Rob's Diary

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I rested today. No exercise. My legs, particularly the back of my knees, are still sore.

I swung back the other way on food. I ate 4601 calories and my Fitbit says I've burned 2456. I'm going to try to keep taking it easy until I level out on calories. Once I start bobbing up and down on waves, it's hard to stop. Need to find calmer waters.

I had a really good weigh in this morning which was 197.0 pounds.
 
Having a "rest day" & still losing, means you may just be finding some sort of equilibrium. Looking for calmer waters sounds like a good plan, Rob. Balance is one of the hardest things to find in life, I think.
 
Had a good day. Got my labs done finally. I'm hopeful my numbers will be significantly better than they have been in the past..oh I don't know, decade I suppose. Specifically my cholesterol and sugars.

I went running today. I couldn't stay away and it felt fantastic. The past three days of rest helped a lot and getting back on the treadmill, I noticed some things. I was able to pick right back up but did not feel as worn down as I have many times on the treadmill. I realized and felt just slightly that it's OK and probably better to back off more. This was good. I have to feel it like that. I can't just do it because I know it would be better for me. I wish I could but I have to know it through experience. With all change comes slow realization and I will often do it in small increments and iterations until I build up a comfort level. I ran 8 miles and walked 2.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Calories in today were 1797. Calories out were 4387. Total steps today 29k. I realize this is another swing counter to yesterday's so I'm going to try to do my best to anticipate that and control it. I will get it. All I have to do is not give up. I've learned at least that much through this process.
 
Hey Rob, I have been reading your diary to see what I can learn from you.

One thing that really strikes me is that you are still bingeing yet losing weight. You seem to attribute a lot of that to your exercising, using more calories to counter act the binges. I suspect you are also bingeing less often and eating less when you do, but that's not clear. So my question on this is what is your thinking long term, to accept that you are going to continue bingeing at some level and just keep managing it? I have been thinking I need to really fight not to binge at all, and while I have been successful with that approach for the last few months, I still have the cravings. And I know nothing is forever. Do you think stopping binges completely is realistic? Given what I gather of your history I suspect your bingeing history has some similarities to mine.

And speaking of your history, other than what you said when you first started your diary its a little thin. If it is ok I have a few questions:
  • I see you lost more weight before you started posting here, how did you do that?
  • I see you have a history of dieting, weight loss and then weight gain. What is different this time that will help you not regain the weight?
  • How long have you been overweight, and why do you think you have the problem?
I hope this isn't too intrusive, but you are one of the people here I look to as a role model. Knowing more about you and your story should help me.
 
alligatorob said:
Hey Rob, I have been reading your diary to see what I can learn from you.

One thing that really strikes me is that you are still bingeing yet losing weight. You seem to attribute a lot of that to your exercising, using more calories to counter act the binges. I suspect you are also bingeing less often and eating less when you do, but that's not clear. So my question on this is what is your thinking long term, to accept that you are going to continue bingeing at some level and just keep managing it? I have been thinking I need to really fight not to binge at all, and while I have been successful with that approach for the last few months, I still have the cravings. And I know nothing is forever. Do you think stopping binges completely is realistic? Given what I gather of your history I suspect your bingeing history has some similarities to mine.

And speaking of your history, other than what you said when you first started your diary its a little thin. If it is ok I have a few questions:
  • I see you lost more weight before you started posting here, how did you do that?
  • I see you have a history of dieting, weight loss and then weight gain. What is different this time that will help you not regain the weight?
  • How long have you been overweight, and why do you think you have the problem?
I hope this isn't too intrusive, but you are one of the people here I look to as a role model. Knowing more about you and your story should help me.
Click to expand...

Hi Rob,

I don’t think I can stop completely right now. I am trying to minimize and manage. The exercise also helps with recovery. Long-term I think it will be about creating a fuller life – healthy personal relationships, exercise rest/recovery balance, meditation, develop more hobbies and interests, group activities like hiking or fairs/parks.

I hope the binging will ease up a little when I get to my GW. I’m a little frantic about just making it there and it makes things worse. Beyond that, it just takes a ridiculous amount of time to change the behavior (years probably) but I keep faith that it will and it will die out one day. I try not to give myself a hard time when it happens.

I was on medication that caused the behavior and a slower metabolism. I stopped all medication last year. That more than anything has enabled me to lose more. I had to do the work to actually lose what I put on though. I walked 2-3 hours almost every day for about a year and a half. That really helped. I did try to go faster by restricting my diet. I lost about 35 pounds over a couple months by eating about 1200 calories a day. I didn’t have much energy for anything else.

As far as what’s different, it’s the medication, no alcohol, no caffeine, much healthier food, developed awareness about my eating behaviors, low stress job.

I’ve been overweight about a total of 10 years. Gained a lot mostly in my 30s. I’m 40 now. I was skinny and athletic into my early 20s.

The cravings have never gone away. I fought them most when I was low in calories. Ultimately, exercise has helped me manage them the best. It’s gotten harder toward the end here. I still have cravings but I have them for different reasons. It’s weird. My mind and body are sneaky and will try anything to get me to eat more. At some points, the only thing that keeps me in check is just that number on the scale and the memory of what I’ve done so far to get here.
 
I didn't feel well today and I'm not sure why. It may have been my weight which was up more than 2 pounds this morning. Probably because of the exercise after a period of little to no exercise.

I ended up overeating by a lot. I won't even post my calories. I rested all day. Steps were about 4k.

I think I need to reset again to push through the end and this time with an attempt to abstain from binging and improve my sleep as primary objectives. I don’t know how much progress I’ll make with sleep but I can try to really focus on it. Meditation will be important. I subscribed to Headspace. Not sure if I noted that but I think it’ll help me build a base daily practice. I’ll do a dry run this week and plan to fully commit Sunday, September 1. Hopefully, it won’t take long to push through the finish line.

I'd like to revise my goal weight to below 186 (BMI 24.9). That’ll be a maximum for me during maintenance. Range will be 166-186 (BMI 22.2-24.9) with a target of about 175 (BMI 23.4). I have about 24 pounds to go to get to 175. I can see where I want to lose in the mirror and it looks like it’s a lot still. It's all in my stomach area and love handles. Once I get to 186 though, I can start buying clothes that actually fit me and work on things I’ll be doing in maintenance.
 
Thanks for getting back to me Rob, I can see you really are all about the exercise. And eliminating alcohol has to have helped. I have cut back, but not eliminated.

I appreciate the info, and hope I was not too intrusive, but for me knowing what others have done that worked helps. Good luck getting to the 186, I am sure you will do it!
 
So I felt like shit today of course. Yesterday's binge was about 7200 calories. Today was relatively mild compared to the previous binge except for the intrusive thoughts in the early morning. I need to share a little more of my story for context. These binges are an improvement from where I was as recently as April, certainly an improvement from where I was a year ago and for several years previously.

When I was in graduate school, I started taking medication for anxiety during presentations and other peer performance and social settings. It worked so well for me I kept taking it for the next decade+ thinking it was the only answer to my struggle with anxiety. Doctors kept prescribing it to me long-term although they should not have. I would talk to them about getting "addicted" to it because I so afraid of that happening.

Well, over the years my anxiety got worse and I went up on the medication thinking, along with my doctors, it was underlying anxiety getting worse. I kept believing the medication was helping as it would always work when I took it. It would work for awhile but as my tolerance to it grew, between doses I would go into withdrawal and the number one withdrawal symptom is anxiety which we assumed was increasing underlying anxiety. Vicious circle. I tried all sorts of other medication and A LOT of food to help with the anxiety too as I went further and further down the rabbit hole.

By the time I figured out what was happening from others and realized it was happening to me to, it was already way too late. I knew it could happen, I just didn't know it was happening to me. It's different when it comes to you especially when you're being medically monitored and diligent in every other way. It took me about a year and a half to get off the medication and another one I had been taking for a long time too. My withdrawal from the medication was the worst thing I have ever experienced and I'm certain, will ever experience in my life. It was beyond hell.

My CNS is always on still. I still can't get a full night's rest and I have been off the medication for over a year. I am remarkably better compared to where I was but the stress from dieting has been difficult and will cause some withdrawal symptoms to flare like the binges and intrusive thoughts. It's hard to regulate many things including my emotions, impulses, rest, thoughts. Exercise has been miraculous for me but it's not enough sometimes.

I made it through that and losing weight is nothing compared to that. I will hit my GW but I think I think I need to double-down and focus on stopping the binges for the weight loss and to continue to overcome that horrific experience.
 
Hey Rob, I can see a few good things in your post:

1 You made the post, I am not sure I would have the fortitude to admit to a 7,200 calorie binge. Self awareness and admitting to the problem is a good thing.

2 You seem to have a very good understanding of your underlying problems and what's driving the binges. That should help you fight the problem.

3 You seem to be developing a plan, that's great.

4 Bad as this binge was it was not as bad as you have had in the past. You are making progress. I have never attempted to count calories from a binge, but I am sure some of mine have been well over 7,200 calories, some have gone on for hours......

A guy who has lost as much weight as you have has to be doing some things right. I am counting on you to figure out what and do more of them.

Keep on posting, I believe that in and of itself can help!
 
Thanks, Rob. That's very nice of you to say.

What I'm saying with the above post is that I'm still having a normal response to the very abnormal experience I went through over several years. There are aftershocks and very real struggles specific to that experience that I'm still dealing with. 7200 is getting up there for me though now. I wasn't hungry at all today and could only get down 1400 calories. I'm sure I've crushed 7200 in the past BTW. If I don't mention numbers because I'm embarrassed or for any reason, they'll show up in my data summaries later on. I don't want to hide it but my format has changed a lot here for various reasons and I want to get the most out of it for me. The accountability piece and having it all typed out was helpful earlier and may be again but I want to transition away from that and be more narrative for now.

I think the success comes from putting things into context and not beating myself up for the day to day variation or things like the above and not giving up despite no or negative progress.

Hard to convey to you all what I've been through. The binges are relatively insignificant. They are bad and should be eliminated of course.
 
Hi Rob
Thanks for telling us your story. I work a lot with anxiety and depression, so I am very interested in your story. I am wondering if you ever went to psychotherapy to reduce your anxiety. There are skills and techniques you can used to naturally reduce your anxiety. Of course you will have to continue to used the skills and techniques on a daily basis, but it's worth it.
 
Shell said:
Hi Rob
Thanks for telling us your story. I work a lot with anxiety and depression, so I am very interested in your story. I am wondering if you ever went to psychotherapy to reduce your anxiety. There are skills and techniques you can used to naturally reduce your anxiety. Of course you will have to continue to used the skills and techniques on a daily basis, but it's worth it.
Click to expand...

Hi Shell, Yes, I've tried therapy for the anxiety. CBT, psychoanalysis, IFS, ACT, DBT I think although many of my therapists would say they offer a "blend". I did have two pretty gungho CBT therapists. What did you have in mind?
 
Rob, I think you seem to have developed great self-awareness & are working out strategies to get you through. I admire you even more for being able to keep bouncing back & continuing on. Thank you for sharing some of your experiences with us. I think it helps everyone, including ourselves when we share our stories.
 
Hey Rob, can you not binge today, beginning when you read this? If you can do that for the rest of the day that would be an accomplishment. What happened earlier today or yesterday doesn't really matter, and you don't need to think about tomorrow right now.

You are right I can't understand your conditions, all I know is what bingeing has done to me. And the only way I can stop is one day at a time, can you try that?
 
Hi, Can whoever changed my name tagline to "Not giving up (Rob)" change it back to "Active member (Rob)"? It's a good aspiration but it's not really me in terms of how I promote what I'm doing. Thanks! :Angel_anim:
 
alligatorob said:
Hey Rob, can you not binge today, beginning when you read this? If you can do that for the rest of the day that would be an accomplishment. What happened earlier today or yesterday doesn't really matter, and you don't need to think about tomorrow right now.

You are right I can't understand your conditions, all I know is what bingeing has done to me. And the only way I can stop is one day at a time, can you try that?
Click to expand...

Hey Rob, I can! Can you do this with me? Very supportive of you to encourage me like that. It's helpful and I appreciate you knowing and that someone cares.

Side note, it is part of the process for me and I want to emphasize that for it can be for many and that's ok. It is not good of course and I know I can push on through to my GW without.
 
Hey Rob, I'm in the US. I'm usually on about now give or take an hour or two to sum up my eating and fitness for the day while I'm winding down.

I did not binge today although I have the urge tonight to eat more. Exercise is kind of a wildcard for me. Some days I can burn a lot of calories (up to about 5k) so I will eat in proportion to that but probably not ever over 3750 calories.
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I ran 7 miles yesterday and 7.5 miles today. That's gonna catch up with me pretty quickly so I ate more today. Total intake was 2857 and total calories out were 4050. I try to aim for a deficit around there (~1200). Otherwise, had a good day.
 
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