Cate
Long term member
Your potentially new friends sound promising Em. You are young enough to start afresh.
Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Aw, thanks Cate, I hope so!
I made a big mistake today and tried on clothes. Oh God. I was not happy with what I saw. It really took my head out of the clouds when it comes to how much weight I've piled on in the last few months. The running kind of paused it for a little bit, but I have definitely gained a few pounds again in the last few weeks. And it's at that stage where it's really starting to show. My boobs are too big. My stomach is out of control. All very, very disappointing.
Well, no more! Lettuce and water for the next 2 weeks. Ah no, but seriously, it's a wake-up call.
I made a big mistake today and tried on clothes. Oh God. I was not happy with what I saw. It really took my head out of the clouds when it comes to how much weight I've piled on in the last few months. The running kind of paused it for a little bit, but I have definitely gained a few pounds again in the last few weeks. And it's at that stage where it's really starting to show. My boobs are too big. My stomach is out of control. All very, very disappointing.
Well, no more! Lettuce and water for the next 2 weeks. Ah no, but seriously, it's a wake-up call.
Oh God, I hope so Cate.
Feeling very drained today. I thought I'd have a kind of relaxing day at work, and it turned out that I was super-busy all day. The job is just hectic all the time. I didn't have the energy for it today. I did have a nice chat with the girls though, they are funny. Some of them were talking about leaving their boyfriends lists of jobs to do when they go away for a few days, haha. Or even lists of jobs to do during the day while they are at work. Lol. You have to keep that house in order!
I kind of felt a little bit sad that I couldn't join in on that conversation, but I guess there's things that I have experienced that they have no idea of. I guess we're all on our path. I would love to have a someone though.
Yoga man got back to me so I am signed up for the classes. He signed off the text with, 'Take care, Hot Yoga Man.' I thought the 'Take care' was quite sweet. Obviously over-analysing everything, I'm just lonely and clinging to any bit of affection I can get!
I also have a smoking buddy at work sometimes, he's in the building next door, I came outside today and I saw his face literally light up when he saw it was me. I was delighted. He has a girlfriend though, of course. I honestly can't seem to find any men that are single that I am interested in, it really is the tragedy of my life so far. I have known about 100 great guys over the years, and I never seem to meet them when they are single. Why is the timing never right? So frustrating. I'm sure at least one or two had to have liked me back.
I'm pissed off at my mother at the moment, she spoke to me in a way I really didn't like on Monday. I feel kind of bad because she's making a huge effort with the text messages this evening, inviting me out for dinner on Sunday, all that, but I'm being a brat and being quite cold to punish her. To be honest, we never really fight, but she's just really annoyed me this time.
When I was a kid, she used to have wild mood swings, and whenever we had a big occasion coming up like Christmas, or we had relations visiting, she would get into an absolute rage if the house wasn't absolutely perfect, and start screaming at me and my dad, and saying really horrible, abusive things. It was actually like she was being possessed by a demon. I can't even remember what she was saying now, but it was really awful stuff, and even at the time, I realised that she had to be going through something. Anyway, she's gotten miles better over the years and chilled out a lot, but the way she spoke to me earlier in the week had elements of that old rage, and I did not like it one bit. I actually think some of my issues stem from her, sad as it is to say. I do love her dearly though, and of course my dad. He has more explosions of rage, but nothing like the horrible stuff from my mum.
I definitely feel like I have a lot of anger and sometimes suppressing it makes me want to reach for a box of cigarettes or bottle of wine, just hit the self-destruct button because I can't cope with it. I don't know how to resolve this really. I feel I have to suppress my personality a lot in order not to upset people, which I guess is because I'm deeply unhappy. It's a sad state of affairs really.
Feeling very drained today. I thought I'd have a kind of relaxing day at work, and it turned out that I was super-busy all day. The job is just hectic all the time. I didn't have the energy for it today. I did have a nice chat with the girls though, they are funny. Some of them were talking about leaving their boyfriends lists of jobs to do when they go away for a few days, haha. Or even lists of jobs to do during the day while they are at work. Lol. You have to keep that house in order!
I kind of felt a little bit sad that I couldn't join in on that conversation, but I guess there's things that I have experienced that they have no idea of. I guess we're all on our path. I would love to have a someone though.
Yoga man got back to me so I am signed up for the classes. He signed off the text with, 'Take care, Hot Yoga Man.' I thought the 'Take care' was quite sweet. Obviously over-analysing everything, I'm just lonely and clinging to any bit of affection I can get!
I also have a smoking buddy at work sometimes, he's in the building next door, I came outside today and I saw his face literally light up when he saw it was me. I was delighted. He has a girlfriend though, of course. I honestly can't seem to find any men that are single that I am interested in, it really is the tragedy of my life so far. I have known about 100 great guys over the years, and I never seem to meet them when they are single. Why is the timing never right? So frustrating. I'm sure at least one or two had to have liked me back.
I'm pissed off at my mother at the moment, she spoke to me in a way I really didn't like on Monday. I feel kind of bad because she's making a huge effort with the text messages this evening, inviting me out for dinner on Sunday, all that, but I'm being a brat and being quite cold to punish her. To be honest, we never really fight, but she's just really annoyed me this time.
When I was a kid, she used to have wild mood swings, and whenever we had a big occasion coming up like Christmas, or we had relations visiting, she would get into an absolute rage if the house wasn't absolutely perfect, and start screaming at me and my dad, and saying really horrible, abusive things. It was actually like she was being possessed by a demon. I can't even remember what she was saying now, but it was really awful stuff, and even at the time, I realised that she had to be going through something. Anyway, she's gotten miles better over the years and chilled out a lot, but the way she spoke to me earlier in the week had elements of that old rage, and I did not like it one bit. I actually think some of my issues stem from her, sad as it is to say. I do love her dearly though, and of course my dad. He has more explosions of rage, but nothing like the horrible stuff from my mum.
I definitely feel like I have a lot of anger and sometimes suppressing it makes me want to reach for a box of cigarettes or bottle of wine, just hit the self-destruct button because I can't cope with it. I don't know how to resolve this really. I feel I have to suppress my personality a lot in order not to upset people, which I guess is because I'm deeply unhappy. It's a sad state of affairs really.
The weekend has been going quite well so far. I've made a new rule for September that I cannot eat in my room or the car. No secret eating!
I'm allowing myself to buy whatever junk food I want, but I'm kind of incorporating it into my meals. So, I bought a large packet of cheese and onion crisps, but I'm having it as a small amount on my plate, the way you sometimes get in cafes, instead of just opening the bag and keeping on going until I feel sick.
I also had some Haagen-Daz ice cream, again I'd normally devour the whole tub and feel awful afterwards, so yesterday and today I had maybe 1/3 of the tub but I mixed in some strawberries and mixed nuts to bulk it up a bit, but get me full enough to stop going back for more. This has also been quite successful.
Exercise-wise, I got up for yoga this morning, which was great, and I went for a swim yesterday. I walked to both places as well, roughly 40 minutes to both locations there and back. So that's all very positive.
The scales are not so positive, but it must be from a) wine b) energy drinks c) milky coffees. All are banned until I get back to 74kg. The only one I will even miss is the wine, but I won't miss feeling groggy all the next day. So there's that.
Socially, met up with some friends earlier and I'm heading to a meditation meet up this evening. I have never gone before, so it will be interesting to see how it goes.
Still smoking but I think I'm about ready to quit for good. Like with my drinking, I have lost all control over it, so it needs to stop.
Still, a successful weekend over all.
I'm allowing myself to buy whatever junk food I want, but I'm kind of incorporating it into my meals. So, I bought a large packet of cheese and onion crisps, but I'm having it as a small amount on my plate, the way you sometimes get in cafes, instead of just opening the bag and keeping on going until I feel sick.
I also had some Haagen-Daz ice cream, again I'd normally devour the whole tub and feel awful afterwards, so yesterday and today I had maybe 1/3 of the tub but I mixed in some strawberries and mixed nuts to bulk it up a bit, but get me full enough to stop going back for more. This has also been quite successful.
Exercise-wise, I got up for yoga this morning, which was great, and I went for a swim yesterday. I walked to both places as well, roughly 40 minutes to both locations there and back. So that's all very positive.
The scales are not so positive, but it must be from a) wine b) energy drinks c) milky coffees. All are banned until I get back to 74kg. The only one I will even miss is the wine, but I won't miss feeling groggy all the next day. So there's that.
Socially, met up with some friends earlier and I'm heading to a meditation meet up this evening. I have never gone before, so it will be interesting to see how it goes.
Still smoking but I think I'm about ready to quit for good. Like with my drinking, I have lost all control over it, so it needs to stop.
Still, a successful weekend over all.
Thanks Cate.
Cate, I actually think you would have been really proud of me yesterday. I left a group of people that were all smoking and had just started drinking for the afternoon, and instead, I joined a little meditation group last night, and it was wonderful. We meditated for half an hour, then listened to a talk on prayer/spirituality, and then we all shared how our weeks went using the weather as an analogy. So, I said something like, 'The week started out sunny, then the black clouds started to descend Tuesday to Thursday, Friday it rained all day, and this weekend, the sun came back.' It felt great to say that and to hear how other people's weeks went. And everyone had a mixed week. Then you were able to share the specifics, only if you wanted to, and talk a bit about how meditation was helping you.
I found it a fabulous way to spend my Sunday evening and I think it could really help me.
Today was a mixed bag of a day, I'm really on top of things in work, so that's good, but there's a few little niggles that are dragging me down a little bit. I won't get into them now, but I am just going to breathe through it!
Unfortunately, things have gone off course again in terms of food today. I seem to get to lunchtime doing great and then I just want to eat rubbish. But I'm working on it.
I also didn't really get time to exercise today, which I know for me is key to feeling really alive and well. So I'm going to have to ensure that I make time for it. I just find it difficult to do anything before work and sometimes that is the only time that I really can. It's something to look into.
It's also exactly 6 months until my next birthday on Wednesday. I have so many things I would like to see happening before that time. I'm planning on making a list tomorrow night of what I would like to happen and start getting the wheels in motion to make it happen. Some of it out of my control, but some of it is of course, and I just really want to make a good go of it for the next 6 months. I realise I've been repeating myself since I started this diary, but if it takes me x number of tries, it doesn't matter, it's all a learning curve, and I believe that I can change and that my life is really going to take off.
I am also back on good terms with Mum, had a laugh with her on the phone tonight. Her latest work thing is a man that keeps kissing her on the lips when he says goodbye! So she's going to have to put a stop to it. People be crazy.
Cate, I actually think you would have been really proud of me yesterday. I left a group of people that were all smoking and had just started drinking for the afternoon, and instead, I joined a little meditation group last night, and it was wonderful. We meditated for half an hour, then listened to a talk on prayer/spirituality, and then we all shared how our weeks went using the weather as an analogy. So, I said something like, 'The week started out sunny, then the black clouds started to descend Tuesday to Thursday, Friday it rained all day, and this weekend, the sun came back.' It felt great to say that and to hear how other people's weeks went. And everyone had a mixed week. Then you were able to share the specifics, only if you wanted to, and talk a bit about how meditation was helping you.
I found it a fabulous way to spend my Sunday evening and I think it could really help me.
Today was a mixed bag of a day, I'm really on top of things in work, so that's good, but there's a few little niggles that are dragging me down a little bit. I won't get into them now, but I am just going to breathe through it!
Unfortunately, things have gone off course again in terms of food today. I seem to get to lunchtime doing great and then I just want to eat rubbish. But I'm working on it.
I also didn't really get time to exercise today, which I know for me is key to feeling really alive and well. So I'm going to have to ensure that I make time for it. I just find it difficult to do anything before work and sometimes that is the only time that I really can. It's something to look into.
It's also exactly 6 months until my next birthday on Wednesday. I have so many things I would like to see happening before that time. I'm planning on making a list tomorrow night of what I would like to happen and start getting the wheels in motion to make it happen. Some of it out of my control, but some of it is of course, and I just really want to make a good go of it for the next 6 months. I realise I've been repeating myself since I started this diary, but if it takes me x number of tries, it doesn't matter, it's all a learning curve, and I believe that I can change and that my life is really going to take off.
I am also back on good terms with Mum, had a laugh with her on the phone tonight. Her latest work thing is a man that keeps kissing her on the lips when he says goodbye! So she's going to have to put a stop to it. People be crazy.
Cate
Long term member
Em, I am proud of you. Well done on leaving when you did & choosing meditation instead. Please don't ever feel that I am sitting here not approving or approving though. My life has been full of ups and downs & I have made mistakes aplenty & continue to do so. We all repeat ourselves over & over, but we are here trying to be better & we never stop learning. I'm glad you're back on good terms with your Mum xo
Wow I was really curious how the meditation class went. I think they hold free classes once a week down the road, I think its guided meditation and mindfulness which I should probably do for my anxiety lol.
Also when is your birthday? Mine is in around 6 months too! 11th Feb. I sat down and decided I wanted to be at goal by my birthday and it just happened to be 6 months.
Also when is your birthday? Mine is in around 6 months too! 11th Feb. I sat down and decided I wanted to be at goal by my birthday and it just happened to be 6 months.
Oh Cate, don't worry, I know you are not judging me, just thought you'd understand how beneficial it was for me to go! Thank you.
Hey Lucy, my birthday is the 5th of March. I would highly recommend you try out the meditation class, especially if it's free. I really felt the benefit from it anyway.
Mixed day today, very low on energy so food was bad. Made out a new activity plan earlier, trying to psych myself up for it tonight. I want to be asleep by 9 so that I can hit the gym in the morning. Must start making better choices!!
Hey Lucy, my birthday is the 5th of March. I would highly recommend you try out the meditation class, especially if it's free. I really felt the benefit from it anyway.
Mixed day today, very low on energy so food was bad. Made out a new activity plan earlier, trying to psych myself up for it tonight. I want to be asleep by 9 so that I can hit the gym in the morning. Must start making better choices!!
Cate
Long term member
That's good. I think you did well to leave when you did xo
I'm contemplating going from Sunday to the following Sat without any alcohol to see if I can shake this weight. Will you join me? I could do with some moral support xo
What are you doing? I have read through a few pages of your diary. You have an incredible metabolism and you exercise quite a bit. You are just nullifying all of it by binge drinking and eating chocolates, sweets, and other junk. Just think of the hot boyfriend and super-hot body you will have if you cut those out.
Hope this message didn't offend you. It makes me sad that you have put so much effort, only to have the scales go in the other direction.
Hope this message didn't offend you. It makes me sad that you have put so much effort, only to have the scales go in the other direction.
Cate, I will join you in that. This weekend might be a bit ropey but from Sunday to next Saturday, I am in!
That really is the question, isn't it? It's been running around in my mind all day. Smoking a cigarette. 'What are you doing?' Eating an iced bun that arrived into work. 'What are you doing?' Buying a bottle of wine. 'What are you doing?' It's given me real pause.
Thank you for your post, I am not offended at all. Actually, I set my alarm for 6.10 am this morning to go for a spin class, and I was dithering wondering if I should just go back to sleep, and then I came on here and read your post, and boy did that get my ass into gear! So clearly tough love works for me, haha.
But seriously, I agree with everything you said, I guess I'm just not there yet.
I was thinking earlier about all the good things in my life and all the stuff I'm doing now that I have wanted for so long. Here's the list:
- I am a core member of a drama group, something I have wanted for years, and we have an upcoming production for 2019.
- I am working in a yoga centre, something years ago I would have thought was a thing only ''cool'' people do. Guess I'm cool now, hahaha.
- I work in marketing, which was the team I wanted to join in my old company, but there wasn't really an opportunity.
- I can drive, swim, cook, clean. All good skills to have. At one point, the thought of driving terrified me, I actually thought I wouldn't be capable of it, and now I absolutely love it.
I guess those are all achievements of some sort, but while I was focused on hating my body, I managed to get all that stuff done sneakily in the background! It's not all bad! Something I often lose sight of.
The things that are still eluding me (love, healthy body) are the things I want the most, so of course, they're not going to come easily. What will I do with myself when I finally have them? At the rate I'm going, I'll probably be an 80-year-old with abs and a 35-year-old toyboy on my arm. Haha. Oh God, I pray it doesn't take that long.
Today was okay, one of the girls in work was upset, so it kind of brought down the atmosphere a bit, but it was okay. Did my spinning class in the morning, did some yin yoga after work. Cooked a beef stir fry for dinner. I have a really annoying side project thing that I have to do now, so boring, but I promised I would help, so I better get started on it, have to complete it tonight! It's nearly 9pm! Agh!!!!!
That really is the question, isn't it? It's been running around in my mind all day. Smoking a cigarette. 'What are you doing?' Eating an iced bun that arrived into work. 'What are you doing?' Buying a bottle of wine. 'What are you doing?' It's given me real pause.
Thank you for your post, I am not offended at all. Actually, I set my alarm for 6.10 am this morning to go for a spin class, and I was dithering wondering if I should just go back to sleep, and then I came on here and read your post, and boy did that get my ass into gear! So clearly tough love works for me, haha.
But seriously, I agree with everything you said, I guess I'm just not there yet.
I was thinking earlier about all the good things in my life and all the stuff I'm doing now that I have wanted for so long. Here's the list:
- I am a core member of a drama group, something I have wanted for years, and we have an upcoming production for 2019.
- I am working in a yoga centre, something years ago I would have thought was a thing only ''cool'' people do. Guess I'm cool now, hahaha.
- I work in marketing, which was the team I wanted to join in my old company, but there wasn't really an opportunity.
- I can drive, swim, cook, clean. All good skills to have. At one point, the thought of driving terrified me, I actually thought I wouldn't be capable of it, and now I absolutely love it.
I guess those are all achievements of some sort, but while I was focused on hating my body, I managed to get all that stuff done sneakily in the background! It's not all bad! Something I often lose sight of.
The things that are still eluding me (love, healthy body) are the things I want the most, so of course, they're not going to come easily. What will I do with myself when I finally have them? At the rate I'm going, I'll probably be an 80-year-old with abs and a 35-year-old toyboy on my arm. Haha. Oh God, I pray it doesn't take that long.
Today was okay, one of the girls in work was upset, so it kind of brought down the atmosphere a bit, but it was okay. Did my spinning class in the morning, did some yin yoga after work. Cooked a beef stir fry for dinner. I have a really annoying side project thing that I have to do now, so boring, but I promised I would help, so I better get started on it, have to complete it tonight! It's nearly 9pm! Agh!!!!!
Cate
Long term member
Thank you, Em. It will feel good to have you join me.
These are all achievements that add up to quite a lot
Unlike you, I cannot take any tough love, but I think you know that.
We are all a work in progress Em & I hope you find that love one day that you wish for. I really want that for everyone. Our YS has found someone & she is lovely & really good for him. I hadn't given up hope, but I am so relieved that he is happy with her & she, him. 2019 may be your year xo
Sounda like you had a really good day today Emily!
Haha funny you react to tough love. I most certainly do not, I think its a mixture of being fairly introverted and anxious. I have to be mentally ready or prepared to do anything, and some things take a long time to get right. Even now I've come so far bingeing still happens, just my good days are enough now to still move in the right direction.
It'll all come together for you I'm sure, it just takes something to click for it to suddenly seem possible. Until that happens you keep trucking away and doing your best at fighting towards your goals, you aren't spinning your wheels as you're still learning new habits and learning about your body. Everything is a learning experience. And you will still make progress, and one day your brain will catch up and it will just suddenly be how you are, it'll all be habit and it won't be so difficult.
Haha funny you react to tough love. I most certainly do not, I think its a mixture of being fairly introverted and anxious. I have to be mentally ready or prepared to do anything, and some things take a long time to get right. Even now I've come so far bingeing still happens, just my good days are enough now to still move in the right direction.
It'll all come together for you I'm sure, it just takes something to click for it to suddenly seem possible. Until that happens you keep trucking away and doing your best at fighting towards your goals, you aren't spinning your wheels as you're still learning new habits and learning about your body. Everything is a learning experience. And you will still make progress, and one day your brain will catch up and it will just suddenly be how you are, it'll all be habit and it won't be so difficult.
Hi Cate and Lucy. Thank you so much for your posts. I think you are both absolutely lovely and I appreciate the sound support you are giving me.
Hmm, what can I say? I saw a video of myself today from April and I really did not like it. I guess I have been living under delusions of what I really look like. Still, I know I am extraordinarily hard on myself and probably other people. That keen eye is mean. It's a mean eye. And I am so annoyed.
The face is still intact, but I actually have a tiny, quite nice face on this fatty body. I looked at myself as a casual observer and all I could see was SUGAR!!! My shape isn't bad, my skin isn't bad, but my body fat is gone crazy.
And I know that I want to feel good, and look good.
I am in an absolute slump.
Hmm, what can I say? I saw a video of myself today from April and I really did not like it. I guess I have been living under delusions of what I really look like. Still, I know I am extraordinarily hard on myself and probably other people. That keen eye is mean. It's a mean eye. And I am so annoyed.
The face is still intact, but I actually have a tiny, quite nice face on this fatty body. I looked at myself as a casual observer and all I could see was SUGAR!!! My shape isn't bad, my skin isn't bad, but my body fat is gone crazy.
And I know that I want to feel good, and look good.
I am in an absolute slump.
It's the weekend. Finally.
This weekend, I plan on giving up drink/cigarettes/sugar and staying off them forever. I think I am finally ready to turn my life around. I am sick of being tired and feeling unhealthy and sluggish.
I actually think within a week, I'll be feeling great and like my old self. I was always thinking before that I couldn't possibly give up alcohol because I love nights out so much, but any nights out I've had this year have been rubbish. And I actually haven't done a proper social evening in weeks and I really don't miss it. So I know I'll be fine without them. And I actually have so many hobbies now, I am able to fill my time well without going to the pub.
Obviously, there will be gigs and stuff that I want to go to, I will play it by ear on whether to drink or not then. But, for example, the weekend after next I am going to a play - definitely don't need to drink alcohol to do that! There is a party night out planned for the 6th of October, that would give me a solid month without drinking, and I will see how I get on.
I already have such a solid routine when it comes to exercise (for the most part) and I know all the right foods to eat to look and feel good, so it's really putting all the knowledge I've gained in the years doing the wrong things into practice.
I just think I've reached a crucial point in my life. It's kind of like I can see the peak of the mountain, and I am nearly there, but there is a big boulder ahead of me and I keep trying to push it instead of climbing over it. So it's time to start climbing. A lot of emotions and tears will be unleashed I'm sure, but despite all of my crazy actions, I'm probably the most solid I've been in years in terms of confidence and feelings of self-worth. I'm just so used to relying on these bad habits that it hasn't even dawned on me that I don't need them anymore.
Well, I don't need them anymore!!!!
Obviously, I've said this stuff loads of times, but I've always thought I'd be able to moderate, and I don't think I can. I just have to cut them out.
I think I can, I know I can, and I will. I'm going to act 'as if' - how would I act if I already had the size 10-12 figure, flat stomach, glowing skin, etc.? I'm not going to recriminate myself anymore for getting to this point, I am just going to love myself and believe that I already have it all going on, and I think my body will start to respond to that and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Happy Friday all.
(Had a good day in work today, really like the people in there. Things are pretty good.)
This weekend, I plan on giving up drink/cigarettes/sugar and staying off them forever. I think I am finally ready to turn my life around. I am sick of being tired and feeling unhealthy and sluggish.
I actually think within a week, I'll be feeling great and like my old self. I was always thinking before that I couldn't possibly give up alcohol because I love nights out so much, but any nights out I've had this year have been rubbish. And I actually haven't done a proper social evening in weeks and I really don't miss it. So I know I'll be fine without them. And I actually have so many hobbies now, I am able to fill my time well without going to the pub.
Obviously, there will be gigs and stuff that I want to go to, I will play it by ear on whether to drink or not then. But, for example, the weekend after next I am going to a play - definitely don't need to drink alcohol to do that! There is a party night out planned for the 6th of October, that would give me a solid month without drinking, and I will see how I get on.
I already have such a solid routine when it comes to exercise (for the most part) and I know all the right foods to eat to look and feel good, so it's really putting all the knowledge I've gained in the years doing the wrong things into practice.
I just think I've reached a crucial point in my life. It's kind of like I can see the peak of the mountain, and I am nearly there, but there is a big boulder ahead of me and I keep trying to push it instead of climbing over it. So it's time to start climbing. A lot of emotions and tears will be unleashed I'm sure, but despite all of my crazy actions, I'm probably the most solid I've been in years in terms of confidence and feelings of self-worth. I'm just so used to relying on these bad habits that it hasn't even dawned on me that I don't need them anymore.
Well, I don't need them anymore!!!!
Obviously, I've said this stuff loads of times, but I've always thought I'd be able to moderate, and I don't think I can. I just have to cut them out.
I think I can, I know I can, and I will. I'm going to act 'as if' - how would I act if I already had the size 10-12 figure, flat stomach, glowing skin, etc.? I'm not going to recriminate myself anymore for getting to this point, I am just going to love myself and believe that I already have it all going on, and I think my body will start to respond to that and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Happy Friday all.
(Had a good day in work today, really like the people in there. Things are pretty good.)
Cate
Long term member
Hold that thought, Em. Here's to a good start this week xo
Thanks to you both.
Yesterday didn't go exactly as planned, ended up holed up in my room for most of the day, watching films. While I enjoyed watching them, it's not exactly the best use of my time, and eventually I got bored, and bought cigarettes and wine. Sigh. But anyway, in the words of Fleetwood Mac, yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Today was much better. Okay, my food wasn't better, and I bought cigarettes again this evening, but no wine at the very least. I'm on board with the plan Cate.
I did a lot of walking today, I went for a swim, and this evening I went to my meditation meetup. I found it really cathartic. I spoke a little about that wedding and being upset about it for the whole summer. I want to use meditation to stop the ruminating thoughts, to help me be present, and essentially, to let things go. I don't think meditation will come easily to me, I can manage to think of about 20 different topics in the space of 10 or 15 minutes, but as one of the guy's tonight said, it's a muscle that you have to train and eventually it will become a lot easier.
The group are really genuine and really supportive and it gives me hope for the week ahead. One of the guys recommended just making out a plan for the week but not to be dwelling too much into the future. Just make out your little plan and off you go. I had a kind of overly-active, busy plan in mind for the week, but I'm scaling it back, because obviously, I am a little tired from the wine, and I need to give myself a chance to sleep properly and recover.
Basic plan -
Monday: Work/yoga
Tuesday: Work/swim
Wednesday: Gym/work/yoga desk
Thursday: Gym/work/meditation class
Friday: Gym/work/home
Saturday: Home/run/haircut
Sunday: run/meditation meetup
So busy, but not in a way that I am going to tire myself out completely. Nothing social planned for this week, need to avoid them for a while, as that is where the Smoke Monster and Drink Demon come out to play.
I've been reading this blog about a woman who gave up alcohol, it's fantastic:
http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/
A lot of her story resonates with me. I think it's helping me to read her story, plus she's a fantastic writer.
I'm also on reddit for losing weight/quitting smoking/quitting alcohol. Agh, so many vices.
They are all the one in my mind though. Avoiding pain and dealing with emotions. Keeping myself stunted. Fear of the unknown. Fear of succeeding and not feeling better.
In lighter news, got a new dress for work tomorrow. It's not in a size I like, but it looks pretty decent on me. I also bought high heels that I will probably never wear, but they weren't that expensive. I love the way heels make your body look when you are standing static in them, but moving around is a different story. I have a work meeting tomorrow with some external people, so I have to look the part and will actually wear makeup. Agh. But I feel like it will give me a boost to kick off the week.
Yesterday didn't go exactly as planned, ended up holed up in my room for most of the day, watching films. While I enjoyed watching them, it's not exactly the best use of my time, and eventually I got bored, and bought cigarettes and wine. Sigh. But anyway, in the words of Fleetwood Mac, yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Today was much better. Okay, my food wasn't better, and I bought cigarettes again this evening, but no wine at the very least. I'm on board with the plan Cate.
I did a lot of walking today, I went for a swim, and this evening I went to my meditation meetup. I found it really cathartic. I spoke a little about that wedding and being upset about it for the whole summer. I want to use meditation to stop the ruminating thoughts, to help me be present, and essentially, to let things go. I don't think meditation will come easily to me, I can manage to think of about 20 different topics in the space of 10 or 15 minutes, but as one of the guy's tonight said, it's a muscle that you have to train and eventually it will become a lot easier.
The group are really genuine and really supportive and it gives me hope for the week ahead. One of the guys recommended just making out a plan for the week but not to be dwelling too much into the future. Just make out your little plan and off you go. I had a kind of overly-active, busy plan in mind for the week, but I'm scaling it back, because obviously, I am a little tired from the wine, and I need to give myself a chance to sleep properly and recover.
Basic plan -
Monday: Work/yoga
Tuesday: Work/swim
Wednesday: Gym/work/yoga desk
Thursday: Gym/work/meditation class
Friday: Gym/work/home
Saturday: Home/run/haircut
Sunday: run/meditation meetup
So busy, but not in a way that I am going to tire myself out completely. Nothing social planned for this week, need to avoid them for a while, as that is where the Smoke Monster and Drink Demon come out to play.
I've been reading this blog about a woman who gave up alcohol, it's fantastic:
http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/
A lot of her story resonates with me. I think it's helping me to read her story, plus she's a fantastic writer.
I'm also on reddit for losing weight/quitting smoking/quitting alcohol. Agh, so many vices.
They are all the one in my mind though. Avoiding pain and dealing with emotions. Keeping myself stunted. Fear of the unknown. Fear of succeeding and not feeling better.
In lighter news, got a new dress for work tomorrow. It's not in a size I like, but it looks pretty decent on me. I also bought high heels that I will probably never wear, but they weren't that expensive. I love the way heels make your body look when you are standing static in them, but moving around is a different story. I have a work meeting tomorrow with some external people, so I have to look the part and will actually wear makeup. Agh. But I feel like it will give me a boost to kick off the week.
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