed way too easily, and it's something I think we both need to work on. So when things go wrong between us, it's a kamikaze of emotion. Maybe we've been put into this small room together because we need to learn something from each other. We both seem to be on a journey of some sort - that's probably the reason we connect and why I like him so much. But I have let go of the idea of being with him at this point.

Right, that was work. I went home afterwards and had tuna steak for dinner, which was lovely. I spent some time with Mum and Dad, made a phone call to thank my cousin for a really thoughtful gift him and his wife sent me, then came back here. I'm going to bed soon, feeling very tired now. Anger is quite exhausting.

I'm ready for some peaceful and happy times ahead. This ship is moving into calmer waters. Thanks for all for support guys, it really helps. xxx
 
That all sounds so much better, Em. Peaceful & happy times ahead. I like it. Imagine sailing on a yacht in the Mediterranean when things get tough.
So glad you had a better workday, Em :grouphug:
 
So, so glad you're in calmer waters, and that work was better yesterday. Hugs, and sending you all the good vibes for peaceful and happy times to come.
 
Emilyrose said:
This ship is moving into calmer waters
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Good for you, and I think you like those maritime analogies, not your first one as I recall.
Emilyrose said:
You probably are a bit more even-tempered than me, but I'm working on it!
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Oh, I have had my moments, and I've also worked on it, sometimes successfully sometimes not. I am sure you are a delight to be around, that is certainly the personality you show here.
 
I like Robs idea too and I am guilty of being overly nice to people who irritate me too !
Glad your day is better and enjoy rest of the week
 
Cate said:
Imagine sailing on a yacht in the Mediterranean when things get tough.
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- I will from now on, haha.
- Thanks so much Amy.
- Aw Rob, that's so nice. Maybe not all the time, haha.
- Thanks LaMa.
- Thanks Petal.

It's 10pm and I'm feeling really sleepy. I went for a run after work, something I haven't done in months, probably because it's been winter time and it's been dark. So to get out for 20 minutes or so felt fantastic. The weather has been a lot better here today and yesterday, and the effect it's had on my mood and energy levels is astounding. I felt so fresh and alive at my desk today. Everything just seemed so much easier.

I started a new running routine on Tuesday, really enjoying it so far. Even if I stick with that and nothing else, I will definitely feel the benefits. My legs feel stronger already.

I bought a new book this evening called The Guest List by Lucy Foley. I read her first one and it was such a great page-turner. I might start this one tonight but I'm a bit worried it will keep me up too late! I love having a good book to read.

Heading to see a play tomorrow night with some of the drama gang and might be meeting more friends over the rest of the weekend, so looking forward to it. Not much more to report so I will bid you all adieu.
 
Good for you, going for a run after work. I'm so glad your work seemed easier too. The weekend sounds promising, Em :) Hope you sleep well xo
 
Things are sounding so positive - I'm glad the weather, and the season turning a bit round into spring, allowed you to get that run - and the new boost on energy and alive-ness as well, let alone a play with the drama gang, and more! Great!

(You're tougher than I am, reading a thriller at night! Hope you didn't stay up too late! :D )
 
Sounds like a good day Em . I’m always on the lookout for a new author so will look her up . Have a good weekend . You deserve it x
 
- Thanks Cate.
- I didn't stay up too late Amy, haha! I'm very disciplined now when I have work the next day.
- Aw, thanks Rob.
- Defo LaMa.
- Aw, thanks Petal.

Today I spent all day in bed because I was so sick from last night. I didn't eat before I went out for drinks and I was drinking quite fast and we ended up staying out till half 2, so today, I have really been punished for this debauchery. I was vomiting and everything. I haven't really been able to get up. I am finally coming around now but it's been a very sad, crappy day, and I'm annoyed with myself.

When I was in the throes of misery earlier, I made a promise to God that if he just took the pain away, I would give up smoking. He didn't really answer straight away but the pain is gone now and I know I'll be back to normal tomorrow. So I guess this is the end of the road for me and the cigarettes. It's my birthday on Thursday anyway, so this can be my birthday gift to myself. I think I can do it.

I had a nice surprise this evening, after I'd made that decision actually. I got a message from this guy that had contacted me way back in September asking if I'd like to meet up with him for a date. We were meant to meet then, but he just sort of disappeared, and I met SG soon after. Anyway, he explained this evening that he was meant to transfer here from a job in London, but it had kind of fallen through, but now he is based here and he asked if I'd still like to meet him. So I said yes! We're going for a coffee in a local bar on Wednesday night, which is kind of cool. He looks cute in his picture and he seems smart and quite interesting, so you never know.

I'm also going to meet SG for some birthday sex this week, so I really feel like I'm winning right now. Ha. :)
 
:D If all that is the reward for just PLANNING to give up cigarettes who knows what actually following through will bring!
 
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