Marsia's Diary

I really agree, Petal. A lot of women have been taught to be basically codependent in the bad way, and it's hard to figure out how to switch to living life on your own terms. I don't even think men have a very good model of that to follow.

Today we took a long walk on the beach as the moon was coming up. The tide was way out, so we walked forever along the base of the cliffs where there are lots of seashell fossil rocks, which are fun to look through. We played lacrosse a while, too, and got wet feet rescuing the ball from the waves. Wish I had my camera. The haze made everything blue, and there was a yellow full moon, and dark stripy huge cliffs. So beautiful!
 
Marsia said:
A lot of women have been taught to be basically codependent in the bad way, and it's hard to figure out how to switch to living life on your own terms.
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Exactly what I've been working on for the past couple of years and it makes life so much better even if you don't nessarily get what you want.
 
We had a relaxing (oops, typed "relazing" at first, which is more accurate!) 3 day weekend with Martin Luther King Day on Monday. We took the same walk along the cliffs as the tide has been out really far for the last few days. We took my mom this time, and made her a rock bridge across a stream so she could do the nice walk with us. I chose a spot where there was a little waterfall going down the cliff as the turn around point, but got distracted taking pictures, and my mom walked right past the turn around point, so she got a nice hour walk in. When I help her across obstacles now, I can feel the feeling of frailty in her body. I want to get her walking at least a half hour a day for at least 3 days a week. She really perked up on the walk and has been her nice happy self lately, so I want to get her exercising while she is still on her good side!

I have been concentrating on being supportive of myself and not dismissing the new things I want to try like I have done in the past. So I've been journaling in my art journal and making notes about art I want to do. I want to get the house nice and work on an idea for a drawing this afternoon. Also I have been doing whole body breathing for the last couple of days when I remember to, and I am letting go of a ton of stress - hadn't realized how clenched up I was - yikes!
 
I have re-read your post about the lovely walk you did with your husband as I make sure I haven't missed anything. That really does sound beautiful. I'm glad your Mum did it too. My Mum was very small & very frail physically by the end of her life. She did live to 92 though & up until about 85, she was very active. You'll look back on these moments with a smile Marsia. You are encouraging her to be more active even if she is not doing so when you are not with her. That's all you can do.
Your weekend does sound absolutely lovely :)
 
Thanks Cate! It feels really good to share lovely walks and things with her, and I am happy she is still adventurous enough to do so! It's strange to become your mom's protector, but I knew this was coming as I did hospice with my grandmother and she called me "mom" towards the end of taking care of her. Thanks for the encouragement!!
 
I think you´re doing great. It feels to me like you´re keeping an eye on your own needs as well this time around, which is so hard and so important.
 
Hi Marsia that sounds like a really lovely weekend . Nice to have those memories to pull out in the future. Both my parents died young about 10 years ago and I miss my mum in particular. She would just be still in her 70s now . Cherish it all even through the tough days
 
Hi All, I am sitting in the hospital after being here until about 2:30 am last night. After 6 hours today, the doctor still hasn't seen my mom, but it looks like she needs a pacemaker for a low heart rate that is consistently low after 16 hours. I am amazed that the pacemaker operation is considered a pretty standard surgery now. I am not sure this is what she needs because the cardiac wing of the hospital is over capacity, and we didn't even get moved out of the emergency room until this morning, and haven't seen the doctor and are considered low priority because she will have to stay overnight. So waiting. Glad I have been meditating a lot lately - this is very hard sitting and waiting!
 
Thanks Tru - I just had some curried tofu from the cafeteria today. I'll hopefully go home and make a big salad soon!
 
Hi! Well, they are not sure if my mom accidentally was taking double the high blood pressure meds or if her heart really is having trouble. So tomorrow I bring in the medications and they sort them out with her. I stayed 9 hours (because her memory is horrible and I wanted to hear what the doctor said and help with any decisions), and a half hour after I left, the doctor finally saw my mom. But they just want to observe more anyway, so I didn't miss anything. The nurses there are so nice! I am reading my mom a book called The Shaman's Apprentice about an ethnobotanist who studied the medicinal properties of plants in the Amazon first hand by going there and living with the native tribes. It's fascinating, so it wasn't a bad day except for the fact that my butt hates sitting with a passion, and 9 hours of sitting was way too much. People with desk jobs have my behind's sympathies!!

My mom is in pretty good spirits considering how she feels. I ate a big yummy salad and that helped a lot. Time to sleep and rest up for round 2 tomorrow - I won't stay as long, have to get my mom's house nice for visiting nurses, and I really don't like the stress of sitting around waiting for nothing to happen. This is a good hospital despite being really overcrowded often, so she is in good hands. Her house is a total and complete disaster, but I have to get at least the bathrooms and kitchen presentable. Sorry this is so all over the place - I am so tired!!!
 
Hi Marsia just a Note to say sorry your mum not in form. I hope things get sorted quickly for her . Sorry my day was crazy yesterday so I didn't get to post more .
 
Thanks! It's looking like maybe the slow heart rate could be due to a medicine mix up where my mom is taking too much high blood pressure medicine, but they aren't sure yet. Fingers crossed that this is all it is! I am rushing around cleaning and visiting the hospital today. But managed to eat well and get some rest!
 
Hi Marsia I hope things have improved by now for your mum and she is home again . I hope things are not too stressful for you. And you are still getting some rest xo
 
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