Marsia's Diary

I'm much more social than my husband, who has aspergers ( I think it's now called autism spectrum disorder). At any rate, social situations can be awkward for both of us. For him because he feels anxious, and for me because he lacks social skills. The compromise has been that I have much more of a social life than he does, but once in a while, if it's something really important to me, he will come along too. I do sometimes wish we did more stuff together socially, but it's a circumstance that I can live with, and I've just built a life more for myself socially that doesn't have to include him all the time. He's good with that so I am too! Not sure if that's helpful, but I can relate to your situation in my own way!
 
I guess there´s a reason I´m single... I just can´t imagine sharing my life with someone who´s less considerate of my needs than my friends are. I´m flying with my short-legged friend D tomorrow and she just messaged me to ask if I needed us to have seats with extra leg room. I don´t, but if she can think of that, why shouldn´t a man who says he loves me?
 
LaMaria said:
I guess there´s a reason I´m single... I just can´t imagine sharing my life with someone who´s less considerate of my needs than my friends are. I´m flying with my short-legged friend D tomorrow and she just messaged me to ask if I needed us to have seats with extra leg room. I don´t, but if she can think of that, why shouldn´t a man who says he loves me?
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I think that stress brings out the worst in people, and my husband is really frustrated both with my social anxiety (which has gotten worse over the years) and with something in himself that is making him be a workahaulic. What I find in talking with people is that if you are with someone for a decade or more, you are bound to have times like this when the other person is not considerate and is fighting their own demons. I am kind of shocked at how inconsiderate my husband can be sometimes, but I have pretty big faults, too. So I just have this feeling that I need to give him space to work out this not-sleeping, too much working thing, and try to be extra accommodating for a while. I also think we have grown apart in a lot of ways, but we are raising a wonderful child together, so I need to make things work if I can.
 
Jenniquest said:
I'm much more social than my husband, who has aspergers ( I think it's now called autism spectrum disorder). At any rate, social situations can be awkward for both of us. For him because he feels anxious, and for me because he lacks social skills. The compromise has been that I have much more of a social life than he does, but once in a while, if it's something really important to me, he will come along too. I do sometimes wish we did more stuff together socially, but it's a circumstance that I can live with, and I've just built a life more for myself socially that doesn't have to include him all the time. He's good with that so I am too! Not sure if that's helpful, but I can relate to your situation in my own way!
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Hi Jenni! That's really great you guys have worked things out so well! I am also not great at social cues, so I empathize with both you and your husband, because I can see afterward that I missed something in conversation, but sometimes not before, which is often embarrassing or awkward. Sometimes I wish I could make a community center for the socially awkward where there could be group activities so you could talk about what you are doing in the moment instead of having to generate small talk, a process which I still have not mastered after all these years! It's really great you accept each other as you are!!!
 
Hopefully, this time will pass & you will both settle down again. I would still try to improve the communication between the two of you as, if you don't want to lose your connection, it almost always needs working on. Take good care of yourself, Marsia xoxo
 
Lots to read and process there . Sorry I should have said in my own page that as well as been busy my internet is really bad at the moment . Yesterday I managed to post a quick reply but that's all I could do .

LaMa regarding your comment about being single
LaMaria said:
I guess there´s a reason I´m single... I just can´t imagine sharing my life with someone who´s less considerate of my needs than my friends are. I´m flying with my short-legged friend D tomorrow and she just messaged me to ask if I needed us to have seats with extra leg room. I don´t, but if she can think of that, why shouldn´t a man who says he loves me?
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LaMa I think there is a reason for the book " men are from Mars and women are from Venus" . I don't tar all men with that but my husband too pretty much falls into the same remit as Marsia regarding the workaholic and money part .

Marsia about 3 years I went through a very tough time . I had garnered up a lot of inner anger and resentment towards my husband. With time and with help from a friend and by focusing on me and what I needed and wanted I have learned to let all that anger go . My husband is a good person , he is kind , totally helpful to others but regarding lots of family stuff he just doesn't think . I now tell him if I want him to do something or go somewhere. I speak my mind and have stopped being a doormat . It's much better .
Jennie I have gone to lots socially on my own for years but I don't mind .

I get a bit socially anxious in large situations but I push myself regularly now.
 
cate said:
Hopefully, this time will pass & you will both settle down again. I would still try to improve the communication between the two of you as, if you don't want to lose your connection, it almost always needs working on. Take good care of yourself, Marsia xoxo
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Thanks for the good advice, Cate. I think I have to sit down and write him an email. Those tend to work best, because I can word things most diplomatically when I write.

I also agree with Petal that if you can't change someone, you can at least make your own peace with things. My husband is also very kind and thinks the world of me, but he is also very stubborn and if he doesn't want to do something, it can take months of reasoning with him from every angle I can think of to get him to see that I am not going to let something go until he sees things from my perspective and can tell me genuinely that he understands where I am coming from. I don't even want him to change necessarily, I just want him to see what I am going through. I can deal with a situation in other ways if someone doesn't want what I want, but to have someone not even try to understand where I am coming from doesn't work for me at all. The reason his insensitivity doesn't make me give up on our relationship is that he is a genuinely good person, a great dad, a really good provider, he's super interesting and very happy when he is not working too hard, and he can listen to reason and change his stubborn mind if I work with him long enough. He is also very loyal even though when he was first dating me there were women flirting with him like crazy (and even buying him presents!) because he was recently single. He is also like me where he comes from a working class family, but is college educated and so we both have an outsider perspective on popular culture, so we can talk about the society from interesting perspectives that I don't see other people discussing.

LaMa, I can see where you would want your freedom to just have friends and not have to deal with dating someone who isn't that considerate in some ways. I think even if there are super considerate men out there, the people dating them are probably going to have other issues to work out even with a man like that. It seems to be the nature of intimate relationships that both people usually don't want exactly the same things out of life or out of the relationship, and one person is usually putting more effort in to the relationship at times than the other, so there are bound to be bumps in the road. My bump is just something I have not figured out how to solve yet, but I will figure it out!

I bought a bunch of pie pumpkins and steamed them yesterday, so made a pumpkin pudding with Swerve sweetener that came out yummy and made some curry coconut pumpkin soup, which everyone loves. I've been in the garden clearing wild berry bushes and thinking about how I am going to situate raised beds. It felt really good to get out in the sun and garden!
 
Petal001 said:
Lots to read and process there . Sorry I should have said in my own page that as well as been busy my internet is really bad at the moment . Yesterday I managed to post a quick reply but that's all I could do .

LaMa regarding your comment about being single

LaMa I think there is a reason for the book " men are from Mars and women are from Venus" . I don't tar all men with that but my husband too pretty much falls into the same remit as Marsia regarding the workaholic and money part .

Marsia about 3 years I went through a very tough time . I had garnered up a lot of inner anger and resentment towards my husband. With time and with help from a friend and by focusing on me and what I needed and wanted I have learned to let all that anger go . My husband is a good person , he is kind , totally helpful to others but regarding lots of family stuff he just doesn't think . I now tell him if I want him to do something or go somewhere. I speak my mind and have stopped being a doormat . It's much better .
Jennie I have gone to lots socially on my own for years but I don't mind .

I get a bit socially anxious in large situations but I push myself regularly now.
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Hi Petal! I hope your internet issues clear up quickly!

I think men who are good providers can too easily fall into the workaholic thing if they have kids to raise because they want to show their love by giving everything they can to make sure the kids' futures will work out, but they can so easily get swept up in it. I need to research this and see if there is a way to bring this up without sounding blaming. Petal, did you read the Men Are From Mars book, and did they talk about workaholism in there?

I really love your point about not harboring resentment because our husband's don't mean to be emotionally unavailable, they are just stuck in a bad pattern, so resentment is just going to make things harder. It helped me to let go of more of the blaming thoughts I was having reading this. I do still feel anxious about the whole situation, so I need to do calming things so I can contemplate things well. I feel like if my husband can put up with 15 years of social anxiety, I can figure out a way to be there for him while he is going through this.

I think I do let my husband take the lead too much when I would like more input, so though it's sometimes hard to get him to see my side of things, I think I need to assert myself more, too.

That's so wonderful you are getting out there and challenging the social anxiety. I need to do that more than I do normally!
 
Marsia said:
I think I do let my husband take the lead too much when I would like more input, so though it's sometimes hard to get him to see my side of things, I think I need to assert myself more, too.
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One thing I have worked out, Marsia, is that you are one very smart cookie & I think you will find a way to get your side of things put forward, but without being too pushy. As well as being smart you are also very thoughtful & considerate. He's a lucky man.
 
Marsia, I can relate to the workaholism. Hubby and I have had several major blowouts because of his workaholism. It's really difficult and I empathize.
 
Jenni and Petal, have you found ways to get your husbands to relax? My mom is sending my husband for Chinese medicine treatments for insomnia, and hopefully that will help. I wish I could get mine to exercise with me again like we did when we were dating!
 
Well my husband J has been joining me on the low carb diet, and is doing intermittent fasting, as well. I just talked with him (after emailing him, which worked well) about getting sleep and figuring out how to invite guests to my daughter's concerts without freaking me out. The talk went well and he told me that he is sleeping well now (8 hours at a time!) because the new diet gives him energy during the day, and my constant reminding him to go play tennis has worked, and he is doing it, so he can sleep now!! He also doesn't have sugar cravings now, which is a small miracle because he had the biggest sweet tooth of almost anyone I know before this! He has actually been researching intermittent fasting and low carb diets and told me things he wants me to buy at the store, and is encouraging me to garden so we can grow our own greens. I am amazed!! I actually rubbed off on him - wow! He showed me the benefits of intermittent fasting, so I am very slowly going to try it, starting with an 8 hour window of eating.
 
Good news, Marsia! I think it is great that you are getting through to him. IF I think is an excellent way of dieting & low carb too. I couldn't go very low carb as I really love fruit & can't imagine not eating it. The weight will melt off you when you combine the two!
 
Thanks, Cate!! I know, I miss fruit so much. My apples on our trees are all ripe, and I can't eat any, and the persimmon season is just starting, and it's one of my very favorite fruits. But when I am down to goal weight, I will eat fruit in moderation again. Thank goodness a half cup of berries is allowed a day! I am doing about 50 to 75g of net carbs a day (carbs minus insoluable fiber), which is pretty do-able. I think it should be pretty easy to do breakfast later in the day and have an 8 hour eating window at least. Anyway, it's nice to have an IF expert to ask questions to!
 
Marsia my internet is pretty bad . Trying now while I have some .
No I didn't read the book just like the title lol.

Regards relaxing no he has no clue how to relax but I make him go out with me sometimes . Right now he has gone out with son who btw is better form and home for a few days . They are gone cycling .

Tbh it sounds like you are doing great work with your husband right now and he is trying hard to do things to help you and please you . That's fantastic
 
Thanks, Petal! And great to hear from you!! I wonder if he will go out cycling with your son, if you could get him to go with you or get your son to come over and you could all go? When I first talked with my husband about meditating, he said that he did what I was talking about regarding meditation when he runs, so I realized that sports are probably a form of "walking meditation" for a lot of men who don't relax while sitting down, so need the activity to concentrate on, like how a sitting meditator focuses on their breathing to get centered. Since then, if I hear a really accomplished athlete talk about "being in the zone" I always listen to see if it really is the same as meditating well, and so far, it is! I always wondered why sports were so popular. Maybe they are just highly ritualized ways of unwinding and refocusing without all that noisy thought in our heads!

I am pretty shocked that my husband J is actually doing what I asked. I guess it's the way I asked, and he realized he does need to start taking care of himself. I am really relieved, because I feel like we turned around his workaholism to some degree before he completely buried himself in it.

How are things going for you lately? Glad to hear your son is doing better! I hope you are doing well with the healthy foods and excercise. It really helps to know there are other women out there dealing with men who have a hard time relaxing. I'm really happy that you found ways of being happy and saying what you want! I hope your internet lets you post in your diary soon so you can check in and let us know what you've been up to!!!
 
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